Believing that everyone is a bit fake and two faced at times

Lately I've wondered if everyone is actually a bit fake and two faced at times. We always talk about how we should stay away from those who gossip about others since we know for a fact that they will do the same to you. Trust me, I've had friends and acquaintances admit to talking about others and even do it in the process, usually when they're angry, and then go to say they would never talk about me behind my back.

Of course, I say I believe them just to avoid confrontation but in my head, I'm thinking yeah right, that's a bunch of crap. Not buying it. The reason is because we all do it. In general, being two faced is never a good thing, but since we, as humans, are not perfect and never will be, it makes me think that we are all a bit two faced and fake to an extent. What happens when we're angry with someone? We talk about them. What happens when you're jealous? Gossiping ensues. The list could go on.

That's why I believe we are all two faced at times. It becomes a much bigger problem when being fake and two faced becomes the person's personality and they do it with malicious, vindictive, arrogant, and even narcissistic intent. In those cases, the person is stuck up and arrogant. But for the rest, I think it is more of a slip up due to a brief bout of anger or annoyance. And maybe, you may even feel bad about it after things have calmed down.

I know I have vented about someone but then felt bad about it afterwards or even during the process of venting. Or in some cases, just two people who just simply don't get along. What do you guys think? Do you think everyone, and I mean everybody, is a bit two faced and fake to an extent? Like I said, no one should have to be with someone who is two faced constantly as a part of their personality, but in a way, I believe the rest of us are guilty of doing that stuff. We just have to distinguish between someone who is slipping up due to a bout of brief anger or annoyance, and someone who is two faced due to malicious intent due to being arrogant and stuck up.

People like to believe that they're more consistent and moral than they actually are. They can write off behaviors they dislike about themselves as "exceptions" even if there seem to be a lot of exceptions. Most people don't live according to their values, but act on instinct and out of emotion as things come up. I think most people fake the majority of their social interactions, and they only dislike "fake" people because they're envious.

It's what makes understanding morality for me so difficult that I just gave up on trying to be moral. Everyone has their own rigid do's and don't's, but few people actually follow them. I think people really don't care as much about these things as they claim to. Whenever I rely on the good will of others, I'm normally disappointed. When I rely on their selfishness, things always tend to work out for me. Sometimes it makes me really wonder, as somebody with AsPD, if everyone else is a sociopath, too, and they're just better at faking emotion than I am. They seem to be just as egocentric, to me, but perhaps less aware or accepting of their egocentrism.

I'm sorry if my perspective offends anyone. I'm probably not able to see the whole picture clearly. To me, though, it seems like the only thing that sort of keeps most people in check is guilt. Even then, most people seem to choose to deal with some amount of guilt to benefit themselves, or offer myopic rationalizations to defend whatever behavior they dislike. I think the vast majority of people are True Neutral, and the people who claim to care about not being "two-faced" will normally change their tone if being "two-faced" is something easy they can do to benefit themselves. Maybe afterwards they feel guilty or rationalize it, but again they're mostly acting on instinct and not really thinking through their choices.

Oh I totally agree. It appears to me that people do act based on emotion, especially when anger is involved. I have known, and still know some people who are generally very nice and even go out of their way to be with you, but if they get angry, it’s almost like they’re a totally different person.

They are so full of anger that they say things about someone that they probably said would never say about someone. Usually in this case, the person has severe anger issues. I have a friend like that. Usually after the person rants, they feel bad about backstabbing and will make up for it. Not saying it is a good excuse at all.

But yeah, no one is perfect and like you mentioned, people usually wind up doing the stuff they hate others doing or something they claim they would never do. At one point or another, everyone has backstabbed someone out of pure anger or jealousy. In a sense, we are hard wired to do so.

Like I mentioned, there is a difference between someone having a lapse of judgement due to extreme negative emotions only to apologize about it later and someone who backstabs on a regular basis because it makes them feel good about themselves and they have nothing but malicious intent behind it.

Hey @rdgrad15:

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Originally Posted by rdgrad15 Of course, I say I believe them just to avoid confrontation but in my head, I'm thinking yeah right, that's a bunch of crap. Not buying it. The reason is because we all do it. In general, being two faced is never a good thing, but since we, as humans, are not perfect and never will be, it makes me think that we are all a bit two faced and fake to an extent. What happens when we're angry with someone? We talk about them. What happens when you're jealous? Gossiping ensues. The list could go on.

Do you mean venting to a good friend about someone? I do not look at that as gossip or talking behind someone's back. I have a few friends that I may vent to about another friend regardless if it is a common friend or not but I do not see it as gossip. To me talking about someone behind their back or gossiping means you are talking about someone to multiple people, even people that you are not close with, with the intent to cause harm to their reputation or to be flat out mean.

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That's why I believe we are all two faced at times. It becomes a much bigger problem when being fake and two faced becomes the person's personality and they do it with malicious, vindictive, arrogant, and even narcissistic intent. In those cases, the person is stuck up and arrogant. But for the rest, I think it is more of a slip up due to a brief bout of anger or annoyance. And maybe, you may even feel bad about it after things have calmed down.

I think we all vent about people to our friends especially if it is a common friend. Just last week I went to a 40th birthday party for a common friend who has always been on the self absorbed side. My BF came as well. The party was a "surprise" but the birthday person knew about it an helped plan it. People were invited to roast him and then following that there was an "intermission" and then the birthday boy had like a concert with him singing his own songs. After intermission I told my BF that I was leaving because there was only so much "self love" I could take. Now this birthday friend is a decent person and his... "self absorption" has never gotten in the way of him being a friend and a good person. So my BF and I vented to each other and said our goodbyes.

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I know I have vented about someone but then felt bad about it afterwards or even during the process of venting. Or in some cases, just two people who just simply don't get along. What do you guys think? Do you think everyone, and I mean everybody, is a bit two faced and fake to an extent? Like I said, no one should have to be with someone who is two faced constantly as a part of their personality, but in a way, I believe the rest of us are guilty of doing that stuff.

I guess I see it a little different. I do not think guilt needs to be involved- I think we all have those friends that we can S**t talk with. But I truly feel like there is a difference between being two faced, fake or a gossip and venting or talking with someone about a friend. I feel this way because of intent or context. Am I rationalizing? Maybe.

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We just have to distinguish between someone who is slipping up due to a bout of brief anger or annoyance, and someone who is two faced due to malicious intent due to being arrogant and stuck up.

I agree.

Hi,

One thing that helps me mitigate the whole idea of this so-called 'two-facedness' in people, is to ask myself "do I speak ill of people too?" And if you're an honest person, then, your answer might be, "Yes, I do, sometimes" - don't lie.

Generally speaking, try to accept as people the way they are - try not to be so unforgiving[?] No ones perfect but if a person has love in their heart? That's always something to gravitate towards.

Accept the good with the bad...

Does that make sense @rdgrad15?

I think of anything I tell someone as information I have given them...I hate (and rarely have) to ask anyone to keep a secret so, I guess that what I say is theirs to do with as they will...then I am not upset if I hear that someone said something they heard from someone who said....
(and, yeah, I have been guilty myself...)

Yes you are right. There definitely is a difference between common friends to criticize and talk about each other due to anger, annoyance or just plain frustration if they are one of those friends who can't seem to take advice and keep on making the same mistake over and over again. I've been in that situation too. A friend refuses to take advice, only to be met with the same mistake over and over. But yeah, I agree, true gossip and backstabbing is talking about others, even people you don't know, to everyone, even to people you don't know. I've seen that happen too. Quite frightening because you know that person can ruin your reputation. I've had that happen to me. But yeah, I do agree with you that a little bit of talking or venting about someone to others you are close to is normal, talking about others because it feels good and there is malicious intent behind it is not normal.

There is a practice of speaking and listening to no negative talk about anything unless it is for a constructive purpose. I’ve only fairly recently learned this was a goal to achieve, and in doing so, we protect ourselves from harm in the process. I’ve noticed that when I speak badly, it always comes back to bite me.

I have met people who really live by this rule. True, most all of us slip up in this bad habit, but we all could achieve this goal if we really want to. The world would be a better place if we all did.

Yep, makes perfect sense. Yeah no one is perfect, you basically have to outweigh the good from the bad and if they are truly a caring person, then usually their venting is just out of pure anger, annoyance, or in some cases, if they are warning you about someone they know is not a good person to be around and you are clueless about it. But yeah, we have to accept the good with the bad and not be as unforgiving. And in terms of mitigation, yeah honestly we all do it to an extent. Some of us, like I said, out of pure frustration or anger and it is just a form of venting, while others do it with malicious intent. That's what we have to look for. What is their intent behind their venting. That's what we need to look out for.

Yeah that would be nice if everyone lived by that rule, and in some cases, people do speak badly for constructive purposes. But unfortunately, as we are not perfect, we all slip up.

I think I see where you're coming from. So you mean, you basically expect anything you say to be spread around to others whether you like it or not? In that case, I can understand. I am that way. I basically expect it to happen since it's very hard for most people to keep secrets. In some extremely serious cases, keeping something a secret can actually get you in trouble too which is also why people may talk. They may be protecting themselves from getting in trouble.

Yes, very good points. You have to be circumspect.

I think we're not only all two-faced and fake at times, but that we have to be to preserve others' integrity.

Why think we've got the final answers in life when (as you say) sometimes we know we're just venting for our own reasons?

How often have we changed our minds later and felt the criticisms we expressed were incorrect or ill considered?

How often is the fakeness in fact for someone's benefit, as it would be if we give an insincere assessment ('Sure, that's a lovely dress') over something that doesn't matter?

I don't like the term "two faced" simply because being two-faced implies an intentional double image, in other words someone purposefully acts one way to mislead and deceive another for ulterior motives.

Do we all have faces and images we show in different instances? absolutely and this is called etiquette and privacy. There are certain things that you keep concealed for purposes of privacy depending on how close or trusting you are of the other person in the relationship. I think there is a big difference between this and being what you refer to as fake.

My simple answer is no, we are not all "fake" but we all do have certain amounts of information and self that we reveal in different environments, settings and groups. If I'm going to a group of people who are a bunch of gamers that I enjoy meeting with, I'm not going to go in there and reveal all my love life troubles and/or other personal issues that are not appropriate for that group. Would I be pretending by putting forth a face of someone that is doing alright or is that just the appropriate amount of information to share with that particular group?

being a completely open, and revealing everything about you and your life is just not a wise thing to do with everyone you know.

Be careful about how you frame this. we are different with different people for good reason and I would not look at it as a negative in many cases.

Yep exactly.

Yeah true, that makes sense.

Well in the scenarios you mentioned, I can see what you mean. That's a little different but yeah that's true.

Being two-faced can be intentional and unintentional, innocent or malicious. Just part of someone's personality.

There are people who want to be two-faced to cause trouble, whilst others do it to make someone feel good about themselves and keep them as a friend. Then there's the gossip aspect. As my ex once said "you've two ears but only one mouth, use it wisely". I'm always careful what I say until I know a person, even then I am still wary. Doesn't just apply to friends, family too. My aunt thinks it's fine to spread gossip. She criticises me for not being open, but it's not my style. Personally I find it too much like hard work to keep two personas going. If criticising someone, I find the right tone so they don't feel worthless.

I agree. It cane be intentional or unintentional, malicious or harmless like you said. All depends on the reason and motive. And yeah, I’m very wary as well.