Boyfriend and brother don't get along

Hey everyone!
I'm having a bit of a relationship problem and I'm not sure how to handle it. Or if I should. I'm dating this really wonderful guy. He's one of the sweetest men I've met and he's very considerate of my past relationship issues. I really couldn't ask for a better partner.

He has a lot of strong principles, which isn't a bad thing and I'm not trying to imply that's a problem. I love him even more for it. The only thing is that he really dislikes my brother. I can see why because my brother isn't a good person. Even so, he's my family. But now I feel like I've been put between them to act as a peacekeeper. And I'm really really failing.

I've been trying to explain to my boyfriend why my brother is the way he is. Our childhood home was far from ideal and my brother got the worst of our father's temper. I think that helped my boyfriend understand a little bit, but now my brother is in legal trouble again, and my boyfriend doesn't want anything to do with my brother. He hasn't tried to prevent me from seeing my brother, but I can tell it upsets him if I even mention it.

I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose one of them because of this, but I feel helpless and don't know what to do.

This is where you need to employ strong interpersonal boundaries with your boyfriend and your brother. Neither will like it -- this I guarantee -- but this is your only option as I see it. And, by boundaries, I mean, interpersonal boundaries. Ex. Your boyfriend is not allowed to vent to you about your brother, and vice versa. That boundary removes you from their conflict with each other.

Why is it your responsibility to be the peacemaker between them? It's not. They are grown men. They can either talk to each other and work out their conflict that way, or be immature and refuse to take the high road.

This will be hard for you to do, if you have any codependency triggers and are a people pleaser. But you have to verbally tell your brother and your boyfriend that you are no longer available to them to vent to about each other. There is literally no other way to remove yourself from the middle, except by literally, removing yourself from the middle.

You can care for them both, so I'm not telling you to stop doing that. But what I'm suggesting is, that you have to set some very clear boundaries here with each of them so that you can enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and your brother separately.

If your boyfriend refuses to respect your boundary, then you need to question why you'd settle for a romantic partner who gets to dictate when/how you set boundaries with him that are meant to protect your mental health. Just my two cents from experience with this type of situation.

I agree with @StreetcarBlanche, @Zevvy. You need to not let yourself involved in this situation, even though I realize it is hard. It is their problem if they do not like each other. So yes, do follow @StreetcarBlanche's advice and set some boundaries. Hopefully they will understand this! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Zevvy, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

StreetcarBlanche and MickeyCheeky, I absolutely agree with everything you've said! Thank you so much! It was exactly what I needed to hear. They're both adults and they need to handle this on their own.

I do. Pretty badly too. I know what I should do, and hopefully your suggestions will help me grow a spine, lol. It's going to be hard though. I've always stood up for my brother and played mediator between him and our dad.

I also wanted to clarify that my boyfriend does respect my boundaries. Like I said, he hasn't tried to keep my brother away or anything like that. It really seems to bother him though, and I also don't want him to feel like he has to hide his feelings about it.

Consider it a red flag that he doesn’t like your brother and tells you that. The only reason I mention that as a red flag is because it’s his way of trying to control you subtly. He shouldn’t put you in the middle. That’s just not fair to you or your brother. Just a hunch I have. Be careful.

Thank you so much, StreetcarBlanche! I will watch out for it. Is there some way I could tell if he's trying to control me? Again, I don't want him to feel like he can't express his opinions.

Hmm.... I don't exactly think it's right of your boyfriend to share so much with you his distaste for your brother. If he was more thoughtful, he would understand what a difficult position that puts you in. And if he gets upset because your brother is in trouble? This raises a red flag to me. How come he's not concerned? Even if he doesn't like him, he could be compassionate about the situation, by understanding that it's deeply troublesome when a family member is in legal trouble. Sounds like your boyfriend needs more tolerance and a bit of a talking to. I would explain to him how you feel and I would be very open and honest with him. He should understand that this is a family member of yours, after all. You cannot be split between the two, and he shouldn't be getting upset if you want to talk about it with him. This is raising several red flags.

I found a great list of ways a partner manipulates their partner.

20 Signs Your Partner Is Controlling | Psychology Today

Some of these are more blatant than others, as far as recognizing them as they happen.

Maybe you can use it as a checklist with this current boyfriend. See if he's doing any of these emotionally abusive tactics with you. If not you've got an emotionally healthy boyfriend.

I think he should learn to get along with, or at the very least be neutral about your brother. He should not badmouth your brother to you. He should be supporting you and when it comes to your brother he isn't doing that.

I agree with Bill3 100%.

Your boyfriend is not in a relationship with your brother. He's in a relationship with you. How he feels about your brother is moot. If his hidden resentment surfaces as passive-aggressive statements to you, the silent treatment, or "bad moods" then THAT is emotional manipulation on his part.

He needs to get over it and resolve it directly with your brother. If he won't, then you need to decide -- do you want to commit yourself to a guy whose ego is so fragile, he's willing to take out his immature behavior on you (his closest target), which is settling.

Or, can you discern better in the future, and choose a more emotionally available man who may not like your brother, but voices it as concern and then drops the issue, and focuses on nurturing his relationship with you, and nurturing and emotionally supporting you.

Something to think about.

Thank you so much everyone! I will take all of your advice into consideration and I did read over the article on controlling behavior. Thankfully bf doesn't do any of those. The issue with my brother is the only thing we really argue about.

I talked with him last night. He did apologize for venting about my brother to me and he said he understands that we're family. But he also said that he isn't going to pretend to like my brother. He'll be civil when he has to talk to him, but that's it. I think that's all I can really ask for.

Hmm I don't feel he's that way though. Maybe I've given the wrong impression of him and I should clarify something. I still agree with everyone that he shouldn't badmouth my brother to me or try to get between us. But my brother REALLY isn't a good person as I mentioned in the first post. He's a narcissistic psychopath who has been in prison for serious offenses and he may be in serious trouble again. It's hard to tell with him because he always tries to play it off as some big misunderstanding. I still love him because he's family and he's always been there for me when I really needed him, but I can also understand why someone wouldn't be able to get along with him.

He did seem to understand when we talked about it last night. I told him that I felt like he was putting me between the two of them and he apologized. Also he does care about the situation, but he's more concerned about my brother's wife and kids and how it affects them.

Hey Zevvy, it is good to hear that your boyfriend was able to take responsibility for his own behavior in this situation and not push it on you. Just be mindful that he doesn't try to use your brother's actions as a way to justify his behavior with you.

That's great your bf owned up and apologized. I now more fully understand your bf's stance on why he doesn't like your brother -- there are legitimate concerns. I would be wary if my bf had a sibling who was a psychopath who had been in prison. It's perfectly understandable.

I think it helps to look at the motivations behind your boyfriend complaining about your brother. Does he want you to intervene?(not that you should) Is he hoping your brother will change? Does he want your brother out of the picture? If he has expectations about how your brother fits into things he should ask.

That doesn't really change much, though. It's your bro's family, and it isn't going to do your bf any good to worry over things that aren't in his control. If there's child abuse or something going on, then sure, call CPS (or whatever equivalent). But otherwise, let your bro and his wife handle their problems.

Thank you everyone for the advice!

Ok so I tried to ask him what his motivations were, but I don't think he even knows for sure. He kept mentioning that my brother gives him a bad feeling like he shouldn't trust him. He doesn't know about my brother's diagnosis, but he does know that he was in prison when he was younger. He did say that he doesn't want either of us to intervene and he doesn't want my brother out of the picture. He only wants me to be more wary of my brother's intentions. I think. He also apologized for being irrational and promised to try to be more polite with my brother.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'm really glad I asked and I think I understand his position a little better, but I'm not sure I'm going to keep pressing my boyfriend with any more questions unless something else comes up. I feel like I'm making him defend himself at this point. And as I mentioned earlier, I don't want him to feel like he's being forced to like someone.