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RosesAreRed487
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Trig Feb 19, 2020 at 01:47 AM
  #1
So my best friend met her boyfriend in our senior year of high school and at first everything seemed fine. They took it really slowly and after about 4 months of just dating they finally made it official. There were only a few problems after that like this girl he use to be with not leaving them alone and trying to sabotage their relationship but after months she’s finally out of the picture but that not the point. My point is there weren’t that many problems but after two months of dating he started showing his true colours. Because of this my friend would call me late at night crying about something he’d done and I’d give her advice. Then a few days later another problem and another call. After a few times of this happening I was like enough is enough she has to leave him but no matter what I said or what anybody else said she wouldn’t leave him.


Fast forward a year later and it’s gotten so bad. A few months ago he hurt her a lot and so her dad pressed charges for domestic violence but even after what he did she did everything she could to try and drop the p.o and the charges. I tried to talk her out of out of but she kept telling me she loved him and she can’t let him go to jail. Unfortunately he didn’t go to jail and the po was dropped right after the court date. Months later and they’re still together and he doesn’t hurt her physically anymore but he keeps emotionally abusing her and this everyday of her messaging me.


He never listens to her when she asks him for example to stop talking to this certain girl he’s been flirting with even tho she dropped every guy friend she’s ever had when he asked her to even tho those guys weren’t even trying to get with her but we’re just good friends. The other day he kicked her out. KICKED HER OUT FOR NO REASON AT ALL, who does that? I told her to come to mine instantly but 5 mins later she she sends me a message “he’s asking me to come back, idk what to do. I have to go back, I’m going to go back” so she went back and she forgave him even though he didn’t apologize.


I feel like such a **** friend for putting her business out here but i don’t know what to do anymore especially after today. She sent me screen shots of their argument and even though it wasn’t her fault he was blaming it on her like he always does. He blames everything on her and makes her feel guilty but today was really bad. I was trying to give her advice but then she surprises me with “it’s ok, it’s my fault. This is all my fault. He right. I should listen to him and do what he wants me to do so he can love me.” After that I thought I was being pranked bc the best friend Ik isn’t like this, she strong. But when it comes to this guy she lets him control her, use her, manipulate her. This guy is hurting her everyday day like on their one year anniversary he didn’t spend any time with her then threw a party, like brought his whole family and cousins, made the whole day bout him, turns out none of his family even knew she existed and he didn’t even introduce her. We sat in her room the whole time then he came in then screamed at her when she tried calmly talking to him about it.


i don’t know what to do anymore, after her sending me that I can’t let this go on anymore but Idk how to stop it bc she keeps using “I love him more than anything” and “I need him” i don’t know what to do. Please if any of you have advice help me because this dude is breaking my best friend and I can’t let him do that. I can’t. I’m sorry for grammar mistakes I typed this really fast and I’m too drained to read over it to fix anything.

Last edited by bluekoi; Feb 19, 2020 at 11:56 AM.. Reason: Add trigger icon.
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Default Feb 19, 2020 at 12:38 PM
  #2
Unfortunately there’s not much you can do if you’ve already confronted her with his abuse. She is choosing to stay,, regardless. The only thing you can do realistically is call the police if he physically abuses her again and report it. Otherwise, she’s allowing the abuse to continue and refuses to leave. You can bring a horse to the water but you can’t make them drink.

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Default Feb 19, 2020 at 12:39 PM
  #3
This is a terrible place to be.
Right now, all I can say is let her know you are there (which you do) when she is ready to take a look at the relationship from a distance (would she go on a "girl's weekend" now and then? out once a week?). Also, given a chance put the local women's shelter phone number and abuse hotline into her phone.
If you haven't, let her parents know you are there and you care.
Send her texts/cards/invites/ And do be real with her. If he dies tomorrow she will not, she will not die if she leaves him. She might if she stays. Let her know that you understand it won't be easy for her to leave and regain her self esteem but there are people who can help with that---people who have been there and are feeling much better now...

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Default Feb 19, 2020 at 01:17 PM
  #4
Your friend is trapped in a cycle of abuse, he has her convinced that when things go bad it's HER fault. He was at one time nice to her, he love bombed her and then he began his systematic abuse towards her. She loved this guy in him that never really existed and she is convinced that if she gives in and is good she will get this guy back that showed her love. She could not be MORE WRONG. Sadly, this is what abusers do and they choose someone they KNOW they can control and manipulate.

Your friend really needs actual professional help AND to distance from this guy so she can LEARN what kind of trap she has fallen into. She is young yet, inexperienced and most likely has fragile self esteem, but that's because she is young and inexperienced yet. I am very sorry you have to witness this, that you try to talk to her about it and you end up watching her only run back to him to face even more abuse.

I don't know what Canada has to offer in terms of help for this kind of challenge. Your friend needs help like in a woman's abuse center so she can learn about how she is being abused and why it's so important for her to break free from this abusive boyfriend once and for all. He doesn't love her, what he loves is CONTROLLING her, which is why no one even knew about her in his family and why he discourages her from having friends etc. He is actually doing a lot of damage to her right now, and this is going to take her time to first get away from and then to heal from.
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Default Feb 19, 2020 at 01:24 PM
  #5
There is nothing you can do, really, as pointed out. She has to want to be safe and she does not want that right now more than she wants to be with this abuser. He will continue to hurt her or kill her until she gets out finallly, or, it ends tragically. That's just the way these things go.

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Default Feb 19, 2020 at 04:28 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Your friend is trapped in a cycle of abuse, he has her convinced that when things go bad it's HER fault. He was at one time nice to her, he love bombed her and then he began his systematic abuse towards her. She loved this guy in him that never really existed and she is convinced that if she gives in and is good she will get this guy back that showed her love. She could not be MORE WRONG. Sadly, this is what abusers do and they choose someone they KNOW they can control and manipulate.

Your friend really needs actual professional help AND to distance from this guy so she can LEARN what kind of trap she has fallen into. She is young yet, inexperienced and most likely has fragile self esteem, but that's because she is young and inexperienced yet. I am very sorry you have to witness this, that you try to talk to her about it and you end up watching her only run back to him to face even more abuse.

I don't know what Canada has to offer in terms of help for this kind of challenge. Your friend needs help like in a woman's abuse center so she can learn about how she is being abused and why it's so important for her to break free from this abusive boyfriend once and for all. He doesn't love her, what he loves is CONTROLLING her, which is why no one even knew about her in his family and why he discourages her from having friends etc. He is actually doing a lot of damage to her right now, and this is going to take her time to first get away from and then to heal from.
Thank you this helped a lot. I’ve suggested getting help before but she won’t do it. Her parents aren’t really in her life either so I can’t try and talk to them. Her dad was but he kicked her out so she lives with her boyfriend right now which just makes the situation even worse. I think she’s just desperate for love because she never had it growing up. Idk. This whole situation is just so bad and now I feel like there’s nothing I can do, I feel so useless. But I have to keep trying to help her.
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Default Feb 19, 2020 at 11:42 PM
  #7
Hey @RosesAreRed487: There isnt anything you can do. what it boils down to is if you are willing to be listening to her talk about him over and over. You are already in too deep/ Personally, I'd not be involved anymore, I would tell her that you dont want to talk about him or hear about him unless it involves her leaving him. Then tell her what the consequences are if she does> ( getting off the phone, not responding to her calls and texts). If you truly want to help her you will force her to deal with him by herself.[/COLOR]

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Default Feb 19, 2020 at 11:45 PM
  #8
Always remember the three Cs:

You did not Cause this situation.

You cannot Control it.

You cannot Cure it.
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Default Feb 20, 2020 at 07:13 AM
  #9
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Originally Posted by RosesAreRed487 View Post
Thank you this helped a lot. I’ve suggested getting help before but she won’t do it. Her parents aren’t really in her life either so I can’t try and talk to them. Her dad was but he kicked her out so she lives with her boyfriend right now which just makes the situation even worse. I think she’s just desperate for love because she never had it growing up. Idk. This whole situation is just so bad and now I feel like there’s nothing I can do, I feel so useless. But I have to keep trying to help her.
All you can really do is to tell her it's abusive and that she needs to leave him and encourage her to do so. You cannot save her and she is in denial of it all. That's the problem. She claims to love him and need him and that is her priority, not seeing the abuse for what it is.

I had a friend once who refused to believe her relationship was abusive. They did not live together, but I kept repeating the same things to her. Eventually and after three years of crap, she broke up with him, but never acknowledged that it was abuse.

It was really hard to watch my friend go through that.

But you cannot save your friend, like I said, and it's HER doing at this point. You need to understand that. She is CHOOSING to remain in an abusive situation, and she is CHOOSING to ACCEPT the abuse.

There's really not much you can do. You have to step back from the situation, and perhaps even distance yourself somewhat so that it's not as upsetting.

Know and fully understand that It's not your job to save her. She must SAVE HERSELF. Only she can do that.

It's the same thing as an alcoholic. They have to first admit they have a problem, BEFORE they will seek help.

Your friend doesn't even want help and she cannot acknowledge the abuse. It's our of your hands, unfortunately. .

Please don't put yourself into a co-dependent role with her. That's where your own health suffers for the sake of saving another from themselves.

It's best if you just step back and out of the situation, altogether.

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Default Feb 20, 2020 at 07:27 AM
  #10
You could suggest The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans....it saved my life.
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Default Feb 20, 2020 at 07:28 AM
  #11
I am afraid I must agree with ALL the other wise and wonderful Posters! There isn't much you can do to control the situation she's in. It's up to Her to make the changes necessary to get out of that HORRIBLE situation! Try to be as best of a friend as you can be. Support Her and stay near Her when she needs support. Call the Police if things escalate and she gets hurt. Other than that, there isn't a lot you can do, I'm afraid, except reminding her that she deserves better that what she's currently getting. MUCH BETTER! Keep us updated! Let us know how things unfold for BOTH of you! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @RosesAreRed487, your Family, your Friends, your Dear Friend who is going through ALL of this ALL by Herself and ALL Alone and ALL of Your and Her Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Feb 20, 2020 at 12:26 PM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by RosesAreRed487 View Post
Thank you this helped a lot. I’ve suggested getting help before but she won’t do it. Her parents aren’t really in her life either so I can’t try and talk to them. Her dad was but he kicked her out so she lives with her boyfriend right now which just makes the situation even worse. I think she’s just desperate for love because she never had it growing up. Idk. This whole situation is just so bad and now I feel like there’s nothing I can do, I feel so useless. But I have to keep trying to help her.
I am sorry RosesAreRed, it's unfortunate but from what you describe of your friend, she doesn't even know what healthy love means. This is what happens when a child never gets love and nurturing and to experience healthy parents and what a healthy home environment means.

Sometimes, there are grandparents that can step in, and yet other times this problem is just handed down from a mother who's husband was unhealthy and selfish or drug addicted etc. It's painful to witness how a young girl her age can only know abandonment so tends to cling on to some kind of abuser like what you are describing you are witnessing. And for this friend, she is too old to experience being placed in a home where couples take on children so the children can experience and observe what healthy love is like.

I don't know what else you can do for her. Don't know if there are some kind of group homes for this kind of individual either that age out of being able to experience living with individuals that can provide a safe nurturing environment.

It sounds like she has already graduated high school and got kicked out by her father and isn't furthering her education but becoming a dependent with a guy that abuses her. It's so unfortunate, but this happens a lot more than it should.

I don't know if there are any programs she can get involved with where she can move forward in a healthier direction. I guess you have to do some searches to see if there IS anything in the state/area you live in in Canada.
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Default Feb 25, 2020 at 05:35 AM
  #13
It sounds like you are doing all you can for her. Abuse is blinding it really is. We have to see the light to allow change.

It seems all you can do is be there for her I’m afraid and hopefully she will realise soon. Can you try and talk her in to therapy?
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