Looking for a real and honest answer. No bleeding hearts, please

No...he was not her sponsor. He was a friend that reminded her of one of her boyfriends in the past. Their conversations had nothing to do with coping or dealing. They were more personal

Hello feb2002user, I don't want anyone to take sides, that's for sure. My friend at work told me best it's just hard to swallow, We can't say if she has or has not...but I have to ask myself how much is enough regardless of who is right or wrong. That's why I'm looking to people who have the experience, and who have been there. I am listening it's just hard to getmyself out of the gears I'm in. I thank you again. I do mean that...with the I'm only hearing one person's explanation.

Because everytime we fought she would tell me that everyone on her side of the fence agrees that she is in the right and i'm wrong. Not once did I hear that there was anyone that said...we haven't heard his side. Doesn't mean it wasn't said. But her conviction was that it was everyone she talked to about it. I don't know if she told them what made me go in to anxieties that caused me to lash out. I don't know if she told them I had managed the house and kids during our alcoholism and kept my job (barely).

You know what Affliction, you actually did very well here articulating the inner challenges you deal with. So many individuals WONT care to look inward like you have done here with this list.

Actually, you should consider finding a good therapist to help you with this list. AA meetings are helpful, however it's also important to see a therapist as well. Also, what stands out to me about your list is that you have very strong codependent issues. This most likely stems from your childhood and lack of experiencing healthy parents and you most likely suffered from Childhood Emotional Neglect.

A lot of the people in AA struggle with the same things you have shared on your list. Some of these individuals can't articulate it as well as you can. And YES, many use alcohol to escape "feeling their emotions". Some individuals HAVE TO go to an AA meeting so they don't feel so alone with the list they struggle with that is very similar to your own list.

It's very possible it's not really paranoia you are experiencing but "hyper vigilance". And the attack you described could very well be a panic attack/anxiety attack and they can be very debilitating and a person can feel like they are having a heart attack. And they can come over a person as if out of no where too. Unfortunately, I have experienced them myself and they sure are VERY scary and I have literally had them so bad I was flat out on the floor too. I even had one so bad I ended up in the ER only to hear the doctor say all my signs were normal which I could NOT believe considering how horrible I felt.

Also, if your addiction is only alcohol then you would do better going to AA meetings. It's good that you are at least getting "some" support. If you find an AA meeting that has a group you feel more comfortable with also you can look for a sponsor which is someone you can call and talk to when you go through these challenging nights you just described experiencing.

My husband has been sober for 26 years now, he goes to meetings 6 nights a week and he has been a sponser and he has his own sponser that when he gets overwhelmed he just meets with to hash things out. The point is there IS support out there so you don't have to be so alone with this challenge.

If any of the children are old enough to know a towel from a nightgown, now is the time to teach them how to sort clothes; how to fold clothes. Even fairly small children can learn to straighten the covers on their beds, set the table, put toys away, and kids like to help. You can enlist the children to help you with household chores; you are a family unit after all. As for detoxing, please consider consulting your doctor. That is nothing to mess around with by yourself. Do you have leave coming to you at work? If you have it, take it if you need to. Not sure why you are attending NA meetings instead of AA; if you don't have a narcotics problem yourself, and have to choose only one program, I would choose AA. This is the sort of support I was talking about in my previous reply. I understand having to work in order to live. But I also understand a little time off in times of extreme stress is a good thing, assuming you can do it.

Hello OpenEyes & IceCreamKid, thanks...I was having a pity party and all my thoughts and emotions were crashing it. Thanks OpenEyes, I'm not sure 100% about panic/anxiety..I do hear you..when I activated ems and we went through the acronyms and vitals my respirations were normal, o2 saturation 98/99, pupils were not dialated, extremities were not cold...in fact they were really warm. There was one moment though one of them said they saw me going pale. So I'm not discarding the fact that in may have been an anxiety attack because the EMS team said they could see I was anxious. Ya...I have some friends in AA so we'll see, though I'd really not go to meetings they are at. I have a lot of stuff I'd rather share to strangers and not have to see the look on their face the next day. Thank you again Miss OpenEyes

To icCreameKid..yup..The Navy brat in me has been slowly bringing them in to do chores...but kids will be kids. It's hard because my parents can't help unless I drop kids at their house. Then sooner or later the little minions drive them up the wall. So I been working on letting the oldest stay at house after school and a neighbor/friend checks in on her while the younger goes to grandparents after school. Still though she's part me so the laziness gear and ya...I'll get that done in the last golden hour happens...she still hasn't perfected getting out of slacker gear to pickup and go.

But I have faith, yesterday was family house cleaning day and homework ketchup. We got up and out of the house early to get some breakfast, came home took a 30..then got it in gear and after each task was done I gave them breaks and rewards were for how well they worked with each other. I have already talked to HR about what my options are and the plant boss is on my side as far as getting a safety net around me so I don't lose my job. I will work through slowly and I hear you & the doc about my detox process. However even with the help, I need to get things around me stable so I can trust that I can walk away from it. I do have a lot of benefit time...perks of the years. But OT&DT don't come with it should I go. So I will have to chess play around and see what I can get that doesn't throw me too many rungs down. I have past reasons that drive me to going to NA however once I close those doors I'll walk towards going to AA for sure.
Thank you both again...it's Monday and I gotta get the minions up and ready in twenty then off to laundry mat...woooo so much fun...then after that try to squeeze an NA meeting in, take care everyone..hope you all have a great week

Affliction, is it too much to ask you how old you and your wife are?

Hello OpenEyes, no it isn't. I'm 46 and she is 38

Tonight was a good meeting. I got to learn a little from the steps as I volunteered to read a paragraph or two of step-2. I listened with as much as I could in myself to everyone's interpretation of it. I'd like to share more but I have to be up in 5hrs....it's not easy..but I didn't binge drink the last two days. Just enough to keep my shakes and withdrawals down. And I say this with all humility...it was hard as hell to hide them during the meeting. I got it all out in the car before I drove home. So that's where I am at. Thanks everyone for taking the time to read all of this and help with what you know. Have a goodnight/morning.

Is there a reason you go to NA instead of AA? It’s similar of course but still...

Hello divine1966...as you guessed it my brain won't stop thinking and I have to get up for work in a couple hours. I started messing around with drugs here and there from 14 and up. Yellowjackets and alcohol makes for a nice substitution at doing the whole upper/downers ...at least in my 20 yr old logic since I've never done heroin. I messed with coke for a couple of years and got out because I really liked it...I mean a lot...like I was saying earlier, Then came crosstops and alcohol. Then I began to trade street for OTC versions mixed with alcohol. I used Tramadol for awhile until a friend of mine told me that it shared the same neural pathway as heroin. So had to work myself down on that one.

At that point I was up to taking 12 tram a day. Then just like I said playing chemist with migraine meds, acetaminophen, and alcohol. I stopped doing that about 5 years ago and just went straight to alcohol and slowly ramping up afterwards. I wasn't trying to be dramatic a couple nights ago..Since I didn't have alcohol...I was at odds at running back to whatever pill layed on the ground to numb myself. I've always traded one thing for the other and never stopped. With lowering my alcohol with intent to stop...my nerves and thinking are running all over the place looking for an excuse to do something else to replace not drinking. I hope this kinda helps divine1966. It's not something I'm particular to talking about but I do see why anyone would ask. Thanks again for all the help and advice

Hey @Affliction: What are you doing for your sobriety? Everything else aside, one partner cannot get sober if the other partner is in active addiction. And if they manage to get sober, the relationship really cant last with one person actively drinking or using and the other person trying to stay sober. I am an alcoholic in recovery. My husband understood that part of the deal was no alcohol in the house. If we go out somewhere or socialize where there is alcohol I am in a place where I can handle it but I do not want it in my face or house. My husband realizes that my sobriety is more important than an occasional cocktail for him and has no issue with this. He really isnt a drinker anyway.

The points @Divine made about functional alcoholics were good, and this link really breaks it down:
What Is a High Functioning Alcoholic? | Know the Signs

Hello miss sarasweets, I've had to detox on my own because I'm the only income in our house. It's almost been 1 week and tonight was the worst. Since posting this I've attended NA meetings. Tonight was the first time I attended/participated in an AA meeting, I read as best as I could a paragraph from step-8 and we went over step-9 and discussed. I told the room what I was going through and it took everything I could to talk without sounding like i was sitting on a paint mixer going full throttle. I went to NA after. Today has been as about as I've felt since starting detox. I went from freezing to hot, really bad shakes to exhaustion. When I went to the meeting building one of the AA members saw I wasn't doing good, I told him what was going on and they were really great with reassuring me. Mind you I understand the whole 1 person drinking vs the other is not. When my wife was around I didn't drink...but I don't know how long it would've last knowing what I'm going through right now.

I would never put her or anyone I love in a situation where it would draw them back in to that situation. Even if it meant I had to stay somewhere else to clean up. I know...I grew up in an alcoholic household and watched my mom deal with my dad. I've been on the receiving end of an alcoholic on a bad day. However ...in my arrogance to not be that I learned (taken from an old game I played) that the longer you spend fighting an evil...the easier it becomes to fall to the very thing you hate and become it. Thank you again for taking the time to help and answer me. The next two days will be the real breaker for me as I'm going to try and stop. My condition as is I cannot go cold turkey...and I found out just a little of the way today/tonight. Thank you again very much. Everyone

Affliction, it sounds like the AA meeting you went to was not quite where you are yet. You should look for beginner's meetings. Often at those meetings they have individuals who are much further along and are available to new comers to be their sponsors.

You do need support, and you also need to take it one day at a time and focus on staying sober each day and taking care of your children and working your job. As far as your wife is concerned, you have to let that go for now and focus on YOUR own effort to get sober, reaching out for support and literally taking it one day at a time and often that includes staying sober an hour at a time in that one day.

Affliction, it's a positive step that you have made it a point to attend some AA meetings. It's a positive step that you have admitted you have a problem and have a desire to actually take steps to do something about it.

Given that you grew up in a home environment that exposed you to an alcoholic, you will have certain emotional challenges you may not be quite aware of as of yet. It is unfortunate that you formed bonds with a woman that also suffers from alcoholism. And you began to use alcohol as a crutch yourself. At this point the only thing you can do is work on yourself and step back as your wife works through her addiction issues. Also, it is probable that you don't quite know how to actually feel "safe" either. Often the main reason for that is when having to live in an environment with an alcoholic, there is no sense of predictability that is actually consistent. That is, just learning that Dad or whomever the alcoholic is has disturbing patterns about them that any child runs and hides from, if not physically, mentally and often by disassociation. From what you have shared, you have codependent tendencies which is often developed when living with a parent that has problems with alcohol/addiction. Often the hardest when it comes to stop the use of alcohol is the psychological addiction a person has developed to using it to "numb" feelings rather than learning how to work through these feelings and even at first identifying these uncomfortable feelings you experience.

This is why THERAPY helps along with attending the AA meetings and being exposed to individuals who can be supportive when you feel like you can't get through a day without that drink of alcohol. SOME individuals actually attend more than one meeting a day to help them just get through that day alcohol free. As each day passes they slowly "learn" how to get through a day sober and the person makes gains on it.

It's best not to convince yourself that weining works, as that means you are still actually active and just prolonging the addiction. If you want the truth without the sugar coating, take the time and research it instead of going along with the thinking that reducing is the answer.

hey @Affliction

Quote:

Originally Posted by Affliction Hello miss sarasweets, I've had to detox on my own because I'm the only income in our house.

Does your job have anything for sick leave or short term disability. Many insurances will cover rehab and they do not need to disclose to your job what the leave is for.

Quote:

It's almost been 1 week and tonight was the worst.

I understand your predicament and I have to say with no disrespect meant detoxing at home is one of the most dangerous things you can do. Alcohol withdrawl is deadly. Its not like heroin or meth where you will feel like crap but live. It can kill you. I detoxed at home and the only thing I believe saved my life was that I happened to be on antiseizure medicine. I was drinking so heavily but you dont have to be a heavy drinker to have a horrible detox. Amy Winehouse died from alcohol withdrawl. Its the only withdrawl that can kill you. It can cause heart palps/possible cardiac issues, seizures, and all the other horrible symptoms you mentioned. I always tell the alcoholics I work with that if they cant do rehab they at least need medical detox. Its only five days but they give you medication that not only saves you but makes the symptoms more mangeable.
Im curious- why NA? Was it because there were no aa meetings that night?

Quote:

I told the room what I was going through and it took everything I could to talk without sounding like i was sitting on a paint mixer going full throttle. I went to NA after. Today has been as about as I've felt since starting detox. I went from freezing to hot, really bad shakes to exhaustion.

I would never put her or anyone I love in a situation where it would draw them back in to that situation. Even if it meant I had to stay somewhere else to clean up. I know...I grew up in an alcoholic household and watched my mom deal with my dad. I've been on the receiving end of an alcoholic on a bad day. However ...in my arrogance to not be that I learned (taken from an old game I played) that the longer you spend fighting an evil...the easier it becomes to fall to the very thing you hate and become it. Thank you again for taking the time to help and answer me. The next two days will be the real breaker for me as I'm going to try and stop. My condition as is I cannot go cold turkey...and I found out just a little of the way today/tonight. Thank you again very much. Everyone[/QUOTE]
Please go to detox. Do not do this alone.

I'm like all 70s/80s military brats...and it progressed...I traded street for otc...and in my detox it's been very not fun in holding myself back from using a tradeoff to the feelings I am getting. I went to the AA at the urge of the older members since they saw what I was going through at the table. I think they just wanted to keep an eye on me as well get me started. I feel more comfortable in NA meetings than AA too. Thank you miss sarahsweets and open eyes...the both of you....I been at 1.5 shots for one week....tonight I'm going to see how well I'll do not drinking..Yesterday was the worst...so we'll see. If I feel something is wrong I'll get on it asap and won't mess around. Thank you both

Hello,
I took a 10 mil lisinopril to control bp when I went to bed last night. woke up shortly afterwards drenched and freezing. I think I sweat good enough from probably having a hot episode that ya..after it stopped I went to the other spectrum. Today wasn't as bad as a couple days ago, little to no dry heaving. Just I could not get any control of my cough.

I thought I got through to day to like a champ...then when I got to my car I realized just how much I hide without showing. I went in to a real bad coughing fit and dry heaved some stuff that I didn't know I could dry heave. It felt like a five minute episode...not fun at all...so scratch the whole made it through day two without a bruise trophy. I'm going to go lay down after a shower and play with kids while we wait for some much needed chinese food.

Then I'm just going to lay down. I've got 2 days that I'm hoping I can work through this. Coughing and freezing fits calmed down but I'm wearing thermals and a sweater in my 73 deg living room. So ya...don't think chills are done yet. Have a good night everyone...here's to happy friday.

Are you smoking/using canibus as well Affliction? I am asking that because I just read an article where canibus use can make a person very ill with vomiting and dehydration.

Hello OpenEyes,
No, I haven't used any rec or med or cbd for over a year. Sorry I didn't get back till now. I literally just laid in bed. Finally gave up and got a bath towel cause I was soaking wet through the worst parts. I still can't shake this cough...but I bought delsum and alka seltzer plus....There is a cold/flu going around...cause my daughter is getting sick. There is just that lucky chance that I got sick around the same time I started this detox and yes since 2/14..i haven't drank at all