Vent: angry

I got my period this morning.

Blood got on the sheets and on our (relatively new) expensive mattress.

My husband flipped out and got upset. He basically threw a fit, when it was merely an accident I couldn't help.

He said I've ruined the mattress (when it can be cleaned), it's under warranty, and now we can never return it if we need to. He basically made me feel like total CRAP, over something that was an accident. I didn't know when my period would arrive, or on which day.

As it is, I cleaned and the stains came out.

I didn't lose it when he broke our new glass geranium, nor did I make him feel like crap over breaking it by accident. I was very compassionate towards him and made sure to not blame him or get upset.

But he did the opposite. He got upset, he indirectly blamed me, and as a result, I feel like crap.

A lot of the time, things are fine, but sometimes, when this type of crap happens, I think about leaving him.

I am mainly venting because I'm upset. It's always the blame game with him, and I am always the one to blame for everything.

I don't know how to work with that. I tell him "why does it always have to be about blame?" That's childish. He doesn't ever want to take responsibility for HIS role in things.

And because I got upset over his reaction to the blood on the sheets? He said, "now you're going to ruin the whole weekend because you're angry at me?"

Clearly I cannot be angry or react to him. He's allowed to blow up, but I cannot get upset over his poor behavior.

He left for work, and I now feel like being distant with him. I don't even want to message him today.

Definitely not your husband's most shining moment.

While I'm beyond that age now, I have had that happen to me, and I'd venture to say, it's happened to many if not most females.

I bought a new bed myself about 4 months ago at the Brick, and they told me I had to buy a mattress protector (from them no less!) in order to be able to return it for any reason within their window, which I believe was 90 days.

While you won't be able to return it now, I would still go to Walmart or some bedding shop and purchase a waterproof bed protector. They aren't that expensive, and they don't feel plasticy like they did years ago. Mine feels like luxurious cloth. It is a bamboo breathable one.

You will then be able to tell your husband that while you don't excuse his response for an accident, you've taken proactive steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. The mattress protector is fully machine washable or spot cleanable.

I'm very sorry he responded so poorly. That response would have devastated me, as I was prone to moodiness and depression at that time of the month anyways.

I am really quite worried for you. You have posted many things that are very distressing to hear about your relationship, then when we point it out and state our concern, you immediately say it's not as bad as you said and your relationship is basically perfect.

I didn't comment on this but I read in your thread about eating disorders where you said that if he found out he would leave you.

I know you don't like blunt but I'm going to be blunt: he is not the healthy person you need to be around to heal. He might love you (to an extent). But if his love stops because you are sick, then he's just sticking with you because you're a cash cow.

I know he often makes you feel good, he often says nice things, but then he reverts to this behavior. AND, you can't even tell him your sick because you are certain he'll leave you?! Yes, as your girl-buddy here, I'm going to go on the record that you can do better. I know you say this stuff doesn't happen all the time but that it happens at all is a problem.

If you had kids and the kids got sick and vomited on the carpet, ruining it, would it be okay for him to make the kid feel ashamed of being sick? No, so why would this be acceptable? And then you aren't allowed to have feelings because it ruins his weekend?

I know you are not interested in leaving him, that's okay. But if he won't go to to couples counseling to work on these communication issues and the very hurtful things he does/says to you, is it really worth it to suffer for...how many more years you are alive? You've read the stories of other women on here (I was going to name names but didn't want to offend them) all talking about spending long marriages with men who behave in not so nice ways to them, exactly as you are describing. I'm not downing on them, they are all strong women who have weathered great storms, but do you want to live with someone like this for the rest of your life?

Work and home feed into each other. You are having struggles at work and your husband, who should be considerate and caring about you, lays into you for having your period, which is simply part of being a woman, and is not your fault?

Let me ask you this: you've said your finances are separate. Who paid for the mattress? I suspect it was you.

Sorry, I don't mean to upset you. I'm genuinely upset on your behalf. If you need a "sister" to rip into him for (as a good sister would) let me at him!

Thank you for your kindness. I appreciate your reply. We have a mattress cover, it just wasn’t on because it was recently washed.

I’m almost embarrassed now that I wrote so openly about what happened with my period lol.

And yes, he reacted very poorly! Grrr.

Hey @seesaw. I appreciate your feelings and I appreciate your sentiments and anger on my behalf.

I hear what you’re saying. And trust me, it makes me angry too.

There are moments like these that I think along the same lines as you and wonder if I’ll leave him one day.

He’s far from perfect. I’m far from perfect. Our marriage certainly isn’t perfect. And he has many flaws I could do without.

And then there’s several beautiful things between us that keep me in the relationship. For me, there’s some black and white areas and then some gray areas. It’s complex, in my mind at least.

I don’t think he’d actually leave me if he found out I have an eating disorder. That’s my fear talking. But he’d be angry and upset because I didn’t tell him ever and have hid it from him.

We bought the mattress together and split the cost. And yes we keep finances separate (mostly).

Oh I just don’t know... sometimes I think yes I’ll end up leaving him, and other times I’m like no way, I can’t imagine it.

I also think that no marriage or person is perfect.

I got defensive and protective before on my other thread about my marriage, yes. I’m in a position where I want to make up my own mind about it and decide for myself, especially since it goes back and forth.

He did apologize for his behavior this morning. He called from work to tell me he loves me. Then later apologized when I told him he made me feel like crap and got angry for no reason. At least he said he was sorry.

Would he consider couples counseling? His anger defiantly needs addressed. You also need to be able to let him truly know how he makes you feel at times.

Everyone will argue and have fights over things but resentment can build overtime and that will destroy any relationship. ... but people need to understand how to “ fight fair”

My husband use to have arguments and some how we would both bring up crap from the past, it was ridiculous. Something would happen we would start to argue and then we both just SHUT UP , walked away...we would email each other about what caused the problem/fight. We would express in words how we both felt and bring up ways to resolve it or compromise.

It really helped our relationship. We truly put things from the past to bed, done with.

We did this for 6-8 months it really brought us much closer.

The other day we were talking and something came up and we disagreed he snapped. I took a deep breathe and didn’t respond, it was maybe 30 mins later we talked about it.

So yes learning to fight fair is so important in a relationship

He won’t go to therapy. That’s an interesting approach: email. No, he doesn’t fight fairly. I do tell him how he makes me feel when it happens, and usually afterwards. We always make up the same day and apologize.