Negative Conversations with My Mom

I called my mom this morning. I had some good news to share with her. She wasn't very nice or supportive about it. Then she said she got a text form M and had to go to see what he wanted. It made me feel like I wasn't important enough to have a conversation with. She has done this before. Many times. And if it's not a text from M, it's that her grandchild wants to play games on her phone. Again, another indication that a conversation with me just doesn't matter. It fuels my worthless feelings. I just want to quit calling her.

My online T suggests I set boundaries. But I have tried that in the past, and my mom just gets angry. So I guess I just need to stay away from her. It's obvious she doesn't care about me.

Have you experienced something similar? What do you do?

Dear Deilla,

I'm so sorry that happened to you and I think your feelings are totally understandable.

I often wish I had a better relationship with my mother.

The only way I find peace is to realize that she is probably the way she is because of how she was brought up. That gives me some tranquility.

I sure hope you find things that will help you in the unhappy situation you are in!

Sincerely yours -- Yao Wen

Hi Deilla, I'm sorry you're experiencing this from your Mom. can you talk to her about how her actions make you feel? It sounds like there are other issues, as well, since your therapist said to set boundaries and you mother gets mad? Perhaps some distance IS a good idea.

Thank you both. Talking to her about it would only create trouble. And I don't know if I truly understand her behavior. It just makes me feel like she cares more for her grandchildren (one of which is grown) than she does her first born. Her adult grandchild, M, doesn't respect her and just uses her. But she drops everything for him. I just have to let it go. It's a sad situation. And I agree, some distance is probably best.

I've been reading a WikiHow post on how to deal with rejection from a parent. It has a lot of stuff that's helpful.

Hi (((Deilla))) I think you are getting confused about boundaries. The boundaries are more for yourself so you can learn to break free from experiencing these often upsetting emotions you experience. Your mother is NOT capable of giving you what you need. When that happens it NEVER means you are not worthy of being appreciated. Instead it means the other person doesn't KNOW HOW to appreciate you. Your mother doesn't have that kind of depth to her. That's why she tends to make so many excuses every time you try to ask her to.

I know this is a challenge, moms are supposed to be more caring aren't they? Well, often they are not and it's mostly because they simply don't know how.

I've had a very difficult day. My depression was the worst it's been in a long time. I was having a good day until I tried to talk to her. It's my fault. I had the poor reaction. It's my thoughts that ruined my day. But she was the one who triggered it. I haven't coped well today. I made myself sick. I suffered all day because of it. And now I dislike my mother more than ever. I blame her. She's totally insensitive. But still, it's my fault because I let her get to me. So maybe I should be down on myself. Maybe I should hate myself. I'll HATE my mother and I'll HATE myself.

Tomorrow is a new day. What I decide to do will impact how I feel. I will just move forward and try to learn from this.

Part of me wants to write her a letter that I'll never mail. I want to write about how much she hurts me. How she constantly lets me down. How I'm tired of trying and always getting hurt. I don't care that she's incapable of loving anyone. It's no excuse.

Don't hesitate to write a letter you don't send.
When I was younger and my parents' alive, I used to call them after I left home and had the kind of experience you describe. (& I wrote letters they didn't answer...) It went on for years (and my husband at the time would say "Why do you do that?"---he pointed out that I called my parents when I was depressed and came off the phone much more depressed)
Jump ahead and I end up being the one to help my parents, --- through my brother's death, my dad's cancer, my mom's dementia....life is strange...(I was the "incompetent" one in their eyes-------------oddly, at work I was the 'competent' one...) I did learn that much of their behavior had nothing to do with me....
This is NOT a recommendation that you keep trying for something you cannot get from your mom. Just that you realize that your mom isn't able to give you what you need and that it is not about you. And that is what hurts us---it isn't about us.
It is time to get busy in other activities. Work with your T on coping skills that do NOT involve calling your mom. Now, I am simply grateful that my own kids are adult, productive, and know I love them and they can call me if needed (they rarely need anything)---and that I have open invitations to visit them...so, something went right after all....

Be kind to yourself, Deilla. Write the letter and don't send it. Work with your T on coping skills that don't involve your mother.

Oh (((Deilla))), you are being way too hard on yourself dear one. When someone is insensitive like this "it hurts" and that is normal. You have a right to experience your own feelings. You can't punish yourself by simply being human, that simply won't do for your mental health which is what the depression is telling you.

What I just highlighted here is how you have turned your anger inward, that's what leads to the depression you are now experiencing. You are young yet and you still need to learn how not to give another person that much control over you. My saying that is not meant to "self punish" the way you are doing in what I highlighted.

In our lives we will encounter other human beings, both male and female that are not sensitive the the things we consider important and worthy of respect. It NEVER means things we achieve in our lives don't have value. All it really means is that it doesn't have value to others. YET, there will be other human beings CAPABLE of respecting the value and the effort you put into whatever you achieved. Most of the time the only way a person can respect and appreciate is when they themselves have to go through whatever the challenges happen to be in order to achieve what someone else has achieved. Or, even suffer what others have suffered through as well.

Unfortuantely, often a parent can be a LOUSY parent. I have seen that problem A LOT in my life. I have seen some bad things result from that, some very sad things that a child NEVER deserved to feel about themselves. Many times I have observed parents so self involved that their children don't get any good nurturing at all when they literally did nothing to deserve being ignored and emotionally neglected. Often their salvation happens when they come across a good caring mentor adult presence. A presence that CAN see them and appreciate them the way they deserve.

What I CAN tell you is you simply cannot MAKE another person appreciate and respect you. Especially if that person doesn't know how and they simply DO NOT have it in them. An apple is an apple and you cannot change it into and orange no matter how many letters you write. And if your mother leans narcissistic, the ONLY way to relate to her will be all about HER and how wonderful SHE is. She simply CANNOT do that for you. So you may as well learn that FACT. With that FACT you will need to learn how to NOT beat yourself up for that either which is what you are showing in what I highlighted. Your mother most likely is simply not going to have the kind of depth to her that keep wishing of her either. She is what is called "a shallow person". You are dealing with a car that has no engine and you keep going to try to start that car so you can get someplace with it, and it simply will not start up and run. And you continue to expect it to act like it has an engine and then you get upset and then you practice unhealthy self punishments.

It's better to look for a car out there that HAS an engine and CAN actually help you get places. And also, create a healthy engine within yourself so you get their on your own without needing other cars with no engines in them.

Thank you! Yes, it seems best to accept what is. And it's also important for me to find other coping skills and rely on myself more. I appreciate the feedback. It's given me something to consider.

Today I felt much better. No, I don't want to give my power away. I stayed busy with chores and I showed myself more compassion today. Tomorrow, I intend to do the same. Thanks again for all the support.

That's better (((Deilla))). Allow yourself to have feelings, remind yourself you are human. Sometimes we hand our heart to the wrong person too. And if that happens to be a parent, some decide it must be them, they are not worthy when that is simply not the case.

Do you have to talk to your mother often?

Have you ever looked into "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers".. there's a behaviour check-list N mothers exhibit. It's worth a read.

Yes, you can look up behaviors of Narcissistic mothers and see if what you read rings bells for you. I don't care to go right to that reason as it's not always the reason for lack of nurturing. Sometimes the mother genuinely is clueless.

It's why I mentioned to look at the check list to see if anything else stands out. There's a list of 33 items. When I did it, I found my mother to exhibit 29/33.. which was quite real for me. It also allowed me to heal because it answered a lot of my questions I harboured for years.

She only talks to me when I call. She never calls me. But I've been so upset by this cornavirus that I was calling more often. Normally I talk to her twice a week. I haven't called her since this incident happened. I don't plan to call her again. If she wants to know how I'm doing, she can call me. But she never calls any of her children. So I doubt I will hear from her.

Thanks! I'll take a look at that.

I went for almost a week without calling my mom. She got worried about me. My sister told me she was asking about me. She also called me. I am shocked. I didn't think she would do that. I guess she does care. But she has a strange way of showing it. I called her back the next day. She actually talked to me for 30 minutes. Another shock. All I could do was try not to judge her but show compassion for what she was saying. She's really scared of this virus.

This is crazy time, isn’t it. It would be ideal if everyone was supportive in this trying time. But sadly not everyone is.

You can’t change how people are. You can’t change your mom. But you can change your reaction. In situations when you can’t stop contacts like if it’s family, it’s recommend to limit and shorten contact. Call less often. And and if mom says something offensive end a conversation. Tell her you got to go, use the bathroom, something burning on a stove, etc etc If she gets angry, it’s on her and you not going to know because conversation is over. She can be angry in her own house

And it’s a good idea to show compassion for her suffering. I bet she is scared.

Hugs and hang in there. The whole world now is struggling.

This very much sounds like NDP to me. Sorry. Did you ever look into it? Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. It's quite something.