Boyfriend of over a year wants to move in w/ female coworker

bruhbruhbruhbruhbr · Feb 05, 2020 at 10:49 AM

There's a lot of detail to this so ill just list in bullets

He’s known the coworker for ⅘ months
Finds her unattractive (she is)
Would sleep in the same room/floor (open concept)
Has been at her house till 4 in the morning
Doesn’t get why this would upset me and tried to change my mind
Because of our schedules, we can’t see each other over 2 times a week, one of the days being Saturday, which we usually spend all day together. He just informed me he’s spending it w/ her drinking bc she isn’t available another day and told me “what’s one day?” when I explained why that hurt (discussed and resolved this the day before this situation arose)
Turned his location off after our discussion
Her body language is very towards him
She’s single and very shy, has very few friends. He’s very attractive (told so often)
She is nice to me
He’s a recovering addict and she would help him access drugs
He gets along better with females and has many female friends
He is very loving towards me and is not a flirtatious person
She is low on money, but because she willingly stepped down from being a manager and took a pay cut because of stress
I fear emotional cheating more so (e.i. Seeking emotional support from her more than me) as well as her passivity inviting more chances for him to relapse
Not sure he can afford to move out

Please ask if you need a clarification question!

IceCreamKid · Feb 05, 2020 at 02:40 PM

Not sure what you are looking for here? If you want to know how this looks to an outsider--it looks to me like your boyfriend wants to move on without telling you that he wants to move on. I'd let him move on, permanently. You deserve better.

Open Eyes · Feb 05, 2020 at 03:19 PM

Quote:

He’s a recovering addict and she would help him access drugs

This is what he is doing, they are both addicts and his connection with her is in "getting high". You can't even fix this, this is something HE has to change and he is showing he STILL wants to use drugs and escape and she wants that too.

When in a relationship with an addict, whether the person is engaging the addiction or engaging in staying clean and sober, THAT challenge is ALWAYS a precedent in the relationship.

I do not recommend someone having a relationship with someone with this problem. It can get LONELY. The only time it works better is if both individuals are living their lives working on staying sober as then it becomes something they do together.

Open Eyes · Feb 05, 2020 at 05:23 PM

Quote:

. He just informed me he’s spending it w/ her drinking bc she isn’t available another day and told me “what’s one day?” when I explained why that hurt

This is common when it comes to addiction issues. The individual may BINGE thinking only day is not bad. However, that gradually increases and it's two days or three days. Meanwhile YOU become less and less important because the addiction issue is more important.

Bill3 · Feb 05, 2020 at 05:56 PM

I'm unclear on the resolution of his plan to drink with her on 50% of the days he spends with you. Is he going ahead with that? Or is he not going ahead with that, but moving in with her instead? Or both?

It troubles me greatly that he could say "what's one day?".

It troubles me greatly that he turned off his location right after that discussion.

I agree with the replies above.

Have Hope · Feb 05, 2020 at 06:07 PM

He’s a recovering addict and she would help him access drugs
He just informed me he’s spending it w/ her drinking bc she isn’t available another day
Turned his location off after our discussion

So he's going to hang out with her one night per week to drink with her OR to access drugs and do drugs with her?

What does it me to "turn off location"?

Sounds to me like he's placing his addiction above you, which will ALWAYS be the case.

Sounds like a no-win situation for you, sadly. I would think twice about moving forward in any kind of relationship that prioritizes drugs and a roommate over seeing me.

divine1966 · Feb 05, 2020 at 06:51 PM

Where is he living now?

mote.of.soul · Feb 07, 2020 at 09:19 PM

Well, unless you know for a certainty that something dodgy might be happening between the two of them, there's really not a lot you can do. Now, if what he's doing is something you don't mind in a person that's fine, but if it's not, then, you may need to take further steps.

Crazy Hitch · Feb 09, 2020 at 02:31 AM

Oh hell no this would not be acceptable to me at all!

Buffy01 · Feb 09, 2020 at 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bruhbruhbruhbruhbr

There's a lot of detail to this so ill just list in bullets

He’s known the coworker for ⅘ months
Finds her unattractive (she is)
Would sleep in the same room/floor (open concept)
Has been at her house till 4 in the morning
Doesn’t get why this would upset me and tried to change my mind
Because of our schedules, we can’t see each other over 2 times a week, one of the days being Saturday, which we usually spend all day together. He just informed me he’s spending it w/ her drinking bc she isn’t available another day and told me “what’s one day?” when I explained why that hurt (discussed and resolved this the day before this situation arose)
Turned his location off after our discussion
Her body language is very towards him
She’s single and very shy, has very few friends. He’s very attractive (told so often)
She is nice to me
He’s a recovering addict and she would help him access drugs
He gets along better with females and has many female friends
He is very loving towards me and is not a flirtatious person
She is low on money, but because she willingly stepped down from being a manager and took a pay cut because of stress
I fear emotional cheating more so (e.i. Seeking emotional support from her more than me) as well as her passivity inviting more chances for him to relapse
Not sure he can afford to move out

Please ask if you need a clarification question!

I would dump this guy because he is cheating on you and I would file a complaint against her at her job for sexual harassment and buying drugs for your boyfriend.

~Christina · Feb 10, 2020 at 01:26 AM

I would end the relationship right now.

sarahsweets · Feb 13, 2020 at 09:41 AM

Hey @bruhbruhbruhbruhbr I thought I would address your points one by one if thats ok...
[QUOTE=bruhbruhbruhbruhbr;6762369]There's a lot of detail to this so ill just list in bullets

He’s known the coworker for ⅘ months
Finds her unattractive (she is) Has he said this, or is it your opinion?
Would sleep in the same room/floor (open concept) I dont think I understand what you mean
Has been at her house till 4 in the morning Doing what? What has he told you he is doing?
Doesn’t get why this would upset me and tried to change my mind RED FLAG # 1
Because of our schedules, we can’t see each other over 2 times a week, one of the days being Saturday, which we usually spend all day together. He just informed me he’s spending it w/ her drinking bc she isn’t available another day and told me “what’s one day?” when I explained why that hurt (discussed and resolved this the day before this situation arose) I do not know a single addict who can drink and not do drugs. In fact if he participates in the traditional ideas about sobriety he is not sober.
Turned his location off after our discussion RED FLAG # 2
Her body language is very towards him Do you mean flirting?
She’s single and very shy, has very few friends. He’s very attractive (told so often) RED FLAG # 3
She is nice to me What do you mean?
He’s a recovering addict and she would help him access drugs Is she an addict too? There is no way you belong in a relationship with an addict choosing to be around another addict who will get drugs for them. RED FLAG # 4
He gets along better with females and has many female friends RED FLAG # 5
He is very loving towards me and is not a flirtatious person Well are you sure about that?
She is low on money, but because she willingly stepped down from being a manager and took a pay cut because of stress So she will be charging him rent then?
I fear emotional cheating more so (e.i. Seeking emotional support from her more than me) as well as her passivity inviting more chances for him to relapse I would fear actual cheating. And there is nothing passive about increasing or inviting the chances for drugs, its absolutely deliberate.
Not sure he can afford to move out

If you are not sure and he is not sure than the answer is he cant.

feb2020user · Feb 13, 2020 at 07:57 PM

I agree with everyone here. Dump him. If he wants to live with her, then she can take care of him. I was going to say that when I read the title of the forum, and after reading your contents it's pretty clear that he's not somebody you want to have a committed relationship with. While I normally try to avoid taking sides when I only have one person's part of the story, this one is fairly clear-cut.

You can do better than him. Find somebody that takes the relationship as seriously as you do.

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IceCreamKid Grand Magnate Member Since Jan 2011 Location: Australia Posts: 3,260 13 306 hugs given	Feb 05, 2020 at 02:40 PM #2 Not sure what you are looking for here? If you want to know how this looks to an outsider--it looks to me like your boyfriend wants to move on without telling you that he wants to move on. I'd let him move on, permanently. You deserve better.
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,375 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Feb 05, 2020 at 06:51 PM #7 Where is he living now?
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mote.of.soul Legendary Member Since Jan 2018 Location: New Zealand Posts: 13,126 (SuperPoster!) 6 21.9k hugs given	Feb 07, 2020 at 09:19 PM #8 Well, unless you know for a certainty that something dodgy might be happening between the two of them, there's really not a lot you can do. Now, if what he's doing is something you don't mind in a person that's fine, but if it's not, then, you may need to take further steps.
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Crazy Hitch ɘvlovƎ Member Since Nov 2013 Location: Australia Posts: 18,569 (SuperPoster!) 10 12.6k hugs given	Feb 09, 2020 at 02:31 AM #9 Oh hell no this would not be acceptable to me at all!
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~Christina Legendary Wise Elder Community Liaison Member Since Jul 2011 Location: Tennessee Posts: 22,450 (SuperPoster!) 12 12.7k hugs given	Feb 10, 2020 at 01:26 AM #11 I would end the relationship right now. __________________ Helping others gets me out of my own head ~
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