advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-14-2020, 11:14 AM   #11
Open Eyes
Legendary
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 19,384 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
16.5k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: When being helpful has to stop

It's unfortunate, but often behaviors that are strange originate in a person due to the cultural messages they were exposed to while growing up. Often a woman like you are describing doesn't know HOW to handle things herself because of how women are treated in their culture. Many of these women don't pick out their husbands and their marriages are arranged for them. There are class messages in that culture too where they are actually encourged to be entitled and expect others to do things for them. It's very possible her husband will take her son back to india and she will never see her son again unless she goes back to india herself. She may have no choice but to do so either because if her husband does abandon her she won't have anyone to support her. She is probably very frightened.
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Old 02-14-2020, 04:23 PM   #12
WastingAsparagus
Veteran Member
 
WastingAsparagus's Avatar
WastingAsparagus going places again
 
Member Since: Mar 2014
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 625
5 yr Member
141 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: When being helpful has to stop

Yeah, after giving this a little more thought, I don't know if she's using you.

She may just be in a bad place and need some help.

I mean, do you like her (in terms of being a friend)? It seems like you don't, but I just wanted to pose the question in case there is some friendship that is possible.

Sounds like your boundaries are being violated to some extent, but it could be beneficial to you (and her) if you set those out more clearly, you know?

Like, what is it exactly about her requests that makes you frustrated?
WastingAsparagus is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 02-14-2020, 06:35 PM   #13
Have Hope
Grand Member
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 925
2 yr Member
498 hugs
given
Default Re: When being helpful has to stop

Block her number. Just say "no". It's not heartless. It's self-care and having BOUNDARIES.
__________________
Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet. To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 02-14-2020, 06:51 PM   #14
BethRags
Magnate
 
BethRags's Avatar
BethRags is practicing healthy breathing.
 
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown California
Posts: 2,020 (SuperPoster!)
1,811 hugs
given
Default Re: When being helpful has to stop

I believe that you know you're being used. The only way to stop the person from continuing her rotten behavior is for you to put a stop to it. Been there and I know it's hard. But set the limit once, twice and you'll feel confident to end the situation. Believe me: she will find someone else to make use of after you stop allowing her to take advantage of you.
__________________
Peace,
Beth




dx: Bipolar 1 Disorder; CPTSD

BethRags is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 02-14-2020, 07:03 PM   #15
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 3,577 (SuperPoster!)
1 yr Member
138 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: When being helpful has to stop

Nothing will change at all until you say no and stop taking her calls.
__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 02-15-2020, 06:40 AM   #16
poshgirl
Member
poshgirl has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: Birmingham UK
Posts: 87
1 yr Member
4 hugs
given
Default Re: When being helpful has to stop

Thanks for the later replies.

Yes, I agree, it could be cultural. Being tactful here, domestic violence is often part of the problem. She seems to lack the ability to confront her issues, no longer attending support groups. Don't know the reason so shouldn't be judgemental as I know these situations aren't anything new.

What's frustrating me is she expects everyone to sort out her problems now she's divorced. Was happy when it first started, now it's almost daily, I'm calling a halt because of impact on what I need to achieve. Everything was fine at first, we had a laugh and as mentioned before, I've talked to her son about sport. She has other friends who advise her, so is not alone. I can still set boundaries without severing all contact. Now her paper recycling bin is spilling contents over shared driveway; she's just driven off and left it for someone else to clear up
poshgirl is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 02-15-2020, 12:10 PM   #17
Purple,Violet,Blue
Magnate
 
Purple,Violet,Blue's Avatar
Purple,Violet,Blue has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2017
Location: Britain
Posts: 2,746 (SuperPoster!)
2 yr Member
9,705 hugs
given
Default Re: When being helpful has to stop

It's great that you have so much acceptance in your heart, honestly. But here's the problem. Friendship has to be a two-way thing.

She's unilaterally declared friendship on you!

Just because you were there in her hour of need doesn't mean you have to be stuck with her until she deigns to let you go.

I've faced this myself. Truly, you should have a brutally honest conversation with yourself...

You don't like her!
Purple,Violet,Blue is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 02-17-2020, 03:35 AM   #18
poshgirl
Member
poshgirl has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: Birmingham UK
Posts: 87
1 yr Member
4 hugs
given
Default Re: When being helpful has to stop

Thanks for all your replies. I'm now more confident on how to handle this. As my mother observed, you're like me in these situations, except you walk away sooner!

Rather than not like her, I dislike how she's been using me. I admire her for getting out of an abusive relationship but don't like the attitude when something doesn't suit her. Latest problem is ex wants to take son on holiday, so she needs to give permission. Despite my attempts to explain why airline needs permission letter from her, she couldn't get past the need to do it fearing ex will use her passport details against her. After being told (again!) that I didn't understand, I suggested contacting airline, travel agent or consulate/embassy to find out how to do this. Although I know a lot about travel, this isn't an area of expertise.
poshgirl is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:24 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

advertisement

Psych Central Forums

Psych Central is the leading mental health website, overseen by mental health professionals since 1995.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.
Please read the full disclaimer.