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Member Since Apr 2013
Posts: 105
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#1
I'll try to keep this short...
I've had an ongoing saga with a coworker that has gone WAY beyond it's boiling point. This woman is insecure, malicious and downright mean... and brags about it. Her first words to me when I started 4 years ago was "I got rid of the last girl that looked like you" To that I responded, "Not this girl" I worked to befriend this woman and even supported her when others didn't only to have it backfire on my several times over. I finally realized that there was no reasoning with this Narcissist and made the conscious choice to end the abuse and break ties with her after one Gaslighting session too many. She responded to this by telling another coworker of ours LIES about things that I had said about her -- even accusing me of saying that she was trying to take my job. I finally had enough and asked to move offices which seemed to work. My peace and productivity increased, and I thought all was well... until I was summoned to HR regarding a door slamming incident. I took the opportunity at that HR meeting to not only admit that I slammed the door, but to FULLY disclose what led to said door slamming which left little Miss Bully in tears because she wasn't prepared for me to be in the driver's seat of the bus she tried to roll over me. So now, despite being in another building and doing all I can to avoid interaction with her as much as possible, she seems to find a way to "pick" at me... either through passive aggressive emails (which she copies our boss on) or continuing to spread rumors about me (apparently my promotion has gone to my head). Now our boss wants us to all go out to dinner together, and I JUST DON'T WANT TO!!!!!!! As a new manager, I know it would look really bad to not go, but the thought of having to play nice with this woman WHILE I'M EATING is not appealing at all. Isn't there a line where being the better person stops? I've done it for longer than I'd care to, and it seems like she's not being held accountable for her part. So... should I just suck it up or catch her after hours off property (kidding --- kinda) |
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bpcyclist, Buffy01, Fuzzybear, Open Eyes, winter4me
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Buffy01
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,924
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#2
Congratulations on your promotion!
How would you explain not going to the dinner? How much does your boss know about this person’s behavior? Could the contrast between this person and you at the dinner be enlightening for your boss? |
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bpcyclist, Buffy01
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Buffy01, Fuzzybear, unaluna
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Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: 8CS / NYS / USA
Posts: 9,137
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#3
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unless of course the dinner party is intimate where the boss is getting together with two employees to work out the problems that the two employess have … definitely NOT the time to miss a dinner party. when that happens I go prepared to discuss the work place problems in a non blaming non judgemental way focused on I statements and focused on coming to solutions. keeping open minded because if solutions are not made at these kinds o dinner parties usually the boss has to decide what is best for the business.. keeping two disgruntled employees or letting one or the other go according to seniority, production and which would be the better asset for the business. my suggestion check with the boss as to what kind of dinner party this is going to be... intimate just you, the boss and the other employee, the whole office, a work party or just enjoyment time. once you know the details of the dinner you will know how to proceed, you can also ask the boss if attendance is mandatory or not. |
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bpcyclist, Fuzzybear
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unaluna, winter4me
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Magnate
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,854
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#4
If she is copying your boss on emails she sends you, your boss may see her passive aggressiveness as unprofessional and immature.
Why does your boss want the 2 of you to go to dinner? Let her spread rumors. Do your job and prove her and everyone wrong. It appears you're in the middle of office drama. How do you know she is spreading rumors? If someone is reporting back to you about her, how healthy is that for you? Consider finding ways to feel better about yourself. you seem very caught up in what this woman and others think. And I get that. I'm like that too. But when we are secure, that stuff falls to the wayside. Does your boss know what's going on? |
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bpcyclist, Fuzzybear
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bpcyclist
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ɘvlovƎ
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 18,560
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#5
Quote:
This sounds odd but I work with a crazy narcissistic and I can’t stand her. I’m SUPER sweet to her and blatantly obvious FAKE nice to the point she gets where I’m coming from and what I’m doing. Feel like I’ve got the upper hand because it’s cunning. She can’t dob me in for being nice. So she sends a pathetically sarcastic toned email I send a sugary sweet response with an evil laugh in my head. Go to the dinner and fake it |
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bpcyclist, Fuzzybear
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Bill3, bpcyclist
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Legendary Wise Elder
Community Liaison
Member Since Jul 2011
Location: Tennessee
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#6
Maybe your boss will address it if it’s just only you 2 ?? do you know if more people are going??? If so I’d just stay busy chatting with nice adult people and not her.
I have done both ends ... I was overly nice and it gagged me to be overly pleasant but worth it because she always looked like an irrational idiot And I have told someone point blank in a normal level voice that I am absolutely done with Jr high nonsense.. we are both adults and You will start acting like one because I’ve had enough, and if one more thing happened I would go to HR. Both worked for me. I don’t know why people have to act nasty and mean. Life is too short Hope she backs off ASAP __________________ Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
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bpcyclist, Fuzzybear
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Legendary
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Portland
Posts: 12,681
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#7
I see your username includes the word "Zen." I think that is the direction I would personally go with this. Lots of good advice above, too.
My universe view is that I work to not desire that other humans be and behave in ways that are not in their nature. The reason for this is that, as in your situation, my expectation that they behave well is extremely likely not to be met, since that is not their nature. When that expectation is not met, I experience discomfort, disappointment, rage--whatever. Suffering, if you will. So, in your situation, your desire to be treated with diginity and respect by this woman is not occurring because she is a jerk. That is who she is. You wanting her to be other than who she is is actually what is the cause of your suffering here, not her conduct. She is just being perfectly and wonderfully the total jerk and loser that she is. It is her nature. My suggestion is that you accept that fact and move on. In short, in the Buddhist way of looking at these things, stop wishing, hoping, desiring her to be someone she is not. Accept her for the jerk she is. Think of her like you might a bizarre and interesting new species at the zoo. Then, I think you will feel much better. __________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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Bill3, Fuzzybear
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,325
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#8
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Bill3, bpcyclist
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Threadtastic Postaholic
Member Since Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,006
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#9
Hey @ZenZeta Workplace harassment is a real thing and doesnt have to be sexual to be a real problem:
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__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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Bill3, bpcyclist
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Bill3, unaluna, WovenGalaxy
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Member
Member Since May 2011
Location: chicago, illinois
Posts: 33
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#10
going to the dinner does not necessarily mean you have to play nice. is there some way you can bring out her true character at that meeting to make you boss truly aware of the type of person she actually is?
__________________ Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 9,514
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#11
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Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 9,514
(SuperPoster!)
6 9,697 hugs
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#12
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