Please help need advice

This is long, sorry!

I (38)have been together with my boyfriend (38) for 11 years. I lost my job and had to look for a new one, after a year of searching I finally found one but in the capital 3 hours away by car.

we decided he would follow me. Shortly after I moved he got a promotion. I was happy and foolishly told him he doesn't need to move immediately, he could stay for a year to get more experience so he could get the same type of work after moving.

We grew apart, then we were on a break according to me, but he understood it as a break up. Many months later I tell him I want to try again, he is unsure and keeps me waiting and hoping for his decision for many months, finally he told he had met someone but it was not serious. I was a mess and took it upon me to try to fix all past problems, I even offered to move back. He eventually said yes and that he had broke it off with the girl he was seeing.

Shortly after I had a very violent trauma in my life, violent loss of brother,I became suicidal and had high anxiety and had to have sick leave. Yet I was really trying to work hard on the relation, to smile, to always be interested in him, supportive, etc., but he was cold, distant, and often got snappy with me. I spent most of that time at his place.

He got somewhat better after a year, then I found out from the girl he had supposedly broken up with that he was still seeing her.

I confronted him, He told me he was trying to break up with her but she wouldn't have it, crying hysterically, he didn't know how to handle the situation. He also had told her that he had gotten back with me still as things were not really over between them, so he felt he hadn't been fair to her, and that he was with her when I sort of insisted we could try again. So she was actually the victim. But that he wanted to be with me, he loved me, yet he understood that maybe I wouldn't want that now.

I truly believe he has a very hard time breaking up with someone. His plan was to drag it out and hope the other person would get tired.

We had a long talk, then we decided we would try to overcome this. He stopped having contact with her.

went back to his city and spent many more months there, but visit my place at the capital every now and then for a short time. But now the problem is I When I try to explain it would be easier if he moved he always gets angry, telling me different non convincing reasons. Recently he said his job was more important because he was working for an international organization while I am not. and that would give us possibility to move abroad.

I told him that with his background it is much easier for him to find a job than me, and he admitted, and in the bigger capial where I am there are many more possibilities than the small city he is in, my bigger city is the capital so there is no shortage of international companies and headquarters and high management/sales positions. In addition I am still in a difficult position with PTSD, anxiety, depression, and horrible guilt and regret. I need my close friends especially since I don't have a family so my friends are my family, and they live in the capital not his city.

I also need to continue see my therapist who have been a lifeline, and my therapist is at the capital and I can't imaging start all over with a new one and going over the traumatic experience I had from the start. Also my work knows about the trauma and have been understanding and patient and willing to accept my long sick leave as well as me starting slowly part time. A new company would not be so understanding, and I would have to work 100% immediately and convince them why I am better than all other applicants and act positive and curious and very engaged, to prove I am worthy of a long term contract. Mentally I am just really nowhere near that strong. I also told him that during the hardest period of my life that I do not wish on any human being, he was cold with me and busy taking romantic trips with his other girlfriend. If he was truly sorry, how about moving to the capital where I have my job and friends and where he probably would even find better opportunities?

No. He made it very clear he won't budge.

I literally get an even worse depression in his town. Feel out of place and so alone.

He keeps telling me I had promised I could move, and all what happened since then which make it so much harder, doesn't make him budge.

I would really appreciate some inputs from outside. Am I being unreasonable? Is he being unreasonable?

TL;DR : had promised my long distance boyfriend I’d move to his town, after a traumatic loss of my lbrother leaving me with PTSD, depression, anxiety , needing my supportive friends in my town, and mentally unable to work full time, which would be required if I am to work in his town, as well as finding out he was unfaithful with his ex in the worst year of my life and was cold and even rude with me, he always gets angry when I tell him it’s easier if he moves to me and insists it’s his way or no way. Am I, or him, unreasonable? Opinion/advice?

Thanks

Your situation sounds so stressful. What does your current therapist recommend?

Thanks for reading!
My therapist says she doesn't recommend taking on a new job currently, she says I should go back to my old job and start part time then gradually increase it, and then when I have been working 100% for at least 6 months I could start looking at other jobs.
That is from the work perspective of things at least.

Hello Najwa: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. Since you mentioned the loss of your brother, the Grief & Loss forum here on PC may also be of interest to you. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/grief-and-loss/

I don't know as there is a lot I can offer with regard to your concern. I guess the one thing I think I can say is that in every romantic relationship there are compromises that have to be made. And, from what you wrote, it sounds as though there's too little of it in your relationship with this man. It sounds like he just wants everything his way. (Oh, & by the way, I'm not convinced he couldn't break up with this other girl he's been seeing if he genuinely wanted to. That sounds more like an excuse to me.)

Anyway, I don't know who's right & who's wrong in this situation. Perhaps there are pluses & minuses to both points of view. But what does occur to me is that this may simply not be a relationship you'd be well advised to sacrifice for. There just doesn't seem to be a firm foundation for any kind of lasting commitment. Here are links to 5 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of help with putting this situation into perspective:

9 Steps to Better Communication Today

21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

11 Warning Signs of Emotional Abuse in Relationships

5 Warning Signs of Manipulation in Relationships

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-ways...dium=popular17

And then here's a link to a listing of articles, also from PC's archives, on the subject of coping with grief & loss:

https://psychcentral.com/grief/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I completely understand how you feel. That what my ex-boyfriend did to me back in 2004. I'm sorry that he treated you like this.

I would pursue what YOU need the most, above and beyond this romantic relationship. Consider your own needs first and foremost, and the relationship second.

I personally would have broken up with him the moment I found out he had lied to me, dating two of us at the same time.

Why give up so much of yourself and your whole life for a liar and a cheater??

On top of that, he mistreated you during a most horrible time in your life? When you lost your brother? What a jerk!!!

This guy is NOT worth ALL of this trouble. You are putting him far too much on a pedestal and he does not belong there. Go your own way, and dump him.

11 years and this "relationship" is going nowhere. It's also 11 years of your life wasted and he is not going to move forward with you. Cut it off and create a new life for yourself without him.

Your health is the most important thing.

Therefore move to the capital and end things with this guy who lies and cheats.

AMEN !!! The perfect answer.......

((((Najwa1)))), welcome to psych central. First of all I want to express my deep sympathy for the loss of your brother. A tragic loss can take a lot of time to heal from and it can change the way we look at life and our sense of safety. A person doesn't JUST get over a tragic loss like that either. Actually, it isn't even a question of getting over it, instead it's learning to live and carry on with our lives despite of experiencing such a loss like that.

What stands out to me about the relationship you have described is how this boyfriend you have been with for so many years tends to be selfish about his priorities. How he puts his own needs above yours and can be so cold when you needed love and compassion. You tend to think about HIS needs and he doesn't really think about YOUR needs. The fact that he continued to see this other woman for so long and hid it from you is proof of his selfishness. Not only towards you but this other woman as well. Because you care, you tend to think of this as him not wanting to hurt her, yet, that's YOU and not him.

I think what you need help with is seeing his TRUE nature. By seeing the reality of who he really is you can finally move on with your life. You need to be with others that care about you, and if that means moving back to where these people are and the job that you have that respects your needs to grieve and slowly get your life back, then that is where you should be. It's very hard right now because of how you just lost your brother. To walk away would mean another loss to you. However, these losses are very different and what you need the most is to be with others who care about you. You are not really losing anything if you are with someone who can't provide the kind of caring you need and deserve. And I think it's possible that you wanted to be with someone you thought could love you as you were grieving. That's not what this boyfriend is for you, instead he is cold and selfish. You deserve better and that is what you need help with seeing so you can do what's right for YOU.

Continuosly blue: Thank you for your time, advise and the links! It really means a lot to me in this time!

Thanks for reading and the comment, may I ask what happened in your situation and how you dealt with it? You could send me a privte message if you would like, if you feel like it ofcourse

Thank you for the encouraging words! It means a lot to me to hear other people's opinions right now

Thanks for putting it in this perspective. It hurt's, but it's true. It also kind of makes it even harder after all this time invested, I always hope I can salvage those years, this relationship..But I know there is a fear of loosing even more precious time. Thanks for your words!

It feels good to read other peoples feedback on this. I have been almost going a bit nuts, he stands so firmly and easily firm and is so confident, I of course doubt and question my self in the state I am.
It's also hard because I am a 38 year old woman with no children, but I want to have children. I guess now, especially if I will be single, I might never have any (in time).
Anyways, thank you Bill for your words.