Marriage on a brink.

My husband and I moved to arizona from Seattle with the help of my parents. We're staying with them under their good grace, but here are the problems.

He is complaining almost nonstop about noise and my family, saying it's worse than the problems in Seattle and wants to go back once he saved up.

I have no intention of going back, especially because it's been so bad for us in Seattle and there's nothing there for us.

I'm going to get into pharmacy career soon hopefully, and I'm seeing the prices for house and car and the wage, which I hope I can make it work.

He had always been complaining. His own apartment was too noisy, my apartment was too noisy and more. Im fed up and I'm done.

I've tried so hard for so many years and nothing is ever good enough.

To add insult to injury, he claim that my family and I "abducted" him, giving him no say in the move. He had his say, but his ideas were to stay in Seattle, in the same stressful and dangerous situation.

Let's not also forget that he makes it all about him, considers none of my feelings or efforts, always treats me like I'm the bad guy. He is also a walking talking contradiction! "I don't want absolute quietness!" "It's too noisy!" "It's always about you" "Oh I am not being heard!" And so on.

I've been burnt out and I couldn't do anything to save money or get anywhere. Im at my breaking point and I wouldn't be sad if we're divorced.

I should never met him, or gone to Seattle.

Could he possible have a mental illness undiagnosed?? Often when people blame everyone else for there problems it might be depression or something else.

Now.... he could certainly just be a lousy human being /bad match for you that instead of being responsible for his life blames others for anything that doesn’t go his way.

Do you think couples counseling might help or are you just done with it ???

If you don’t have property or children it’s pretty easy and not to expensive to get divorced. Then he can go back to Seattle and do whatever and you can move on with your life.

I hope you can figure out what’s best for you

We're both pretty depressed, but its sad how it's like I'm not depressed at all except him. I have no property of kids thankfully. Im not sure what to do at this point.

Prior to being with him have you ever had depression problems?? Maybe a medication could help. But there’s no medication to fix a marriage that’s just not healthy

Well, it's hard to advice You on this matter unfortunately, I must say, @FridayT! Are there any other problems you're experiencing or have you experienced with Him? I'd suggest Couple Counselling if you haven't already tried it. If you have and things still aren't improving, then perhaps Divorce may be an option to consider. Consider all options first though! Whatever you do, I am sure it will be the right choice. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @FridayT, Your Family, Your Friends, Your Husband and ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

He sounds very negative and like a huge wet blanket on you. That would burn anyone out! Personally, it would drive me insane because generally I'm a positive person.

If he wants to return to Seattle, perhaps just tell him to leave and move back and you'll stay in Arizona. You're not happy, he's not happy, why drag this on and on? He seems to not want to be there, he complains about everything and blames you for it. So let him leave. That's what I would do. Honestly, good riddance. Who needs to be dragged down in life by their spouse constantly? Life is hard enough as it is.

Hey @FridayT:

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Originally Posted by FridayT My husband and I moved to arizona from Seattle with the help of my parents. We're staying with them under their good grace, but here are the problems. He is complaining almost nonstop about noise and my family, saying it's worse than the problems in Seattle and wants to go back once he saved up.

My FIL had a saying that I agree with, especially when my husband and I fell on hard times. "There's not enough room for two families under one roof"
I agree with this. Even if your parents were wonderful and he didnt want to move back to Seattle I think its hard to live under the roof of another family, parents as well.

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I have no intention of going back, especially because it's been so bad for us in Seattle and there's nothing there for us.

What kind of conversations did you have before moving? Was he on board? Did he bring up these concerns or feelings about staying? Did he have any issues with moving?

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He had always been complaining. His own apartment was too noisy, my apartment was too noisy and more. Im fed up and I'm done. I've tried so hard for so many years and nothing is ever good enough. To add insult to injury, he claim that my family and I "abducted" him, giving him no say in the move. He had his say, but his ideas were to stay in Seattle, in the same stressful and dangerous situation.

So if he wanted to stay in Seattle and you did not how did you go about making the decision to move? I know he wasnt abducted but it sounds like he was making his feelings clear. I am not sure why he would have moved if he was so against it but maybe he felt pressure?

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Let's not also forget that he makes it all about him, considers none of my feelings or efforts, always treats me like I'm the bad guy. He is also a walking talking contradiction! "I don't want absolute quietness!" "It's too noisy!" "It's always about you" "Oh I am not being heard!" And so on.

I wouldnt say its all about you, it takes two to tango but it does sound like his feelings were made known and he either felt bullied, or resigned or even gone along with it and regretted it.

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I've been burnt out and I couldn't do anything to save money or get anywhere. Im at my breaking point and I wouldn't be sad if we're divorced. I should never met him, or gone to Seattle.

Did you move in with your parents due to financial issues that you would have had no matter where you lived? Or is it specifically Seattle? I have heard that its expensive to live there.

if life is so awful for him with you in your parents house, let him go back to seattle. you can visit over long weekends or what ever, but this way he can be calmer, and more settled maybe. could be living under your parents might be too much for him, too small a space...who knows.

give him the option...stay here for now, or go back ..but do it on your own..as you need your resources to make things work for you. plenty of couples have dual careers..so it's n ot something unique. maybe he just does better with space. as for the noise, suggest ear plugs or headphones...can't really do much about that.

hard times happen you live you have to live. and you try to make it work for both parties..but if it doesn't, look for the alternative.

You might want to serve him with divorce papers before he leaves? Idk.

If you told him to go back to Seattle, would he actually go without you?

The living arrangements you're engaged in now are temporary, I think there are just as many quiet places to live in Arizona as there are in Seattle. It sounds like there must be more going on than what he's expressed. I haven't read the background on the issues you were facing in Seattle, so I'm not sure what all the problems were there, but clearly they're intolerable to you. It seems like he may need some coping skills, but then he'd have to be wanting to do that on his own. It may be an irreconcilable problem if he's not willing to try and adapt and you're not willing to go back to Seattle. Sorry. Life requires patience and long suffering quite often, marriage intensifies the need for those skills along with a willingness to utilize them.

Thanks folks. Quite frankly, this is just getting worse. I made my dark poem earlier. For all i know, i just upsetted a lot of people with it. I apologize for it, but i needed to vent. Quite frankly, i want to divorce him. He always seem to expect me to take charge but when I do, he's unhappy. It's damaged if you do and damaged if you don't. I no longer want relationship. I feel too hurt as it is. I don't know what is love. I never felt loved, I was never held or kissed or cuddled by him. It always seem to be one sided. I honest to goodness wish I never met him.

I'm very sorry to hear you never experienced love or affection with him. That is very painful.

Is your mind 100% made up at this point? I suppose one step would be to inform him, and have him move out. He can go back to Seattle where he wants to be.

It doesn’t sound like it’s a healthy relationship for you. File for divorce and he can hopefully move back to Seattle or other places and you can stay with your parents at least for now.