advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
rdgrad15
Magnate
rdgrad15 Keep striving to be happy and maintain a positive mental attitude! :)
 
Member Since: Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,740
5 yr Member
199 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Mar 28, 2020 at 03:47 PM
  #1
Has anyone dealt with someone who can't seem to make up their mind about whether they are okay with something or not? For example, they may agree to help you out with something and even say they are okay with it but then complain about it at a later time. And they constantly do it too, not to just you, but with everyone else too. And it doesn't have to be just about favors. It can also be hosting as well. My friend's parents used to constantly host events at their house and they claimed to like it, but when it would come to the day of the event, I would hear them talking about wishing they didn't have to do it. If you don't want to do it, then don't do it. Someone else can.

It is also why I don't like accepting invitations to take whatever I want out to eat when I'm at a friend's house. A while back I posted how I worried that even though they claimed that they didn't mind. I found out that they actually do and that's why I'm glad I listened to my gut. My friend's mom once said that she was okay with me and my friend to finish off a small bowl of ravioli. There was another container of it that was not cooked yet right by it. So we finished off the small bowl. The next day, her mom goes to make it and sees that the bowl is gone. She got mad and said, "Well, I guess I'm not making a whole lot of ravioli now am I?" Why allow it if you don't want people eating it.

I felt bad about it though. There were other cases where she would allow someone to eat something but then when that person left the room, she would get annoyed about it. Another reason I'm glad I don't just take stuff even though they say they're okay with it is because once I saw someone else doing it and my friend's dad said, "Oh you're going through the fridge? Ryan is here all the time and even he doesn't do that." He didn't yell, but I got a sense that he wasn't too happy about it. Makes me glad I don't do it. You never know if someone is truly okay with something. They could pretend to be okay with something but secretly not like it and if it is an offer, the person may secretly hope you're not going to accept.

I've also seen people allow someone to come over to their house and say they are fine with it, only for them to say they were never okay with it to begin with. I know some people who are willing to help others with rides or other favors, only for them to say they aren't okay with it. And in some cases, they will go back and say they are okay with it again. Even my parents can be like that. Coworkers, and even friends have done stuff like that. Not just to me, but to other people as well. They will say they're okay with something, then next thing you know, they are mad at whoever is accepting an offer or needing help. Do you have any clues as to why some people can be so indecisive? When this happens, it causes me to not always accept offers from whoever may be extremely indecisive. Just wondered what you guys thought.
rdgrad15 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Open Eyes, Yaowen

advertisement
Yaowen
Grand Magnate
 
Yaowen's Avatar
Yaowen has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2020
Location: USA
Posts: 3,618 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
6,475 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Mar 31, 2020 at 12:48 PM
  #2
Dear rdgrad15,

The situation you describe so well is something I am familiar with and is so frustrating and aggravating. I think your feelings are completely understandable and I can relate from my own personal experience. I wish people were not like that.

To keep my sanity I have had to lower my expectations regarding my fellow human beings. That is the only thing that seems to help me keep some peace of mind and joy of living.

There was a famous Greek philosopher [whose name I forget]. He said that there are only two ways to maintain one's peace of mind in a crazy world.

One way is to control all those people one comes in contact with. This way, he said, was impossible since we are not gods who can control everything.

The other way is to lower our expectations for others which might be something we could control although it would involve effort to make it habitual and second nature.

I think he underestimated how much effort would be involved.

I was raised to be a perfectionist so lowering my expectations about others was not easy and I would never claim to have mastered that art. For a long time I preferred hanging on to my expectations rather than lower them, but this took such a toll on my life and robbed me of all peace and joy of living.

I am happier now that I have more realistic expectations.

Whether from malice or simply upbringing or both, whether from inner mental struggles and turmoils or just fatigue, people are going to do undesirable things. I expect it.

I expect people to speed on the roadways, try to cut in, say hurtful things, be unpredictable and insensitive. I wish they would be better. But wishes don't cause me stress. It is only expectations that cause me stress so I have lowered mine. I don't know any other way to keep my sanity when so many things are, how do say in English . . . "going south."

I know that what helps me might not help you or others. I do hope you find something that allows you to proceed through life with peace of mind and joy of living. You deserve those things!

So sorry I could not be helpful to you today. I hope other members will provide words that are helpful to you!

Sincerely yours, -- Yao Wen.
Yaowen is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
rdgrad15
rdgrad15
Magnate
rdgrad15 Keep striving to be happy and maintain a positive mental attitude! :)
 
Member Since: Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,740
5 yr Member
199 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Mar 31, 2020 at 02:16 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yaowen View Post
Dear rdgrad15,

The situation you describe so well is something I am familiar with and is so frustrating and aggravating. I think your feelings are completely understandable and I can relate from my own personal experience. I wish people were not like that.

To keep my sanity I have had to lower my expectations regarding my fellow human beings. That is the only thing that seems to help me keep some peace of mind and joy of living.

There was a famous Greek philosopher [whose name I forget]. He said that there are only two ways to maintain one's peace of mind in a crazy world.

One way is to control all those people one comes in contact with. This way, he said, was impossible since we are not gods who can control everything.

The other way is to lower our expectations for others which might be something we could control although it would involve effort to make it habitual and second nature.

I think he underestimated how much effort would be involved.

I was raised to be a perfectionist so lowering my expectations about others was not easy and I would never claim to have mastered that art. For a long time I preferred hanging on to my expectations rather than lower them, but this took such a toll on my life and robbed me of all peace and joy of living.

I am happier now that I have more realistic expectations.

Whether from malice or simply upbringing or both, whether from inner mental struggles and turmoils or just fatigue, people are going to do undesirable things. I expect it.

I expect people to speed on the roadways, try to cut in, say hurtful things, be unpredictable and insensitive. I wish they would be better. But wishes don't cause me stress. It is only expectations that cause me stress so I have lowered mine. I don't know any other way to keep my sanity when so many things are, how do say in English . . . "going south."

I know that what helps me might not help you or others. I do hope you find something that allows you to proceed through life with peace of mind and joy of living. You deserve those things!

So sorry I could not be helpful to you today. I hope other members will provide words that are helpful to you!

Sincerely yours, -- Yao Wen.
Thank you! Oh I never knew that was a saying but it makes perfect sense and I’ve done that myself. I’ve lowered my expectations because I know no one is perfect and some people, in the examples I’ve provided as well as many many more that I have not mentioned, will do undesirable things that may come off as manipulative or just rude. Both intentionally and unintentionally. Like you said, it’s the only way to not become as hurt.
rdgrad15 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,093 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
21.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Mar 31, 2020 at 06:26 PM
  #4
A lot of people will say things to be gracious but in reality, they don't know what being "gracious" really means so that's what you are constantly hearing that sounds like so many don't know what they want.
Open Eyes is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
medievalbushman, rdgrad15
rdgrad15
Magnate
rdgrad15 Keep striving to be happy and maintain a positive mental attitude! :)
 
Member Since: Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,740
5 yr Member
199 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Mar 31, 2020 at 07:04 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
A lot of people will say things to be gracious but in reality, they don't know what being "gracious" really means so that's what you are constantly hearing that sounds like so many don't know what they want.
Yeah makes sense. So basically they are saying things to be nice but in reality, they feel the opposite way. I've always wondered that and it's why I'm very careful about who I accept offers from and how often as well. Especially if it involves inconveniencing someone. For example, I don't drive, so I do a lot of walking. Every so often someone will ask why I didn't ask them for a ride. But that same person will get annoyed when I actually do ask for a ride. Makes me think that even when they are offering a favor, they secretly hope I decline.

Same for eating at my friend's house. Her mom has told me that since I'm there a lot, I should feel comfortable to just eat whatever I want and that I'm more than welcome to do so. But I know that she doesn't actually mean that. That's just her being polite. I would never just take food out of their fridge. Or anyone's fridge. No one really likes that. I appreciate the offer but I do not want to cross boundaries. And I think doing that is going too far even if they say they're okay with it since one day, they may show that they really aren't.
rdgrad15 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Open Eyes
Anonymous44430
Guest
Anonymous44430 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Apr 01, 2020 at 03:28 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by rdgrad15 View Post
Has anyone dealt with someone who can't seem to make up their mind about whether they are okay with something or not? For example, they may agree to help you out with something and even say they are okay with it but then complain about it at a later time. And they constantly do it too, not to just you, but with everyone else too. And it doesn't have to be just about favors. It can also be hosting as well. My friend's parents used to constantly host events at their house and they claimed to like it, but when it would come to the day of the event, I would hear them talking about wishing they didn't have to do it. If you don't want to do it, then don't do it. Someone else can.

It is also why I don't like accepting invitations to take whatever I want out to eat when I'm at a friend's house. A while back I posted how I worried that even though they claimed that they didn't mind. I found out that they actually do and that's why I'm glad I listened to my gut. My friend's mom once said that she was okay with me and my friend to finish off a small bowl of ravioli. There was another container of it that was not cooked yet right by it. So we finished off the small bowl. The next day, her mom goes to make it and sees that the bowl is gone. She got mad and said, "Well, I guess I'm not making a whole lot of ravioli now am I?" Why allow it if you don't want people eating it.

I felt bad about it though. There were other cases where she would allow someone to eat something but then when that person left the room, she would get annoyed about it. Another reason I'm glad I don't just take stuff even though they say they're okay with it is because once I saw someone else doing it and my friend's dad said, "Oh you're going through the fridge? Ryan is here all the time and even he doesn't do that." He didn't yell, but I got a sense that he wasn't too happy about it. Makes me glad I don't do it. You never know if someone is truly okay with something. They could pretend to be okay with something but secretly not like it and if it is an offer, the person may secretly hope you're not going to accept.

I've also seen people allow someone to come over to their house and say they are fine with it, only for them to say they were never okay with it to begin with. I know some people who are willing to help others with rides or other favors, only for them to say they aren't okay with it. And in some cases, they will go back and say they are okay with it again. Even my parents can be like that. Coworkers, and even friends have done stuff like that. Not just to me, but to other people as well. They will say they're okay with something, then next thing you know, they are mad at whoever is accepting an offer or needing help. Do you have any clues as to why some people can be so indecisive? When this happens, it causes me to not always accept offers from whoever may be extremely indecisive. Just wondered what you guys thought.
They haven't the balls to say what they mean
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
rdgrad15
rdgrad15
Magnate
rdgrad15 Keep striving to be happy and maintain a positive mental attitude! :)
 
Member Since: Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,740
5 yr Member
199 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 01, 2020 at 04:28 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by LonelyMan View Post
They haven't the balls to say what they mean
Yeah I agree.
rdgrad15 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Fuzzybear
Wisest Elder Ever
 
Fuzzybear's Avatar
Fuzzybear has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,298 (SuperPoster!)
20 yr Member
81.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 07, 2020 at 03:48 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
A lot of people will say things to be gracious but in reality, they don't know what being "gracious" really means so that's what you are constantly hearing that sounds like so many don't know what they want.
I also think this is often the case


__________________
Fuzzybear is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
rdgrad15
rdgrad15
Magnate
rdgrad15 Keep striving to be happy and maintain a positive mental attitude! :)
 
Member Since: Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,740
5 yr Member
199 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 07, 2020 at 05:06 PM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
I also think this is often the case

I agree. Whether they mean it or not, they may say stuff that they don't really mean. So if they offer a favor or invite you to eat out of the fridge, in a lot of cases they probably hope you won't follow through. At least that's how it seems to me.
rdgrad15 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
medievalbushman
Member
 
medievalbushman's Avatar
medievalbushman has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 99
3 yr Member
78 hugs
given
Default Apr 12, 2020 at 12:05 PM
  #10
People will say/do things to be socially acceptable, but for that alone and not for the spirit of the act itself and why it's viewed as admirable by society. You'll see this all the time in religious settings. They'll do it because "it's expected", but they won't take the time to think about why, and in turn they will never really understand when it's perfectly fine for them to retract or not make an offer. This will cause them to develop resentment for the act. So they'll grit their teeth and put on a smile for the sake of appearances, but when they think it's alright they'll complain incessantly about it. People who do this habitually are dishonest with themselves, and in turn dishonest with those around them. Because it's expedient. But it ain't right.

__________________
Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly what a day
medievalbushman is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
rdgrad15
rdgrad15
Magnate
rdgrad15 Keep striving to be happy and maintain a positive mental attitude! :)
 
Member Since: Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,740
5 yr Member
199 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 12, 2020 at 01:32 PM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by medievalbushman View Post
People will say/do things to be socially acceptable, but for that alone and not for the spirit of the act itself and why it's viewed as admirable by society. You'll see this all the time in religious settings. They'll do it because "it's expected", but they won't take the time to think about why, and in turn they will never really understand when it's perfectly fine for them to retract or not make an offer. This will cause them to develop resentment for the act. So they'll grit their teeth and put on a smile for the sake of appearances, but when they think it's alright they'll complain incessantly about it. People who do this habitually are dishonest with themselves, and in turn dishonest with those around them. Because it's expedient. But it ain't right.
Yep I totally agree. That's why when I am at my friend's house and I'm offered food out of the fridge, unless we are about to have dinner, I always decline. And in some rare cases if I'm so hungry that I am feeling weak or even in pain, then I will accept a small amount of food that is inexpensive and easy to replace. But otherwise, I either just wait until we have dinner if that is happening, or me and my friend go out to get food of our own at McDonald's or some place. And I've also brought my own food that I packed to eat, like a sandwich, when no one else would be around and I'm super hungry. Usually during the times when I spend the night and I'm up before everyone else, I'll eat my own food. It may seem disrespectful but I'd rather do that than wait for someone to offer me food especially if they may not want to but feel obligated to.

Another thing is when someone invites people, even you, over only to find out later that they didn't want company. It may not be intentional, but I feel like this could come off as manipulative mind games. Basically saying that they will invite you over but secretly hoping their offer is declined. I've seen a lot of people do that. This goes for any other favors as well from anyone else too. Not just my friend or her parents. That's why I always look for key signs that someone wants me to leave. It is usually easy to tell since body language and actions speak way louder than words. Another way you can tell is if they make very lame unfounded excuses to have the event cancelled or just to ensure that the person who was invited doesn't actually arrive.

Last edited by rdgrad15; Apr 12, 2020 at 01:58 PM..
rdgrad15 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
medievalbushman
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,302 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 12, 2020 at 01:39 PM
  #12
Some things aren’t meant to be interpreted literally. Like if you tell your guests that you want them to feel at home, you don’t actually mean that you want them to move in and treat your house like it’s theirs and walk around in your underwear (if that what one does at hkme). Just be reasonably comfortable

As about going through people’s fridge, I don’t care if I am told it’s ok. Unless I live there or it’s my mom or my daughter, I am not going to open people’s fridge.

Parents of your friends sound like they are pushovers. I understand if all these friends were kids but these are adults. Most people can’t afford feeding that many adults who don’t reside there. Perhaps they are uncomfortable telling people to stop or hope that people would use common sense. Sure it’s much better to be direct but they sound like they aren’t comfortable spelling it out.

I myself am a direct person but I could see how sometimes it’s just hard for some people and they hope that others don’t need things to be spelled out all the time
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
rdgrad15
rdgrad15
Magnate
rdgrad15 Keep striving to be happy and maintain a positive mental attitude! :)
 
Member Since: Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,740
5 yr Member
199 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 12, 2020 at 01:47 PM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Some things aren’t meant to be interpreted literally. Like if you tell your guests that you want them to feel at home, you don’t actually mean that you want them to move in and treat your house like it’s theirs and walk around in your underwear (if that what one does at hkme). Just be reasonably comfortable

As about going through people’s fridge, I don’t care if I am told it’s ok. Unless I live there or it’s my mom or my daughter, I am not going to open people’s fridge.

Parents of your friends sound like they are pushovers. I understand if all these friends were kids but these are adults. Most people can’t afford feeding that many adults who don’t reside there. Perhaps they are uncomfortable telling people to stop or hope that people would use common sense. Sure it’s much better to be direct but they sound like they aren’t comfortable spelling it out.

I myself am a direct person but I could see how sometimes it’s just hard for some people and they hope that others don’t need things to be spelled out all the time
Exactly. I would never ever just go through the fridge unless they said recommended me food to eat. Usually the only time this will happen is if we are about to attend an event and it may be the last time we eat in awhile, then my friend or one of her parents may say, "Here is cereal and there's some meat to make yourself a sandwich." They may even go as far as to pull the stuff out for me and I decide what I want. in that case, I'm more willing to accept since they went through great effort to get me to eat. But other than that, I wouldn't go through their stuff. I agree, I think they are push overs. My real only mistake was eating ravioli with my friend after her mom said we could have some. Even then, I wasn't the one who pulled the stuff out. Also her mom told me a couple times that since they know me well enough and that I'm there a lot, I should feel comfortable and welcomed to take whatever I want from the fridge.

Of course, I'm still not going to do that. The only other exception is if, in the very rare times, that something that belonged to me was in the fridge, when I go to leave, I just take whatever is mine out. But even then, I still let them know what I'm doing. It's all about respect. My friend did, but there was probably something else we missed. Perhaps she wasn't very clear on what didn't care what we ate and what was off limits. I depend on my friend to know better since she knows her mom better than I do, but it is possible that wasn't the case. In fact, there has been numerous times where I was the one who noticed one or both of her parents were unhappy with something, about anything, before my friend even realized it. Good thing is they stopped hosting the events. I honestly don't think they ever really liked it. I'm glad they stopped stressing themselves out. Trust me, it got bad enough to where they actually got into arguments over what to do or what has to be done. Not a good sign, clearly meant they just weren't happy. Ever since they stopped, they've been happier and less stressed.
rdgrad15 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Mountaindewed
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Mountaindewed's Avatar
Mountaindewed NoahsArk30
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 35,834 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
8,652 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 13, 2020 at 04:54 PM
  #14
Yeah I know someone like this. One minute she says she doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her. Then the next day she says “why does everyone hate me?” It’s gotten to the point where it’s clear she’s just seeking attention. Which I think may be the case for many people who say they are ok with something one minute and are not ok with it the next.

__________________
Ridin' with Biden
Mountaindewed is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
divine1966
 
Thanks for this!
rdgrad15
rdgrad15
Magnate
rdgrad15 Keep striving to be happy and maintain a positive mental attitude! :)
 
Member Since: Apr 2016
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,740
5 yr Member
199 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 13, 2020 at 09:10 PM
  #15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mountaindewed View Post
Yeah I know someone like this. One minute she says she doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her. Then the next day she says “why does everyone hate me?” It’s gotten to the point where it’s clear she’s just seeking attention. Which I think may be the case for many people who say they are ok with something one minute and are not ok with it the next.
Yeah I know people like that too. One minute they say they din’t care what others think, only to prove themselves wrong a short time later just like you said. And yeah, I didn’t think of that but attention can be another factor too. I can see that.
rdgrad15 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:16 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.