adult son's girlfriend is toxic

i'll try to be as brief as possible. my son, 30, has been dating a girl, 34, for over 10 years now. they have a soon to be 2 daughter, my granddaughter ❤️. she also has a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship. their relationship has been volatile from the start.

"jane" is a chronic liar, had been arrested for possession/distribution of pills (and is now a convicted felon), in and out of jail for a year and 1/2 for failing drug tests or not showing up for her court dates, also has been arrested numerous other times on a variety of charges throughout their relationship, the most recent a few days ago for fighting outside the bar she works.

i thought she would've changed after the baby was born, but if anything, she's worse. she will disappear for hours (on one occasion days, after an argument with my son) on end, or, if she's working 'til closing at the bar (she tends bar), sometimes doesn't come home until the following morning barely in enough time for him to go to work.

the latest incident was last night. she called and asked me to watch my granddaughter so she could fill in last minute at the bar. i agreed. when my son came to pick my granddaughter up a couple hours (he was at work) he asked where "jane" was, i told him working, he said she wasn't. he drove past the bar and her car wasn't there. he tried calling, texting her with no answer. me too. i offered to watch my granddaughter in the morning if jane didn't show up in time for him to go to work.

well, she must've came home eventually because he never called me and he hasn't responded to my text asking.

she also picks arguments giving her an out to leave. i think she's cheating, amongst other things because the signs all point to it. there is so much more to this saga, but i won't get into it now.

bottom line: i am a wreck over all of this. my new year was starting off pretty good but now i'm a basket case. i'm worried about my son. i'm worried about my granddaughter. they both deserve so much more. i know this person is not going to change and she will continue to bring stress into my son's life as long as she's around. and she's not the type to go quietly even if he were to draw up the strength to end it with her. thanks for reading. if anyone has had or is a part of a situation similar to this, i would love to hear from you.

I wish I had some insight into the distressing situation you describe, but unfortunately I am at a loss.

Do you think it might help if you contacted a psychologist for advice on how to deal with this unhappy situation?

Sorry I don't have anything helpful to offer. My heart goes out to you.

Have you sat down with your son to have a heart to heart about all your concerns for him? Unforuntely, it's his choice, but you can at least talk to him, open up a conversation and see how he responds and how he feels about his girlfriend. Maybe you can help open his eyes to all that you see that is so toxic?

In your opinion are the two girls receiving adequate care from their parents?

thank you for your kind words

Yes we have discussed this situation many times for many years. He's angry he's hurt but for some reason he's not ready to let go.
I don't know what it would take to get him to leave, because in my eyes she has shown him the worst of the worst and he still sticking around.
it's very disheartening and discouraging to me

In my opinion my son tries as best as he knows how but as far as his girlfriend is concerned no I don't not.
with her partying, staying out all night and bringing her daughter around toxic people, my heart breaks for my granddaughter

What does your son think of her?

He has said he loves her in the past but recently he's been more angry and disgusted with her and her behavior

As a parent, it's distressing and frustrating because really what you've done is all you can do. You can advise and encourage him to leave or do something about it, but in the end it's his decision. It's hard because you just cannot control the situation and make something happen even if you are indeed right and know what would be best. I suggest shielding yourself from this and learning to cope with the idea that your son is with someone you believe is a cheater.

Your son must get something out of this relationship to still be in it. I would back off and let him handle it as he is an adult. It sounds like you really need to take care of yourself at this point. (not easy but...).

When things go south with her does he come running to you?

There comes a point where you have to just state your feelings and thoughts about it and Stop .. don’t bring it up again.

If he comes to you complaining you can listen sure or you can change the subject.

It’s all on him to either accept his life with her or decide he has had enough and end it. Maybe he needs to have primary custody of his daughter.

I'm sorry you're so discouraged. Your feelings are perfectly understandable and justified.

Unfortunately, there's only so much you can say and do. If you've discussed it many times, yet he continues to hold on, it's his choice, and his life.

This is where a mother needs to learn to let go and allow their child to live their own mistakes.

It's MOST painful to watch and to experience, but it is his mistake to continue accepting this toxic behavior from her, and he will have to learn the lesson himself, until he's finally had enough.

Only by making mistakes ourselves -- and living with that mistake -- do we truly learn and grow.

If he were to want to marry her, then I'd say it's your place and your right to speak up again and to speak your mind again. Hopefully, that would never happen, but right now it's probably best to sit back and just accept it for what it is.

Hopefully one day he will see the light and will let go. That's all you can do at this point is hope.

Hugs to you.

You asked about others here who have had similar experiences. I just had my son, who was an ideal kid, go estranged due to friction between me and my husband and him and his new wife. It wasn’t about drugs or cheating. It was about individuation ‘on steroids’. That’s the only sense I can make of it.

Since you love your son and grandchildren, my advice to you is to tread lightly and be careful. The most important thing is that you have influence on those kids by getting to spend time with them. Be there for support. I’m sure your son knows how you feel about his toxic relationship. I’m sure he feels the same. It’ll play out however it will.

*whew* you're post brought me relief. relief that i am, realistically, doing all i can do. it is exactly what i was thinking and exactly what i am conditioning myself, daily, to do.

the heartbreak, distress and frustration are still there, probably always will be unless he gains the strength and courage to leave her, but it is a bit easier for me to breath with the fact of knowing it is, in all honesty, out of my hands.

in talking with him, he still sees good in her. and i know, having dealt with a cheater for the majority of my marriage, those are the things we dwell on to survive the days. one day of happiness overrides weeks of misery. so sad to see my son slipping into the same situation (worse, actually, my ex wasn't involved in shady practices) as i had endured for 20+ years.

i will continue daily to remove myself mentally from the situation, but continue to be available and love ,unconditionally, my son and granddaughter.

thank you for your kind words.

like i posted in another reply, my son does see good in her. and those brief times of happiness override weeks of pain.

you're exactly right with me working on me. dwelling too much on this, like i have, literally drains the life out of me. and this is obviously a situation i cannot control.

i am practicing letting go daily.

thank you.

the majority of the times, yes. and as selfish as this may sound, at times i wish he wouldn't. but i will always continue to be there for him to listen and help as best i can.

that is exactly what i am doing now, letting it go. i haven't talked to him since this past sunday when all hit the fan, except to touch base monday morn making sure he was ok.

i will always be available for him, and have made him aware that i feel he has 2 choices, stay and live like this for the remainder of his time with her, or leave.

if it comes down to that, i think he has a very good case of gaining full custody of his daughter. but he is no where near that point, yet.

thank you.

first of all, thank you for your kind words.

as far as marriage goes, it's funny you brought that up. with all that she is up to, with all of the grief she brings to him, with all of the NOT spending quality time with him and disappearing for hours/days, she STILL complains that they are not married yet and cannot understand why (according to what my son just told me the other night)

he never has wanted to, and from what he says, never will marry her. i have heard this from him many, many, times. makes a person wonder then, exactly why is he staying? he did make a comment that he was afraid that if she ever did leave, she would not let him see his daughter. "because that is the type of person she is" is what he said. that is when i told him i didn't think he would have any problem gaining custody considering her troubled background.