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Purple Heart
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Default Apr 01, 2020 at 01:49 AM
  #1
Hi everyone, I just want people's opinions on my relationship. I have been in this relationship for over 4 years, been living together for quite a while and last year we bought a house.

When getting into relationships it is often confusing and difficult for me, made more so since I have C-PTSD due to childhood sexual abuse. This girl gives me a lot of love, made a home for us and supports my C-PTSD. I can talk to her about anything but there is one problem.

Lately we've been having heated arguments intensified by staying home everyday due to the coronavirus. During this period of conflict I started to re-evaluate the relationship and look more closely at how I feel about her. The thing is I don't really feel anything romantically/sexually for her. In fact as I look back over the relationship, there has not really been a time where I have experienced 'fireworks' or chemistry or that 'spark' needed for sexual attraction.

As mentioned relationships are difficult for me since they bring up the betrayals and abuse by my parents, especially my mother. Therefore, trying to identify my feelings and sexual feelings can become 'foggy' when in a relationship since I find it hard to really identify what I feel about someone in an intimate relationship. And I have done this before with another girl who I was not sexually attracted to. When a girl shows interest in me I intend to abandon what I feel and give more importance to her needs/feelings. From speaking to my T, this happened with my mother in childhood, I had to take care of her feelings and abandon my childhood needs/feelings. I end up wanting a girl to take care of me, fix me but she cannot do this for me, only I can.

I had a lenthy conversation to my T today and he suggested that through emotional intimacy the physical part may grow. And he suggested the recent fighting may have turned me off her. But I said it's none of that, it's like I've had a 'lightbulb moment' and its very organic in that I don't feel anything sexually for her. I said over the last 4 years I've been trying to find her sexually attractive but it isn't working. I'm basically lying to myself. As I read somewhere once its either there or it isn't , you can't make yourself like a person in that way. I take notice of some girls I find attractive and can now see the difference. I told him I can't be in a relationship if there is no real sexual attraction and its been 4 years.

I have a conflict since I still love her but I don't lust after her. I've always wanted a home and love but at the end of the day my adult sexual needs are not being realised. Please share your thoughts if you have time.

PH
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Default Apr 01, 2020 at 06:55 AM
  #2
Hello there. First off, I am so very sorry that you were sexually abused -- how horrible and awful for you. I know how incredibly scarring that is on a person.

Secondly, I think your issue is more complex and not so simple black and white because of your past history with sexual abuse. I am not going to advise that you up and leave your girlfriend because of the sexual attraction part. I mean, if the abuse were not there I would say, yes, it sounds like you're just plain not sexually attracted. But.....

is it possible that because sexual feelings have become foggy for you and due to the past sexual abuse, that maybe you are suppressing your sexual attraction and needs?

I am not a therapist, and none of us here are, but I think it's best to speak with a therapist further about this issue before making any decisions because I think it's more complicated than meets the eye. I think it may be good to explore with a therapist those foggy sexual feelings and what has happened to you in order to come to any real conclusion about your sexual feelings. And because it's happened with another girlfriend, I think it's possible that you bury/ignore/suppress your own sexuality. Possibly.

Also, I wouldn't advise making any strong conclusions about a relationship when thrown into 24/7 togetherness during a global crisis, and when fighting results. These are very tough times on everyone, couples included, and fighting is a very natural result of too much togetherness right now.

Just my two cents!

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Default Apr 01, 2020 at 06:56 AM
  #3
You sound as if you know what you want to do.

But since you are asking for thoughts, mine are as follows: I would caution you about making a sudden, major life change on the basis of a "lightbulb moment".

I teach chess and I teach that the more urgently a player feels pressed internally to make a certain move, the more urgent the need to intentionally pull back emotionally and take extra time to assess that move.

Last edited by Bill3; Apr 01, 2020 at 07:14 AM..
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Default Apr 01, 2020 at 03:43 PM
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your relationship has lasted 4 yrs. corona virus has lasted about 6 weeks. just now you are questioning things. I would make no changes until after matters return to what is considered normal. being stuck in the same house, confined with limited places and activities is going to place a strain on every relationship. slow down, deep breaths. cha nge nothing. relax. you will get thru this.

if you change everything now and realize once things clear that it was a bad decision, you may be screwed and be left alone. go slow...you can still go for walks, be outside, find activities that give you space and time to clear yourself . this will end. I promise you.
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Default Apr 02, 2020 at 04:54 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Hello there. First off, I am so very sorry that you were sexually abused -- how horrible and awful for you. I know how incredibly scarring that is on a person.

Secondly, I think your issue is more complex and not so simple black and white because of your past history with sexual abuse. I am not going to advise that you up and leave your girlfriend because of the sexual attraction part. I mean, if the abuse were not there I would say, yes, it sounds like you're just plain not sexually attracted. But.....

is it possible that because sexual feelings have become foggy for you and due to the past sexual abuse, that maybe you are suppressing your sexual attraction and needs?

I am not a therapist, and none of us here are, but I think it's best to speak with a therapist further about this issue before making any decisions because I think it's more complicated than meets the eye. I think it may be good to explore with a therapist those foggy sexual feelings and what has happened to you in order to come to any real conclusion about your sexual feelings. And because it's happened with another girlfriend, I think it's possible that you bury/ignore/suppress your own sexuality. Possibly.

Also, I wouldn't advise making any strong conclusions about a relationship when thrown into 24/7 togetherness during a global crisis, and when fighting results. These are very tough times on everyone, couples included, and fighting is a very natural result of too much togetherness right now.

Just my two cents!
Hi thanks for your feedback. Due to past sexual abuse and C-PTSD I agree it is complicated especially when in a relationship. I will reflect on your observations and won't make any big decisions until I speak to my T next week. I agree making drastic changes during the global pandemic is not a good idea. Thank you.
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Default Apr 02, 2020 at 04:58 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by resurgam View Post
your relationship has lasted 4 yrs. corona virus has lasted about 6 weeks. just now you are questioning things. I would make no changes until after matters return to what is considered normal. being stuck in the same house, confined with limited places and activities is going to place a strain on every relationship. slow down, deep breaths. cha nge nothing. relax. you will get thru this.

if you change everything now and realize once things clear that it was a bad decision, you may be screwed and be left alone. go slow...you can still go for walks, be outside, find activities that give you space and time to clear yourself . this will end. I promise you.
Yes I realise I have to slow down and re-evaluate. I guess it can be difficult when you can't go to work and home with partner 24/7. When fighting I get triggered, reminds me of my domineering mother which makes me want to run. And anyone who has C-PTSD knows, it is exhausting and overwhelming at times dealing with multiple childhood traumas by different abusers. I will speak to my T next week. Thank you
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Default Apr 02, 2020 at 05:44 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by Purple Heart View Post
Hi thanks for your feedback. Due to past sexual abuse and C-PTSD I agree it is complicated especially when in a relationship. I will reflect on your observations and won't make any big decisions until I speak to my T next week. I agree making drastic changes during the global pandemic is not a good idea. Thank you.
Good plan!!

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Default Apr 02, 2020 at 05:46 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by Purple Heart View Post
Yes I realise I have to slow down and re-evaluate. I guess it can be difficult when you can't go to work and home with partner 24/7. When fighting I get triggered, reminds me of my domineering mother which makes me want to run. And anyone who has C-PTSD knows, it is exhausting and overwhelming at times dealing with multiple childhood traumas by different abusers. I will speak to my T next week. Thank you
Yes, do keep in mind that this is a very stressful time in our lives, for everyone. Being around one another 24/7 is HARD...... it can cause extra strain on a relationship that otherwise is not present.

Since you get triggered by the fights, I must ask: is your girlfriend domineering or abusive in any way?

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Default Apr 04, 2020 at 07:18 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Yes, do keep in mind that this is a very stressful time in our lives, for everyone. Being around one another 24/7 is HARD...... it can cause extra strain on a relationship that otherwise is not present.

Since you get triggered by the fights, I must ask: is your girlfriend domineering or abusive in any way?
Thanks for your comments. Relationships can be difficult especially when you've had an abusive background. My partner has a strong personality, is a bit stubborn and so likes to persuade me not to do things that may harm me. She can be a bit controlling but I think its related to wanting to keep me safe. For example recently we had a big fight since she didn't want me to go to a work gathering due to COVID19. But I tried to explain that the government's instructions (this was a month ago) was that we could meet with a limited number of people. But she wouldn't hear it and got quite angry with me for going out. So here she can be a bit controlling and I just thought I'm not going to accept her behaviour so I went to the work gathering. After things settled down she told me she got so upset due to the current environment and she doesn't want me to get COVID19. She was trying to indicate that she was caring for me. But outside this issue she can be more willing to accept differences of opinion.
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Default Apr 04, 2020 at 08:01 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by Purple Heart View Post
Thanks for your comments. Relationships can be difficult especially when you've had an abusive background. My partner has a strong personality, is a bit stubborn and so likes to persuade me not to do things that may harm me. She can be a bit controlling but I think its related to wanting to keep me safe. For example recently we had a big fight since she didn't want me to go to a work gathering due to COVID19. But I tried to explain that the government's instructions (this was a month ago) was that we could meet with a limited number of people. But she wouldn't hear it and got quite angry with me for going out. So here she can be a bit controlling and I just thought I'm not going to accept her behaviour so I went to the work gathering. After things settled down she told me she got so upset due to the current environment and she doesn't want me to get COVID19. She was trying to indicate that she was caring for me. But outside this issue she can be more willing to accept differences of opinion.
That actually doesn't sound unreasonable to me, given the current climate. I think emotions are also very heightened right now - it's a very stressful situation with this virus, and people react to stress and anxiety differently.

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