Can’t seem to shake this

Hi everyone.

Please go easy on me I’m very fragile, I need some raw perspective and some kind words on what’s happened in the last week.

I have been in a relationship with a truly wonderful man over the past 14 months. Soul mate stuff, it’s been incredible. I’ve had the best year of my life with him, we have merged our families and he does everything for me. Very loving, obsessively so sometimes, really does show to worship the ground I walk on. I’m never left without feeling loved or cared for. We are very close, have been since before we got together, in a best friend kind of way too which is lovely. It is very different to the relationships I’ve been in in the past, and from other relationships too... kind of like how twins are, very alike, each other’s halves.... We’re hardly without each other. I can tell him anything and I felt he could to me also.

I’ve had a really bad past with relationships in my life where my trust has been broken numerous times. He’s known about my past and he knows how I feel about lying - with my bipolar amplifying everything too, to put it simply - I cannot mentally handle someone lying to me. Not at all. I’d rather not be here than feel the way I do when I feel betrayed it’s that intense, I get extremely mentally ill and closed off from it. I’ve had a lot of therapy in the past due to my lack of trust in everyone and everything around me.

When I met him I was in a bad place and something clicked. I finally allowed myself to be made vulnerable and trust. It was lovely, such a sigh of relief to feel the freedom from whole trust. Again, he knows this.

Last week, I found out something about his past that was very hard for me to take. Upsetting to hear, my anxiety was at an all time high but at the same time it was something that came with me questioning his morals as a person.

I called him and asked him that it was very important for him not to lie, not to waffle on, not to cover anything up but to tell me straight what happened so I can try and accept this and move on from it. He’s not done anything to me directly that’s important to explain. He’s been very good to me since I met him. He explained and I understood however hard it was to take, because I had been in a similar place myself (although this was worse) so I could understand the reasons behind his actions.

I had a really bad day with anxiety and feeling sick from it, I told him I didn’t want to see him that evening, that I could barely look at him and to give me some time.

But something didn’t sit right with me. I’m very sensitive and my intuition is very strong - I am hardly wrong when it hits me and it was screaming at me. The next day I questioned him again. Yes, he kind of lied to me and didn’t tell me the whole thing at the time I had asked. There was more to it.

I have been having nightmares and panic attacks with all the anxiety I have been feeling over it all since. It wasn’t necessary the act he did himself. Everyone has a past and I feel it could be something I could get over with a built on trust and trying not to worry in time. It’s the fact he didn’t tell me straight when I told him that’s what I needed from him.

He told me he was so sorry he just panicked and he was ashamed of himself and scared of losing me. He ended up self harming that night (o found out the day after) due to his shame and this obviously put more hurt on the situation.

A few days have gone by and I am really struggling with the hurt and the anger. I feel like he has taken our perfect relationship and given me this whole new perspective on him and I am so angry it’s been ruined. I’m struggling adjusting to the new ‘him’ that I see before me. And the trust I have never had all my life and finally got back, he’s taken that away from me.

I love this man so much with the air that I breathe and I want to be there and love him unconditionally, I do, he never denied anything he just didn’t tell me the whole extent at the time I asked him. I want to help him heal and grow as a person as we have been doing with each other since we met. I am just so hurt from the broken trust thing and I’m struggling to get past this. What can I do? Can anyone offer some kind words? Some advice?

I don’t feel that he’d every hurt me and repeat events but I’m flipping through alternate realities every hour of the way between ‘he loves me and would never harm me’ to ‘but I don’t know this as a fact now’ and it sucks

You know, my husband did not tell me the *whole* truth about a couple situations I had asked him about. Then the real truth came out later.... but it did come out, the full truth of the matter. I think the fact that he did tell you the full truth can tell you something important. Yes, he wasn't fully upfront when you needed him to be, but then he was upfront eventually. So you now know the full truth, and he's not hiding it from you. It's understandable, his fear of losing you and why he wasn't fully upfront, if it was so bad. I think you can just be honest, tell him exactly how that made you feel, and ask him again to always be fully upfront with you. I do trust my husband, who has promised the same to me.

I am so sorry you have had to go through this situation, Sunflower. I truy am. I have been through a quite similar situation, unfortunately, and I have a slightly different take.

The thing about deception is that people who lie--lie. For many, it is a just an effective tool to avoid dealing with potential shame or other pain they do not wish to face. The drip drip drip of the truth is something I have a PhD in. And what I have learned is that, for me, anwyay, once a person like this has lied about something major, I will never trust them again. This is just based on my own experience of being lied to and cheated on repeatedly. In my life, the people who lie, lie because they are liars. It is how they operate. Part of who they are. Just my take. Sorry.

Sending you strength and support. I hope you can get through this, whatever you decide to do!!!

Liars lie. You're with a liar.

If you stay, expect more lies to come or more past omissions to come.

If you can't stomach a liar, you have your answer.

Are you able to generally share a little bit about the situation? Lying isnt good but there are different scenarios that I believe can be worked through vs lies that are devastating.

Thank you all for your honest replies.

Have hope - you know, I was reading your thread about your husband yesterday and I was going to message you about it. From your replies at the time it seems me and you are on exactly the same wavelength about lying, about monogamy, everything. You certainly aren’t alone with it, yet this point of view about relationships is pretty devastating isn’t it? We are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

I do believe the thing from the past was nothing to do with me really, the past is past, he did what he did for his reasons but I needed to know the full nature of it because i felt like I had a right to know who I was starting my life with

ItÂ’s not a great situation guys I feel sick about writing it down. But yeah IÂ’ll do my best to give you all the full perspective.

My partner was married before me, bit of a difficult situation and he had a hard time throughout it all. He had gotten this woman pregnant when he was very young, and stayed with her because he thought it was the right thing to do. A lot of pressure in to marriage which eventually he went though with.. Cue an emotionally and eventually physically abusive relationship. SheÂ’s not a very nice woman at all (not just through what heÂ’s told me, sheÂ’s well known and a nightmare) very immature and manipulative. She was a lot older than him, already had children. Past history of a series of engagement to young men (he was 20 at the time). He told me at the start that he had felt trapped, he was not good mentally, had list a lot of weight, got to the point where he wanted to end his life. She was very cruel to him, it showed in what friends and family have told me before we got together, how she is now with her own child and how jumpy and fussy he is now over trying to please me as a partner presently - He had very low self esteem when we met and he literally jumps through hoops for me. Its been hard to see a man like that, he was truly grounded down - constantly fearful of tea wasnÂ’t cooked right or he did the washing wrong etc at the beginning but heÂ’s much better and confident in himself now. We have been working on his self esteem and both of our growths and fears over the past year whilst we have been together. ItÂ’s been truly a magical year, lots of lessons and tears on both parts that we have a found a decent partner in each other.

Me and my partner met under similar circumstances, we was both coming out of abusive relationships and had a lot in common. I was on the back end of mine. He was separated from wife for a year. Very nasty end to it all, he was only married for a few weeks before he She tried taking his daughter off him so heÂ’d been through the works before he met me, but was in a much better place.

Anyway, I found out last week that he had some inappropriate contact with a woman online when he was with her. The shock fell that it was a few weeks before his wedding. Dug deeper, and found out it wasnÂ’t just some woman, it was one of his wives friends. I was gutted heÂ’d do something so low. She had sent him a picture of him in her underwear and he had responded over a series of days

Obviously I felt absolutely sick by this, not just the fact he was deceptful to her, I have been in a horrible place in a relationship before and ashamed to admit the fact I have cheated once in the past. I do understand it when you are in a desperate position and I have learned and growed from it myself. It was who it was with I couldnÂ’t get my head around.

Anyway, I had evidence that there had been nothing but passing pleasantries since the incident a few year ago, and I briefly remember him mentioning this women months back when talking about the past that she used to post revealing pics on her social media etc so I was happy that he hasnÂ’t been even a hint of unfaithful whilst heÂ’d been with me.

However when I confronted him and asked him to tell me everything, he admitted he ‘may have responded’ and paid her a compliment over her pictures, he admitted that he was flattered by the attention as he had never had any at home but he didn’t admit until a day later that they were messaging back and forth with this woman over a series of days

I agree with Sarah. It totally depends. If it's perpetual, that's a problem. A one time thing that doesn't have to do with your relationship? It can most likely be worked through.

I don’t know why the text is weird on my reply there, it must be my phone of anyone else can see it! I hope it reads well and makes sense anyway

out of everything you've said... this last part is probably the most important thing to look at.

so you do not believe he'd do anyting to hurt you. you know that there must be a reason that he hasn't been forthcoming entirely with the information so ask yourself what do you think his motivations are? I can't speak to the subject matter but the fact is you're questioning his past also not something in the here and now. So many times things like "the past" have come to cause problems in the present and more often than not, for no good reason.

Ask yourself is the idea that he cares for you as you've laid out, more important to you or that he is entirely 100% perfect in honesty at all times? seriously who is 100% forthcoming with everything especially when it comes to their past and is it realistic to expect that?

is his behavior now something that is on trial or is it something that he did previously and if it's in the past, is yours unblemished too?

I think these are things to ask yourself and ultimately I say again, ask yourself "what's important?"

I wrote my last response before seeing this.. will write a reply later (I’m at work). Hugs!

So now that I've heard the FULL story, I have to admit that it's concerning and that you have cause for concern.

Lapse in judgement aside and abuse aside, he was inappropriate JUST before a wedding AND not only that, with a friend of his bride to be, no less.

I would be seriously questioning whether this man can be faithful and of sound judgement after learning this.

Yes, he was in a unique circumstance. Yes, he may have been pressured into marriage and was also being severely abused. But WHY did he choose an emotional cheating route instead of calling off the wedding with an obvious psycho?

Yes, I would be concerned about his ability to be faithful, or at least questioning it, on top of his dishonesty about it with you. Two red flags there, I am very sorry to say.

I hear you!!! Feel free to PM if you like.

Well if you can no longer stand to be around him, don't try to make yourself do something that your gut doesn't want to do.

If you can eventually stand to be around him, then I suggest a waiting a very long period of time before committing to him, to find out who he really is.

Its not great is it.

He is a good man, I know this. I don’t know why he would do that of all people. I’ve always had in in my head once a cheat, always a cheat etc etc. But mine isn’t without sin either.

I was 21 when I had my daughter. I was 22 when I had an affair with another man out of stupidity after trying to leave my relationship and my home a year before. I felt stuck too, I can’t deny we haven’t been on the same place in a similar situation- we have. His wasn’t a physical thing, mine was. But I know I would never sink as low as I did as I had learnt my lesson through a lot of pain and grief. An act like that can change you, it’s a serious moral shake up for someone to do something like that who is fully against it. I know myself I’d never cheat on him, and I’ve told him before if I ever get the urge to look at a man twice in the future I would tell him before I acted so we could work on it together.

He has not judged me for any of my past, and mines not been pretty. He’s taken me in with open arms, loved me despite my scars. This man truly does love and care for me. I want to be able to push past this I really do.

He’s had a hard day today with it all. A lot of distress and tears tonight too, he knows he’s hurt me and he’s struggling with the past, his actions and his stupidity over not disclosing everything when I asked him too.

I had a better day today, and now tonight I’m in that dark place again questioning everything .

It will take some time to get past this, or perhaps to learn that you just can't.

Either way, it will take time.

I don't think you are obligated by the fact that he accepts your past and doesn't judge you. You can only accept what you can accept.

You'll know in time.

Hugs to you at this exceedingly difficult time.

In reading this guy's age, only 20 when this happened? That is still SO YOUNG and how he ended up with an abusive woman and he tried to do the right thing and marry her because she was pregnant? I don't know, that's still VERY young to have the life skills to deal with all he had to deal with. Both of you were so young yet when your marriages failed.

And, another concerning thing was that woman he married was older and seemed to pick men so you, probably to control them which clearly isn't working well for her.

How old are both of you now?

I just wanted to add one thing:

You also are not obligated by the fact that he is a good man.

You can only accept what you can accept.

I am 30 and he’s 28. We’re still young now!

The incident in question happened 2 and a half years ago, right before he married. He walked out a few weeks after and ended it.

He told me he shouldn’t have gone through with the marriage and he deeply regrets the whole thing. I am close to his cousin who told me before we started seeing each other that there was something very odd about the whole thing, the wedding was weird she said. He was crying the whole day.

At the time as well he had received messages off her friend (a different friend) saying that she was cheating on him. He stood by his wife and believed her. He believes now he was blinded by this and is pretty sure she was going behind his back and it wasn’t the only time.

On the night of the wedding at the reception his wife also locked herself in her and his hotel room with a male friend and refused to come out. He’d suspected some deceptiveness with this male friend of hers for some time before this incident.

The bridesmaids all took his side when they split. None of them speak to her now.

It’s a whole big mess and a shite situation really. He’s recovered from not only having a failed marriage so young but the aftermath from abuse. But what he did wasn’t right and it never will be.

I know that I’m not obliged to accept his past. But at the same time I’d like to be a partner who can give him what he needs and deserves going forwards. My heart aches for him but it hurts for myself too.

We was saving for a home for us and both of our girls. I told him yesterday at this moment in time I would not sign a contract with him for this. It cut him deep, he’s been working so hard to give me everything I need, and everything we need in life as a family but he could not give me what I needed at the time I asked him to disclose this information. I feel really lost and stuck

Yes he was very young when having to deal with it all. I think he had been seeing her 6 weeks when he got a phone call to find she was pregnant. She had been dealing with some serious health issues and she told him she couldn’t have kids at the time so he didn’t use precaution. He worked hard and got a home for them, took on her eldest child and provided for them. Very young to settle, he’s one to please though and he’s got a ‘older’ head on him as I have myself. He strives.

He very much a bit white knight syndrome really, always feels obliged to help people in need, would do anything for everyone.