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Default Feb 13, 2020 at 11:01 AM
  #1
I've mentioned before, but in short - my dad has a wicked temper which had a certain effect on my childhood and our relationship. Nowadays, I've mostly been content to keep everything civil for appearance's sake, but it's getting harder and I'm not sure why.

I thought that maybe it had to do with this meandering journey of self-discovery I've been on, as I've been re-evaluating a lot of ******** from my childhood. On the other hand, he seems to be trying to get closer to me, and my patience is wearing thin.

Either way, I dunno what to do about this and it's irritating.
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Default Feb 13, 2020 at 11:43 AM
  #2
Wish I had some wisdom to share with you, theoretical, but sadly I am somewhat in the same situation you describe. Hope things work our for you!
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Default Feb 13, 2020 at 01:18 PM
  #3
Well, the choice of whether or not you want to rebuild a meaningful relationship with your Dad is up to you, @theoretical. If you're not interested, then try to keep your distance. I can understand you getting more irritated as you discover more things about your childhood though. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @theoretical, your Family, your Friends, your Father and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Feb 14, 2020 at 10:15 AM
  #4
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If you're not interested, then try to keep your distance. I can understand you getting more irritated as you discover more things about your childhood though.
I've been trying. If I become too distant, then people are bound to get emotional and I'll have to deal with it. Have to find that balance.

I'm not getting irritated about things found in childhood memories, but about his current attempts to bother me. He's trying to change the frame and it's aggravating.
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Default Feb 16, 2020 at 09:29 AM
  #5
It’s exciting that you’re on a self-discovery journey. It takes a lot of guts because a lot of nasty stuff found in yourself and in others gets pulled up. I’m wondering if you have forgiven your dad about how he mistreated you when you were younger? Also what conclusion have you come to in regards to his temper that you experienced as a child? Is it something that still makes you teary eyed or bitter when you think about it?

I’m asking because as much as our adult self is able to understand that our parents were also dealing with a lot of trauma when they raised us (I have both parents who were absent minded raising us)...usually our inner child still needs to make peace with this injustice. The inner child was scorned and true forgiveness (not counting any of his wrongdoings against him) will bring true healing.

He may be a different man now, or maybe he isn’t far off from who he used to be. Either way, it looks like his intentions are to rebuild a relationship with you. This of course will be frustrating for you if you are still holding his charge sheet against him. It takes just a little bit of patience, and trust that even if he hurts you again, you are now the strong, brave, loving adult who will never allow his destructive behaviour to harm you now.
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Default Feb 16, 2020 at 10:56 AM
  #6
Forgiveness is a goal that can take some time to achieve. If you are just now discovering new ****** about your childhood you might find that newly discovered wounds can take longer to forgive.

You might also find the need to forgive over and over. I myself have had that experience. I had forgiven my mother, or so I thought, but then something came up and revived the resentment and I had to forgive her again.
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Default Feb 17, 2020 at 03:45 PM
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I’m wondering if you have forgiven your dad about how he mistreated you when you were younger?
I'm not really sure "forgive" is the correct word. More like it doesn't really bother me. Actually, it's only occurred to me within the past few years that his behavior and my reactions to it were abnormal.

Also what conclusion have you come to in regards to his temper that you experienced as a child?

I've begun to realize that some of my learned behavior may be hang-ups from early childhood experiences. As an example, I keep the vast majority of my opinions to myself, and though I have no anxieties in expressing my opinion, it doesn't come naturally to me. I have to remind myself to speak up in most situations. And I think that's mostly the result of my dad losing his **** over some seemingly innocuous thing I said, or just because I was being loud. Consequently, I learned not to express my true thoughts and to stay quiet.

Also, this isn't an introvert thing, as I'm fairly extroverted.

Is it something that still makes you teary eyed or bitter when you think about it?

No, I think certain emotional deficits may have protected me from any lasting trauma. Nonetheless, I have a lot of learned behavior that needs undoing.

He may be a different man now, or maybe he isn’t far off from who he used to be. Either way, it looks like his intentions are to rebuild a relationship with you.

He still has the occasional temper tantrum, though not so much directed at me, and I actually think he's getting worse in the narcissism department. Or maybe he was always this bad, and I simply didn't realize it when I was younger.

I'm not trying to hold a charge sheet against him. That would imply effort. I just don't want to build a relationship with him, as that would also require effort. To be rudely blunt, I don't value him enough to put in the effort, especially not when he hasn't put in any effort to better himself.

It's the sense of entitlement that angers me. Moreover, he still seems to think of me as a trophy of sorts, which triggers my antisocial habits something fierce.

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Forgiveness is a goal that can take some time to achieve. If you are just now discovering new ****** about your childhood you might find that newly discovered wounds can take longer to forgive.
Forgiveness is one of those things I'm not even quite sure I'm capable of fully understanding, not on the deeper emotional levels of letting go resentment and the like.

I've been down the path of uncovering repressed emotions quite a few times, occasionally with therapists guiding the way, and I've always come up empty handed. Either my emotional landscape is a barren wasteland, or my defense mechanisms are so heavily fortified that no mortal could reach those juicy traumas. Either way, I don't think it's going to do me any good to try to let go of resentment over past actions, as I don't really feel it. All irritation I have now seems to be over current behavior; that is - his attempts to build a relationship with me while other family members pressure me to go along, and also him treating me like a trophy.

If that makes any sense at all.
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Default Feb 17, 2020 at 04:59 PM
  #8
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If that makes any sense at all.
What you said about forgiveness makes sense to me.

What are the options for dealing with his current advances, the accompanying pressure from other family members, and your resentment about being treated as a trophy?
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Default Feb 17, 2020 at 05:43 PM
  #9
Sometimes writing a letter of restorative justice can be very helpful. Restorative justice....says...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU.
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Default Feb 18, 2020 at 10:47 AM
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What you said about forgiveness makes sense to me.

What are the options for dealing with his current advances, the accompanying pressure from other family members, and your resentment about being treated as a trophy?
Phrasing.

I don't know what options I have, which is part of the reason why I'm ranting about it here and not dealing with it. Any overt reaction runs the risk of damaging relationships with other family members by being coldhearted, and brutal honesty has never had any lasting effects on his behavior anyway. Any subtle maneuvering is likely to go over his head.

And the thing is that he doesn't seem to realize (or doesn't care) that he wouldn't have a good relationship with me. He sees me as a particular kind of trophy, and who I actually am is not that. I don't know if he's deluded himself into believing that I am who he wants me to be, or if he thinks that I'll become that.

I'm being vague, so to give an example: On occasions in which he cornered me into more personal conversations, it always leads to him asking why I don't have a boyfriend/husband yet, why I haven't pursued jobs in X field, when's he gonna be a granddad, why I don't take up X hobbies, why I keep rejecting the advances of suitors, etc. Usually I flat-out ignore these, but when I've looked into his motives behind his suggestions, it's often because he had recently talked to Family Member So-and-So who was bragging about their daughter being successful in X career path. He'll obsess about it for months afterwards, demanding that I at least consider X career path as an option (I did once - it was never enough), even going so far as to contact potential employers on my behalf.

He slipped a few times and just straight-up said that he wanted me to attend a family function with him because he wanted to "show me off." He's also openly compared me to other family members with the same antiquated view of Man being head of the household and other members existing only as an extension of him for him to "show off."

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Sometimes writing a letter of restorative justice can be very helpful. Restorative justice....says...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU.
Thanks for the suggestion, but it won't be necessary. As I mentioned, I don't feel any resentment over what happened in the past. The only anger I have now is over what's happening now.
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Default Feb 18, 2020 at 11:09 AM
  #11
Hey @theoretical when you say distant, do you mean as a way to protect yourself? Like you are actively remaining distance to avoid the discomfort of family members treating you poorly? Or do you mean distancing as in isolating and its a behavior that you dont want to have?
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I've been trying. If I become too distant, then people are bound to get emotional and I'll have to deal with it. Have to find that balance.

I'm not getting irritated about things found in childhood memories, but about his current attempts to bother me. He's trying to change the frame and it's aggravating.

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Default Feb 18, 2020 at 11:50 AM
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Hey @theoretical when you say distant, do you mean as a way to protect yourself? Like you are actively remaining distance to avoid the discomfort of family members treating you poorly? Or do you mean distancing as in isolating and its a behavior that you dont want to have?
In practice, "distance" means maintaining a facade of civility with my dad, as long as everything stays on the surface level. It's kinda like the "no politics / no religion" policy that a lot of public discussion places have. It'll keep a fight from breaking out, the trade-off being that you're never really going to get close to someone if you can't discuss any topic in depth.

"Too distant" would mean not evening pretending niceties anymore, ignoring his calls, etc. If I did that, he'd have a **** fit, and then I'd have to hear about it either from him or my mom or someone else in my family.
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Default May 10, 2020 at 12:58 PM
  #13
I've dad issues as well. He controls my life!! He physically and verbally abused me. Verbal abuse is so common now a days that I don't even feel anything. I keep my distance. But I feel.guilty when he talks to me but I don't wanna, so I just reply without interest. Then he gets mad at my behavior. Which then irritates me. Because I'm trying but I cannot force myself and I'm trying to protect myself. I live with him so I've to control my irritation obviously and with a fake smile and attitude reply to.him.... it's not easy. But I cannot completely avoid him bcoz the family environment will become negative and everyone in the family will tell me only to behave properly... I'm just learning to control and keep my calm. I keep saying myself a few more years to.go only... I realised he is a narcissist and his behaviour says more about him than me. He is narrow minded and it has nothing to do with him. .. I cannot make him.understand, I have tried and now I give up... I can only control my reactions and my emotions. So I'm controlling that... So my point being just fake it for your peace, beavuse if we don't he or other family members will shout at us and it will just add to more stress..
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Default May 10, 2020 at 05:32 PM
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