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Kaykay84
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Unhappy Jan 18, 2020 at 06:00 AM
  #1
I have been with my fiancé for about a year and a half. We got engaged pretty early in the relationship and on our one year anniversary we moved in together. It’s the kind of love out of a fairy tail, after the hell I went through in my previous marriage. Well we did have our ups and downs but mostly it’s been great. So at the beginning he did tell me he has 2 kids, which I met them and love them like my own. It’s been bliss, they are wonderful. We do everything with them. He loves the fact how much I care for them and them for me. It’s a strong bond we share. So we decided to start trying for a little one of our own, but still that hasn’t happened for us. Which is understandable since I was on the pill for so long. The shocker came today when we sat down for dinner and he told me he had something he needed to tell me. I didn’t know what to expect. So after and year and a half he now decided to tell me that he in fact has 3 kids not 2. He said he didn’t tell me about his oldest kid because he is not in that child life. I understand the fact that he is not in the child’s life, but at the end of the day I feel so betrayed by him not telling me this earlier. The fact that he has another child doesn’t bother me one bit, what bothers me is the fact he lied to me and hid the 3rd child from me. I asked him at the beginning of our relationship how many kids he had and he said only 2. Now come to find out it’s 3. Why did he feel the need to lie? He broke my trust. We been trying for a child and I didn’t even know that he has more then he told me. I honestly don’t know if he is hiding anything from me. But at the end of the day, I called him out on his lying and told him it was wrong he lied to me about it for so long and told him that his secret hurt me. Again I don’t mind he has a 3rd child, it’s the fact he kept him a secret and lied about it. Now he broke up with me because he said I’m acting unreasonable and he doesn’t understand why I’m angry with him. And instead of him to man up and take responsibility for his betrayal, he broke up with me and said I done much worse. He throws my 1 time mental breakdown in my face every time we argue. I been getting help with that since it happened and it never happened again. I just feel lost at this point and don’t know what to think or do. Help please
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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 10:09 AM
  #2
WOW. Honestly? You dodged a MAJOR bullet with this one.

He couldn't see what was wrong with the big fat LIE he told, to begin with. Not only was it unconscionable to NOT tell you about the 3rd child when asked, but then to turn it ALL around on YOU, saying YOU'RE unreasonable for being upset about HIS LIE?

Consider yourself very very lucky that you did not have a child with this man. Good news is: you found out before it's far too late.

What he did is called DEFLECTION. He deflected onto YOU what was HIS fault, and made you feel like you're to blame for something irrelevant to HIS BIG FAT LIE. In other words, he turned the spotlight onto YOU. It's called deflection.

Don't absorb that crap. It's HIS lie to own and to take full ownership of. If he cannot admit that it was WRONG of him, GOOD RIDDANCE.

I wouldn't go back to this man after something as bad as that.

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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 10:54 AM
  #3
Just be glad. You dodged a liar. Next relationship, do not move in with or have children with someone who won't marry you first.
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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 11:09 AM
  #4
It is utterly shameful and disgusting of him to throw your mental breakdown in your face and attack you for calling him out on his massive lie.

Would you want the stay with him and hear that every time he gets angry with you?
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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 04:31 PM
  #5
He definitely should have told you about the third child, even though he his estranged, at least by the time you started seriously talking about commitment, certainly by the time you got engaged, definitely by the time you started trying for a child with him. Yikes!

I agree with the others that you are blessed that he broke off the relationship.

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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 10:30 PM
  #6
I agree with the other posts

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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 07:21 AM
  #7
I may be in the minority here but I do not think what he did is necessarily relationship ending- if its the only thing and only time ever concealment or omission or lying popped up. If he is not in the child's life ever- as in no child support, no visitation, no communication, hasnt seen the child in years-then I can see where he might be ashamed and think you would hate him or think he is a bad father and not tell you. Its still not ok- but its something I think you can recover from.
If however he has been paying support all this time or knows how the child is doing or has any sort of communication with the baby mama or anything current then I think its a problem. I feel this way because being constantly reminded of a child by paying support or having info shared with you by an ex or any sort of currant info is not something you can forget about or not tell your current partner about. Its flat out deceit. Its calculated and its on purpose. But if its nearly an after thought because he really has no idea what is going on I think its something that can be worked through.
Did he sign away his parental rights?

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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 08:00 AM
  #8
In my dating years I went on one date with a guy who had no involvement in his biological child's life and eventually gave up his rights so his ex’s new spouse adopted the kid. He shared it on the first date which was quite brave of him. I could see that technically speaking he isn’t a father and really has no kids as his kid has two parents and it’s not him. So I could see how someone wouldn’t even share it if they gave a child for adoption.

Did he give up his child for adoption? If not did he explain his lack of involvement?

Did you ask him why he decided to share it now? What changed?

You sound very young. You’ve been with this man for only a year and a half and you love his children “like your own”. I really don’t think it’s the case. If you break up now you likely never see these kids again and you’ll eventually move on and won’t spend your life suffering not seeing them. That’s absolutely not how it works with “your own”.

I think you should be done with this guy. Date slowly, don’t move in, get to know people first, don’t get involved with their kids right away or maybe don’t even date men with kids (you are young and have many options) and don’t try to get pregnant so soon after meeting someone and not even being married
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 08:18 AM
  #9
I kind of think this didn’t need to be a deal breaker. This wasn’t an intentional lie to cover up something he did to hurt you. It could be something he didn’t tell you because it’s not an easy thing to deal with. Personally I think it was probably a painful ordeal for him and he might have felt ashamed. People are very judgmental toward others in a situation like this so it’s very likely he closed off this part of his life to everybody, even himself. I agree that it would have been better to tell you up front but I think it’s worth having an open conversation with him about at least - after the initial shock wears off. You would know right away if your first opinions about this were right or if there is another side you hadn’t considered.
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 08:25 AM
  #10
I disagree, respectfully. She point blank asked him how many kids and he point blank lied saying TWO. There’s no reason or excuse for lying about a third child, in my opinion. It’s not a little white lie either; it’s a child that he never told her about.

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Last edited by Have Hope; Jan 19, 2020 at 08:40 AM..
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 08:44 AM
  #11
I’d find out first if the child is given up for adoption.

There is zero obligation for people to share that they gave up a child. It’s often for protecting privacy of a child. Unless it’s an open adoption with everyone involved people have rights for privacy and protecting themselves and adopted children from others’ scrutiny. Sure I’d be shocked to find out someone gave up a child and I knew nothing about it but usually these situations are more complicated. If he gave up a child and someone else is now a legal parent, he actually isn’t a father of that child anymore and doesn’t need to disclose. Not even his place to disclose.

OP did he tell you what really happened with the child?
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 08:59 AM
  #12
He also throws in her face in every argument her mental breakdown. When confronted with her upset over his lie, he breaks up with her, again throwing her breakdown in her face.

He won’t own up to his lie, like she is saying, and broke up with her because she was upset? Then throws her breakdown in her face yet again, which is clearly a deflection to place the blame on her when it’s his lie?

I would personally walk away. These are all red flags. He seems like a lying jerk.

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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 09:40 AM
  #13
I think your gut is telling you something is off about this lie and how he reacted to you when you got upset that he lied to you. A red flag is lack of respect which he displayed not only by lying to you but reacting badly and turning blame on you when you got upset as well as his choosing to put you down due to a breakdown you had experienced. Not only did he not want to own his lie and show you respect for how that can upset you, he chose to attack you and put you down and discard you. Also, he was in relationships with two women who both had children and he discarded them. Do you want to have a child with him and find yourself discared too?
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 09:40 AM
  #14
The OPs feelings and everyone else’s here are completely correct and valid. There are no right answers.

A few of us here are coping with estrangement from an adult child and it’s interesting to that issue as to what we are discussing here. A painful rift may be too personal to share at first. My own values would definitely force me to disclose something as important as a child I created to a prospective spouse when that relationship started getting that intimate, but I see other’s opinions vary. It would also want to know why he had no involvement/child support. These are important facts to have to form the decision whether this person is a good life partner for you; worthy of trust.

Also, aside from the disclosure issue, he has been emotionally invalidating, and the whole relationship was moving in a direction very quickly and not in the right order of things as most people do. But, those are personal choices, too. Not judging.

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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 09:51 AM
  #15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
I think your gut is telling you something is off about this lie and how he reacted to you when you got upset that he lied to you. A red flag is lack of respect which he displayed not only by lying to you but reacting badly and turning blame on you when you got upset as well as his choosing to put you down due to a breakdown you had experienced. Not only did he not want to own his lie and show you respect for how that can upset you, he chose to attack you and put you down and discard you. Also, he was in relationships with two women who both had children and he discarded them. Do you want to have a child with him and find yourself discared too?

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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 01:36 PM
  #16
The more I think about this the more I believe the invalidation of your mental illness and breakdown should be a separate issue.

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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 04:27 PM
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I dated a guy he said he had a daughter but her mom moved out of state and he tried everything , even hired a detective to find her. He was a great guy , everyone thought so, eventually he moved into my home .. about 4 months later he called me at work and said he just left court , he had lied and had been dodging the mom , had never paid child support.. his daughter was 6 he was complaining about the court ordered child support amount which he said would effect what he was paying living together.

I literally couldn’t speak. I hung up.

I went home and exploded , I didn’t care that he had a child, he hid from her for 6 years , did not financially support his child at all , saw her once or twice after she was born.

It was the end, I forced him to get out.

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Smile Jan 19, 2020 at 04:30 PM
  #18
Welcome to Psych Central, Kaykay, Here are links to 3 articles that may be of interest, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of secrets & lies in relationships:

Secrets, Lies and Relationships | Healing Together for Couples

The Impact of Secrets and Lies in a Relationship: A Closer Look | Healing Together for Couples

The Cost of Secrets and Lies

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 07:19 PM
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Originally Posted by ~Christina View Post
I dated a guy he said he had a daughter but her mom moved out of state and he tried everything , even hired a detective to find her. He was a great guy , everyone thought so, eventually he moved into my home .. about 4 months later he called me at work and said he just left court , he had lied and had been dodging the mom , had never paid child support.. his daughter was 6 he was complaining about the court ordered child support amount which he said would effect what he was paying living together.

I literally couldn’t speak. I hung up.

I went home and exploded , I didn’t care that he had a child, he hid from her for 6 years , did not financially support his child at all , saw her once or twice after she was born.

It was the end, I forced him to get out.
Sadly there are so many deadbeat parents out there, both men and women. So appalling.
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 10:17 PM
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Sadly there are so many deadbeat parents out there, both men and women. So appalling.


It really is disgusting.

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