Choosing To Work Through Violence

Hi everyone. I am 26 years old, as well as my boyfriend. We've been together since we were 16 years old, and we have lived our lives together since then. My boyfriend has a history of rageful episodes since his childhood, Choosing to stay in this relationship has basically torn me apart and has broken me. Please don't shame me for what I'm about to ask: but, is it okay for me to want to work through these issues? Is it okay for me to want us to each go to therapy separately, then couple's counseling? The obvious thing is to want to leave, and I do. But, I have so many other feelings like wanting to work through things and I feel like I am wrong for that. Am I weak for this?

You aren't weak. But I wonder what you would think of writing down, possibly here, why you might want to stay (and pros and cons), as well as why you might want to leave (and pros and cons).

I think it might also be good to consider how likely each option is to work out the way that you want it to. Will this rageful person actually be willing to go therapy and to stick with it--for however long it takes (like, as is quite likely, years)? How can you tell, and why hasn't that happened before now? How will he treat you in the meantime?

Do you go to therapy now?

Do you have a safety plan in place in case you need to leave at once?

What are his good solid qualities ?

What would you tell a friend to do if they were in your situation?

Since he's been violent for 8 years, just be aware of what's ahead of you: change is highly unlikely, and IF he chooses he change, it's going to be a long and bumpy road ahead - years ahead of this. Do you really want that for yourself? Have you read any case studies of violent men changing their ways after therapy? Is he even willing to go to therapy? I would think the best solution, if you really wanted this to work, is to separate, tell him that he must attend anger management classes and couples therapy and admit his problems, give it a year and see if you see any changes.

I am certainly no violence expert, as I do not have a violent atom in my being. That said, I agree with the wise posters above that this project would likely be open-ended, which I am skeptical he would accept, based on past behavior.

The best predictor of the future is the past.

Un-coupling is never easy. It is frightening, made more so for you by the fact that you have been with this person since you were essentially a child. That is tough stuff.

I wish you all the best. Make those lists. See what you come up with. Maybe that will give you some guidance.

I think YOU need to see a Therapist and uncover why you are accepting his abuse. Abuse of any kind is NEVER okay.

You deserve better you just don’t realize it yet, you need help to sort all this out.

Stay safe and don’t become his punching bag

We teach people how to treat us based on what we allow to become habit. There are many behaviors that have been allowed to become habit in the past 8 years. What responsibility are you willing to take with regards to behaviors that perhaps you did not confront or challenge (that ultimately hurt you and broke you down psychologically).

You canÂ’t change his abusive nature. He ya to want to change it, and so far, he hasnÂ’t had any reason (in the past 8 years) to change. What you have 100% control of changing though is how you respond to his abuse. Wanting to save and work on the relationship is not giving him a strong enough sign that you are fed up with his mistreatments. Forgiving him or refusing to speak up and draw boundaries, does not show him that what he is doing is against your rights and dignity as a human being.

I hope you find the strength to listen to your inner voice and follow its lead. 8 years of emotional manipulation and tearing someone down does for sure deplete any will power to stand strong and perhaps leave. But as long as you are alive, you have a chance for a new start. You may have to leave him but you gain yourself all over again and you get to relearn who you are and what value you have within.

Stay blessed and stay safe!