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Default Mar 21, 2020 at 03:05 AM
  #1
I have learned not to talk about the specific things going on with my family but with all the anxiety I am seeing on the news, in posts, etc. --I want to say that COVID-19 is one of the things that has brought my family together. We are all working together and doing our best to get along. My prayers have been answered. I am so grateful that we are together again. There is more to do and nothing happens overnight but I feel like we are healing. I have learned a lot (mistakes were made) and will always do my best to be there for my family.
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Default Mar 21, 2020 at 06:35 AM
  #2
That’s one of the most positive things I’ve heard in a while! I am happy for you and your family for coming together. It’s an awful time around the globe and if something positive results like this, how wonderful! Thanks for sharing.

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Default Apr 05, 2020 at 05:47 AM
  #3
Life isn't a bed of roses so of course challenges are arising amidst the lockdown. This is supposed to be a positive thread, so first I will talk about what I think is positive. More communication is happening between my H and I. More communication is happening between my husband and the children and I am not interfering with that.

My H is in a high risk group if he gets COVID-19. He has been consumed with extending his life for a very long time and has made significant changes through a high amount of discipline--walking every day (has not missed a single day for more than 8 years, even when he is sick), lost lots and lots of weight (50 lbs or more? He was well over 200 lbs, at one point in his life, he might have been around 250 lbs and is now around 185 lbs--it has totally changed his blood sugars and blood pressure). He never, ever eats sweets--I really need to adopt this practice, I am overweight due to my consumption of sugary things. Anyways, many conversations with him, seems to be about extending his life and all of us supporting this. I usually cook two or three no carb meals a day (helpful for me too--my excess sugar comes from sweetner in my coffee and usually having either some chocolate, ice cream or sweetened yogurt).

So having a family member that works in retail and him living here is not a happy thought for my husband because it increases the chances that he could be exposed to COVID-19. Our family member is planning to accommodate but he recently got the job and retail is a low paying job (apartments are not cheap). He found someone to room with (I think where he works) but they thought they can't get enough money together until the beginning of May.

However, this family member recently moved in, has been kicked out of the house many times (I do not want to get into the why), is overcoming the issues that caused it but my desire is different than my husband's, my desire is for this family member to have a chance to stabilize. It is more important for me to see this family member succeed than to not get the virus. My H would say this is a false characterization--he definitely wants him to succeed and of course he does, however, I just get concerned with figuring out the right amount of support for the family member. I feel like they still need support. My H says my focus on feelings is part of my craziness. I also don't fear the virus which H says is another indication that I am crazy--I am following distancing guidelines and been very careful when I go to the grocery store.

I am not interfering with when the family member moves out and he likely will when he can because my husbands argument that the family member is endangering them will likely strike a chord. Sometimes the tone of it all does feel like a guilt trip. In the past I feel like my husband has guilt tripped me and another family member has definitely done this (my H would likely say I should not talk about the past and feelings but deal with our current problem--perhaps he is right)--so I feel like I am very on guard now about people who guilt trip you (What Is a Guilt Trip and How to Recognize If Someone Is Using It on You – Learning Mind). At this point in my journey, I feel like it is my responsibility not to be a victim of a guilt trip. Falling for a guilt trip takes two--I am standing up for myself by not feeling bad about myself or my desire to take care of my children. However, our children are adults so, of course, I do not expect them to stay, it is just I would like to be together as a family while the uncertainty of this virus persists.

My H wants me to speed up the process of getting the family member to move out and feels like I am not concerned about his life if I do not. Many times he says that none of us show concern for him. For years and years, I feel like he has pressured me to choose between him and our children. He would say that my emphasis on my feelings is another one of my mental illness issues. I do not deny having a mental illness but IMO, I am managing it OK and I feel like making the best choices in life is about both our emotions (what makes us happy) and logic.

Last edited by TunedOut; Apr 05, 2020 at 07:17 AM..
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Default Apr 05, 2020 at 03:55 PM
  #4
Hi (((TunedOut))), from what you have shared, it sounds like your husband doesn't like how you think about emotions and also have your own emotional needs because he doesn't know what to do about emotions. Some people are like that, they prefer to handle things with "Do A, Do B, do C". Often, in my own experience, that often presents with ADHD, especially in males. Often it's just too taxing on them to sit with someone elses emotions, they are much more "action" oriented. It's not that your husband doesn't care about you, but he keeps trying to let you know he doesn't "care" to deal with emotions. And mostly what he does feel when it comes to that is "anger". And often what I find with my husband who's brain is wired with adhd and dyslexia, is they tend to "absorb" emotions so they tend to get very impatient when another person gets too emotional.

I think it's important to understand that while some people do "guilt trip", some people are not actually guilt tripping, but instead keep trying to tell you something and they feel you are not listening.

What I am picking up from what you shared is that your husband really does feel this other man is invading HIS territory. I understand you feel sorry for this man, you do want to help him and you "feel" for him. Well, your husband is trying to tell you in different ways that he wants you to "feel" for him, and not put "him" at risk by "feeling" for this other man. Perhaps your huband feels you are guilt tripping him when you don't hear his concerns and continue to show you prefer to "feel" for this other man. I have to be honest with you, considering this other man works a job and is exposed to other people, it does bring a real risk considering what is going on with this Covid19 challenge. I can't blame your husband for being angry and I don't think the guilt tripping article is part of what you are experiencing in this particular challenge. People of all ages are dying, it's really understandable your husband is worried and wants to minimize any risk. And it really sounds like your husband keeps saying "wait a minute feel for me, what about me?".

Does that make sense to you TunedOut?
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Default Apr 05, 2020 at 04:28 PM
  #5
To answer your question about positive outcome. My husband and I get to spend much more time together, which is normally a luxury. His work hours didn’t change and in fact increased while I just do online work due to the shut down, so I am home. That allows us to spend time together when he is off. That’s a big positive. But I mean obviously we’d rather there was no pandemics

As about situation with your husband and a relative. I hear you!

It’s such a common dilemma and challenge of how much help should we give to family members. How much is too much. And often spouses don’t agree on it.

I’d say it’s especially challenging when we deal with family, not just random people. I was raised to put family first so I’d never say no they can’t temporarily move in (due to legitimate unexpected hardship, or illness, not sheer laziness) to my parents or my brother or nephews or my husband’s sister etc and obviously our kids. My husband is the same way BUT if he wanted some third cousin or perhaps an acquaintance to move in it would be a very different story. Hmm our house isn’t a hotel

Both of your views are valid. You want to help a family member and your husband feels it’s unnecessary and is endangering him. I wonder if it would help to have a time frame of him moving out. If your husband knows when this person moves out, he might feel a bit better? Like he won’t feel that it will never end?
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Default Apr 05, 2020 at 04:30 PM
  #6
same post posted twice, delete, delete, delete

Last edited by divine1966; Apr 05, 2020 at 05:04 PM.. Reason: Double post
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Default Apr 05, 2020 at 05:22 PM
  #7
So many of us are in this dilemma re CV19. I feel for you all.

All I can think to say is your family member should follow a strict decontamination procedure immediately upon return to the home:

1. Outdoor clothes to stay in separate area away from living area (porch or garage).

2. Have bin bag waiting inside entrance put all uniform in - do not shake clothes. Have disinfectant by door - disinfect work shoes and leave in separate area.

3. Hot shower lots of soap/antibacterial if possible, hair wash and of course special attention paid to hands.

4. Uniform straight on hot wash, bio laundry powder, laundry bleach if possible.

That will minimise others exposure to any contamination but in addition your relative must take extreme care at work to regularly wash and sanitize hands/not touch face and disinfect any shared equipment (pricing guns, cash registers). Wow it's just so exhausting but hopefully that will help.

Oh and absolutely separate towels and cutlery and crockery. Use a dishwasher if possible.

Hope this helps reassure your H and that your relative will actively comply with this routine.

I think your H is being reasonable and I hope he stays well.
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Default Apr 05, 2020 at 05:25 PM
  #8
We too have had a very calm and cooperative household under lockdown (2 weeks now) it certainly concentrates us on priorities.
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Default Apr 05, 2020 at 05:38 PM
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My H wants me to speed up the process of getting the family member to move out and feels like I am not concerned about his life if I do not. Many times he says that none of us show concern for him. For years and years, I feel like he has pressured me to choose between him and our children. He would say that my emphasis on my feelings is another one of my mental illness issues. I do not deny having a mental illness but IMO, I am managing it OK and I feel like making the best choices in life is about both our emotions (what makes us happy) and logic.
I wanted to address this part of your post, I got interupted with things going on at my farm and did not get to address your entire post.

I agree with you in that life is about understanding and sharing our emtions, but also using logic too. Sometimes we can have a partner that simply isn't good at talking about the past and how that affects us and our choices we make in the now. That's why our therapists can be our life savers because that's their specialty.

How did your husband make you choose him over your children?
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Default Apr 05, 2020 at 05:48 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by Discombobulated View Post
So many of us are in this dilemma re CV19. I feel for you all.

All I can think to say is your family member should follow a strict decontamination procedure immediately upon return to the home:

1. Outdoor clothes to stay in separate area away from living area (porch or garage).

2. Have bin bag waiting inside entrance put all uniform in - do not shake clothes. Have disinfectant by door - disinfect work shoes and leave in separate area.

3. Hot shower lots of soap/antibacterial if possible, hair wash and of course special attention paid to hands.

4. Uniform straight on hot wash, bio laundry powder, laundry bleach if possible.

That will minimise others exposure to any contamination but in addition your relative must take extreme care at work to regularly wash and sanitize hands/not touch face and disinfect any shared equipment (pricing guns, cash registers). Wow it's just so exhausting but hopefully that will help.

Oh and absolutely separate towels and cutlery and crockery. Use a dishwasher if possible.

Hope this helps reassure your H and that your relative will actively comply with this routine.

I think your H is being reasonable and I hope he stays well.
Excellent idea. That’s what my husband does when he walks in literally everything is stripped into a special separate bin for washing and he immediately marches to the faucet to wash hands and to hot shower

My nephew asked us if I spray my husband with bleach when he walks in. Pretty much! Ha

It’s an excellent suggestion for your family member to follow decontamination steps.

And big thank you to Tuned Out family member for going to work and facing public. I feel that grocery store employees are right there with health care workers in a front line of this
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Default Apr 05, 2020 at 05:49 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
I think it's important to understand that while some people do "guilt trip", some people are not actually guilt tripping, but instead keep trying to tell you something and they feel you are not listening.
I do acknowledge that I have not always consistently made my husband feel loved and listened to in the way that he wants to be and that he should be the priority, not our children.

However, this adult child has only received one paycheck so far (less than $200) and recently got off of the streets--he lost everything there, clothes, his computer was destroyed when another homeless person bashed it over his head, all these types of things. This child (mid twenties) has been through a lot of tough lessons for many years including not being allowed to return home until being willing to get the proper help. He does seem to be doing a lot better now. I thank God everyday that he is getting help and seems to be doing well but he was first kicked out at age 18 and does need help.

Yes, it is a dilemma, Divine, who do you help if money is tight? Hard choices for so many.

Thanks for all the decontamination suggestions Discombobulated, I will discuss them with my family tommorrow.
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Default Apr 05, 2020 at 05:57 PM
  #12
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Originally Posted by TunedOut View Post

Yes, it is a dilemma, Divine, who do you help if money is tight? Hard choices for so many.
Yes if money is tight, helping one’s children would be absolute priority (for me). That’s your son. That’s what parents do.

Now in my opinion helping shouldn’t be enabling like letting them lay around and do nothing.

But this isn’t your situation. He is getting help, he works, he tries to better himself. Yes eventually he would need his own place, but definitely not now.

Good for him trying and good for you being there for him. As long as he is trying, your help is totally justified

Yes do follow steps of decontamination

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Default Apr 05, 2020 at 06:10 PM
  #13
TunedOut, I am confused, is this family member one of your own children? If that's the case I personally would want my child to be able to live at home if need be until he/she can get back on his/her own feet.

I am sorry, I have been distracted due to things going on here at my farm today as we have had visitors that have been going stir crazy and have come here but have to follow certain rules of social distancing while here. There are positives to these visitors coming that's nice, but at the same time we are engaging in respecting social distancing practices.
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Default Apr 05, 2020 at 09:55 PM
  #14
Positive outcomes for me is the Serenity prayer is really helping me cope. Plus the COVID-19 virus is pulling my family together I wish everyone well with either coping, fighting the virus and your daily lives.
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Default Apr 06, 2020 at 03:16 AM
  #15
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TunedOut, I am confused, is this family member one of your own children? If that's the case I personally would want my child to be able to live at home if need be until he/she can get back on his/her own feet.

I am sorry, I have been distracted due to things going on here at my farm today as we have had visitors that have been going stir crazy and have come here but have to follow certain rules of social distancing while here. There are positives to these visitors coming that's nice, but at the same time we are engaging in respecting social distancing practices.
It's OK, I was trying to hide as much as I could about them as I could while still explaining the problem so it would be easy to be confused. The are young and have their whole life ahead of them so I don't want to put to much info out there about them.

You are healing from a lot of trauma. That you post so much is a symptom of it. I posted a lot when when my username was Mysterious and Hopingtrying--you helped me so much back then too! I appreciate how caring you have been. Some of the advice was very helpful!!!
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Default Apr 06, 2020 at 05:30 AM
  #16
If there are any positives (and really how could there be?) it is that I have finally clearly seen who the selfish and petty people are (in my life) that I need to let go of...these are people who do not even once mention how many people are suffering and dying because of the coronavirus, but only are concerned with minor inconveniences.

On the other hand the people I know to always be generous and true have proved themselves to be that and more, and are mainly concerned with keeping social distancing for the good of all. They don't complain, never miss a chance to comfort another, and can see an end in sight. These few are people I will keep in my life, with deepened appreciation.

My church has been particularly good with efforts at community outreach while maintaining social distancing. The have made good use of a phone tree, and social media. I am really proud of their ability to adapt, and readiness to be of comfort and support.

Finally, the earth has been less polluted, wild animals have moved about more freely, and even the noise level on earth has been reduced.

It shows what can be done with everyone cooperating a little bit more each day. However, I cannot really say I believe that it is a good thing this has come about in this way. Too much loss of life. Many, many, many families suffering, grieving, financial difficulties, separation anxiety, and heartache. Medical professionals and their families have had too heavy a burden to carry, and I am certain many will end up with PTSD. Many people who cannot afford to stay home from work still must use public transportation in urban areas, and they are doing so at great risk.

I have not personally benefited as social isolation is the last thing I need having been socially isolated before this all began. I am now thrown into financial crisis. I don't have much support. But I am continuing to keep social distance and isolation, alone, so as to not get sick and be a burden.

I was suffering from depression before this crisis and was planning to do everything I could to get out of social isolation. Now I am once again planning for a future that will not involve so much isolation...but it will be a changed future, and maybe not an easy one.

I will be very happy to return to my church and be able to attend services with the rest of the congregation. It will be nice to just be out and among people...however, we don't yet know, if ever, things will return to the old normal.

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Last edited by DechanDawa; Apr 06, 2020 at 06:07 AM..
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Default Apr 06, 2020 at 08:54 AM
  #17
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If there are any positives (and really how could there be?) it is that I have finally clearly seen who the selfish and petty people are (in my life) that I need to let go of...these are people who do not even once mention how many people are suffering and dying because of the coronavirus, but only are concerned with minor inconveniences.

On the other hand the people I know to always be generous and true have proved themselves to be that and more, and are mainly concerned with keeping social distancing for the good of all. They don't complain, never miss a chance to comfort another, and can see an end in sight. These few are people I will keep in my life, with deepened appreciation.

My church has been particularly good with efforts at community outreach while maintaining social distancing. The have made good use of a phone tree, and social media. I am really proud of their ability to adapt, and readiness to be of comfort and support.

Finally, the earth has been less polluted, wild animals have moved about more freely, and even the noise level on earth has been reduced.

It shows what can be done with everyone cooperating a little bit more each day. However, I cannot really say I believe that it is a good thing this has come about in this way. Too much loss of life. Many, many, many families suffering, grieving, financial difficulties, separation anxiety, and heartache. Medical professionals and their families have had too heavy a burden to carry, and I am certain many will end up with PTSD. Many people who cannot afford to stay home from work still must use public transportation in urban areas, and they are doing so at great risk.

I have not personally benefited as social isolation is the last thing I need having been socially isolated before this all began. I am now thrown into financial crisis. I don't have much support. But I am continuing to keep social distance and isolation, alone, so as to not get sick and be a burden.

I was suffering from depression before this crisis and was planning to do everything I could to get out of social isolation. Now I am once again planning for a future that will not involve so much isolation...but it will be a changed future, and maybe not an easy one.

I will be very happy to return to my church and be able to attend services with the rest of the congregation. It will be nice to just be out and among people...however, we don't yet know, if ever, things will return to the old normal.
I know change is hard to get used to and that the death and sickness causes hardships and sadness for many; however, those of us who believe can try to leave the worry to God. Hard times helps many grow and become better. Things might be shaken up in such a way that your future could become better in some way. Bad things might be helping us in ways we don't understand.

I agree that it is a confusing time but maybe some of the bad actors in places of power are being humbled or removed from there roles. Hopefully, better things and people will take the place of those who proved selfish and ineffective during these challenging times.

I pray that you will have better opportunities on the other side of this. Try to remember the bright side. I am looking forward to my walk today. Springtime is great time. The universe seems to be about cycles, people are young and then old, good times never last forever but neither do bad times, etc. We can't change much of what may come but we might be able to find a niche somewhere where we can thrive. Hang in there! Hugs!
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Default Apr 06, 2020 at 02:11 PM
  #18
Even if we believe we can be sad. There is a story about this in Buddhism. A son dies and the father cries over the body. Others admonish the father saying it is wrong to feel sad. But the father says, "No, it is never wrong. In fact, it is right, and fitting, and is important. Grief is love." I think I paraphrase that. Anyway this thread is about expressing ourselves and not about being admonished or preached to for how we think or feel.

For me, the time to look on the sunny side will come but is is not here and it is not now. I think now is the time to expand our hearts and have compassion, and that entails acknowledging that many are in pain and suffering. If my brother or sister suffer than I too, suffer.

We are also in the middle of a Climate Crisis and as stewards of the earth we have done a very bad job. The fact that the earth has started to recover in this short time just shows how our way of life causes constant damage and destruction. The bad time of the pandemic may be over...for now. But it could be seasonal, the medical specialists warn.

When this present pandemic is over we will go back to polluting the earth. It is said we are all now infected with micro plastic as we all ingest and absorb micro plastics daily. Where I live micro plastics were found in the snow on the highest mountain peaks. Not a little bit either...but handfuls of the stuff when they took a bucket of snow and melted it.

I will not discuss religion, faith, spiritual belief or engage in God talk here. There are other sections on this site for that. I am grateful to my church for its community outreach, which I think has been a lovely and appropriate response during this time.

This earth will come to an end. It is not made to be eternal. It is sad that in the very short time it has been in existence humanity had to ruin its pristine beauty with greed and gain. If you have ever seen pictures of the lake of death in Mongolia you would have to agree that industrial waste is murdering this planet, and its people. In comparison this pandemic is but a blip on a radar screen.

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Default Apr 07, 2020 at 08:49 PM
  #19
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You are healing from a lot of trauma. That you post so much is a symptom of it.
Yes, thank you for recognizing that TunedOut. Just as things were starting to get worse with the Covid 19 things were STILL very toxic with my sister and trying to deal with her despite how horrifically toxic she can be. She was horrible each time my husband and a friend helping him would put an effort into picking up items by a certain date. My brother has had my husband be his agent for doing that for him as my brother has been dealing with his cancer challenge. And the last item my sister refused to let us retrieve and she is just SO SELFISH because my brother's cancer doctors did NOT want him traveling due to the Covid 19 danger that's very real. She's just so incredibly selfish and mean has to create drama every single interaction. It's incredibly embarrassing that other people just trying to help my husband are exposed to just how horrible she can be.

I was extremely triggered by that because she refused to tend to my father's teeth, constantly sighting no money and she would not even let me and my brother chip in to take him to see the dentist. I learned that while that was going on my sister was literally taking thousands of dollars for "herself" out of my mother money she wanted to hide. My father collapsed with pneumonia and his heart got weak which is what can happen when the teeth are badly neglected the way she was neglecting them. I was not allowed to visit my father in the hospital, and quite honestly I had told my sister my concern about his health and how her neglecting his teeth could end up costing more in health problems. I was right because that's what happened. I did call the hospital and talked to a nurse and tearfully pleaded with her to PLEASE have the doctor look at his teeth.

I get so sick because there WAS money there to pay for the care of his teeth, she just did not want to spend it but wanted it for HERSELF. IN her accounting one credit card charge was explained as being for makeup, almost $600, and my mother hardly wore makeup, just lipstick. I am thinking that went for her daughter getting her hair done, manicure, pedicure and those fake eyelashes that is all the fad now. Just Sick LIES again.

Well, the positive about this Covid 19 lockdown and social isolating is at least I get some time AWAY from this challenge. I have not had a break for a really long time (talking years now) and I have so much to grieve I get overwhelmed. My house has so much stuff from my parents and I have not been able to even touch it, and I basically pretty much get overcome with sadness and depression and want to just sleep.

I had a lot of deaths in a row and got very overwhelmed by it all and the grief has been horrible.

Last edited by Open Eyes; Apr 07, 2020 at 09:04 PM..
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Default Apr 08, 2020 at 03:18 AM
  #20
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
My brother has had my husband be his agent for doing that for him as my brother has been dealing with his cancer challenge.

My house has so much stuff from my parents and I have not been able to even touch it, and I basically pretty much get overcome with sadness and depression and want to just sleep.

I had a lot of deaths in a row and got very overwhelmed by it all and the grief has been horrible.
You have been through a lot and it is OK to let your parents things wait until you are strong enough to sort through it. When you are tired, don't feel guilty about resting. Do you ever take mid day naps?

Your husband sounds very supportive, I am glad you have him. Sending positive energy and prayers to you, your husband and your brother.
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