Separation/Divorce - Inevitability it seems

passivezero · Feb 12, 2020 at 09:03 AM

As far as introductions go, this one couldn't be more uncomfortable, but where else am I to turn for non-judgmental assistance? I have been "happily" married for just over five years and have a four year old son who I love with my entire being.
For over a year I have been feeling stagnant in my relationship with my spouse. I have love for him, how could I not with the life we brought into this world together? But, after more than a year of quiet reflection of not only myself, but our life together, I've realized that having love for him and being in love with him are two vastly different things.
I feel alone even when we're in the same room. There's a distance that I can't seem to cross. However, I don't know if he senses it yet.
I've attempted to broach the subject, to gently bring up that I'm not happy, but I don't think he gets it.
I'm struggling with how and when to come forward with my feelings of dissatisfaction and let him know that I'm not happy and I want to peacefully and lovingly move on for the sake of our son.

sarahsweets · Feb 12, 2020 at 10:31 AM

Has this been something gradual or more recent?

passivezero · Feb 12, 2020 at 10:49 AM

My feelings of wanting to separate from him have been gradual becoming more and more insistent. I've become more steadfast in my idea that that is what is best for me. It's been more than a year that I have been considering the best path for me, in our relationship.

feb2020user · Feb 12, 2020 at 11:25 AM

That sounds really hard. I don't know your situation, but I do know of a few cases where somebody felt this way about their SO and were able to rekindle their relationship through couples therapy. You mentioned that you haven't been outright with your feelings, and that your spouse doesn't seem to understand them. It's good to have separation on the table, and accept that it might be necessary, but it sounds to me like you haven't really tried to work through things with your spouse yet. I don't think that's fair to either of you.

I'm not saying you haven't done anything, but I question your commitment to change when you seem more ready to talk about separating than to talk about working through things. That doesn't sound entirely like the fault of your spouse. Are you having second thoughts about settling down?

passivezero · Feb 12, 2020 at 12:17 PM

I am not placing fault on him at all, it is me who has changed. I have become complacent in our relationship. I agree that I need to sit and speak candidly about what I'm feeling, but I want to approach it in a level manner, where we can speak as adults. Is it wrong to place my needs as a person as priority? Why do I feel such guilt?

Yaowen · Feb 12, 2020 at 12:41 PM

I'm so sorry that you are not happy. It must be so painful for you!

Be Still · Feb 16, 2020 at 09:40 AM

Try and genuinely feel if your heart is still with him. Is there a flame that can be reignited? If your heart is not with him, it may be a challenge to try and work things out. You shouldn’t feel guilty for not wanting to be with him or even not wanting to work things out. What’s more important is understanding why you don’t want to make it work and why you feel separation is inevitable. Because the grass is not greener else where. Every spouse has his/her baggage they bring with them in a relationship. So before calling it quits, it will be cool to understand what within yourself has turned you off about this relationship and why you feel separation is best. Then atleast you won’t repeat similar relationship patterns in your next relationship.

Bill3 · Feb 16, 2020 at 11:12 AM

Quote:

. Is it wrong to place my needs as a person as priority? Why do I feel such guilt?

There are a lot of possible sources of the feelings of guilt. You could have a sense that you are not fully hearing out and considering the needs of your spouse and son. It could be that your choice to leave would be contrary to what you were taught in childhood. Perhaps you feel in your heart of hearts that you should give the commitment itself more of a chance. Maybe the guilt is none of these things, but something else altogether.

Perhaps individual and/or couples therapy can help you understand the guilt better and come to terms with it, and thereby help you to find peace in whatever decision you make.

PerplexedPartner · Feb 16, 2020 at 09:33 PM

Marriages have seasons, sometimes there is love sometimes there is indifference, sometimes there's even hate. The type of love we have in the first few years is not sustainable over time and marriages must mature to survive into a comfortable peace, companionship, shared interests, and loyalty. Most people looking for the 'spark' to last feel disappointed. Most who divorce too soon come to regret it. No spark lasts and a marriage counselor may help you both rebuild before it becomes too late.

sarahsweets · Feb 17, 2020 at 02:13 AM

Hey @passivezero if you told him you wanted a divorce would he somehow withhold your child from you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by passivezero

I am not placing fault on him at all, it is me who has changed. I have become complacent in our relationship. I agree that I need to sit and speak candidly about what I'm feeling, but I want to approach it in a level manner, where we can speak as adults. Is it wrong to place my needs as a person as priority? Why do I feel such guilt?

Have Hope · Feb 17, 2020 at 08:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by passivezero

I am not placing fault on him at all, it is me who has changed. I have become complacent in our relationship. I agree that I need to sit and speak candidly about what I'm feeling, but I want to approach it in a level manner, where we can speak as adults. Is it wrong to place my needs as a person as priority? Why do I feel such guilt?

It's very difficult to end a marriage, or a lifelong commitment. Please don't feel guilty though for placing a priority on your happiness.

Life is far too short to be lived in an unhappy marriage. Why do that to yourself, or to him?

We have just one lifetime to live, and I can tell that you want to be happy or else you wouldn't be thinking this way.

I would just simply tell him one day that you need to talk about your marriage and where you are at with it. Then tell him straight up that you're unhappy, that you have been unhappy for a long time, and that you think it's best to separate and go your own ways. Tell him that you've given it much thought, and this is what you want and need.

Just pull that band-aid off. Be brave. You can do this!

passivezero · Feb 17, 2020 at 09:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Hey @passivezero if you told him you wanted a divorce would he somehow withhold your child from you?

I don't believe he would.

passivezero · Feb 17, 2020 at 09:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I would just simply tell him one day that you need to talk about your marriage and where you are at with it. Then tell him straight up that you're unhappy, that you have been unhappy for a long time, and that you think it's best to separate and go your own ways. Tell him that you've given it much thought, and this is what you want and need.

Just pull that band-aid off. Be brave. You can do this!

This is my plan. It is refreshing to know that someone out there "has my back" as it were.
Thank you for the kind words. I will try to keep my chin up. It is for the best.

Have Hope · Feb 17, 2020 at 09:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by passivezero

This is my plan. It is refreshing to know that someone out there "has my back" as it were.
Thank you for the kind words. I will try to keep my chin up. It is for the best.

You're welcome!

Yes, I got your back. And DO keep your chin up!!!

As the saying goes:

Separation/Divorce - Inevitability it seems

MickeyCheeky · Feb 17, 2020 at 11:20 AM

I am so sorry things are being so hard for you, @passivezero!

I COMPLETELY AGREE with ALL the other WISE and WONDERFUL posters. Definitely talk to your Husband first about ALL of this and make him understand what you mean. Hopefully He'll understand! I'd also suggest to consider Couple Counselling before considergin Divorce. However, if you feel like you've already made up your mind, then yes, definitely talk to your Husband about ALL of this! Are you seeing a Therapist? Perhaps that may be of some help as well! In any case, I am wishing the Best of Luck to BOTH you and ALL of your Family! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @passivezero, your Family, your Friends, your Husband, your Son, your Therapists, your Doctors, your Nurses, your Social Workers, your Relatives and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Bill3 · Feb 17, 2020 at 11:21 AM

If feelings of guilt persist, I think it will be worthwhile to attend to them with a therapist.

passivezero · Feb 17, 2020 at 12:33 PM

@MickeyCheeky and @Bill3 I do see a therapist and we've spent the past several sessions going over my feelings of guilt. I have gotten a handle on it, though I know I still have much work to do - nothing is solved over night. I worry about my son, but I know with the proper help from both sides, and also a family therapist to help, he can understand and hopefully thrive in a new family arrangement. This is where my guilt is stemming from, the hardship that my son will face. But I will work hard to make sure that I make him feel as loved and as cared for as he has been since he was born. I steadfastly believe that.

Have Hope · Feb 17, 2020 at 06:28 PM

@passivezero, your son will be OK in the end. It will most likely be tough for him in the beginning. It always is. But he will adjust eventually, and in the end, he will be far better off for witnessing you being much happier than you being not quite yourself and miserable within a dying and distant relationship. Your happiness will show and things will improve, all around. My sister went through a divorce with three young boys, so I have witnessed this first-hand. The boys all eventually adjusted and they're all better off with my sister being far happier. In fact, she was happier the moment she left her husband. Then eventually and after dating some, she found someone else special and they're now engaged to be married. Also, in the end, it is not healthy for a young child's upbringing to witness an unhappy marriage. It can be more damaging. It's better if the child can witness a happy and healthy partnership. So you're doing yourself AND your son a big favor. Know this, and hopefully, find some comfort in this knowledge. Hugs!

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sarahsweets Threadtastic Postaholic Member Since Dec 2018 Location: New Jersey Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!) 5 192 hugs given	Feb 12, 2020 at 10:31 AM #2 Has this been something gradual or more recent? __________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society.
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passivezero Member Member Since Feb 2020 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 43 4 47 hugs given	Feb 12, 2020 at 10:49 AM #3 My feelings of wanting to separate from him have been gradual becoming more and more insistent. I've become more steadfast in my idea that that is what is best for me. It's been more than a year that I have been considering the best path for me, in our relationship. __________________ chords that were broken will vibrate once more - fanny crosby
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Yaowen Grand Magnate Member Since Jan 2020 Location: USA Posts: 3,618 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,475 hugs given	Feb 12, 2020 at 12:41 PM #6 I'm so sorry that you are not happy. It must be so painful for you!
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,924 15 24.1k hugs given	Feb 17, 2020 at 11:21 AM #16 If feelings of guilt persist, I think it will be worthwhile to attend to them with a therapist.
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