My family threaten to cut me off if i get back with my partner

So this is abit of a complicated situation.

my partner and I were together for 4 and a half years. We had our ups and downs like any other couple but he always struggles with being honest.

we have 2 young daughters together who are 3 and 1.

we split up in October last year and recently over Christmas he reached out to me and said he misses me and realised he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. He has promised to go on may counselling courses to address his controlling behaviour and also believes he suffers from narcissistic traits. Which he has also said he would like to have counselling for.

He has said that he doesn't expect to get back together straight away and that he wants me to see the changes before I make any kind of decision. Even if it takes 6 months. All he has said is he wants to see me often so he can show me his progress and the things hes learnt, as well as use that time to spend a little time with me.

The problem is my family have never liked him, and they have put me in a position where I basically have to choose between him or them. They said they would cut me dead if I ever went back there.

but we have 2 children together and I of course love him. So what should I do?

I want to see the changes he makes and I would want nothing more than to be back with the person who was my everything. But I also don't want to lose my family so im feeling very torn.

Please help me!!

Your situation sounds so difficult, danC1905.

I wish I knew what I would do if I was in your shoes but no answer comes to me. Hopefully others here will have helpful ideas.

You certainly deserve to be free of this terrible pressure you must feel from the situation. I was once in a similar situation and it was only time that seemed to change the situation.

Sincere apologies for not being able to be helpful to you. It is heartbreaking what you are dealing with ! ! ! -- Yaowen

Well do you live with your family ? Or have your own place ?

Unless your living with them why do they even need to know if you and him are seeing a marriage counselor?

If they drive by and see him or his car and ask ... it’s simple .... he’s seeing his children , since they are so young it would make sense to see them in your home.

Regardless he is either going to work hard on himself and you will see true changes and if not , then move on with your life.

Good luck

HI @danC1905. Welcome to PC!

I am curious about the history of your relationship. Can you give more details around why your family would act this way? Are the reasons valid? What has gone on in your relationship that has been negative? Can you give more details about his behaviors and dishonesty?

Do you live with your Parents? If that's the case, then I realize how difficult this can be. You may want to consider moving in with him if he seems to be improving. I realize that your Parents cutting you off must be devastating, emotionally. Have you already tried to discuss ALL of this with them? Personally I feel like they should respect you and your own choices, even though I understand they may be worried about You. But threatening to cut you off? That is no good. Try to have an honest conversation with them and see if you can make them understand your point of view. I'd also be curious to understand their motivations if you want to share them, but you don't have to if you don't want to. In any case, I am wishing you the BEST of Luck! Keep us updated! Sending many saf,e, warm hugs to BOTH you, @danC1905, your Family, your Friends, your Boyfriend, and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I'm not sure what "cut me off" means - are they currently supporting you by providing a place to stay, money or child care? If so, they have the right to put strings on that support and if you choose to disregard their feelings on the matter be prepared for the consequences.

If they are not supporting you, then it's less crucial if they cut you off, but again they have clearly stated they will not have a relationship with you if you go back with him. Again, just a consequence.

Choose wisely. If this is a longstanding on-and-off type relationship where you have shared some negative experiences with this person with your family, they are probably tired of the drama and are going to end it if you go back. It's their right.

You CAN co-parent without being in a relationship with someone.

This is called hoovering where a narcissist will pretend to be nice, proclaim their love and that they will change just to get you back under their control again.

You need to read about this kind of disorder in people so you don't end up getting hurt over and over again.

Hi guys, thanks for all your replies so far, i am going to give you a little bit more information on why things have gotten so messy.

It first started about 4 years ago, when we found out we were pregnant with our first, we wasn't anywhere near prepared so my mom offered to take a loan out for us providing we agreed to pay it back, The loan was for 6000 pounds. My mom and Dad had 3000 and we had the other 3000. It was agreed we would pay half of the monthly repayment until it was settled. Which he always has, bar missing one or 2 payments due to job changes ect. But has always caught up quickly.

Around the same time my mom became a victim of identity fraud. She had several loans took out in her name totalling around 2000 pounds. My partner was immediately the one in the firing line. The police were involved and completed all the investigations and was unable to trace the culprit. But my partner offered to pay towards the debt as he didn't want my mom and dad to struggle. It was proven it wasn't him but they still accuse him to this day.

We did split up for a few weeks over this as until the police completed there investigations I was unsure about what or who to believe. We then got back together even tho my mom and dad were dead against it.

As mentioned previously things were always pretty good. We had our ups and down but we were never unhappy.

But recently last year he became very distant and started suffering with depression, I have to admit i wasn't much help to him as i didn't really know what to do. But i found out during this time he began speaking to another woman. It only went on for 2 weeks and they never met and nothing was ever physical. But none the less it upset me massively.

I was however prepared to get past it and we worked things out.

A month or 2 went by and things didn't realty seem the greatest so I decided that I was going to move back to my moms and the relationship ended.

After the relationship ended we argued a little and ill hold my hands up, i told him he couldn't see our daughters unless he took me to court. So he did.

Ever since he took me to court for access, my family have been extremely bitter and are trying to convince me he wanted to take the kids off me. But I explained to them that he was only petitioning for access not custody but they still have there own opinions.

Skipping forward to now, we recently started talking again after nearly 3 months.

He has told me he misses me and that the time we have spent apart he has realised he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. He has told me that he wants me back but not right away. He wants to spend time with me. Hes signed up to multiple therapy sessions. Including; CBT, Addressing Controlling Behaviour, NPD, Managing Relationships effectively.

He has said that he wants me to be able to see him changing before we even contemplate starting our relationship again. He doesn't want me to rush into being back with him and that all he wants right now is for me to support him on his journey.

I have known this man for nearly 5 years.

I really do love him and I would like nothing more than to have our little family back together again. Apart of me really wants to see him become a better man and knowing he's doing it for me and our daughters gives me a great sense of proudness.

My mom and dad basically said that if i go back to him then the will not talk or see us again. This upsets me because i love my mom and dad. But I love him too.

I am currently living with my parents, they do not financially support me and neither do they help with childcare. Too be honest they treat me like im 15. They always want to know where I am, who im with or where im going.

Im just so torn and confused

It sounds like you should get therapy for yourself, talk to an impartial person who could help you become less confused.

I think you should read up on what NPD means along with the sacrifices YOU would make if you went back into a relationship with this individual. Also, it's not easy for two little girls to grow up with a father that has NPD either.

I also agree with Nammu in that you should have private therapy for yourself.

If you are living with your parents, how are they not supporting you? Are you paying them rent? Do you buy all your own and the children's food? If you choose to re-establish a relationship with him, you'd better move in with him too because they will turn their backs. It's a choice. Is he worth losing your home? Probably not, men are everywhere.

My parents disowned me when I went my boyfriend who became my unwanted husband because I was all alone in the world. I just didn't want them telling me who I could and couldn't date. It spiraled out of control as did my life. I was 19 a senior in college but they cut funding so I had to drop out. My life was ruined. Because I couldn't tow the line.

Weigh what you truly want versus what they are saying. I let emotions rule me. And caused a life altering mess. Think use wise mind.

It seems like a relationship full of way too much drama, and drama is generally instability. As others have said, you might consider therapy for yourself before you jump back into this relationship. There are children involved, and they deserve stability in their lives as well. If their parents are stable, neither are their lives.

Is this man supporting his children? Is he paying child support? Or your parents are forced to support them by allowing all of you live with them? Do you wotk? Does this man?

Oooff.. this is so hard.. just follow your heart. Once you guys had kids together your family KNEW that he was going to be around regardless. I see their concerns with wether he’s going to treat you right but to make you choose between them when in reality they both are your family ? its crazy..

Hi Guys, just to answer a few of the questions,

Yes he does pay child support, he pays more than he is even legally required too. He pays for all activities at school and anything they desperately need.

He has a very good job also. He's a Senior Railways Engineer.

My parents don't support me financially, I pay my own way in terms of rent. I buy my own food, and don't ask them for anything other than a roof over my head.

Why not move out ? You could at least go to couples counseling and see over time if he truly has changed ??

I am NOT one who believes ALL narcissist are unable to have a relationship that can work well. Just as there is spectrum of any mental illness or personality disorder. There are always people who can make it work.

Yes all couples have up and downs. He’s never been abusive mental , emotional or physical from what you have shared.

Yes him taking to another women was wrong wrong wrong, that is unacceptable, but again I am NOT someone who would say it’s impossible to forgive some one for talking to another woman, full out cheating ?? My husband cheated that’s a line I couldn’t forgive. if he felt depressed then he should have sought help, well ...I feel some people truly don’t realize what they have until it’s no longer there.

He will need to prove overtime , long time that he truly is committed to making changes.

It’s good he is not only supporting his children but going above and beyond what the court orders are , so many people ( men and women) who won’t pay a single time more. My ex always helped with my daughter needing extra, she was in marching band , holy hell its expensive so he helped pay for half or more of those expensive and was happy too.

If you love him and want to give it another shot ? Then do so... I think right now since you do still love him if you don’t you will have to deal with the “ What ifs?” For a long possibly life time of thoughts.

If you don’t consider living in parents’ house as them supporting you by providing roof above your head then why aren’t you living in your own place? If you are self sufficient and even pay rent, then why aren’t you get a place for yourself and pay rent there? I suspect rent that you pay to your parents (and utilities if you pay them) is Way below market value otherwise you’d move out. You live in their house because it’s cheaper. So they support you financially by providing that

I believe if you want to maintain intimate relationships with men, you then are old enough to support yourself and be on your own.

If you want to be with this man then at the very least move out and live independently. Many parents would support their adult children in hardship but they would look at it differently if their son or daughter spent their energy on romance rather than improving their life snd becoming independent.