Family secrets

I found out my dad wasn't my biological father when I was 20, and that everybody knew except myself.. I felt very betrayed because half of my family wasnt really blood relation .. but more so because they all knew and I never did.
I always felt left out when I was a kid. My mother was always very mean towards me.. and now i honestly believe its because she hated my father. Now I know about everything, she says how vindictive and evil he was.. then in another sentence will say I'm like him in many ways. She thinks it's disgusting that I would ever want to talk to him etc.

Well today there is social media and so many of my real family members are reaching out with photos of us together when I was a baby etc. I found out where my red hair came from, that I have a brother and that I'm half Irish! But I feel so much guilt about it all! They post on my facebook and my mother laughs about it and mocks that I talk to people who didn't make an effort beforehand.

I have so many emotions about it.. and I haven't told anybody about these things

How do I navigate through this? I feel sad and happy about it.. but so much guilt to my family who are here. (We moved to a different country). Sigh.

There is nothing wrong with you learning about your genetic roots. Actually, that happens to be something MANY people like to know which is why so many have submitted their DNA so they can trace their ancesters.

It's ok if you spend time leaning about your blood relatives. Ignore what your mother thinks or says. You have every right to investigate and learn. And if your actual father was a jerk, well, could have been due to how he was raised. We can inherit "some" traits, some things are genetic, not all of who we are is genetic.

I'm sorry that your family treat you this way. You deserve love and support. I have Irish in me.

You deserve to be loved and supported for the wonderful human being you are. Explore away. Don't listen to the background noise. Remember, we do not get to pick our parents.

You are navigating through this & there is no reason to stop. I would not share your journey with your mom (if possible) if she is not able to be kind and supportive for you.
It will always be a part of you.