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questionable1987
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Default Feb 03, 2020 at 02:48 AM
  #1
I have gotten Myself in a very odd situation.
I'm 32, divorced with two kids.
I had been in a relationship with this man for almost the past 2 years. I love this man. We have been through a lot together. We lived together, had a life together. He is now 50. Yes I know there is a 17 year age gap. But I left Him 8-10 months ago. He broke my heart over now something that was stupid at the time. But never the less, it has hurt me and broke me. Let's call Him Mr. X
Well I started seeing another man (let's call Him Mr. Perfect) when I broke up with my last boyfriend, Mr. X. He is closer to my age, He's 38 almost 39 and I wanted to see what else was out there. He is a really good man, honestly I feel like too good of a man for me. We've been seeing each other for the past 4 months.

My problem- I don't know what to do! I am not "with" either man. But I see them both and feel as if I need to choose 1 and leave the other 1 alone. I do have commitment issues. I use to not want to get married again. BUT I have decided that which ever 1 I pick if they require to get married, I could warm up to the idea. Later on in life.
Well I broke up Mr.X but I still love Him, not like I did, but there is still love there. I still see Him, We talk or text daily. I see Him a few times a week. We still hug, We are still friends. He knows He hurt me and it has messed up my mind. He wants to fix things and us get back together and continue our lives together. He wants to get married and live happily ever after. He does NOT know about Mr. Perfect. I don't see the point in telling Him and hurting Him if I do decide to pick Him.
I don't want to hurt either 1. But 1 is going to be hurt. I know!

Well Mr. Perfect knows about Mr.X. I have not lied about My past to Him. He knows that I see him, text him and that we talk. In case it did work out I didn't want to lie. He is jealous of Mr. X. He know's He's an ex and He knows I still care about Him. I guess it's a man thing to be territorial.
I haven't told Mr. X about Mr. Perfect because I wanted to see what else was out there. Just to satisfy my curiosity so if We did fix things and get back together I wouldn't wonder. I figured I would find another guy to go out with and He would be a waste of the hour or two of my time and I'd satisfy my curiosity and that would be the end of that. Well it has turned out that I have found another decent guy out there but I don't know which one I should pick!!!

They both are great guys and I like different things about each one.
Pro's and Con's of each one was difficult to do. But I've done it. It didn't really help me. I've talked to my oldest child about it because my smallest is to little to understand. My oldest picks Mr. Perfect. My parents have met them both and don't like Mr. X because of our age difference. So they are all about me giving Mr Perfect a shot. My best friend says I should give Mr. X another shot because of how good we were together in the past. My Mom tells me to follow My heart. Which I can't honestly do, because I don't "love" Mr. Perfect, because My guard is up and I don't see the point in getting that close to Him if it's not going to last.
I don't know which one I should choose. I've talked to a therapist and that was a waste of time and money. So I got to googling and came across this forum and thought I'd post my problem and see if I could get some help from real people that maybe have been in this same situation.
Thanks for reading and any positive advice would be appreciated.
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Default Feb 03, 2020 at 02:06 PM
  #2
Somebody read this and give me some advice....please!
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Smile Feb 03, 2020 at 04:40 PM
  #3
Hello questionable: I know you're looking for advice preferably from PC members who've been in similar circumstances. And that's not me. (I'm just an old man.) However this appears to have been your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

You asked which one of the two men you're involved with you should choose. I guess perhaps I'm from the old school. But I don't think you can "engineer" relationships the way you seem to want to. My thinking on this would be to be open & honest with both men about your relationships & simply see where it all leads... if anywhere. Perhaps one of them will leave you anyway, which will make up your mind for you (better before you marry them than afterward.) Perhaps both of them will turn tail & run. Well... you said you weren't necessarily wanting to marry again anyway. And, there again, better to have them disappear now than to get married & then have them take off. Or, perhaps, having everything open & above board will result in you gradually seeing a pathway forward. Will it be the right one? There's never any way to know for sure when it comes to relationships. One just has to do the best one can & see where things go. But at least it will all have been done openly & honestly... no secrets.

My personal prejudice is that "the truth will out" one way or another, as the saying goes. If you continue on down the path you're treading now, my thinking is it is likely to blow up in your face sooner or later. I'm quite certain that's not what you wanted to hear. But that's my perspective regarding what you wrote. Perhaps other PC members will have other thoughts. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Feb 03, 2020 at 06:13 PM
  #4
I was in a similar situation in my 20's. I picked one, the ex, and it didn't work out. It didn't work out with either one. Maybe neither one is right for you if you're straddling both and cannot fully decide. If you were so into Mr X, you would still be with him. And if you were so into Mr perfect, you wouldn't be thinking about Mr X. It also sounds like Mr X hurt you and your feelings aren't exactly the same as they once were. How can one eventually get married with lesser feelings ? I almost think you should break it off with both of them.

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Default Feb 03, 2020 at 06:25 PM
  #5
I can only endorse the wise advice of Skeezyks.

I would add though that my advice is to not discuss this any further with your child.
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Default Feb 03, 2020 at 07:12 PM
  #6
I also agree with Skeezyks (and the other posts)

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Default Feb 03, 2020 at 07:59 PM
  #7
I am seeing this from the other side. I wouldn't want to be "picked" by you.

I would be heartbroken if I found out (perhaps from my stepchildren) how their parent "picked" me. Not from their heart, but by other's opinions - even a poll no less.

My heart is not a toy for anyone to play with.
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Default Feb 04, 2020 at 07:34 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by RockyRoad007 View Post
I am seeing this from the other side. I wouldn't want to be "picked" by you.

I would be heartbroken if I found out (perhaps from my stepchildren) how their parent "picked" me. Not from their heart, but by other's opinions - even a poll no less.

My heart is not a toy for anyone to play with.
That's a very good point you make. I wouldn't want to be picked through a poll on a forum either.

I think the OP needs to be single or move on to other potential partners, as I stated above. I don't think either is right.

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Default Feb 08, 2020 at 02:55 AM
  #9
I think you should stop seeing both of them.. clear your head , get busy with your life. It’s really not fair to either one.

Given a bit of time I think you will clearly see whom is best for you and your children. As mentioned please don’t ask your children their opinion unless they are grown adults

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Default Feb 16, 2020 at 01:46 AM
  #10
I agree 100% with all the above.. I find it bothersome that you discussed this "perfect" with kids, brought him around family ect.. am i the only one who feels like you are just with him to get the "X" jealous?? You seem to want to keep a standby around.. yet cant make up your mind...I think it wouldnt be a bad idea at all to just spend some time alone and with your kids instead of all this time and effort in this ping pong game.. which you dont seem even serious about... Stop leading this guy on... lets be fair thats pretty much whats happening here....
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Default Feb 16, 2020 at 08:13 PM
  #11
1. It’s a bad idea to burden young children with your romantic dilemmas. It’s not your kid’s job to figure out who you should date. Please don’t do this is to your kids, it’s not healthy

2. If you even have to ask if you should be wuth a man, the answer is NO. When you meet Mr. Right, you won’t have to ask if he is right for you

3. Picking up potential partners by anonymous polls on online forums, making your kids creating pro and con lists and interviewing your mother arent the best dating strategies

4. Seek therapy and refrain from dating for the time being
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Default Feb 19, 2020 at 04:09 AM
  #12
Hey @questionable1987
Quote:
Originally Posted by questionable1987 View Post
Well I broke up Mr.X but I still love Him, not like I did, but there is still love there. I still see Him, We talk or text daily. I see Him a few times a week. We still hug, We are still friends. He knows He hurt me and it has messed up my mind. He wants to fix things and us get back together and continue our lives together. He wants to get married and live happily ever after. He does NOT know about Mr. Perfect. I don't see the point in telling Him and hurting Him if I do decide to pick Him.
So basically, if you "picked" Mr X you would be continuing the deception by not telling me he was up against another "contender"? I do not see how a lie by omission would set the stage for an honest continued relationship.
Quote:
I don't want to hurt either 1. But 1 is going to be hurt. I know!

Well Mr. Perfect knows about Mr.X. I have not lied about My past to Him. He knows that I see him, text him and that we talk. In case it did work out I didn't want to lie. He is jealous of Mr. X. He know's He's an ex and He knows I still care about Him. I guess it's a man thing to be territorial.
I do not think its a 'man' thing. I think its a 'committed partner thing' to wan the person you are seriously dating to stop talking, texting and seeing their Ex.
Quote:
I haven't told Mr. X about Mr. Perfect because I wanted to see what else was out there. Just to satisfy my curiosity so if We did fix things and get back together I wouldn't wonder.
Based on this, I am not sure if you should be with either one. No one should be the second choice. No one should be in the role of " satisfying" someone's curiousity. Would you like to be in either role?
Quote:
They both are great guys and I like different things about each one.
Pro's and Con's of each one was difficult to do. But I've done it. It didn't really help me. I've talked to my oldest child about it because my smallest is to little to understand. My oldest picks Mr. Perfect.
How old is this child? Actually it doesnt matter if they are 10 or 17. Kids should not have the burden of helping their mother choose which man to stay with. What if your child told you to stay with one and it failed or got ugly? Imagine the guilt the child would feel?
Quote:
My parents have met them both and don't like Mr. X because of our age difference. So they are all about me giving Mr Perfect a shot. My best friend says I should give Mr. X another shot because of how good we were together in the past. My Mom tells me to follow My heart. Which I can't honestly do, because I don't "love" Mr. Perfect, because My guard is up and I don't see the point in getting that close to Him if it's not going to last.
If you dont love Mr perfect and you dont know about Mr x then neither needs to be a choice. Imagine if Mr perfect knew you didnt love him but were agonizing over choosing which person to be with. And getting your friends and family involved is way too many people in your business.
Quote:
I don't know which one I should choose. I've talked to a therapist and that was a waste of time and money. So I got to googling and came across this forum and thought I'd post my problem and see if I could get some help from real people that maybe have been in this same situation.
Thanks for reading and any positive advice would be appreciated.
I can appreciate how you want positive advice so I hope my realism isnt upsetting you. I am just trying to share my concerns about the situation.

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Default Feb 25, 2020 at 05:42 AM
  #13
It sounds like you aren’t ready to be in a relationship at all. The logical thing to do in my opinion would be to take some tome out by yourself and let your heart settle, as this isn’t fair on either of them
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