Boyfriend of 12 years never sees or calls me

I am quite an introvert, with raging social anxiety, I can take only so many people in my life. It's very hard lonely life. I am lonely but I don't know how to find people, and how to be good with them, and how to make friends. I had one friend, who is male, I am woman, for long, long time. After some time I fell in love with him and I always felt like he is the one, the closest to me, like we have a special bond. He was always very nice to me, treated me well, when we are together, we could talk about everything, we knew everything about each other, I could tell him all about him and even our physical bond was awesome. it looked like I had a best friend and a lover in one, like perfect connection. Except it wasn't.
We never saw each other too often. Once-twice a week, for few hours, he never slept over, I never was at his place. No he wasn't married, he never was (I was, and I have a child), he lives with his parents since always, he is 50 now. I don't resent him for that, he has no money, he helps them in chores, it is ok. They "don't approve me" as he says. Anxious as I am, I never wanted to intrude, so I respected that, I don't want to bother them. I am not good with people anyway, and I tend to escape if someone doesn't like me. I know them, I know his situation through common friends so it's not a lie. It's just who he is. being single mom, who works full time and more, I never have much time myself, and I don't want to marry again so it was ok to me. I did not have much time anyway. And it's hard to explain but we did have special bond. I invested so much into him, all I had, except for my child of course, I lost all other friends and I am basically alone. Everything revolves around him. He is strange person. He is an artist he invested everything into his work, but honestly it's not going well. He says he just wants to work work to have leave as much as possible of his work. And his parents enable him to do that.
I on the other hand, always felt a bit like I am something on the side. he finds few hours for me in his busy schedule with work and parents to squeeze me into and he says it's the most he can do. And I believe him. But, I always knew I will be less important than his work and his parents.
Until they god sick. They are both over 80, and they are basically not able to take care of themselves and need 24 hour care. He has no money so he is caring for them. It all took a large tool on him. He started becoming distant, nagged that I ask too much of him (to see him once in a while, to be nr one at leas once in my life for someone, to have a future, even in 10 years or 20, to be loved), that he can't handle his situation and he is becoming bad person. He won't let me near them, not when they were healthy even less now, and me, being afraid of people anyway, of course, I don't even try.
It got worse, he stopped contacting me. First he was just writing me messages how bad is at his home. Complaining. I get it, but no life is a fairy tale. Then, when I told him I am miserable and I feel rejected and not important to him, he stopped messaging me. He stop inviting me, and stopped seeing me. It happened before also, but now it's worse. I am feeling so tired and rejected so many many times, and like I invested 12 years of my life, my BEST years, my love, my time, my all, into wrong person. Who does not love me, who never loved me. Who was nice to me because he "felt bad" and didn't want to hurt me. Who was actually more not by my side than he was.
I have my child, but she is an adult now, and soon will be leaving for college, I will be completely alone. I will not stop her to have her own life. I won't do to her what his parents let him do to them and to him and now to me.
But I am alone now, 47, no friends, no life, no light, my health is declining, I feel if I get sick I will just die. There is no one to help me, take care of me, and I would never ever ask my child to put her life and youth on waiting for me. And I feel like a such a fool to invest my all into one man. Who told me from the start he will never leave his parents and he will never stop working all day every day even if he earns nothing at all.
Am I a fool? What did I do to myself and why? how do you love someone deeply and they don't love you back, they just don't care where are you and how are you. I know this is forbidden to write but sometimes... you know. Maybe I just shouldn't exist. I am weirdo, no one likes me.
How how people just leave someone who was their best friend, who loved them deeply and without boundaries? With explanation that their life is too hard now and they need to produce as much work to leave behind when they die.

I'm very sorry you're struggling and in pain right now.

You said you did have friends at one point? Why did you let those friendships go? Or how did they disappear? I understand fully that social anxiety is a tough issue for you to have to deal with, but friendships can be made at any point in life. Do you have any hobbies or interests you can pursue? Could you take a class and meet new people that way?

As for the man, I'm sorry to say it, but he was not worth investing so much time into. He is a grown man still living with his parents at the age of 50 - and it sounds like he never left. Also sounds like he is completely dependent on his parents for money and support, which is not very admirable. Most men strive to be financially secure and independent from a far younger age. Unless there's a severe enough mental health or medical reason for him to be dependent and living at home for this long (which would make more sense), there is no reason that he has had to live at home all this time. Sounds like he just wants to sponge off his parents while he wants to pursue artwork. Not very admirable, and certainly not ambitious, like most other men in this world are.

And you work full time and have had child caring responsibilities. The two of you combined do not equal a good match. He's not ambitious, is a failing artist, and you're more motivated, independent and responsible.

So I'm afraid you put all your eggs into the wrong basket. But don't fret. Many people marry and realize years later it was the wrong match and get divorced. Consider this as a similar type of situation. And please don't feel like you wasted all those years... they're only wasted if you don't learn something from it all.

So the lesson? Never let your life go and friends go for the sake of a relationship or anything else. Never put all your energy into one person or one relationship. Friendships must be nurtured to remain in tact. But know that new ones can always be formed, over time and even if you have social anxiety.

So get out there and do something else with your life.... take control and pursue enjoyment in life, whatever that may entail.

In what way is he your boyfriend?

Most of my friends left the country or live their own life, everyone is busy, and it felt like no one really cares about me so I just let them go. I don't even know what to do about it. I am incompetent at socialization. Now I am so tired, depressed and over the top insecure I can't even meet people and I feel like no one likes me. If a person I gave the best of me doesn't care, how will anyone else? I don't even have time for classes or hobbies. I do write and draw some but I do it alone. Maybe it is not fair to say I left my friends because of him. They just live their lives, they don't call me, and most live in other countries far away. It's just how it happened. People mostly don't like me, it's hard to make friends for me. I am unlikable, very. Women don't like me, I just want to have girlfriend but most of women my age already have life long friendships. They don't need me. Men, they mostly just want to have physical relationship with me. They don't even hide it. Those that are interested look like they would settle for any woman, just to "score". I feel like I don't need that. I am not that desperate. I just want to be a little bit special to someone, not just "one woman who said yes" from many who said no. It's humiliating.
Well, he was my boyfriend, we had a special bond, we could talk about everything, and I could tell him anything. He is smart, funny, he used to make me laugh, and he looked like he loved me. But in time, as we got older, he god colder and distant more and more. I knew he will never be with me, not as much as I wanted but he acted like he really loved me, I can't write now how. PRoblem is, life goes, we got older and older and problems started with age, health problems, money, disappointments, all that. When people live together, they work on that together. This way, we just distanced even more and more. I don't know why he wants to live with his parents so much. I don't even think they want him there. He wants probably all time to focus on his art. I told him he is missing life but he doesn't see it that way. I traveled, and lived as much as I could, without him. But I am getting older and I feel any of us could die now. And that is it?
At this age, I feel to tired, to old and too depressed to look for someone else. I did few dates even but it was awful. One man lied he is divorced while he was married, some openly didn't like me (which is fine, I did not like them too), one was too excited and wanted to "do it in his car" at first date, one is sweet and I like him but he drinks too much and smokes too much and seems like trouble... I am lost. Should I just give up and be alone?
I am such a fool... A giant fool.

So be single, but live your life, and find things you enjoy.... it seems you yourself let your friendships go due to possibly low self esteem but also to a serious lack of effort. I am married and middle aged and I have to reach out to my friends, stay in contact with them, make time for them and make an honest effort to maintain the friendships. Everyone is busy and/or married with kids, and it takes earnest and honest effort. It seems you didn't do that at all because you thought they didn't like you or were too busy for you and you gave all your time and energy to this man and your child. That's what you wrote in your first post.

"I invested so much into him, all I had, except for my child of course, I lost all other friends and I am basically alone. Everything revolves around him."

That was your mistake, You invested far too much into this person and you let the rest of your life fall by the wayside.

I understand how depression and loneliness work because I've been there plenty times myself, but you have to find the fight in you to get a life again for yourself. The only way to make a life for yourself is to take action, not be passive and just do it. At some point, you have to pick yourself up out of your slump and make an effort to work on your life.

^^^^ This. The solution to this problem is action, there is no other way out of it. Sitting and feeling defeated won't get you to feeling better. You need to find some folks who share similar interests or interest and get out and do what you do, whatever that is. Join a reading group, a walking group, learn to blow glass or sculpt or paint or draw or write. Join a running or cycling group. Join a local mental illness meetup/support group or whatever they have in your area. Finally read something you have always wanted to read. Make plans to do something fun. Ride a rollercoaster. Take a boat ride. Go to a movie. A good one. Go listen to some music. Go to a museum. Plan a little trip somewhere for a couple of days. Go camping. Write poetry. Make some plans. Make something giant out of Legos. Do a fun puzzle. If you don't feel like it, MAKE yourself do it. Action is the only thing that will get you out of this.

People in your age group (which very broadly includes me) are super busy with jobs and kids and being sure everyone is fed and the house is not a mess. There is not a lot of time in the modern world for other stuff. Like, no time at all. People are just way, way, way too busy. It is not your fault. If you want to see someone from your past, you will probably have to initiate that yourself. So, do it!

Sending you strength and support. Many of us have been right where you are. You can do this!! Just start taking a little action.

I am trying to wrap my head around this relationship going on like this for 12 years. 12! I think you should immediately end it. Everything else aside with your lack of friends, 12 years is too long to be with someone that you only see a couple of hours a week. How do you know you are the only one in his life? You dont because you only see him a few hours at a time.

I think it’s less lonely to be alone than be with a man who doesn’t see you enough and hides you from his family.

Since you’ve never been to his house and have never met his parents, it’s possible he is actually married or has other relationships and that’s why he can’t introduce you to no one. He might not even live with his parents. He maybe lives with a woman

You will be less lonely being alone than with this guy

I know it looks bad when I put it like this. But, as I wrote, I am extremely reserved and introvert person, so seeing him so rarely didn't seem too bad or difficult for me. And because of my job and motherhood, I have little free time myself. Problem is, I always felt no one likes me and no one understands me. It has been like that since always. I was bullied in grade school, terribly, every day, after that I was extremely insecure and reserved and didn't trust anyone. Then I was in marriage where I was emotionally abused and after 6 years I left. In the last 4 years, I am bullied at work as well. It's like no one likes me. He was among few rare persons who did like me and who tried at least. But he is not bad, he is troubled, not in the same way as me, and not as aware of that as me, but troubled. That is probably why we had such connection. He does not have another girlfriend I am 100% sure of that. He does live with his parents, and I don't think any woman would really put up with all that. Well, except for me. We are two very troubled persons who met. Still, it seems I am the one who wanted more. And lost.
Now, I have no idea what to do, I was and still am, obsessed with that man, and I fear no one will like me, as no one ever did. I am weird. In my country no one likes weird people, no one likes introverts. They are too much work. We do not want to be alone all the time and without friends, that is mistake. We just want to be alone sometimes, to "charge" but hardly anyone understands that. And I am not "cute weird" like in movies. I am weird and unlikable strange person. Women avoid me mostly, men see me only as possible fun and someone for play only.
I am afraid I will never have any friends, because I am weird. I had relationship with someone who seemingly understands me but even he left me. Who will then be with me?

Sounds like you have suffered through a lot, which would impact anyone's self esteem. Do you have a therapist? Seems like you could really use some professional help to help you work on your self esteem so that you can feel better about yourself. Everyone can have friends, even those who are different than the norm. People find each other, all kinds of people. And you've had friendships previously.

@Biba_yu It sounds like you allowed him to be in your life like this for 12 years because of your loneliness and the emotional abuse of your first marriage that lasted for 6 years. Then, there is your job where you feel bullied, and the fact that you feel rejected because you perceive yourself as so different than anyone else because you are naturally introverted and shy.

Do you have any support or help with your child/children? How old are they? Do you ever do anything fun with your child/children? I think if you focus on doing fun activities with your child/children, you will feel better about yourself. And, this will help you get out of your house and be active for your child/children, which will help you feel better too.

My child is over 18 so basically an adult. I do not have much support if any. I tried with therapists but it went nowhere and it was expensive. Neurologists and psychiatrists almost immediately want to put me on meds (AD) but that will not solve my problems. It would just mask them. And, antidepressants didn't work for me anyway. I tried. I tried a lot of things, but I just may be broken beyond repair.

Divine1966 You made perfect sense, If she never met his parents and he still lives at home, He may very well be married or have a woman, If it were me I would investigate him and find out the truth, He might have been lying to her this whole time and all this time was wastee on lies, She needs to find someone worth her time and energy

I think if he was married, I would know. I know I few men who visited him at home often and their stories match what he said. I think we are on the wrong path here. I think my main problem is that I am not accepted by anyone. I feel like most rejected, most unwanted person in the universe. Without any given reason. He acted like he accepted me, he spent time with me, he reassured me, talked to me, and seemed like he likes and understands me. That never happened to me before. But it seems I was living an illusion, or maybe, he just has priorities on the other side. Or maybe, we don't understand each other at all and I was simply living in my head, oblivious of real truth.
What he said to me, when I last saw him, was that I was cruel. He said I don't understand how difficult his situation is. His parents health is seriously declining and they can't do most of things for themselves. They can't take care of themselves and they can't be left alone for 10 minutes anymore. So, he feels it's his duty, as a son, to take care of them 24hours a day. And to be honest, he does not look good. He has heart issues, which he ignores, and he looks worse for wear. He looks exhausted and tired. I can't help him, because I am not allowed there and honestly, how could I help? I have my own parents, and my child (who is 18 but still in highschool and still needs me) to take care of. And my full time job. I suggested him to get help from medical professional and I must have overstepped some boundaries then because he reacted badly, said that I am cruel, and he needs to help them not just to hand them over to some strangers, and it's not my thing to interfere in his situation and how he can't just "leave them to die", like I want him to leave them to die... he looked horrible physically and mentally exhausted. I just wanted to help. And I wanted at least some time for me. I felt cruel and at the same time, I felt like I damn deserved to be in his life at least a little even in those circumstances, not just tossed away. Am I cruel?
In my defense, my dad tried to care for my grandma when she was sick. He had no idea what he was doing, it made things so much worse. And I am worried my now maybe ex boyfriend could get seriously sick and he has no insurance. His heart is weak, he looks horrible and he is not medical professional! I have no idea what to do, this is starting to look like a horror movie. And I feel like the worst person for asking something for myself in this situation. Am I????

Well maybe he isn’t married but he could easily hook up with other women.

His story about declining health of his parents is likely just a story. You still introduce your girlfriend to your parents regardless of their health conditions. Things he tells you and things what really happen might be completely different things. He can’t leave them for 10 minutes? Ok now.

12 years is a long time not to introduce you to his parents. So he can tell you anything as you have no wats to check. Plus ok maybe they are sick now but were they sick for all 12 years?

Listen this man treats you bad for 12 years but you worry about poor him and how you help him. You have to start putting yourself first

If he isn’t calling you or seeing you or treating you right , there isn’t much you can do but move on. You can’t make him into someone he isn’t

PS on the other hand at this point I would maybe go to his house and knock on the door and see what’s going on. I suspect his parents don’t even know about your existence and it’s likely that they would not object meeting a woman he was dating or marrying, if they knew about it. After 12 years I’d not be shy anymore and would want to find out the truth and free myself from this burden

I dont mean to be wrong in what I am going to say, I dont like being lonely either, I dont think anyone does, But I would rather be alone the rest of my life then settle for less then I deserve, You deserve to be loved we all do, Do yourself a favor and walk away, You dont need the rejection

I agree. This man has been hurtful and continues to be hurtful. Why he kept you away from his parents for 12 years is beyond me. He made you think that his parents didn't approve of you or like you? That makes very little sense IF he didn't have another woman or wife involved. It is hurtful to keep you away from meeting the most important people in his life like that. It is hurtful what he is doing to you now. I think because you were so emotionally and verbally abused most of your life, that you've been conditioned to accept poor treatment. And this man has not treated you all that well, ALL of this time. Yes you connected and may have felt a deep connection with him, but honestly, he has been and is continuing to be hurtful. Yes, he is troubled, and that is no excuse for his behavior and treatment of you.

Thank you all for support, and thank you, Twiglight for sent hugs.
No, I don't like to be alone. But I have been bullied and abused most of my life and I am tired. There was one person I thought genuinelly liked me and I was wrong again. I was called names, emotinally abused, I was treated badly by so many people, since I was 11 or 12, I am so so tired... I can't do this anymore. I really can't. I always tried my best. I finished colege, I work for 20+ years, I published novel (soon the second), which no one reads but some people called "trash" anyway. I had tried so much, I loved, I tried to be friend, I worked my whole life, and I tried to get help so many times. Paid for therapists, engaged in sports, hobbies... nothing. I was called cruel, horrible person, stupid, clumsy, non worthy, etc all without any given reason!
I am so tired, I just want to be home and sleep, but I need to work. I want not to need people, not to need anyone. ever. I want to like to be alone and not give a care what anyone thinks of me.
I have a daughter, but I have seen so many women like me who gave up people and took their daughters as their "best friend" for life, which made those daughters co-dependent on mothers and with no life on their own. And I can see what happened to my boyfriend and his attachment to his parents. I do not want to do this to my kid. She is goind to have her own happy life and I just hope, she will not be like me.
Sometimes, I just can't deal with this anymore. FEeling like whole world just despises you with no given reason ever.

I’ve been in your place when I was a single parent.. As people are urging, take action. Pursue an interest or interests. You will meet quality people that way. Make a list of what you want in a relationship. Stick to it so you don’t get stuck. Ease him into being a friend, or drop him cold if you can’t get unstuck. Good luck!

I swear you that I’m the last person to give advises about relationships.
I want to reply because you went through too much with all these abuses. I’m not shocked that you see so negatively your present and future.
I’m a woman your age, soon turning 48 and it hurt me that you wanted to throw the towel. I know you’re tired and hopeless.
I don’t think this boyfriend of yours didn’t like you. You felt it. But, I understand that now for you the best is to try to overcome this relation and move on.

If you need to talk in private and think that I could be the right person, don’t hesitate to contact me. I’m quite good at listening.