Trust issue

Hi,
My husband has a 3 1/2 year old daughter from a woman he used to see every now and then before we got seriously involved. He did not want the child. He has never met the child except for the day she was born. The woman kept sending my husband pictures and videos and my husband enjoyed seing her grow from a distance. I did not think this was a problem. In the beginning of our relationship, I told my husband that if he wanted to meet the child, we could visit them for a day and see how it felt for everyone. He did not want this. At that time, we were planning to move to another country and my husband told me that he might like to host the child at our new home one day when she grew old enough. I made it clear to him that if the child wanted to get to know him, we could together decide how we would go about this but until then, I did not want the ex to come over with her for a short stay. First of all , we live in a small town where everyone knows us and secondly, I do not want another woman and a child in my life. This has lifetime consequences for everyone and I think one should be very careful about it. I also know that the woman had feelings for my husband. Recently, I checked his messages and saw that during Christmas, he texted her to say 'wish you were here' after seing the pictures of his daughter. The woman replied by saying he was intoxicated and that she still had feelings for him. Following this chat, I found out that he invited them over and sent her some hotel suggestions close to our home. She said she would find it difficult knowing he was married but still agreed to do it. I have never been involved in any of this. I decided not to tell my husband that I checked his messages and am waiting for him to tell me. I am very upset because whatever his reasons are, he has not involved me. If I had been in his shoes, I would have been open to him. This is a huge breach of trust for me, and I am afraid I cannot stay with him. If he ignores my feelings now, he will most probably ignore them in the future as well. Although I do love him, I do not feel I can trust him after this. Can you please give me some advice ?

Hello Girlindoubt: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. Welcome to Psych Central.

I don't think your concern is one I can probably be of much help with. There are likely other PC members who will be better able to do so. However I guess what I would say is that, at least from my perspective, you're certainly justified in feeling the way you do about this situation. My personal opinion is that anytime there is secrecy in a marriage, or committed relationship, the relationship is headed for trouble. And the fact that there is a child involved makes the situation just all that much more complex.

I realize this may be difficult but I wonder if, perhaps, the best course of action may just be to "lay-out" what you know to your husband &, if he is agreeable, consider some couples counseling to clear the air & decide where to go from here. That may or may not make sense. But it just strikes me that there has already been too much secrecy & perhaps simply getting it all out in the open may be the way to go. "Let the chips fall where they may", as the saying goes. (Perhaps other members will have better suggestions.) In the meantime here are links to 5 articles from Psych Central's archives. These articles aren't going to address the particular situation you find yourself in. But (hopefully) they may be of some help with putting your situation into perspective & figuring out where to go from here:

What if You Suspect Emotional Infidelity?

The Impact of Secrets and Lies in a Relationship: A Closer Look | Healing Together for Couples

Now That You Know: 10 Tips for Surviving Infidelity

Rebuilding Trust: A Letter to Help Heal Your Relationship After Infidelity, 1 of 2

Restoring Safety: A Letter in Response to the Unfaithful Partner, 2 of 2

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I think secrecy is bad all together. But I don’t think it’s a major concern here. It’s very alarming that your husband had no interest in seeing his minor child for over 3 years.

I’d not be able to date let alone marry a man who has no interest in having relationship with his minor children.

If he didn’t want this child, he had to use condom. Hopefully he knows that unprotected sex leads to children, in this sad case unwanted children. Big price to pay for a little bit of fun

I’d not stay with this guy

Yes, I think follow your heart on this matter @Girlindoubt.

You're not happy are you, with the situation - but the love for your partner is strong.

I think these kinds of moments are make-or-break things, Girlindoubt, but it's up to you if you want to go through the hurt of a break up. You'll manege as we all do but...

As I said, follow your heart or accept how it is.

hugs.

I think the disrespect factor would be a big deal for me. By keeping his life with his ex and baby a secret, it disrespects the role and opinions you have. This seems like a pattern you will experience with this man. Someone who can flake on his own baby for so many years and after some sentimental messages, he is having fantasies of reuniting with them? There is no self-discipline or maturity in this man. Whatever you decide, please don’t ignore the red flags.

Like @Divine said, the fact that he didnt want to know his child is concerning. It would be difficult for me to understand my partner not wanting to deal with his child but if he truly didnt then he should have made arrangements to sign away his rights so he had no obligation to the child. Does he pay child support? On the other hand, I can see why he regrets his choice in not knowing his child and wants to see her now. But secret texts to his ex is not the way to go about it.

Hi Sarahsweets, thank you so much for your input! He had signed away his rights and has no obligations. He does not pay child support. I think he wants to get to know the child but is not quite sure how to do that. I also don't think he fully recognises the responsibility that comes with it :-(

Thank you so much for your kind words !

Thank you for your input! I think he was under the impression that she was on birth control pills. I reckon the woman did not think much of the consequences or the impact of her decision on many lives neither, but she is obviously not my responsibility. It is a mess at the moment:-(

I find his text, "wish you were here", to be a bit fishy and open to interpretation. I would want to know what he meant by that, if he's able to be honest.

Your feelings are valid and justified, @Girlindoubt. I COMPLETELY agree with all the other wise and wonderful posters. I think he's being disrespectful to you at the very least. I think you should bring this up to him and have a REALLY serious talk to Him. I'd suggest to talk to him about ALL of this and see how it goes from there. Hopefully he will understand and try to make amends. In any case, yes, you most likely need to reconsider your relationship with Him. If he's willing to lie to you about this, who knows what else he's willing to lie about? I'd also consider Couple Counselling to work on this but it seems like he's the one who may need it more than you. Still, propose this to Him. I am so sorry for what is happening and I do agree that it is REALLY concerning that he had no interest in seeing his Child for so many years - that's another thing to talk about in my opinion, although I guess everyone is different, but it still seems weird to me that he didn't even try to see her. I hope things will sort themselves out for you and improve REALLY soon! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Girlindoubt, your Family, your Friends, your Husband, his Ex, his Daughter, your Relatives, his Relatives, ALL of His Loved Ones and ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!