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Default Jan 23, 2020 at 09:56 PM
  #1
I need to lay this sitation out and get feedback to see if what I'm feeling is rational or if I'm just off base, feeling insecure, or trying to control my wife. This situation triggers something for me and I am not sure what to do.

My wife and I were in the car together tonight and she brought up reaching out to a female friend that she's had a brief "connection" with about 6 months ago.

This is someone she'd found online and reached out to for friendship. It happened to be that one of the similar interests, and that was a specific kink within the kink community. It was something my wife and I had started together a couple months ago and involved a role playing of sorts. This woman played a similar role in her marriage as my wife.

So they began communicating and developed a friendship. They texted each other and my wife seemed to be getting really happy with this person. Which, at the time I was excited too for her. They met once and my wife seemed pretty happy and I didn't really think anything beyond being happy for her. My wife had mentioned that she found her attractive a few times which, I didn't think anything of in terms of thinking she wanted more than friendship. I know my wife had dated women in the past.

Well a week or so went by and I began having a bad feeling about it, wondering if I was being naive and there was more going on. So I asked if she had feelings for this woman and she said yes, and asked if she could "at least make out with her." All of this caught me by complete surprise. It's not like we see other people in our marriage or have even talked about that, I maybe wrongly assumed it was unterstood based on where I thought we both stood.

I found out in the conversation that they had talked about being intimate, pictures had been exchanged, but there would never be anything without talking to me first... I was hurt by the situation and caught off guard. I'd expected her to say no about having feelings I guess. After going back and forth I felt like it was best if they just didn't talk anymore. My wife wanted to try to continue a frienship but, I never saw how that could work if there were feelings. They had known each other for about 2-3 weeks total, and already it was like our marriage had been risked and it seemed they were much closer than I felt comfortable with. The other couple is polyamorous and I feel like it was leading to them getting together.

Which brings me to now about 6 months later and this is coming up again. She says she's been wanting to reach out again because they had a connection. It seems like after our conversation about it tonight, she may or may not reach out regardless of how I feel. I still have reservations about it but feel like, maybe I'm not being supportive of her having other friends as she says sometimes. But this is literally the only time I've taken issue.. I've never hinted at mistrust with her and any of her coworkers or female friends.

I feel like as a partner in this marriage I have the right to feel this way. I am just having a lot of doubts right now. I don't feel loved on top of this and this being pushed again, with my feelings just kind of set aside, only confirms this feeling that I have been trying to not pay attention to. That I feel alone in my marriage. Maybe I'm overreacting but I don't think I am.
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Default Jan 24, 2020 at 04:10 AM
  #2
Have you and your wife had threesomes in the past ?

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Default Jan 24, 2020 at 06:35 AM
  #3
You have a right to feel betrayed and hurt.

I think your wife has done something behind your back. She exchanged pics and developed feelings, then decided to tell you and ask you if she could make out with this woman.

How would you feel if this were a male that she claimed to have feelings for? Exchanging pics and texting, and now wanted to reach out to again?

Sounds like your marriage may have some trouble already if you don't feel loved. I don't think it would be controlling HER, I think saying "no" would be in an effort to save your marriage. And it seems like it's in trouble.

The problem here is that she's already kind of strayed and betrayed you. So either you allow this and allow her to have feelings for this woman, or you don't and you tell her that you want it to just be the two of you, if that's what you want. Seems she prefers something more open though? An open marriage of sorts? Is that what you want?

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Last edited by Have Hope; Jan 24, 2020 at 07:13 AM..
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Default Jan 24, 2020 at 07:21 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Have you and your wife had threesomes in the past ?
No we haven't. We've never been with anyone else while married, and I thought we had firm boundaries in place about it. Male or female, it seems the same to me as if it were a male because it's a connection/ intimacy. I've also said I'm not interested in any sort of polygamy or sharing. I've made that clear. She seems to think they can be friends. She wants to go out for drinks and expects nothing to develop beyond friendship. That just seems like I'd be naive going along with it really. Of course feelings would continue to develop. I'm so frustrated by this. I thought we'd moved on.
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Default Jan 24, 2020 at 07:36 AM
  #5
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You have a right to feel betrayed and hurt.

I think your wife has done something behind your back. She exchanged pics and developed feelings, then decided to tell you and ask you if she could make out with this woman.

How would you feel if this were a male that she claimed to have feelings for? Exchanging pics and texting, and now wanted to reach out to again?

Sounds like your marriage may have some trouble already if you don't feel loved. I don't think it would be controlling HER, I think saying "no" would be in an effort to save your marriage. And it seems like it's in trouble.

The problem here is that she's already kind of strayed and betrayed you. So either you allow this and allow her to have feelings for this woman, or you don't and you tell her that you want it to just be the two of you, if that's what you want. Seems she prefers something more open though? An open marriage of sorts? Is that what you want?

Thanks for the reply. I do feel the same as if it was a guy and that there's already been some betrayal. I also, back when she asked me about it 6 mo ago, had to say no over 3 weeks, repeatedly about her trying "friendship" with her. I told her at the time it was harder to say no than just giving in and that, like you said, I was doing it for the good and health of our marriage. I still feel that way. She says she doesn't have some kind of mind eraser where she can just stop thinking about her and that she has been over the last 6 months. I never said that but would assume she was making an effort to let it go. I mean they had known each other for 3 weeks literally.

I told her I'm not doing an open marriage. And she seems to say she doesn't want one either yet pushes this again, as if it will just be friendship. That she needs a life outside of me she says. Which yes that's good but not with the one person you crossed boundaries with. I think the marriage does have problems and this is on top of it all.

Last night I tried talking about it and she just said it's fine, we'll pretend like we never talked about it and went back to watching videos on her phone. Like I just felt pushed aside like I was originally being in the first place. I might just be in denial about the condition of our marriage in general. I feel like if you loved someone you'd make the effort to move on and she'd be apologizing about it and trying to reassure me of her feelings and love for me.

I may look into couples counseling. I started my own therapy after this situation arose and she's done nothing. I thought it was done. I'm so frustrated with this I just want to leave and be alone.
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Default Jan 24, 2020 at 08:50 AM
  #6
Do you guys have kids? I would definitely keep pursuing counseling. It does sound like you both are wanting different things. It’s a lot more fulfilling to be in a relationship where both people share the same values and want the same things and you can have faith and trust in each other.
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Default Jan 24, 2020 at 08:58 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by simplex View Post
I need to lay this sitation out and get feedback to see if what I'm feeling is rational or if I'm just off base, feeling insecure, or trying to control my wife. This situation triggers something for me and I am not sure what to do.

My wife and I were in the car together tonight and she brought up reaching out to a female friend that she's had a brief "connection" with about 6 months ago.

This is someone she'd found online and reached out to for friendship. It happened to be that one of the similar interests, and that was a specific kink within the kink community. It was something my wife and I had started together a couple months ago and involved a role playing of sorts. This woman played a similar role in her marriage as my wife.

So they began communicating and developed a friendship. They texted each other and my wife seemed to be getting really happy with this person. Which, at the time I was excited too for her. They met once and my wife seemed pretty happy and I didn't really think anything beyond being happy for her. My wife had mentioned that she found her attractive a few times which, I didn't think anything of in terms of thinking she wanted more than friendship. I know my wife had dated women in the past.

Well a week or so went by and I began having a bad feeling about it, wondering if I was being naive and there was more going on. So I asked if she had feelings for this woman and she said yes, and asked if she could "at least make out with her." All of this caught me by complete surprise. It's not like we see other people in our marriage or have even talked about that, I maybe wrongly assumed it was unterstood based on where I thought we both stood.

I found out in the conversation that they had talked about being intimate, pictures had been exchanged, but there would never be anything without talking to me first... I was hurt by the situation and caught off guard. I'd expected her to say no about having feelings I guess. After going back and forth I felt like it was best if they just didn't talk anymore. My wife wanted to try to continue a frienship but, I never saw how that could work if there were feelings. They had known each other for about 2-3 weeks total, and already it was like our marriage had been risked and it seemed they were much closer than I felt comfortable with. The other couple is polyamorous and I feel like it was leading to them getting together.

Which brings me to now about 6 months later and this is coming up again. She says she's been wanting to reach out again because they had a connection. It seems like after our conversation about it tonight, she may or may not reach out regardless of how I feel. I still have reservations about it but feel like, maybe I'm not being supportive of her having other friends as she says sometimes. But this is literally the only time I've taken issue.. I've never hinted at mistrust with her and any of her coworkers or female friends.

I feel like as a partner in this marriage I have the right to feel this way. I am just having a lot of doubts right now. I don't feel loved on top of this and this being pushed again, with my feelings just kind of set aside, only confirms this feeling that I have been trying to not pay attention to. That I feel alone in my marriage. Maybe I'm overreacting but I don't think I am.
I'm sorry that you are struggling right now and that you have to go through this. It sounds like she interested in cheating on you. It sounded like she been having an affair with the other girl who really interesting in how you are feeling. You have the right to feel the way you feel. Have you thought about seeing a marriage counselor? Or ask the other person to stay away from your wife and out of your marriage?.
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Default Jan 24, 2020 at 09:00 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
You have a right to feel betrayed and hurt.

I think your wife has done something behind your back. She exchanged pics and developed feelings, then decided to tell you and ask you if she could make out with this woman.

How would you feel if this were a male that she claimed to have feelings for? Exchanging pics and texting, and now wanted to reach out to again?

Sounds like your marriage may have some trouble already if you don't feel loved. I don't think it would be controlling HER, I think saying "no" would be in an effort to save your marriage. And it seems like it's in trouble.

The problem here is that she's already kind of strayed and betrayed you. So either you allow this and allow her to have feelings for this woman, or you don't and you tell her that you want it to just be the two of you, if that's what you want. Seems she prefers something more open though? An open marriage of sorts? Is that what you want?
I agree. It sounds like she been cheating for awhile.
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Default Jan 24, 2020 at 10:18 AM
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I'm sorry that you are struggling right now and that you have to go through this. It sounds like she interested in cheating on you. It sounded like she been having an affair with the other girl who really interesting in how you are feeling. You have the right to feel the way you feel. Have you thought about seeing a marriage counselor? Or ask the other person to stay away from your wife and out of your marriage?.

Thank you it's nice to not feel crazy and blame myself about this situation.

I think you may be correct in the wanting to cheat or be with someone else and getting my approval. I don't believe there has been contact or cheating though. I asked last night if there'd been any contact and she was adamant about no. Really though, I don't know. How would I know? I don't snoop. I feel so dumb right now.

I feel like counseling is the only avenue moving forward or I can't continue in this marriage. Like if these feelings are this strong for this person, I just don't understand. Maybe it's my failure in providing attention/ comfort. I've been saying for weeks/months I want more open and honest communication as I feel we are distant. When I try there's nothing and minimal response to my feelings or my life. If I try with hers it's like, "I'm fine. Work is stressing me out." Back to phone/TV. There's so many walls and it seems like this other person, a stranger, would get the full scoop if I simply said, sure go ahead and go booze it up and have some drinks.

I really don't know. Really feel like I'm going to lose it. Thanks for your replies and advice. Also, someone asked above if there are kids and no there are no kids. We were trying but had two miscarriages. Which I feel like is contributing to all of this. I have tried to be there for her and share the pain/ talk about it but it's like she's seeking to numb that away with fulfillment from someone else. She wants to have a child so badly. This is just all red flags for me.
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Default Jan 24, 2020 at 01:22 PM
  #10
I think she's fooling herself, and she's fooling you by saying she can just be friends with this woman. She's attracted to her, she's developed feelings for her, she's already expressed interest sexually in her, she's exchanged photos with her, and she cannot stop thinking of her after 6 months? One cannot just pull back on an attraction they feel or on feelings they've already developed and just be "friends". Your wife wants to explore further, and is cloaking it under the facade of "just friendship". She's already stepped out of bounds. I don't know what to advise, but if it were me, I'd want to have a serious sit down conversation about what each of us truly wants in the relationship or outside of the relationship and go from there. Therapy may also help you. It sounds like there are definitely other issues going on in the marriage too, so couples therapy may help as well. I'm very sorry you're in this position. I think it's hurtful and I can see you are naturally in pain over it. (((hugs)))

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Default Jan 24, 2020 at 09:42 PM
  #11
You and she are both playing with fire here, in my opinion.

In my experience, any seriously committed person who finds themselves interested in or attracted to another human should cut off all contact with that person--for the good of the primary relationship. That is what a committed person would do, in my view. It is teh adult thing to do.

If she won't do that, then I am not sure what you have in her.

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Default Jan 25, 2020 at 12:30 PM
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You and she are both playing with fire here, in my opinion.

In my experience, any seriously committed person who finds themselves interested in or attracted to another human should cut off all contact with that person--for the good of the primary relationship. That is what a committed person would do, in my view. It is teh adult thing to do.

If she won't do that, then I am not sure what you have in her.
Thanks for your reply, I agree with it. I tried explaining that to her 6 months ago but she pressed and pressed. Still got to the point of her not having any communication with her.

She has not been in contact with this person from my understanding and I don't believe she's lying about it. But she said she's been thinking about her lately, and has been off and on for the past 6 mo. which, again she hasn't reached out to this person. I'm not sure why she would tell me this unless she's guaging my reaction to them becoming friends/ alleviating her own guilt about her thoughts.

She says she "can't control her thoughts." But then, we can control our thoughts... How would anyone get anything done if we couldn't? She says I was angry at her for her thougths but I don't view it that way. I explained if it were me I'd have taken the last 6 months to work on not thinking about that person...

It is playing with fire and I've tried to explain that to her countless times. But again there's been no contact... What do I say, stop thinking about this person? I can't control her thoughts.

The only plan I can think that I can do is to seek marriage counseling
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Default Jan 25, 2020 at 01:41 PM
  #13
She clearly has more than just a friendship interest in this woman. She cannot stop thinking about her; that is a romantic interest. You are being emotionally cheated on, I'm afraid to say, and my apologies for being so honestly blunt. Your wife wants a romance outside of your marriage. Stopping her from contact isn't going to change her desires. She pressed because she wants to have an affair.

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Default Jan 25, 2020 at 02:05 PM
  #14
I know it's really hard because I have been there. What I ultimately had to do was come to the realization that my idea of my partner was not, in fact, who she actually was. Actually, she was a serial cheater. Cheaters cheat. Once I figured this out and accepted reality, it was much easier to un-couple. And yes, I fully agree, emotional cheating is cheating.

Only you can decide if what you have is worth this heartache. If it were me, I would lay down the law. You're either in the relationship full-tilt, or you aren't.

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Default Jan 25, 2020 at 02:06 PM
  #15
The odd man out, and 3rd middle man, does not win this game,
It a loaded gun, kills the dignity and respect for all persons of the situation. My hope for you,
Thru this is internal fortitude, and
Hope.
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Default Jan 25, 2020 at 02:12 PM
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Sounds like she wants open marriage and you don’t. Honestly no amount of therapy could remedy such fundamental difference in understanding of a concept of marriage. I’d bail
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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 09:09 AM
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Only you can decide if what you have is worth this heartache. If it were me, I would lay down the law. You're either in the relationship full-tilt, or you aren't.
This one is a tough one for me and seems to be the root question (open marriage question is included in that). Since I've been working on myself and doing counseling, I've come to the conclusion very recently that I suffer (have for 15+ years) from Borderline Personality Disorder. Which affects a lot of things for me regarding shifting self image, values, sense of self-worth, boudaries etc. Which, affects my ability to answer the question within myself. I think that's why I seek input so often. Honestly if I just listen to myself I get scared because the answer seems to be leave. But then I have the tendency to self-sabbatoge so is this that, and it quickly gets convoluted in my brain. Just being honest.

We spoke again yesterday at length about it. I believe we got to the point of that I'm suppossed to accept she feels this way about the other person, but won't act on it. While I said, work on not thinking about her. I don't know how to put the ultimatum, don't think about her or I'm leaving, as this just seems like it'd have the opposite intended affect. Then again maybe it's as simple as that. I did say that if anything ever happened with her I'd leave, so she knows that.

Thank you for the responses. Going to try and get out of the denial to true acceptance, and continue to look into marriage counseling.
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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 09:45 AM
  #18
I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

Just wanted to offer another way of looking at this. To be honest, I would only go to couples counselling if I wanted to uncouple from the person I was with.

Obviously, not if there's a particular issue, like loss of sex drive, or something...

But in this case, to me, the best chance of bringing your wife to her senses is to leave. Or ask her to. Whichever is most practical.

Apologies for being brutally honest, but your approach of being so understanding (which would be brilliant in other circumstances) is not working. She hasn't stopped thinking about this person. And she's starting to play mind games with you, eg by saying, 'But I can't help what I think.'

Fine. Get lost, then. That's what I'd say...

At the moment, you are trying to solve the problem. She's put you in that position. And it's an impossible problem to solve!

You disappearing from her life might be the shock she needs. It would make her see you in a romantic light again.

Best of luck.
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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 11:47 AM
  #19
Yeah, you're not going to be able to change your wife's thoughts towards this woman, or her desires for an affair of sorts. I don't think couples counseling will do much at this stage unless you wish to part more amicably. I would try to be as honest with yourself as possible: is this what you truly want in a marriage? A wife who wants to be with someone else? A wife who wants a more open marriage so she can do as she pleases? What are you holding onto? The old days? Time to get honest, get clear and see a clear path ahead for yourself. I'm truly sorry this is happening. I'm sure it's very painful. It's never easy ending a relationship, or thinking you may need to end it, especially a marriage that you've committed your life to. I feel for you. I hope you can gain some clarity through this. Hugs.

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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 12:51 PM
  #20
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Thank you it's nice to not feel crazy and blame myself about this situation.

I think you may be correct in the wanting to cheat or be with someone else and getting my approval. I don't believe there has been contact or cheating though. I asked last night if there'd been any contact and she was adamant about no. Really though, I don't know. How would I know? I don't snoop. I feel so dumb right now.

I feel like counseling is the only avenue moving forward or I can't continue in this marriage. Like if these feelings are this strong for this person, I just don't understand. Maybe it's my failure in providing attention/ comfort. I've been saying for weeks/months I want more open and honest communication as I feel we are distant. When I try there's nothing and minimal response to my feelings or my life. If I try with hers it's like, "I'm fine. Work is stressing me out." Back to phone/TV. There's so many walls and it seems like this other person, a stranger, would get the full scoop if I simply said, sure go ahead and go booze it up and have some drinks.

I really don't know. Really feel like I'm going to lose it. Thanks for your replies and advice. Also, someone asked above if there are kids and no there are no kids. We were trying but had two miscarriages. Which I feel like is contributing to all of this. I have tried to be there for her and share the pain/ talk about it but it's like she's seeking to numb that away with fulfillment from someone else. She wants to have a child so badly. This is just all red flags for me.
I had some experience because my siblings all cheat. Have you thought about hiring a private investigator to find out if she cheating on you? What about seeking legal help and asking that this person be ask to stay out of your marriage?
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