Can’t seem to shake this

At the very least, it will drive a wedge in your trust with him.

He will need to prove himself to you moving forward that he can be 100% honest with you.

And you may always have in the back of your mind, is he being honest and will he be faithful?

Not coming out with the whole truth does erode at trust. There's no way around it.

So if you decide to move forward with him, know this.

It may take time for you to fully trust him again, and that will take him always being upfront with you every single time about everything. You may still not fully trust him though.

And I agree that you don't have to accept it or him just because he accepts YOU.

Thank you everyone for your views on it. To be honest it’s been a relief just to openly talk about it. I’m embarrassed about it all.

I’m going away this weekend it will be my first night away from him since the beginning so I’m looking forward to getting out in my own head space. I’m sure that will give me more perspective too.

I’d like to think I could trust him again. I’ve been in past relationships where my first partner (my daughters dad) made me question my own mind constantly. Messaging girls in front of me whilst we were in bed together, and then getting so angry he scared and convinced me that I was hallucinating - I was only 18 when I got with him and I didn’t know any better. 6 years of that and I came out of it genuinely not knowing what was real life and what was on my head. I feel this now, I don’t know know my own mind when my emotions are so high.

My partner is a decent person, he’s put nothing but 110% in to making me feel wanted, proving himself and proving his love since we met. I know people say this, but I really have found myself a diamond here, so this has been a huge contrast I haven’t been able to understand

Quite honestly, I think both of you were traumatized by very toxic relationships. You both were also very young when you experienced these toxic relationships. I think both of you carry deep wounds from what you lived through and it's actually very normal that both of you would genuinely struggle with trust issues and even question your ability to engage in a healthy relationship.

I don't think this guy intentionally lied to you either, instead I think he needed to get to a place in your relationship where he could share more of his history. That's really a scary thing to do too because it can lead to rejection. Also, he probably STILL carries shame for what he experienced and how he handled it all as well.

Both of you should be getting therapy for all the trauma you both experienced. It sounds like you both experience triggers and fears as a result of experiencing these toxic relationships when neither of you had the life skills to deal with what you both experienced. You can't make his history go away, he can't make your history go away either. You both need to heal from the histories you experienced. If you stay together, learn to do your best to develop healthier relationship skills so you can accept whatever each of you failed to know how to handle in your past. You can learn from it and take steps towards building a healthier relationship with each other.

He sounds like he has a very good heart. The older I have gotten and the more I have lived, the more rare I have found that quality to be. Many people pretend on the outside, but when you see their true selves, it is phony. I can certainly see why you would like to make this work.

Thank you for all being so gentle with me, it really helps.

We had a difficult day yesterday - I think we are both in depressed mode - he’s still recovering from the SH aftermath and he doesn’t seem to be dealing too well with how I’m suffering at the moment - he’s struggling to see me so hurt. I’m still having these nightmares, graphic ones, every night and I’m waking up in a state and he’s having to comfort me. None of us have been sleeping very well, we have both lost weigh and are only just getting some appetites back from a week ago. He was so down yesterday and it made the environment so uncomfortable that I wanted to escape from the house and be away from my family. Horrible atmosphere.

However painful and confusing things are right now, we have still been even more loving and compassionate than we usually are towards each other it’s like we are taking goes and turns to nurse each other at the moment. Last night in an attempt to escape from the house we went to a bar for some lovely food and a nice glass of wine and had a laugh and a nice loving night, then ended up at the cinema watching a horror film which had us both laughing and it was a relief. It made me think of how some couples deal with relationship traumas, I’ve often wanted to turn away from my previous partners or argue or cause more dramas if something had happened - we seem to be the complete opposite it’s like we know that we need to drop our own hurt to care for the other regardless. Although there had been pain and bad moods and snapping there - it’s not been at each other, and it’s been forgiven and treated with an understanding heart when one of us have been grumpy or angry or sad or whatever

Sunflower, from what you have shared it really sounds like both of you are struggling with the after affects of narcissistic abuse. I honestly feel that both of you should spend time in therapy with a trauma therapist as you have mentioned struggling with flashbacks and how you struggle to sleep and distance.

I am going to provide an article for you to read, please do so with caution because you may identify with what you read. From what you share it sounds like both you and your boyfriend struggle with shame too.

11 Signs You're the Victim of Narcissistic Abuse

The right therapy can help both of you heal and learn how to get closer as it sounds like you both want to "care and love" each other but struggle with fear that was created from the toxic/abusive partners you both experienced in your past when you both were much too young to really understand and better protect yourselves.

As a female who has been in your man’s place and my husband responded Ins similar manner, I can say that trust is something that takes so much longer to recover. But I truly believe it’s just something that takes time

Is it something you learned a lesson from? Would you ever hurt him again in that way?

Yes I definitely learned to be more open and honest wit him. It was very difficult to regain his trust. Sometimes it still feels like he doesn’t trust me even tho it’s been five years.
He has also lost my trust on another topic. We are both working through our trust issues. But it is definitely something that takes work from both sides.

I’m so sorry for not responding before. I didn’t see this post.