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WovenGalaxy
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#1
This is long and the kind of story that is not simple. I am looking for honesty and kindness. If you can't give both at the same time, please don't respond. This is a sensitive subject for me, and I am not wanting to feel judged or hurt.
I have a friend who is a biological man (he considers himself trans - a female, but he has not taken the female pronouns, for self protection, and he has a male name, and looks like a male, and has not had surgery). I have on and off known him through friends. I knew him back when I was 26, which was 10 years ago, and he was in his forties. I always wondered if he "liked" me. I did not feel the same, but I was and still do feel a connection with him on an emotional and intellectual level. When I started seeing someone back around 10 years ago, he started to keep his distance from me. Oddly, he says he does not remember this time. I asked him if he remembered the guy I dated and he said no. He does have issues with his memory. 2 and a half years ago, we came upon each other by chance at a thing of mutual friends. I sat near him, because it felt comfortable. He did not remember me until I told him how we used to know each other. We exchanged numbers, and met once for coffee, but I got a vibe like he might like me, and I worried about that, and ended up just dropping him. This summer, we saw each other again by chance, and we ended up hanging out. It was kind of weird because he was so friendly even before I apologized. I apologized for dropping him. It was the right thing to do. I told him I was in a bad place then. (though that's not the truth). We have since become very good friends. We have been pretty close friends since the end of summer of last year. Last year was when he told me he was trans. I didn't mind / care. It's no big deal to me. He made me a bunch of mix CDs for Christmas. It was sweet. But I was worried he liked me. I decided to bring it up, this time, instead of just cut him out. He'd been becoming an important person in my life. He said that he is just looking for friendship. So that made me feel better, and reassured me. The truth is, I feel a connection with him. I guess I could call it an attraction. But it's not a sexual attraction. I am not attracted to him in that way. I do feel close with him though, and lately, at the same time, I've been feeling hurt by him. And I'm wondering if I am feeling too close, so close to the point of like faux boyfriend without the sex, a pseudo bf. It just feels very close emotionally, and I also notice, he is not able to meet my emotional needs, at the same time, and then I feel hurt. I went through something similar to this with someone else once, only it was an old bf who was the wrong person for me, and we were faux bf and gf for a long time, under the guise of "friends." He ended up getting a gf eventually, and it really hurt, because I was so dependent on him for my emotional needs. I don't want that to happen again with this guy. I think I want to pull away. That being said, my guy friend, this may seem SO small, and even I am like, "Why am I upset about this?" but I really am: last night we talked on the phone for over 2 hrs. We do that sometimes when we get talking. He will often say something afterwards to me like "wow we talked for 2 hrs I noticed" or "I can't believe we hung out for 3 whole hours." It's a little strange, in my opinion, and makes me wonder if he does like me, or why it matters. But this time, after we got off the phone, I decided to say it to him. I was feeling happy, and so I texted him and said "we talked for 2 hrs and 1 minute have a good night" He didn't text back, and he could have been going to sleep, though he said he was going to eat, and he didn't respond today. And I ended up texting HIM, and asking him if all was okay, and he seemed kind of blah but he said everything was good. This ALL just makes me think........I've gotten too close. Because I have SUCH a reaction to his flippancy and inability to be there when I need him. Why do I need him? He's not my boyfriend and I don't want him to be. Should I detach and pull away? I do think I should. Also I want to put some other things here too for some background that I hope is not too random. I have been depressed lately a bit. I'm going through a med change, and I noticed he's not able to be supportive in the way I need. Maybe HE is pulling away. He also invited me to play in a Dungeons and Dragons group of his, and I really like the people in it, and I liked the idea of playing, but imo, it pretty much is very boring and strange, and confusing and frustrating, and I can't get into it. So last night on the phone, I finally told him I didn't want to play anymore. I was really nice about it and he was fine with it and understood. It just bothered me he seemed distant today. And isn't it ok because we're just friends! I think I need to pull away, I'm finding myself feeling hurt, even though logically I do not want more. Last edited by WovenGalaxy; Feb 10, 2020 at 08:04 PM.. |
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Be Still, Bill3, bpcyclist, Discombobulated
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Grand Magnate
Discombobulated
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#2
I don't have any wise insights but wanted to say maybe it's possible you could just see him/talk a bit less rather than not at all? It does sound like quite an intense friendship (some of us have a tendency to those!) and maybe a bit of space would give you a chance to sort your own thoughts out.
Only other thing I would like to add is that you mention feeling like you want him to be more emotionally supportive. From my experience even those of us in established relationships can sometimes expect more from our partners than they are able to give. It can be a difficult feeling to sit with, but in any relationship (Friend or romantic partner) sometimes we are alone - if that makes sense. |
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Be Still, Bill3, WovenGalaxy
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WovenGalaxy
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#3
Thanks Discombobulated. I like the idea of pulling back but not completely cutting him out. I don't want to be impulsive about this, either. Its something I may need to process, and not quickly.
I have some thoughts about what you said in the second part. Will write later when I have time. |
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Discombobulated
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Be Still
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#4
Sounds like he is also giving some mixed signals a bit. How clear are the boundaries of friendship that you guys have set? Do you know if he is seeing someone else at the moment?
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sarahsweets
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#5
I think its important to consider the back and forth history with this person. In the past you have pulled back for various reasons but now you are leaning on him and not having your needs met. Can you accept that it might always be that way? Are you able to tell him what your expectations are and accept what he says about them?
__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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Be Still
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WovenGalaxy
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#6
Update: I talked to someone about how I was feeling. Mainly I talked about my confusion about whether it's okay to have a guy friend who I feel connected to and care about. This person I spoke with said that it may be that because I have been lonely in the past and because companionship is natural, it makes sense that I would think this way and wonder and worry. But she also said that I could be experiencing transference. Like, basically, he's there. And so my feelings go there. Even though I am not attracted to him and don't want anything more.
We hung out last night. It was really fun. At one point though, we were talking, and I told him that a few years ago I had some untreated issues and I gave him an example. He seemed to condemn me. Which made me feel really badly. He's just not good at being supportive. Which sucks because he loves how supportive I am with him. I do think.......acceptance is key. And then protection. Like not opening up as much. And then probably pull away a bit. I feel like....if I told him "what you said made me feel bad" I'd be saying it all the time. But it's an idea. I could possibly do that too. @sarahsweets, can you explain or elaborate more what you mean? It sounds like you think I have expectations about how this friendship should be and I don't. There are things I wish he did say / didn't say, did do / didn't do. But I'm not sure it's warranted to ask that of him because we are only friends (and that's all I want, friendship). Does that make sense? Also what exactly is important about our back and forth history to you? I'm confused about what you're saying. In terms of accepting him for who he is (unable to give me what I need emotionally as a friend), it sucks but yes I'm working on accepting it and I think pulling back is a way to do that. Maybe also dating people and spending time with other people. @Be Still I appreciate that you validated me. I feel that there are some things he is doing and saying that seem like signs that he likes me too. I've only asked him about the gift, and he just said he was just so happy to be accepted for being trans by me, that he wanted to give me a gift. I said something in my OP about this, that when he gave me the present (Literally like 10 mix CDs), I decided to talk to him to get clarity on his intentions. He said he just liked me as a friend. I'm confused about your question about boundaries. But I do not think I need to say anything to him at this point. I think I can set my own boundaries. I am not aware of him seeing anyone else at this time. Why? Thanks! @Discombobulated I know I said I was going to come back to talk more, but I forget what it was I was going to say. |
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Discombobulated
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WovenGalaxy
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#7
Ps: sometimes things aren't absolute black or white. I am stepping back from thinking about this! It doesn't feel healthy. If anyone has any thoughts for me tho, like is it okay to communicate to him how I feel hurt sometimes? Cool. Have a good day.
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Grand Magnate
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#8
That makes sense, the transference. I'm glad you have some more clarity on this!
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WovenGalaxy
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Grand Magnate
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#9
Yes I think with anyone it is healthy to communicate if you feel hurt, defintely, as long as it's in a constructive calm way and within established boundaries that is fine. That is how relationships grow and develop and strengthen.
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WovenGalaxy
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sarahsweets
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#10
Hey @WovenGalaxy:
Quote:
And regarding your history I only meant that you were saying its been back and forth and maybe that was a good clue as to how things would go with the friendship. __________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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WovenGalaxy
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Discombobulated, WovenGalaxy
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WovenGalaxy
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#11
Quote:
Thank you sarahsweets! I appreciate this a lot and your honesty. Thanks for getting back to me. I think you and discombobulated are right about communicating needs. How else would a person know? I myself, would want my friend to tell ME if I said something to offend. I wouldn't want him to bottle it up. He is very kind and sensitive himself, so I'm guessing he would be kind about my communicating openly about how I feel sometimes and what I need from the friendship. In term of back n forth, we've never been this close of friends before. The future is a mystery. But I'm happy we are friends. |
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Discombobulated, sarahsweets
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WovenGalaxy
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#12
I am struggling again with this. Mainly I'm feeling that we are too close, and some things have been bothering me about him that I'm not sure how to communicate to him. Pulling away feels like an extremely sensible idea. So that's what I'm going to do.
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Discombobulated
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Discombobulated
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