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Lloyda
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Confused Feb 17, 2020 at 09:40 PM
  #1
I am in a long term relationship with someone that I cannot talk to when it comes to anything of significance in terms of how I feel, good or bad. There is a conversation we need to have but I literally cannot speak whenever the opportunity arises. I can think of the words in my head when he’s not around but as soon as I’m face to face with him my mind goes blank, almost like a heavy cloud in my head and chest. I cannot say anything and when I try I say something so dumb it only makes him mad. Today I drove around for a half hour then sat in my car for fifteen minutes to avoid contact and when I got inside and thought I might be able to at least say “Can we talk” I couldn’t even get that out. I have shared this with him but he doesn’t believe me and thinks I’m trying to hide something. What is this?
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Smile Feb 18, 2020 at 01:58 PM
  #2
Here's a link to DocJohn's article, from PC's archives, on the subject of why people sometimes can't say what they feel. And then there are links to 2 articles one that talks about signs a person grew up with childhood emotional neglect (one of these being difficulty expressing emotions) & one that offers suggestions for how to communicate your feelings. Perhaps something in these articles may ring a bell for you, as the saying goes:

10 Reasons You Can't Say How You Feel

7 Signs You Grew Up With Childhood Emotional Neglect

How to Communicate Your Feelings | Happily Imperfect


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Default Feb 20, 2020 at 12:15 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lloyda View Post
I am in a long term relationship with someone that I cannot talk to when it comes to anything of significance in terms of how I feel, good or bad. There is a conversation we need to have but I literally cannot speak whenever the opportunity arises. I can think of the words in my head when he’s not around but as soon as I’m face to face with him my mind goes blank, almost like a heavy cloud in my head and chest. I cannot say anything and when I try I say something so dumb it only makes him mad. Today I drove around for a half hour then sat in my car for fifteen minutes to avoid contact and when I got inside and thought I might be able to at least say “Can we talk” I couldn’t even get that out. I have shared this with him but he doesn’t believe me and thinks I’m trying to hide something. What is this?
Idk your reasons for your inability to talk about things with him but I'll be honest, it doesn't sound like an ideal situation with this person for a relationship. First thing that I asked in my head about this was "is he unapproachable regarding such things?" and then you mentioned he just gets mad which seems to me to allude to part of your fear in speaking up. "he doesn't believe me..." sounds like there isn't a level of trust between the two of you that is really critical to a successful relationship. unfortunately with what little you've said it's hard to even say much more than I have but figuring out what it is that is the disconnect between you two is vitally important.
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Default Feb 21, 2020 at 07:23 AM
  #4
Is he difficult to share things with? Does he share anything of importance himself? If he doesn't share or if he gets angry with you for sharing, perhaps that's why it's so difficult for you? As said above, it's hard to know with so little information. Can you tell us more about what is happening in your relationship that makes it hard for you to talk to him?

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Default Feb 23, 2020 at 06:34 PM
  #5
From what you wrote you sound really scared of disappointing him. I grew up being terrified of my father. I would rehearse what I wanted to say multiple times before I approach him (especially money matters). I would try and see what mood he’s in and try to speak at the perfect moment (it was always difficult to tell). But I believe it was because my dad had a temper but more than that, all I wanted was for him to love me and accept me. So I feared receiving rejection from him. Sometimes I would talk myself out of voicing my opinion if I felt it would start a debate or confrontation. That’s how much I didn’t want to compromise how he saw me.

This led me to substance abuse and now I’m on the recovery side (yay!). But honestly, being a people pleaser, or seeking to be seen, loved, validated, approved by someone is suppressing your needs, your voice, your desires. It’s not worth the toxic life it brings. Most of the times I believe the people’s we are trying to please don’t even notice our effort and how much energy it takes for us to just be normal around them.

For me this was my dad, so I couldn’t break up with him. But to be in a relationship with someone is a choice. I sincerely hope you see that this relationship is toxic for you. You shouldn’t be scared of your partner or feel the need to be more than who you are around them. They should be your safe place. ❤️
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