Read a good article on why people insult you

I just read a good article about how people use insults to establish pecking order and how the insults reflect insecurities that motivate them.

The article is here: The Psychology of Insults | Psychology Today

Maybe I'm biased because the article reflected the conclusions I just arrived at. I've been thinking about some incidents and insults my older sister has thrown at me and it suddenly occurred to me that no one who feels confident would bother to insult others. Recent things made me think my sister has harbored a lifelong jealousy of me despite our parents favoring her that led to innappropriate behaviors.

One of these was during the first time I played in a piano masterclass, which is where you take turns performing and a teacher gives constructive criticism or instruction so other students can benefit by watching. As soon as the teacher mentioned something I could do differently, my sister started calling out tuants and insults in the middle of class. This is completely unheard of and I can't believe she got away with it.

I've been thinking over this incident lately because the attacks started not long after I resumed practicing music in the hopes of getting a teaching job. And it just occurred to me she must have felt threatened hearing me play in class so when the teacher pointed out room for improvement it made her shout out in sort of triumph. That incident has bothered me for years and the fact that she used to stand next to the piano and cuss me out whenever I practiced.

My sister used to make me feel like a loser by saying that I looked and sounded stupid and everyone hated me. Now that I am older, the insults are starting to boost my confidence because I realize that I am doing well enough to arouse jealousy.

MrsA, I am sorry you experienced that kind of treatment by your older sister. It's amazing how something not thought about for many years can come rushing forward like you described. When we are just children and face others that put us down as described in the article, we may actually believe we are not very good or talented or deserving. Children are so innocent and tend to believe in anything they are told. Unfortunately, they tend to become targets because of this, especially if another child feels threatened by them and is looking for attention and some way of being or feeling superior.

My sister is four years older than me and she felt threatened by my presence from the time I was just an infant. I recently came across an old photo and I was such a peanut compared to her and I was around age 7, so I realized how that difference in age and size can have an impact for many years in one's childhood. Infact, all my life I had this feeling of needing to look over my shoulder, I thought it was normal. Well, it's not normal only MY normal. Years later in flashbacks I learned where it actually came from and that it was her hovering over me and she was a negative presence. She was not a healthy presence for me in that she did attack my self esteem and I did not even know what self esteem even meant but I felt it. This can be something a person unknowingly carries their entire lives.

Could be the problem with my sister-in-law too.

For many years, she was a single mother who relied on the goodwill of relatives for childcare, etc whilst she was at work. Fast forward to when my brother met her. Very nice at first, then her outspoken attitude reared its head. I put this down to nervousness at being in our company. One of four daughters, her parents split when she was very young; two living with father, other two with mother.

Her behaviour has got worse since she and my brother started to brag about all the things they were doing, how much they cost, etc. Both have good jobs and company cars. Whilst it's a personal choice, I wouldn't have spent as much money on their house as they have but it was her decision to stay in the area she knew.

Apart from the drink problem, I considered she may feel uncomfortable in my company, which sparks the unacceptable comments/actions. My mother agreed it could be a reason, but it's still inexcusable. My aunt is constantly striving to be number one.

A family pecking order is dangerous for many reasons. If they want to behave in this way, then I'll gladly move over to not impede their route to the top!!

I have also felt the heavy blow of insults throughout my childhood and even till this day. I’ve experienced them from my mother and my older sister mostly. It is the most disturbing realization to have that your own biological mother who raised you is somehow jealous or intimidated by you? The insults I receive from both of them come when I am speaking about something good about myself or affirming myself. It’s as if they do not want me to see my own worth. Perhaps I am the mirror reflecting back at them their lack of self-worth? I began to realize that the more whole and the more I was working on myself and letting go of bad habits etc. the more I was triggering them. Back in the day when I was living a toxic lifestyle of binging on alcohol and living recklessly I used to get along very well with my sister. Now that I’ve changed my ways and cleaned up a bit, there is always tension lurking.

I think the worst thing we can do for ourselves is to believe what they say, or the nasty faces they may pull. Their words are a reflection of their own state of happiness inside. So there’s actually no need for us to react to this. Perhaps the more solid we become in who we are we will end up inspiring them to also work on themselves? Either way, we are doing great and no one needs to tell us we are awesome because we know we are!

All the best, Blessings.

My brother constantly insulted me when we were kids, which really hurt my self esteem. He has changed, and I am working on forgiving him. It's not easy though.

What you said feels like my reality too. My sister was always much bigger than me. She's 2 years older and I wals always 20 or so lbs. smaller than she was at the same age. That's why the bullying was a big deal. When she hit you and she said she barely touched you, it actually hurt a lot because she hit harder than anyone I know.

Today I was thinking of the 12 year old boy she chased and beat up in a shopping center when she was in high school and I started thinking he could have grown up into someone who might one day go out and shoot a bunch of stangers. Because no one knows what that kind of treatment is like unless you were on the receiving end.

It's nice to find people who know what it's like to grow up with a bully. Lately she started claiming to be a victim and showing people photos of me as a baby to prove I was born with a bad temper. Like you said, if a baby looks unhappy it's probably the fault of the family. Thanks for sharing.

Yeah, I've noticed that too. Today I was commenting on how a job I did earned $87 in one hour and my sister had to immediately negate my sense of achievement by saying we already spent the money before the job was done. It's as if she can't bear to let any positive statement stand undefeated (and she accuses me of always being negative).

I also notice that things she says about me are more true about herself and I think about the mirror analogy. But I usually believe that people with low emotional IQ simply assign their own motives and feelings onto others because they aren't clever enough to imagine that other people can have thoughts and feelings that they don't have. So when my sister says I'm an idiot who lives in my own world and thinks I'm perfect, it sounds more like she's describing herself. I have never ever said I was perfect, but she claims that I say it constantly because her internal dialogue seems to drown out the actual words people say.

I finally understand another problem at college where she kept arguing with a professor that his quiz questions had meanings only she could understand. She hears what she thinks you are saying instead of what you really said. And she insisted during every class that the professor and the entire class failed to understand his quiz questions and only she was right contrary to all evidence. I guess it's hopeless expecting logic from someone who can't actually hear the words you are saying and I should find a way to stop being shocked by her behavior. Is it a sign of autism for an adult to keep interrupting classes innappropriately and not think they did anything wrong? I only know one other person who would do odd things in the middle of college classes and he had serious brain damage from an accident.

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. It helps to see the pattern to make make the behavior less personal.

I had to reply when I saw this of what you wrote: "... people with low emotional IQ simply assign their own motives and feelings onto others because they aren't clever enough to imagine that other people can have thoughts and feelings that they don't have." <--absolutely.

"I finally understand another problem at college where she kept arguing with a professor that his quiz questions had meanings only she could understand. She hears what she thinks you are saying instead of what you really said. ... serious brain damage from an accident."

I had the misfortune to work under the iron grip of a woman who had both of these problems. I had several years to observe her and her behaviors were so outside anything I had ever experienced in my many years of working with many different types of people--I had to do some research to understand.

She had difficulty speaking--literally with forming words--and it became apparent that she also had trouble understanding the meanings of the words being spoken to her in context with whatever the situation was. She avoided written communication, too--and what little I saw from her was mostly incomplete sentences. From what she said over the years, her problems were lifelong; not as the result of a stroke in her adulthood. She mentioned once she had had speech therapy as a child. She was often deeply offended by other people and would go into rages when she thought she was slighted.

One thing though I would say about 'interrupting in classes'. Years ago at a college I attended we were encouraged to speak freely without raising our hands. When I went back to the same school many years later and did that, I realized quite quickly that things had changed and not only did students not speak out like that, overall they didn't offer anything unless they were sure their comments were somehow 'correct' and what the instructor wanted. So the people you describe could have a condition--if you are sure they know what the expected way of communicating in class. When you said "adult" I didn't know if you meant young adult of the same age and experience as the other students -- or if you maybe meant an older adult who has come back to the classroom after many years away.

Thanks @IceCreamKid for sharing your observations. I do suspect my sister has some condition. I just learned about CAPD which often occurs in people with autism or ADHD. And the guy I knew with brain damage, he was only similar to my sister in being unaware that you can't interrupt a class for a personal agenda. But he was not mean and was pretty much the complete opposite of my sister.

The thing about college was that we were allowed to speak politely and voice our opinions. But my sister was wrong and disrespectful to argue with the teacher every day over her quiz score. Each class started with a 10 question quiz to check if we had done the assigned reading. My sister kept getting slightly lower scores than me and she couldn't deal with it so she kept arguing rudely with the professor and refusing to accept his decision about questions she got wrong. Even though everyone else had no trouble understandings the quiz questions, my sister insisted that the entire class and teacher were wrong and only she was right. I don't know another college student who could be so rude in class because she can't accept the grades she earned.

It was a relief to learn about CAPD yesterday because everything made sense. Central Auditory Processing Disorder is where the brain has trouble processing sounds you hear and that explains why she hears different words from what I or other people say. Her brain probably has a prejudice that decided in advance what she expects to hear and drowns out what you are really saying. The symptoms listed on medical sites are similar to what you described in your co-worker.

Now that I think I know what's going on, I can try not to take her insults personally. It's been worse the last 5-6 years because she misunderstands simple sentences and often interrupts me to insult me based on what she thought I was going to say.. She calls me autistic and has off topic rants whenever I say anything. I recently said that I was looking for something in the house, and she heard it to mean I wanted to spend money and started raging about money. I'm not going to accept any more punishment for her cognitive deficits.

What I will try to remember is that her behavior must have social consequences for herself and that will have to be enough justice for me. People must think less of her when she yells at me in public or says innapropriate things like in class. So her behavior will have to be her own punishment.

You wrote: "I just learned about CAPD which often occurs in people with autism or ADHD. ... Her brain probably has a prejudice that decided in advance what she expects to hear and drowns out what you are really saying." <---Thank you for posting that. That filled in the rest of the blanks for me. The woman I knew had ADHD and I was pretty sure she was on the autism spectrum, too.

"What I will try to remember is that her behavior must have social consequences for herself and that will have to be enough justice for me. People must think less of her when she yells at me in public or says innapropriate things like in class." <--That is probably the best you can hope for.

Thank you for sharing, I too have had more than a few people in my life who appeared to derive some sort of satisfaction from insulting me.

Respect to all here

Ha. I finally understand what's happening.

When adults sink to the level of a child while fighting with a child, it is because they lack the intellectual superiority that most adults have over children.

So my sister's assualt on a 12 year old when she was 16, meant that her intellectual development was not above that of a 12 year old. And she reacted to the annoying behavior of a kid as if he was her equal.

All these decades I have been dealing with someone who functions at the level of a child and giving their words and actions the significance of adult behavior. I think this realization will be a big change in my life.

Thanks everyone for letting me work out my thoughts on this forum.