When being helpful has to stop

I'm probably not the only person who is taken advantage of/treated badly because they've been helpful. It feels like a slap in the face.

A neighbour is taking advantage of my generosity. She's recently divorced, with a 12 year old son. He and I talk about sport a lot. Over the past six months I've noticed she wants my help more with financial stuff as she doesn't have a computer. Last Sunday, we sorted out cheaper car insurance. Instead of being pleased, she shouted at me for not getting her name right then accused me of not understanding her culture (Indian). That's when I finally realised I was being used. She's also got me to print out documents for her, not offering to pay towards the printer ink. Here again today, she wanted me to help her sort a birthday present for her older son.

Thankfully, she doesn't just turn up but texts first to see if I'm in. Made her wait today. Also, she's currently off sick from work and sometimes appears confused when talking to me. Not finishing sentences and shoving things in front of me as if I'm a mind reader. I've now decided to take the risk and tell her I'm not in, even when I am.

Am I being heartless in wanting to distance myself from her? When will I learn and keep my distance until learning that not everyone wants to use me.

Hi Poshgirl,

I'm so sorry about the situation you are in. I think your feelings are very understandable.

Oh, she sounds like a nightmare. Yes, just keep saying you're not there. And if she comes round, don't open the door.

It doesn't matter if it's obvious that you're hiding. She is the one who will have to go away and reflect on why a pleasant neighbour has suddenly withdrawn.

It's not your fault at all.

My husband and I had a neighbor like that. He's a lawyer and the neighbor was always coming over to ask for legal advice about some medical bills she couldn't pay. The worst thing was that she was very dense. He'd find himself explaining the same thing over and over. She also got mad when she came to us with this great idea - she was going to offer to agree to a new payment schedule and promise to start paying once she got a job (she was unemployed). When he told her that things don't work that way, she blew up at both of us.

Finally, my husband told her since she was unemployed she should go to the legal aid agency here that helps low-income people. After that we just held that line and said she needed to take up her questions with them. I pity the lawyer at the agency. that was assigned her case.

I don't think you're a bad person for getting tired of that. You are well within your rights to set boundaries with her.

Shouting at you because you made a mistake is absolutely unacceptable, @poshgirl. She should apologize for that. There's nothing wrong with helping other people but you can only do what you can. I feel like it'd be best to be honest with her and tell her that you're not feeling like you're being treated fairly by her. That is just my opinion of course. In any case, I do not think you're doing anything wrong by backing off a little. Hopefully she will understand what you mean. I'd still encourage open communication if that's an option though. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @poshgirl, your Family, your Friends, your Neighbour and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thanks for your very supportive comments.

Switched on mobile phone earlier to find two messages from her already, sent at 0818 today! Charging it is a great reason for not replying. When I finally agree to her coming round again, there will be a comment about me not answering immediately and possibly that I wasn't telling the truth. Did this before, so took her into kitchen to prove washing machine was actually on!

Already wary due to her comments about my not knowing what the neighbours are up to. I'm not one for constantly going in and out of people's houses, especially when they need space due to illness.

She's taking up valuable time, that I should be using for myself, so do need to limit her neediness.

What if you simply say that you are not available now?

You don't need to have or prove a reason that meets with her approval.

Yeah I agree with this.

It's so hard to do the first few times, to tell someone you're not available or to tell them "I can't do that."

And then don't add an explanation or a rationalization. If that seems too tough, practice saying it out loud a few times or something. But your boundaries are most important to you. I hope this helps.

Just got rid of her! Thankfully she only stayed just over 30 minutes. First thing she asked was where I'd been this morning. Reminded her that I'd texted to say phone needed charging. Very glad our lounges are at rear of house, otherwise I think she'd be in the window watching me.....

Wanted me to advise on giving permission for ex to take her younger son to India soon. Told her to contact lawyer, airline or consulate on what she needed to do. Don't have the expertise to advise properly. Of course, I was tactfully suggesting that she did the work herself.

Also had audacity to ask what I was doing tomorrow. Told her I was out; yes it's a lie due to horrible weather forecast in the UK. Then added I was out on Sunday, possibly Monday and part of Tuesday. It's the school's half-term holiday next week so she's got plenty of time to sort out all these issues.

Will see if she's now got the message....

0818 in the morning? That would not fly with me at all! People are taking care of personal things in the morning. You are not a business!

Isnt there a library or post office in town where she can access a computer and print things off?

It seems to me like she is kind of bullying you.

It's unfortunate, but often behaviors that are strange originate in a person due to the cultural messages they were exposed to while growing up. Often a woman like you are describing doesn't know HOW to handle things herself because of how women are treated in their culture. Many of these women don't pick out their husbands and their marriages are arranged for them. There are class messages in that culture too where they are actually encourged to be entitled and expect others to do things for them. It's very possible her husband will take her son back to india and she will never see her son again unless she goes back to india herself. She may have no choice but to do so either because if her husband does abandon her she won't have anyone to support her. She is probably very frightened.

Yeah, after giving this a little more thought, I don't know if she's using you.

She may just be in a bad place and need some help.

I mean, do you like her (in terms of being a friend)? It seems like you don't, but I just wanted to pose the question in case there is some friendship that is possible.

Sounds like your boundaries are being violated to some extent, but it could be beneficial to you (and her) if you set those out more clearly, you know?

Like, what is it exactly about her requests that makes you frustrated?

Block her number. Just say "no". It's not heartless. It's self-care and having BOUNDARIES.

I believe that you know you're being used. The only way to stop the person from continuing her rotten behavior is for you to put a stop to it. Been there and I know it's hard. But set the limit once, twice and you'll feel confident to end the situation. Believe me: she will find someone else to make use of after you stop allowing her to take advantage of you.

Nothing will change at all until you say no and stop taking her calls.

Thanks for the later replies.

Yes, I agree, it could be cultural. Being tactful here, domestic violence is often part of the problem. She seems to lack the ability to confront her issues, no longer attending support groups. Don't know the reason so shouldn't be judgemental as I know these situations aren't anything new.

What's frustrating me is she expects everyone to sort out her problems now she's divorced. Was happy when it first started, now it's almost daily, I'm calling a halt because of impact on what I need to achieve. Everything was fine at first, we had a laugh and as mentioned before, I've talked to her son about sport. She has other friends who advise her, so is not alone. I can still set boundaries without severing all contact. Now her paper recycling bin is spilling contents over shared driveway; she's just driven off and left it for someone else to clear up

It's great that you have so much acceptance in your heart, honestly. But here's the problem. Friendship has to be a two-way thing.

She's unilaterally declared friendship on you!

Just because you were there in her hour of need doesn't mean you have to be stuck with her until she deigns to let you go.

I've faced this myself. Truly, you should have a brutally honest conversation with yourself...

You don't like her!

Thanks for all your replies. I'm now more confident on how to handle this. As my mother observed, you're like me in these situations, except you walk away sooner!

Rather than not like her, I dislike how she's been using me. I admire her for getting out of an abusive relationship but don't like the attitude when something doesn't suit her. Latest problem is ex wants to take son on holiday, so she needs to give permission. Despite my attempts to explain why airline needs permission letter from her, she couldn't get past the need to do it fearing ex will use her passport details against her. After being told (again!) that I didn't understand, I suggested contacting airline, travel agent or consulate/embassy to find out how to do this. Although I know a lot about travel, this isn't an area of expertise.