advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
FluffyPuppy
Member
 
FluffyPuppy's Avatar
FluffyPuppy I'm a lover, Not a fighter.
 
Member Since: Nov 2019
Location: Michigan
Posts: 34
3 yr Member
41 hugs
given
Thumbs up Jan 22, 2020 at 06:02 AM
  #1
I kind of got to thinking about something. I was scrolling on the internet and came across some dating advice. like that stuff actually works. I've noticed a super toxic trend in the dating scene as I've gotten older and just with relationships in general where people play these games or whoever loves the least wins.

You see it riddled everywhere like don't text back in a certain amount of time, act like you're busy when you aren't, act disinterested or generally just doing things that are inherently negative in having a quality relationship by being disingenuous.

For a long time I bombed with women or just in relationships in general because I fell into being a certain way that was manufactured in a playbook.

I'm not exactly sure if anyone who reads this might find it meaningful or not. For a while, past few years now I've been winning with having quality relationships with others because I am straight up with how I feel and what I say and if someone doesn't like that or has a problem or plays toxic games I prompt them to the doorway.

I'm also super aware of the stigma and ignorant attitudes people can have towards those with mental illness. Seeing them as less valuable, I've been in situations where I explain my mental illnesses and circumstances and people turn very hateful or just complete vanish from my life even though they were super into me.

I just wanted to remind others here that staying genuine you'll always win. I use to subconsciously participate in these mind games because I was so use to either having them done to me and perpetuating them or I picked it up from somewhere and thought its what I should do. , GL Friends!
FluffyPuppy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Buffy01
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, bpforever1, Buffy01, TishaBuv

advertisement
downandlonely
Legendary
 
downandlonely's Avatar
downandlonely has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 10,760 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
10.6k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 22, 2020 at 06:22 AM
  #2
I hate all the game playing too. It has been around for a long time. The book The Rules (which basically teaches women to act disinterested in order to manipulate men) was written in the 60s. One of my friends gave it to me as a joke. Personally, I've given up on dating, but that's because I realize I don't want a serious relationship and am happy being single. But I do believe honesty is the way to go.
downandlonely is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
FluffyPuppy, TishaBuv
Buffy01
Wise Elder
 
Buffy01's Avatar
Buffy01 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 9,460 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
9,664 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 22, 2020 at 12:37 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by GuitarsOnMars View Post
I kind of got to thinking about something. I was scrolling on the internet and came across some dating advice. like that stuff actually works. I've noticed a super toxic trend in the dating scene as I've gotten older and just with relationships in general where people play these games or whoever loves the least wins.

You see it riddled everywhere like don't text back in a certain amount of time, act like you're busy when you aren't, act disinterested or generally just doing things that are inherently negative in having a quality relationship by being disingenuous.

For a long time I bombed with women or just in relationships in general because I fell into being a certain way that was manufactured in a playbook.

I'm not exactly sure if anyone who reads this might find it meaningful or not. For a while, past few years now I've been winning with having quality relationships with others because I am straight up with how I feel and what I say and if someone doesn't like that or has a problem or plays toxic games I prompt them to the doorway.

I'm also super aware of the stigma and ignorant attitudes people can have towards those with mental illness. Seeing them as less valuable, I've been in situations where I explain my mental illnesses and circumstances and people turn very hateful or just complete vanish from my life even though they were super into me.

I just wanted to remind others here that staying genuine you'll always win. I use to subconsciously participate in these mind games because I was so use to either having them done to me and perpetuating them or I picked it up from somewhere and thought its what I should do. , GL Friends!
Thank for sharing people avoid me because of the mental illness in my family.
Buffy01 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
FluffyPuppy
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,120 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 22, 2020 at 12:55 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by downandlonely View Post
I hate all the game playing too. It has been around for a long time. The book The Rules (which basically teaches women to act disinterested in order to manipulate men) was written in the 60s. One of my friends gave it to me as a joke. Personally, I've given up on dating, but that's because I realize I don't want a serious relationship and am happy being single. But I do believe honesty is the way to go.
I never read the book The Rules, but was taught them by my mom who was a teen and married in the early 50’s. Being a teen in the late 70’s, I thought her rules were ridiculous. Basically they consisted of ideas like; let the man pursue you, don’t be overly easy and available, act like ‘marriage material’. It was not to act disinterested, rather to not act desperate as that turns off a potential partner. Wouldn’t you agree that’s true? At the time, though, I fought it and cringed. I insisted the sexes were equal and there were no rules. But, every time I pursued, I got rejected. I concluded men don’t really want to be pursued. They want to be the hunter. It’s their nature. Ok, everyone go ahead and jump on me here! Lol. So, I did eventually take my mom’s advice and a man did pursue and marry me, and I was very happy with that.

Now, I’m not young and single in this generation. So, I have no idea what the thinking is of today. I rather liked these old school rules because we all knew what to expect. Now, with no one knowing what’s what, is everyone confused?

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
bpcyclist
Legendary
 
bpcyclist's Avatar
bpcyclist has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Portland
Posts: 12,681 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
40.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 22, 2020 at 01:33 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by GuitarsOnMars View Post
I kind of got to thinking about something. I was scrolling on the internet and came across some dating advice. like that stuff actually works. I've noticed a super toxic trend in the dating scene as I've gotten older and just with relationships in general where people play these games or whoever loves the least wins.

You see it riddled everywhere like don't text back in a certain amount of time, act like you're busy when you aren't, act disinterested or generally just doing things that are inherently negative in having a quality relationship by being disingenuous.

For a long time I bombed with women or just in relationships in general because I fell into being a certain way that was manufactured in a playbook.

I'm not exactly sure if anyone who reads this might find it meaningful or not. For a while, past few years now I've been winning with having quality relationships with others because I am straight up with how I feel and what I say and if someone doesn't like that or has a problem or plays toxic games I prompt them to the doorway.

I'm also super aware of the stigma and ignorant attitudes people can have towards those with mental illness. Seeing them as less valuable, I've been in situations where I explain my mental illnesses and circumstances and people turn very hateful or just complete vanish from my life even though they were super into me.

I just wanted to remind others here that staying genuine you'll always win. I use to subconsciously participate in these mind games because I was so use to either having them done to me and perpetuating them or I picked it up from somewhere and thought its what I should do. , GL Friends!
Always be you.

__________________
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield
bpcyclist is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
FluffyPuppy
FluffyPuppy
Member
 
FluffyPuppy's Avatar
FluffyPuppy I'm a lover, Not a fighter.
 
Member Since: Nov 2019
Location: Michigan
Posts: 34
3 yr Member
41 hugs
given
Default Jan 22, 2020 at 03:14 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I never read the book The Rules, but was taught them by my mom who was a teen and married in the early 50’s. Being a teen in the late 70’s, I thought her rules were ridiculous. Basically they consisted of ideas like; let the man pursue you, don’t be overly easy and available, act like ‘marriage material’. It was not to act disinterested, rather to not act desperate as that turns off a potential partner. Wouldn’t you agree that’s true? At the time, though, I fought it and cringed. I insisted the sexes were equal and there were no rules. But, every time I pursued, I got rejected. I concluded men don’t really want to be pursued. They want to be the hunter. It’s their nature. Ok, everyone go ahead and jump on me here! Lol. So, I did eventually take my mom’s advice and a man did pursue and marry me, and I was very happy with that.

Now, I’m not young and single in this generation. So, I have no idea what the thinking is of today. I rather liked these old school rules because we all knew what to expect. Now, with no one knowing what’s what, is everyone confused?
I know this wasn't quoted at me but I felt a little inclined to reply to what you're saying. When you're talking about don't act desperate I just feel like that is just an insecurity not to be able to be honest about how you might feel and it not get reciprocated so it's easier to be somewhat distant.

I feel like if you can't be honest about how you feel and people who are playing games acting like they dont give a dang I've kinda always took it like well what's the point of being with you or pursuing you if you have to fake how you feel; That's like literally not being who you are.

If someone texts me I usually respond as soon as I see it or if someone tells me they want to do something i'll tell them I'm excited or if someone says they like me If I like them too I'll let them know. To me that's just being a mature adult in a relationship. People shouldn't have to walk on eggshells to express themself based off a toxic dynamic pandered in dating culture.

I had an experience not to long ago where I told someone I enjoy spending time with them and I'd like to keep spending time with them and poof, never heard from them again.

I've had women say I'm desperate and be nasty but also women who adore me and tell me never to change this part of me. I guess I'd much rather build a relationship on honesty and not disingenuous norms. Because no one really wins that way. That's why a lot of people are in relationships and still miserable...
FluffyPuppy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,120 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 22, 2020 at 03:33 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by GuitarsOnMars View Post
I know this wasn't quoted at me but I felt a little inclined to reply to what you're saying. When you're talking about don't act desperate I just feel like that is just an insecurity not to be able to be honest about how you might feel and it not get reciprocated so it's easier to be somewhat distant.

I feel like if you can't be honest about how you feel and people who are playing games acting like they dont give a dang I've kinda always took it like well what's the point of being with you or pursuing you if you have to fake how you feel; That's like literally not being who you are.

If someone texts me I usually respond as soon as I see it or if someone tells me they want to do something i'll tell them I'm excited or if someone says they like me If I like them too I'll let them know. To me that's just being a mature adult in a relationship. People shouldn't have to walk on eggshells to express themself based off a toxic dynamic pandered in dating culture.

I had an experience not to long ago where I told someone I enjoy spending time with them and I'd like to keep spending time with them and poof, never heard from them again.

I've had women say I'm desperate and be nasty but also women who adore me and tell me never to change this part of me. I guess I'd much rather build a relationship on honesty and not disingenuous norms. Because no one really wins that way. That's why a lot of people are in relationships and still miserable...
I’m not saying I was told to ‘neg’ or act disinterested, just not to jump when it feels like you may be coming across as having too strong feelings too quickly, seeming too needy and clingy. You know how they say what starts off too hot too fast tends to burn out too soon.

This is only dating in the beginning of relationships we’re talking about here. As time goes on, relationships progress, it should be natural and honest then. It’s just that people scare off easily in the beginning.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
bpforever1
Magnate
 
bpforever1's Avatar
bpforever1 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: earth
Posts: 2,063
5 yr Member
1,598 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 22, 2020 at 05:06 PM
  #8
I'm not much of an expert in online dating. And, I'm trying to keep it to a minimum. My experience with online dating has been bad and good. Bad because I met my ex online and it turned into a disaster because he and I were too ill at the time to be married. However, now I am doing much better after realizing that I need to take care of myself first and foremost. You can't expect people to like you if you don't take care of yourself and like yourself.


After thinking that I was not going to meet a man from France whom I told about my mental illness and still says he cares about me, I'm planning to meet him. I have been myself with him and honest. I've had people tell me not to invest in online relationships. I know if you never meet the person online, then it is a waste of time. But, he and I are going really slowly and are making steps to meet now after chatting for about three months. I feel a chemistry with him and sparks whereas with other men who are easier to meet for me so far have not been as interesting to say the least.

I am not seeking anything but a good relationship which makes me happy. I have to admit, I met a man who've I discussed on this site who was disabled by a stroke who was nice but no sparks between us- we were like brother and sister until he asked for nude pics. Then, I realized he was no different than any other man who was seeking a physical relationship. I thought we would be friends first and some thing would develop later but for me it just did not work. Thus, I like the French man who is sexy and sweet and makes me smile when we talk. He is full of vitality but of course he complains a lot about life but don't we all. I thought the distance between us would be a problem but so far we are handling it well. I tried to find other men to meet and have but feel nothing for them. They are nice and cordial but no sparks for me.

So, I have been honest with the French man and it has been difficult for me given my situation. I can't really go out to meet anybody now but have been given the opportunity to leave my situation. I am taking it and will try to make plans to meet my French man. He believes that love conquers all boundaries and obstacles. I am beginning to believe in his perspective. Before, I was more pragmatic and did not believe such nonsense that love can overcome problems. From my perspective, since many people and my family told me to remain single and not meet people online, I've decided to to what I would like and follow through on the man I do care about deeply now. It is not an easy road to follow one's heart because we are in different countries and are from different cultures. However, he has not changed his tune and say he loves me and wants to meet me. It would be easier for me to forget about him. But, so far I've not been able to do this although I've tried.

So, I agree with the op that one should be true to one's feelings and follow one's heart. Then, may be, you will find the one to be with who will make you happy and smile. And, if you believe you feel needy and clingy, I would take the time to work on yourself first and find out the reason for such behavior. As I said, you must take care of yourself first, then when you are in a healthy situation, you can start finding people to complement you and who like you as you.

Online dating apps are not always good because many people on them are players or scammers. It takes some time to learn to sift through such people and find someone who clicks with you. For me, I've still have not met my French man but am optimistic that it will work between us since we are still in contact and have gone through some ups and downs and are still trying to make it work.

"all's fair in love and war."
bpforever1 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
FluffyPuppy
will19
Grand Magnate
 
will19's Avatar
will19 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2012
Posts: 3,612
10 yr Member
1,097 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 22, 2020 at 06:55 PM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I never read the book The Rules, but was taught them by my mom who was a teen and married in the early 50’s. Being a teen in the late 70’s, I thought her rules were ridiculous. Basically they consisted of ideas like; let the man pursue you, don’t be overly easy and available, act like ‘marriage material’. It was not to act disinterested, rather to not act desperate as that turns off a potential partner. Wouldn’t you agree that’s true? At the time, though, I fought it and cringed. I insisted the sexes were equal and there were no rules. But, every time I pursued, I got rejected. I concluded men don’t really want to be pursued. They want to be the hunter. It’s their nature. Ok, everyone go ahead and jump on me here! Lol. So, I did eventually take my mom’s advice and a man did pursue and marry me, and I was very happy with that.

Now, I’m not young and single in this generation. So, I have no idea what the thinking is of today. I rather liked these old school rules because we all knew what to expect. Now, with no one knowing what’s what, is everyone confused?

Being a man, I'd like to make an opinion on this. I had always disliked being the one who has make it happen. I felt like it would be nice to have the woman tell me that she's interested in me, rather than having to read her mind.

I've had women interested in me and, I wouldn't say pursue, but just be forward on letting me know how they felt. I liked that, but there were women like that with me that I was never interested in becoming more than just friends. It was a shock to some of them because they thought that I was interested in them and that I was too shy to express it. I feel like I could express it to a woman when I felt that way.

I would like to have an opportunity to tell a woman how to go about getting a man if I were asked, including the do's and don'ts. I'm probably more of an expert on the don'ts than the do's because of experience. I would tell a woman to let a guy know how she feels if she's interested in him. But also I would encourage her to read more carefully into the guy on how he feels about her so that she wouldn't get hurt. Well, if the guy rejects her, I can just tell her, "that's how it is with guys".
will19 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
FluffyPuppy
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:48 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.