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bpfighter250
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Default Feb 17, 2020 at 04:19 PM
  #1
I am having difficulties with my boyfriend. We have been together for about 10 months. In the beginning of our relationship he seemed to be really grateful to be with me. He would tell me a lot how thankful he was to be with me and said he would try to always make sure I was taken care of. These days I feel like he is taking me more for granted. On Valentine's day I said I didn't want to exchange gifts but I told him a day before I had gotten him a card, trying to send a hint that a card or some other way of communicating his feelings is what I wanted. I get that that may have been indirect but he definitely knows how much I appreciate sentimental words. He did not get me a card nor did he tell me anything sweet until after he read the card I wrote him and when he did it was a quick few words echoing back what I had told him (nothing original). I feel like lately he has been distracted because he has gotten a canker sore on his uvula and he cannot tolerate the pain it's causing him. He was thinking of not even doing anything on Valentine's day but in the end decided to follow up on our plans to revisit the place where we first met. While we were there however I felt he was somewhat distant and distracted. I have felt like everything is kind of like a crisis for him. He has been working longer hours and is thinking of changing jobs for the second time because he feels frustrated at his job and doesn't like working with his bosses. He has an older brother who we hang out with sometimes and when we do it is always a disaster because this brother has temper tantrums and my boyfriend always freaks out when this happens and it is a new crisis. My boyfriend gets road rage every time we drive somewhere and curses when people are driving too slow. I am kind of a sensitive person when it comes to expressions of anger and it has been hard to sit through all of this. I don't think I would mind it as much but I feel like through all of the anger and crisis it is hard for him to find mental space to show me love and affection. I love words of affirmation and most of the time the texts he sends me are so short. When I suggested we go rock climbing together again he just liked the message instead of sending a real response. It's like he is choosing to disregard my style and preferences despite knowing what I like. I feel like I am always sacrificing myself for him. I skipped my workout last week because I needed to calm him down after a stressful day at work. I talk to him on the phone every day even when it's not convenient for me. I text him late at night when he goes out and misses me despite needing to sleep. I am in the mental health field and so I am very in tune with emotions and feelings but he does not seem comfortable approaching this subject or talking about it. I feel like when I was dating before meeting him I dated people who seemed more happy and passionate about their careers. They had a more positive energy and seemed to have more respect for what I did. Not everyone was like that but there were some. I wonder if I am missing out on something better and more compatible for me. What I liked about him when we met was how easy it was to talk to him. We had an immediate connection and chemistry. I think that is still there but we have some very serious differences. I spoke to him and brought up the continual crisis thing and he was initially defensive but later said he would try and make changes. But I have no idea what those changes will look like or whether he has any concrete plans to do so.
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Default Feb 17, 2020 at 04:54 PM
  #2
It sounds like you are putting in all the effort without getting reciprocation. I had a bf once who said he would never take me for granted, and then ended up doing just that. It's almost as though your bf knows he has taken people for granted in the past.

So why not break up if you're not getting what you need? You're not engaged or married and there's no sense in wasting your energy and time on someone who doesn't give you what you need and want. What's holding you back from just ending it?

And I think you saying you got him a card for Valentine's Day was a perfect moment for him to think, aha! I should at least get her a card. The fact that he didn't and that he only had a mere few words to say in reply speaks VOLUMES.

I would dump him. In this case, the grass IS greener on the other side.

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Default Feb 17, 2020 at 10:36 PM
  #3
To me it is just disappointing that he could not come up with some kind of expression of affection for his girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
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Default Feb 18, 2020 at 03:49 AM
  #4
Maybe the both of you have different communication styles? It sounds like you are missing each other’s cries. Don’t be discouraged though, it just takes open and honest communication of each other’s needs. Affection and appreciation is big for you; try expressing this, how it feels like when you don’t get it and examples of what it would look like.

He sounds like he has a lot on his mind and he is bottling most of it inside. Find out how he prefers to communicate his feelings and what type of support he needs from you right now. How can you help him and examples of what it would look like for you to bring him some peace.

The more of these conversations you both have, the more satisfying you will find your relationship. It’s awkward at first but after a while it will feel safe.
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Default Feb 18, 2020 at 04:05 AM
  #5
I don't think you should be upset if you said not to exchange Valentine's gifts and he took you at your word. Personally, I take people's words at face value and don't think it's fair for other people not to.

However, the anger thing would really bother me. A bad temper is something I don't deal with well.

I guess at this point you have to evaluate if you're getting what you need from this relationship. If not, it may be time to end it.
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Default Feb 18, 2020 at 04:26 AM
  #6
Hey @bpfighter250
Quote:
Originally Posted by bpfighter250 View Post
On Valentine's day I said I didn't want to exchange gifts but I told him a day before I had gotten him a card, trying to send a hint that a card or some other way of communicating his feelings is what I wanted. I get that that may have been indirect but he definitely knows how much I appreciate sentimental words. He did not get me a card nor did he tell me anything sweet until after he read the card I wrote him and when he did it was a quick few words echoing back what I had told him (nothing original).
This is not something I think you should be upset about. Everything else aside, he was just taking you at your word.
Quote:
I feel like lately he has been distracted because he has gotten a canker sore on his uvula and he cannot tolerate the pain it's causing him. He was thinking of not even doing anything on Valentine's day but in the end decided to follow up on our plans to revisit the place where we first met. While we were there however I felt he was somewhat distant and distracted.
I do not think plans on Valentine's day should be something you worry about. But him being distracted and all...does this happen in other situations or was it just there?
Quote:
My boyfriend gets road rage every time we drive somewhere and curses when people are driving too slow. I am kind of a sensitive person when it comes to expressions of anger and it has been hard to sit through all of this. I don't think I would mind it as much but I feel like through all of the anger and crisis it is hard for him to find mental space to show me love and affection.
Aggressive driving is not something I can deal with either because it is so dangerous.
Quote:
I love words of affirmation and most of the time the texts he sends me are so short. When I suggested we go rock climbing together again he just liked the message instead of sending a real response. It's like he is choosing to disregard my style and preferences despite knowing what I like.
Has it always been this way with texting or is it recent?
Quote:
I feel like I am always sacrificing myself for him. I skipped my workout last week because I needed to calm him down after a stressful day at work. I talk to him on the phone every day even when it's not convenient for me. I text him late at night when he goes out and misses me despite needing to sleep. I am in the mental health field and so I am very in tune with emotions and feelings but he does not seem comfortable approaching this subject or talking about it.
It sounds like he expects you to sit around waiting for him to need you and be available when he does.
Quote:
I feel like when I was dating before meeting him I dated people who seemed more happy and passionate about their careers. They had a more positive energy and seemed to have more respect for what I did. Not everyone was like that but there were some. I wonder if I am missing out on something better and more compatible for me. What I liked about him when we met was how easy it was to talk to him. We had an immediate connection and chemistry. I think that is still there but we have some very serious differences. I spoke to him and brought up the continual crisis thing and he was initially defensive but later said he would try and make changes. But I have no idea what those changes will look like or whether he has any concrete plans to do so.
It definitely sounds like you are unhappy. It doesnt really matter which incident is the issue overall you are not satisfied. I think these are indicators that its time to move on. I do not think you need to consider anything but yourself. The decision should be in your best interest. We cant change people, even though we think we can. He has already shown you what he is capable of. You shouldnt stay with someone with the hopes that they will change.

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Default Feb 18, 2020 at 07:40 AM
  #7
It doesn’t sound like you are a good match.
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Default Feb 18, 2020 at 07:55 AM
  #8
I am so sorry things are being so hard for you and your Boyfriend, @bpfighter250! I COMPLETELY AGREE with ALL the other wise and wonderful posters! You have to decide whether or not this Relationship is bringing you Happiness or not. I'd talk to Him about ALL of this and see how it goes from there. Hopefully He will understand what you mean and try to change for BOTH of You! Make him understand that you're feeling Unhappy in your Relationship currently and that you want things to change for the best! Hopefully He'll understand what you mean and try to change for the best for BOTH of You! Let us know how it goes and if things get better for BOTH of You! I hope things will improve REALLY soon for BOTH of You! In any case, give it a thought. Perhaps you can also consider Couple Counselling, but honestly if it comes to that point, it may be more convenient to just end it, at least for the moment. That is just my opinion though of course! I am wishing you the BEST of ALL possible Luck to BOTH of You no matter what decision and what road you will decide to take in the End! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @bpfighter250, your Family, your Friends, your Boyfriend and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Feb 18, 2020 at 12:15 PM
  #9
I don't think that a gift was necessary either. A card would have been nice since OP mentioned that.

The main thing, though, to me, is that it is disappointing that this guy cannot, or does not, find some way to make his girlfriend feel special on Valentine's Day.
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Default Feb 18, 2020 at 05:43 PM
  #10
Some people are very literal and need things spelled out.

Personally my family doesn’t do greeting cards. So if someone says I don’t want gift exchange, I’d not buy a gift. But I am not a mind reader. I can’t possibly know that the person wants a card. We don’t do cards.

Many people don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day and don’t make a big deal out of it.

I’d not worry about him and gifts but worry about him being angry and rage prone
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