Are you close to people?

Hi, I was wondering if anyone else feels they can’t make very good connections with people. I know people with traumatic pasts can grow up not sharing their vulnerabilities with people, so they don’t have many real friends. This was true for me, but I feel like I have been very vulnerable and trusting for at least the last few years since starting therapy. Admittedly most people in my life before were men who wanted something from me, and not friends although I did think of them as friends.

Now, in lockdown, everyone I spent time with has disappeared. I understand we can’t physically see each other, but no one has even sent me a message at all. I thought maybe they could be a little worried about me working in a hospital through all this, Or being alone, but nothing. I sent a message to a few people some days ago, but they haven’t even read them. What is wrong with me?

I feel like I have difficulty connecting. I can have some friendly conversations with people and it's nice that way. There are people I know who seem to have an easy time making connections. They get others to come and visit them at their homes. I just can't get that accomplished.

My sister has quite a few contacts with family, though they are long-distance. They call her at times; and friends of hers, too. They rarely visit her but at least they call. My sister is the only one I have contact with in my family. It would be nice to talk to the others in my family like she does. Also if there's any kind of crisis within my immediate family, she seems to be the point of contact and not me.

I doubt very much if there's anything wrong with you. I don't have any suggestions for you. After all, I feel the same way and in the same situation as you.

Since you did reach out, and they didn’t even read the message, I don’t know why that would be. Did they just not check their messages? Do they have something against you and not want to be in contact? I do think their not responding is strange. I’m sorry they don’t even give you support for your part in a hospital. Thank you for doing it!

I have had a struggle with being very disappointed in the lack of care from some of my alleged ‘loved ones’. It’s not that my expectations were too high. Their actions were ice cold. Trauma is the trigger for this repeating pattern for me.

In this pandemic, I sent a group email to the whole family and some of them responded. I then suggested we do a Zoom app group conference, which we did last night. It was cute and nice to just all say hello together and talk about how everyone is doing.

They all thanked me for organizing it and said it was nice and we should do it again.

So, here I am the one with issues, yet it was only me to step up and make the effort to connect. They were happy to do it.

The take away is perhaps, everyone is very selfish. They’re busy with their own issues and they don’t think to reach out to others. Doing it made me feel better about myself and gain some reassurance that my family is still somewhat of a unit.

I know what you mean about your sister being the point of contact. In my family, everyone talks to my mother, but I am not worthy of a call. She is the point of contact, and I guess they assume she will tell me, which she sometimes doesn’t. Or maybe they just don’t care to tell me. This is also a trigger from my whole life. I never mattered.

Yet, ultimately, it’s always me who has to step up and lead.

Yes.

But for the exact opposite reason. I could write an autobiography filled with every sordid detail of my past and spam it to all my friends, yet it wouldn't make a bit of difference. It's as if I understand the mechanics of "opening up" in the context of a relationship, but I'm missing some key ingredient. Consequently, my attempts at close, interpersonal relationships look like delicious chocolate chip cookies on the outside. Golden brown, still warm from the oven, the chocolate chips slightly melted so the rich brown glaze beautifully reflects the light of a nearby candle.

But they taste like bitter disappointment.

Hahahaha

This is a tough time for people and everyone likely is preoccupied with their own safety and it’s possible no one gives much thought about you working in health care. And if these aren’t close friends, they likely not in a rush to check up on you

My husband is RN in the hospital and he exposes himself to illness every day but no one outside of family sends any kind of messages asking if he is ok. They have their own worries. Lots of people are also busy working from home or caring for sick relatives.

I hope you are staying safe. Health care employees are our heroes in this trying time

Thank you everyone, I was so happy there were some replies from you all when I just came back from work!

I think you are right, some people are preoccupied and seem more selfish at times like these. Or maybe directing their attention to people in need, which makes sense. It’s not that I want people to worry about me (I used to be like that years ago) I just want real connection. Thanks!

I admire you so much for working where you do during this crisis!

I also want to give you thanks for the job you do everyday.

In regards to connections, I’m not the right one to tell you about it since I keep a distance with most of people. It’s difficult for me to do it and now I’m even used to it.
But, it’s truth what it has been said, sorry I don’t remember now who mentioned it. Hard times are running for all of us and most of people are dedicate to take care of the most vulnerable.

I also have trouble connecting. I do all the things they say to do but I make no impact.
Unfortunately, some people have charisma and others don't. I think you're born with it or you become a powerful person and develop it that way.
After this pandemics is over join some groups. Then at least you'll be around people more.
Hope everything works out for you.

I wasn't before and was trying to create an actual social network of sorts.. no point doing that now..better to become a hermit for duration

I am tentative and have difficulty connecting I tend to be a careful plodder

I was just about to post something similar..

There's nothing "wrong with you". Is it possible it has something to do with having a more "surface-type" relationship with these people? Maybe I'm misunderstanding your post.

I'm more inclined to think people often tend to turn 'away' from support rather than 'reach out' to it, whenever they're going through a difficult time. Or maybe they'll reach out to their closest person (a family member or best friend) and put everything else on hold.

Try not to take this personal unless you truly believe you've done something to offend.. and in this case, address it.

Keep putting yourself out there. Reach out to the unsuspected.. you may make a new friend.

I, too, struggle with making connections. I suffer from a lot of anxieties and situational circumstances that keeps me guarded.. so I get it.

Big hugs to you! Thank you for everything you are doing to help others.

I am close to less than 5 people maybe. Not very touchy huggy type

For a long time I felt this way too, because of my trauma I felt so different and abnormal, and I didn't even know that's what it was. The last few years though, as I've worked through my trauma, I've been able to build real, close, intimate friendships, and part of that was being authentic that I had a violent childhood and have cPTSD. Just admitting it and being open about it helped me to develop close relationships with people.

It is hard though. We think we are abnormal or broken and don't know how to relate to normies...But we can. It just takes work and authenticity.

How everyone has reacted to this situation differently has been interesting. You reached out and did not get replies, I can understand why you may feel confused or hurt by this.

I want to pick up on something you wrote, forgive me if I have picked this up wrong but you wrote these friends are men I think?

I have to be honest and declare my own bias here, I think for close friendships men/women ones can be fraught with difficulties. I did not used to think that way but experience lead me to believe that closer friendships are less problematic within the same gender. Personally I am pursuing more close relationships with other women these days and it is working out better for me. I am finding they are there for me and there is no ulterior motive.

MissUdy: How are you doing, how are you holding up these days?

Hi! I’m trying to take each day as it comes and not get sucked in to the whirling thoughts and worries in my head. The flowers have started to come out and the moon is so lovely tonight. I’m hopeful. I hope you are holding up as well? Thank you for checking in with me Bill3 🙂

Awe I am glad to hear you are ok miss Udy

Hi! Thanks for asking!

I'm doing pretty well, stuck at home but busy enough. I could do with some more sun and warmer weather though, since I have been taking a lot of walks with our dog. We actually have snow in the forecast for tomorrow night--May 8th! I cannot recall ever having snow here in May!

I'm glad that you are noticing flowers, the moon. Noticing things helps--it helps keep you out of those whirling thoughts. The moonrise was amazing here too--saw it just before reading your post and you brought it back to mind!

Not really tho by the end of this mess I may not wish to bother with many ppl