How do I feel better?

Hey guys,
How is everyone?

At the close of 2019, I had this powerful urge to forgive my boyfriend for everything he put me through during our relationship. I was doing it for myself and for my sanity; Holding the grudges of everything from the past was ruining who I was. Once I forgave him, I felt a huge weight lift from my soul and I felt I was happy-- this lasted a few weeks.
Recently, negative thoughts have increasingly become stronger within my own mind, just constant reminders of the past and little nagging thoughts that say "You were never good enough, that's why he cheated on you. That's why he flirted with xyz. She's slimmer than you, she has more friends, etc."
I was able to push these down by reciting my own forgiveness mantra but that doesn't work anymore. I just feel numb now.
Exercising is a temporary relief but everything just comes back.
I don't know what to do to help myself anymore.

I love my boyfriend immensely and I don't believe that I'm unhappy with him or our relationship. He's been wonderful and there for me.
Why does it feel like I still want him to voice his regret? He readily apologizes without any ask, he's truly changed. I don't regret my decision to forgive him.

What can I do to change as much as he has? I don't want to hold us or myself back anymore.

He broke your trust. That may take a while to overcome, as much as you just want it to all be ok now.

Forgiveness is not linear. Its a process we do over and over, and some days are better than others.

Hey @thought_pool:

Quote:

Originally Posted by thought_pool Hey guys, How is everyone? At the close of 2019, I had this powerful urge to forgive my boyfriend for everything he put me through during our relationship. I was doing it for myself and for my sanity; Holding the grudges of everything from the past was ruining who I was. Once I forgave him, I felt a huge weight lift from my soul and I felt I was happy-- this lasted a few weeks.

Do you mean forgive him and stay with him or are you talking about forgiveness post-break up?

Quote:

Recently, negative thoughts have increasingly become stronger within my own mind, just constant reminders of the past and little nagging thoughts that say "You were never good enough, that's why he cheated on you. That's why he flirted with xyz. She's slimmer than you, she has more friends, etc." I was able to push these down by reciting my own forgiveness mantra but that doesn't work anymore. I just feel numb now. Exercising is a temporary relief but everything just comes back. I don't know what to do to help myself anymore. I love my boyfriend immensely and I don't believe that I'm unhappy with him or our relationship. He's been wonderful and there for me.

So I understand this right: Are you saying he cheated on you and you stayed with him? What reasons did he give for the cheating and how do you know its still not going on?

Quote:

Why does it feel like I still want him to voice his regret? He readily apologizes without any ask, he's truly changed. I don't regret my decision to forgive him. What can I do to change as much as he has? I don't want to hold us or myself back anymore.

I know I may not have the right to an opinion on this because I have never been cheated on but what brought about his change? Was it because he got caught? (did you catch him or did he tell you?) Did he break things off with the other person?

@thought_pool, I'd like to understand the history of your relationship..... when you say, everything he put you through, what else has he done that has caused you pain in the history of your relationship?

And as I understand you, he cheated, but you decided to stay with him? I am curious why you decided to stay after he cheated? And after what seems like potentially a longer history of issues?

Here's are the truths about cheating: it ruins and breaks trust. It creates mistrust, anxiety and insecurity in the person who was cheated on, just as you are having now. The thoughts that you have, "why wasn't I good enough", are the emotional repercussions of the action of cheating.

Those thoughts may never leave you while you are in this relationship. You may always carry a fear in your mind that he may cheat again, OR that you are not good enough to satisfy him.

The question you have to ask yourself is: Do you want to continue to live like that?

Cheating has both short and long-term consequences, and mainly for the person who was cheated on.

Is he really worth it? Are you willing to endure those types of thoughts for potentially a very long time? Are you willing to sacrifice your sense of 'emotional safety' and 'emotional security' for this man?

Having been cheated upon in both my long-term deals, I agree with everything that has been said above. The real damage from cheating is not the sex, it is the deception. The amount of lying required to attempt to successfully cheat on a partner is astronomical.

I have never felt the same nor full trusted my most recent partner, whom I "forgave" and did not leave. In retrospect, I should have left. She cheated because she likes the rush of the cheating and lying and the game. It is her nature. Is it your boyfriend's?

He cheated on me once 3 years ago, a drunken one night stand and confessed in July 2019. I stayed.
He tells me how unhappy he was in life and how he never considered that he might've been the problem and blamed everyone else.
He struggled with alcohol abuse, was surrounded by terrible company and worked in the service industry as a bartender, constantly surrounded by these things.

He cheated with a coworker, who had her sights set on him since he first started working there. I warned him about her and expressed my concerns many times, still he pressed there was nothing to worry about.
He told me he never had feelings for her, that it was solely a one night stand and a huge mistake. He stopped talking to her completely and left that bar a few months later.

This all unfolded when I found texts to a new coworker at a new bar. He was flirting with her and was of course, drunk again. He didn't remember the texts.
I was raging at him and he broke down crying and confessed about the first girl. So I guess it was a bit of both.
He's cut ties with any girl that's made me feel uncomfortable (and please don't get me wrong, I'm not unreasonable. These girls he's cut off are any of the ones that have flirted with him and have expressed interest.)

He wasn't able to figure this all out about himself without counseling. Since he's been, he's a completely changed person.

There has been a lot of emotional manipulation, harsh words, cold attitudes, broken promises and lies on his part and a lot of rage, sadness and threats of leaving on mine. I don't want to sound prideful but I really have done my best to be the best partner I could, having learned from past failed relationships. Truly feeling like this was the man for me, I presented my best self.
I stayed because we have a deep connection to each other, regardless of what we've been through. He had a lot of growing up to do and unfortunately, I had to experience it and I felt that I was the one to push him through that transition.
He is truly my best friend and a wonderful, kind hearted person. The disgusting, mean parts of him lasted for just one year. After he made his mistake, he got better but not completely because I don't feel as though he was totally honest with himself until we went to counseling.

I understand that those thoughts are the results of what was done to me-- but isn't it in my own power to change my narrative?
That's what I'd like to learn.
I know that I am better than what I am telling myself.

I feel safe with him, emotionally and physically and am confident he would never do this again. I've never seen him cry so much before.

I understand what you're saying but this wasn't an affair, though it does not matter. I am just trying to point out that the sex was a one time thing.

I guess I am able to trust him and feel safe because he is completely forthcoming in anything I want to know and in his plans for our future.
If he continued to lie to me or blame anyone other than himself for his behaviors, I could understand continuing to feel the shame and mistrust. This is not the case though. I do believe he had low self esteem and enjoyed being complimented and flirted with by someone new (as he gained quite a bit of weight and was very unhappy with himself.)

I feel like the problem stems from me now. I want to learn how to change the way I think of myself.

It WILL take time to rebuild your Trust in Him, @thought_pool. Don't worry, it will happen at some point, just give it your best effort like you're already WONDERFULLY doing! I was wondering, perhaps you may want to consider Couple Counselling? Even though he is at fault in this case, perhaps Couple Counselling may be helpful in rebuilding the Trust that you used to have. Give it a thought if you haven't already! Individual Counselling may be an option as well if you aren't already doing it. In any case, take it slow and easy. If you're feeling bad, consider talkgin about ALL of this with Him. Hopefully he'll listen to what you have to say and understand what you mean. Perhaps you'll be able to work something out together. Communication is REALLY important in EVERY relationship! Keep trying your best! Remember that you are ALWAYS THE STRONGEST! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @thought_pool, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

But you feel insecure and wonder if you’re not good enough. In your title you ask how to feel better? Seems you suffer from insecurity because he cheated and flirted. And that is the most natural reaction. I don’t call that being fully emotionally safe with someone though. Seems you’re trying to compensate for his mistake by telling yourself you need to change how you’re feeling and fix it yourself. It’s his mistake. He should be bending over backwards to make up for it.

So he cheated once, left the bar then flirted with a new coworker and texted with her then got busted.

How do you know for a fact that he’s changed?

Seems to me he’s a cheater and cannot be trusted. He’s also been known to lie to you. I wouldn’t trust him if it were me. Two times he’s already crossed the line. He’ll just be more careful next time.

All other prior issues are major red flags. His drinking is also a red flag. If he continues to work in a bar, who is to say he won’t get drunk and do this again?

Seems to me you’re trying to fix a mountain of his problems that are not yours to fix. And now you think you need to change yourself. He’s the problem. You can do better.

I second Mickey Cheeky's advice for individual and couples counseling if you want to stay.

You have ongoing issues with this man for years. Why not look for a better match? Relationships don’t have to be a constant pain and suffering. You can do better