Why doesn't she want to be with me?

I am alone. There is no , no, no , no and no in my life. I still think about her. It is more than a decade, after I last saw her. I didn't have any relationship in that time. I considered her to be a woman of my life, but she saw that otherwise. She expressed her disinterest to me very clearly. I couldn't take it. But I need to move on. I need to find someone to be in my life. But how can I do it? I was convinced that she was the one person in my life. Why isn't she the one? And who else can I find? I am getting older and more anxious and staying single with zero experiences. My disappointment over my life is obese. I fell like a loser. I don't want to be a loser. I want to win a heart of a girl, who is supposed to be in my life. Sometimes I am so desperate, that I just want any girl in my life. Including her. But she doesn't seem to be healthy for me. So I avoid looking for her here on the internet. I try to forget her, but I can't. Even she told me that I should forget her. But I don't like to be told things. I don't want to be forced. And I won't forget her- it is just ridiculous to do that. But at least I could lower her importance on my life and make a room in my mind for someone new. ... My life is empty. I feel empty almost the whole time, since I last saw her. She colored my life. I don't know how to fill this emptiness. I became numb, cynical, angry. My life is lame. It was always lame, except very early childhood and two years in college. Why is there so much lameness in my life and so little joy? How to turn that around? I am not good enough. I am not good enough to feel good. I need someone in my life to feel good. This is lame. This is pathetic. I don't wish to live like that any longer.

I’m sorry your hurting

If your still having these feelings 10 years later I would suggest you see a Therapist and start processing the pain and loss.. you need to move on and they can help

Sorry you are struggling. I also recommend therapy. 10 years is a long time to grieve a relationship (if it was a relationship).

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Therapy or a support group might help. We can't answer why she doesn't want to be with you, but I'm sorry it's so hard for you to accept.

Don't even try to answer why she did not wish to be with you. Please get some professional therapy support. They can really help you to move past this.

Of all the women I have been with, and I am sorry to report that that is a fairly sizable number, tragically, there are one or two that I do still think about regularly. Neither was a nice person, to be charitable. Both ended badly. I felt and feel I was mistreated. I believe that the fact that both ended so very unsatisfactorily for me, that I never got to say my piece and express myself, so on, is probably a big reason why, all these years later, I still think about these most unkind, not very good people.

The good news is that these memories cause me no pain now. Occasional, short-lived aggravation, perhaps, but it is really no problem. The Power has been taken out of it.

I sincerely hope that you can get to a place where the power has been taken out of this relationship you had. You need to move on with your life. You deserve that.

Thank you. I actually started a therapy which deals with emotional freedom technique 4 months ago. It wasn't even a relationship, but I got obsessed about her anyway. She was so closed of and didn't share much about her, which made it easy for me to develop a fantasy. And because I didn't know so much about her it was easy to maintain the fantasy. I didn't want to destroy the fantasy, so I always avoided telling her how I felt, so that I didn't get rejected at the beginning. But the school period ended, so we didn't see each other anymore. I finally e-mailed her and told her how I felt, but she was brutally honest as she told me that I was not important for her life and that I was making hate out of love by following her. When she said that I shouldn't write her anymore, I got angry and e-mailed her some really bad things. After that she said she wishes me all the best. As she seemed too much annoyed with me I didn't write her for seven years. I wrote her a couple of nice emails three years ago and got an email from her, in which she said that she was sorry and that she wasn't interested in me. She also said that she was not the person I imagined her to be. I knew that. I wanted to know more about her so that I couldn't imagine her the wrong way. In the same mail she told me that this was the last mail I would receive from her in my lifetime, which seemed to me really extreme. I felt deeply wounded by her. I also got conditioned to experience those emotional stabs, because I wanted to know why she behaved towards me like that. But then I stopped emailing her and googling her name and watching photos of her. Three years later I am terrified to look at the photo of her, as I am afraid that by doing that it would drag me to obsessive mode. It is better to write this down, to start speaking to others about this and leave her alone. Perhaps she will leave my mind by typing her out. It is time. As I am typing this I realize that she was really not a good girl for me, as I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was. I exaggerated in my previous post that I was sometimes so desperate that I would want any girl in my life, but I sometimes I lower my standards of what I want. I actually made standards for what type of girl I want in my life based on my fantasies about her. So, sometimes I need to lower my standards simply because I don't know how realistic my standards are. But sometimes I just wish to be with a good healthy girl, who would treat me nice and sometimes I am afraid that I would lose my mind over a girl and be blind to red flags.

Hi nonindentifyable. Firstly I want to say that I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time getting over this girl and finding a suitable girlfriend. I really hope you find someone who's right for you. But I think you need to take a close look at why your previous behavior may have been off-putting for this girl. Developing a fantasy around someone isn't healthy for either of you. I'm sure she felt like you weren't really in love with her, but some fantasy idea of her that didn't really exist.

Anyway I hope you discuss these issues with your therapist because I think it'll help your chances at a future relationship. Take care.

I'm sorry, but I have to be brutally honest here. Your obsessiveness and fantasy of this girl became stalker like. She initially told you she wasn't interested and made it clear she didn't wish to hear from you/to stop following her. Then you emailed again... several mean emails? Then years later, you email again? You're lucky she didn't put a restraining order on you. I had a guy do this to me, and it was very very creepy! I did put a restraining order on him, after a while. Your reaction to her rejection of you is also inappropriate. It's understandable to feel hurt over a rejection, but then to email several mean notes to her as a result? 10 years is also a very long time to obsess over someone that you weren't in a relationship with. I am glad you are seeking help. I do advise that you seek a professional's help with getting past this obsession. It's not healthy.

I wrote hear a mean email, when she had told me, that I was not important for her life, which was the most mean thing, that was ever said to me. And it hurt me even more to receive this from the person, that I saw to be the most important in my life. I don't see a reason for her to get a restraining order because shortly after my mean emails we both lived in different countries. After seven years I wrote only some nice emails like a birthday wish and expressing how much I was attracted to her from the very beginning. She accused me of following her, as I wanted to spend with her as much time as possible, because I really enjoyed that time even if we just talked empty talk for hours. Her voice was like a voice of a Siren to me. She also gave me mixed information about what she felt towards me. I remember her saying that she would like to go on a vacation to my place, which really overwhelmed my mind. With such statements she gradually made my brain totally unhealthy. She loved bomb me with compliments. I felt she was very fond of me as well. I acknowledge that many things I did was wrong. I even apologized to her several times. I acknowledge that I have trouble letting go of control and possessiveness. We were both very young and inexperienced at that time. I didn't have the communication and social skills. I realize that she saw me as a creep. But I was never physically abusive, I never yelled at her or used any inappropriate words with the exception of couple of e-mails, which I thought would be the last contact with her. Then I have stayed "sober" for the next seven years and didn't write to her until I had a really desperate situation in my life. She immediately terminated her Facebook profile and after some emails she terminated her email account as well. I decided then to let her go and to focus on self-improvement. Last year I started to communicate about this. It was about time.

If this was the meanest thing she said to you then she is not mean at all. Since you were not ever a "couple", despite the complements, etc, that was the point in the relationship that you needed to try to stop communicating with her. Complements don't always mean someone is "into" you. Many people give them out to everyone they talk with (but mean it) as a way to brighten other people's days. Perhaps those fantasies were about distracting yourself from yourself? It sounds like you need to learn to learn to love and accept youself. In a good relationship--we don't get overly needy, we learn to be as comfortable with ourselves when we are by ourselves as when we are together (you enjoy being together but also enjoy time apart). Sometimes if we need the other person too much then we can end up compromising our own needs so it is important to look at what is going on inside when a "relationship" doesn't feel right. Perhaps what happened it the wake up call you needed. Figuring out why you feel that way will help you have a healthier real relationship someday.

Hey @nonindentifyable:

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Originally Posted by nonindentifyable I wrote hear a mean email, when she had told me, that I was not important for her life, which was the most mean thing, that was ever said to me. And it hurt me even more to receive this from the person, that I saw to be the most important in my life. I don't see a reason for her to get a restraining order because shortly after my mean emails we both lived in different countries. After seven years I wrote only some nice emails like a birthday wish and expressing how much I was attracted to her from the very beginning. She accused me of following her, as I wanted to spend with her as much time as possible, because I really enjoyed that time even if we just talked empty talk for hours. Her voice was like a voice of a Siren to me. She also gave me mixed information about what she felt towards me.

You say you talked for hours so were you just close friends? How did she give you mixed information?

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I remember her saying that she would like to go on a vacation to my place, which really overwhelmed my mind. With such statements she gradually made my brain totally unhealthy. She loved bomb me with compliments. I felt she was very fond of me as well.

It sounds like you are putting the responsibility of your behavior onto her. You are saying she loved bombed you- how did she do that? You say she made your brain unhealthy, how did she do that?

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I acknowledge that many things I did was wrong. I even apologized to her several times. I acknowledge that I have trouble letting go of control and possessiveness. We were both very young and inexperienced at that time. I didn't have the communication and social skills. I realize that she saw me as a creep. But I was never physically abusive, I never yelled at her or used any inappropriate words with the exception of couple of e-mails, which I thought would be the last contact with her.

Stalking does qualify for a restraining order. You say you were not abusive and didnt physically hurt her but someone doesnt have to do those things in order for someone to be afraid of them.

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Then I have stayed "sober" for the next seven years and didn't write to her until I had a really desperate situation in my life. She immediately terminated her Facebook profile and after some emails she terminated her email account as well.

This is very important. She erased her facebook and email because she was so uncomfortable with your obsession. That is a big deal. Its a huge pain to change email addresses, so she must have been very afraid.

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I decided then to let her go and to focus on self-improvement. Last year I started to communicate about this. It was about time.

It sounds like you are unwilling to see your part in all of this. You will have a hard time moving on and avoiding a repeat if you do not see how your behavior was frightening to her.

Hi and thanks for this. We were school-mates and for some time we were also living in the same house. We also went to same parties. I said once to her that I want to be her friend hoping that that would evolve into something better, but she replied that that wasn't possible. I asked her why. She said that because I was forcing her to be friends. I thought that I wasn't clear enough with my intentions so then I wrote her a message saying that I wish to be her husband. I checked her facebook a few hours later and saw the post of her saying "Aaaaaa! I found my mobile phone and got a charm from someone. " So, I mean, it seems clearly that it was not everything in my mind. I would like to take my part of responsibility but I deny that everything is my responsibility and that she is perfect and pure. It also doesn't help my situation to think that she is perfect, innocent and pure. It leads to obsession. I acknowledge her fears. It seems that she was very afraid of me. But before deleting her email account she wrote to me that she had another email account, so by writing me that she made it look like it wasn't a big deal to her. She seemed very strong and determined. There were more people who fell in love with her, but they eventually found her to be too annoying. I was the most persistent one, so that even her female friends started rooting for me, as I almost decided to quit pursuing her. I tried to move on but we were still schoolmates and I had to still see her at school. I was in very difficult situation, feeling trapped as she was the loudest one in class.

P.S. If I made her feel fear, she made me feel obsessed. It seems quite clear to me that we both have the same amount of responsibility to take.

No one is responsible for your obsession except for you. She made it clear many times that she was annoyed by you stalking her. She shut down her email eventually and her Facebook. I think you’ve read into her overtures of any niceness towards you. It seems clear that she didn’t want to pursue a friendship with you. You ask why she wasn’t interested? You harassed her to the point where she had to shut you off permanently. You need to own up to the fact that you pushed things too far with this person due to an obsession and you’re still obsessed 10 years later. This is a problem and unless you own up to your behavior it’s going to continue.

Okay than, I take responsibility for my obsession, but I am not taking responsibility for her fear. My emotions are mine and I will deal with them, her emotions are her problem. But I want to say that I didn't even want to feel towards her, what I felt. I didn't want to fell in love with her, but I fell and I felt deeply ashamed of it. I didn't like the fact that my mind was so deeply overwhelmed by her and that she didn't feel that so deeply. I didn't want her fake niceness, I wanted truth. If she wouldn't be so nice, I wouldn't have so much problem with obsessing with her. If she would show her darker side to me, it would be easier for me to wake up. It is like she wanted me to see her perfect, to be obsessed by her but I didn't want that. At the end I was the one who show my darker side by emails. She refused to do that. I don't know why. I don't see the point why she needs to seem perfect to me. She needed to portray this image of all-loving girl. She even said in front of schoolmates that she loves everyone. When I said to her that I liked her, she replied that she liked everyone. She also said to me that we were all equal, but three days later she said that she was on a higher level and that I was lower. Isn't that gaslighting?

You stalked her and harassed her. You are responsible for her fear of you. She had to cut all contact with you. You really need a professional to help you with this. Maybe someone else can help better than me.

The fact is you liked a person and although she might have said a few very nice things to you she made it clear she was not interested in you, you emailed etc , you pushed and pushed now she does fear you .. if someone were to do the same to you as you did to her you would also feel fear.

Do you have a mother , sister or female friend ?? If so how would you think they would feel being persued when they clearly are NOT interested in someone ??

So you liked her she didn’t return it
, instead of you just moving on .. you obsessed about her now 10 years later, your still questioning why she didn’t like you ...

She didn’t like you simply because she didn’t, she didn’t need a reason she just didn’t. The end.

Now you have wasted 10 years thinking about her, that’s not life , don’t you want more ? A girl who will love you ?

So drag yourself into a Therapists office and tell them this story and they can help you sort out where things went wrong and learn what a proper relationship is.

Or you can continue to question why one girl out of billons of girls on this planet isn’t interested in you and wonder this another 10 years.

You cant say emotions are hers as if she had a choice to feel another way but chose to feel fear. That is not how it works. You say her niceness made you love her? So people cant be nice to someone because they will fall in love with them? Should we go around being nasty to everyone out of fear they would fall in love with us? I dont mean to sound harsh or insensitive but because we are dealing with stalking I tend to be more blunt. This is not a case of her leading you on or a mutual issue. This is a case of stalking, obsession and her fear and having to go dark on the internet to feel safe. That is not normal. And I encourage you to try and be objective with this and see how 10 years of these thoughts are totally inappropriate for anyone.

I asked this question, because this was the deepest experience that I had with a girl and I have the trouble to grasp the full lesson out of. It would be much easier to call her an ex, but it is hard to tell what she felt towards me, before she felt fear. She knew the whole year, that I was in love with her as her friends teased her. So she knew I was in love with her and she was still nice to me. Why would you be nice to someone, who is in love with you, if you don't want him? She knew this for a whole year and let me live with the false hope. So it made me mad, when she refused me, as I wasted the whole year of my life. I typed to her some unpleasant messages. I had really trouble communicating with girls afterwards. After seven years I still didn't manage to find a girlfriend, so I thought that there was still some unfinished business. I thought that my mail would finally prove to her how important she was for me, but it had different impact on her as I expected. Of course I want someone to love me, but I don't know how that would be possible. I was really crazy about her up to the point that I would sacrifice my life to her. What more can you do for a girl, who you love. So I felt very humiliated that I was willing to do anything for her and she didn't even want that. What more can you offer? Rejection hurts and yes I agree that my emails after that were unnecessary. The problem is that I don't know about her moving on. I really hope that she finds the guy she can be happy with even if that is not me. If she has another one, there is no more of my interest in her, it is so simple. That is how I have always felt towards her. I have always loved her, but I hated to love her, so it is complicated. And because I hate to love her, I can also say I don't care about her. It is like you feel something that you don't want to feel and because you refuse to accept it it gets stronger and out of control. And then even love becomes destructive. It is hard to me to accept that I have emotions of love, it makes me feel weak, ashamed, effeminate and afraid of being mocked. I'll try to accept my emotions in the future, so they won't get out of control. I don't see if there is anything I can do about her fear, as she doesn't even want me to contact her. It seems that me not interfering with her life is the best I can do. So she'll have to deal with her fear on her own anyway. Sorry. I am really sorry. I feel bad for her feeling fear, I would prefer she would feel otherwise. But I don't see any option that I could repair the damage I have done, so what now?