Girlfriend asked for a relationship break

Hi Everyone,

My girlfriend asked me for a 21-day break during my country's lockdown.

A bit of background and what lead to this:

We are both 26 (turning 27) and have been dating for 8 months (together for just over a 1 year).

Prior to her asking for a break, she would act up when she was drunk (80% of the time) and say she has doubts about "us" and if we were meant to be together.

Previously, we have had good times in the relationship so its not all doom and gloom.

Before we chatted at my place, I made her lunch and she acted like a normal girlfriend. She was being affectionate, holding my hand, kissing me etc. We had lunch and watched some tv and then she wanted to chat.

When we chatted she first acknowledged that she has been acting up when she is drunk and its unfair to me. She also acknowledged she has not been putting in effort to see me. She also said she is not entirely over her previous relationship. Her ex-boyfriend broke up with her over a year ago and told her he did not love her anymore. We began our relationship about a month after he broke up with her. In my opinion, she has not dealt with the previous relationship properly and has not accepted what happened. Maybe she is scared I would do the same? Anyways, She then asked for a 21-day break. I accepted the break and did not fight it at all. I told her that I would that I would not contact her during this time. But then to my surprise she asked if she could message me? I thought this strange. Throughout the whole chat she seemed very confused and unsure of her decision. It almost seemed as if she came over to my place to break-up with me but when she saw me got "cold feet" and opted for a break as she was uncertain.

Would appreciate anyones feedback/comments here.

Thanks

Give her a permanent break. Tell her not to contact you again. You're getting someone else's leftovers and you deserve more.

What do you want to happen in the relationship?

The space sounds like a good idea. She needs it and it may help you to clarify your own feelings and thoughts.

Speaking as someone with an extensive addiction history, it is going to be very difficult to have stability with anyone who is drunk 80% of the time. It sounds like she has a problem. It is not possible to have a healthy relationship with a practicing addict or alcoholic.

Lots of people act out when drunk. That’s why I don’t recommend relationship with people who drink on a regular basis. If she is drunk on a regular basis at 26 it has no where to go but downhill

In addition to it when people ask for a break, that’s typically a break up but in a slow motion in hopes it just fades away. I’d be done for good

Good luck and you can do better

It sounds like she got involved with you too quickly before she was healed from the last relationship. And it does sound like she has doubts about continuing her relationship with you under those circumstances. It's really hard to break away sometimes, which is probably why she still wanted to message with you.

I would back off and probably would want the relationship to end, if it were me. I wouldn't want to be with someone who wasn't over their last relationship. When that happens, the past haunts the person and they're not fully invested in the next/current relationship. Best to let her heal fully and maybe try to move on yourself, as hard as that may be right now.

Thanks everyone. I wasn't entirely sure what to do. I gave her the break she asked but found it strange she still wanted to contact me. She will contact me again after 21 days to tell me how she feels. But I am anticipating an awkward interaction as not seeing or messaging someone for 3 weeks almost makes them seem a stranger when you are used to messaging them everyday. I heard from one of her friends that she has been "dying" to message me? But hasn't because she asked for the 21-day break. Maybe she misses me?

I agree with other members that shared that if you are in a relationship with someone who uses alcohol to self medicate, it's not going to be healthy for you AT ALL. This individual needs to get sober and also get therapy from a professional that can help her get her life going forward on a healthier track.

I have been hurt by individuals who need alcohol to function, it's not fair to the healthy person who deserves to interact in a more functional way. It's best for you to break things off, you can't help her and you will only get hurt. She needs to get help to stop using alcohol and typically the advice is no relationships for a year until the person has had time to learn how to live sober and deal with whatever else is bothering them.

I agree with the other posters

I agree with the replies although I think I understood your story a little differently. Does she "drink" 80% of the time or does she "act out" 80% of the time when she "is" drinking? Two very different things.

Anyway, it sounds to me like you've been her rebound boyfriend and she's stated she's still dealing with the loss of her ex. The fact that her friend is saying she's dying to text you again could simply be due to emotional hunger and/or codependency issues. It doesn't necessarily mean she misses "you" specifically.

Hear her out when it's time but I would consider moving on and finding someone that wants to be with "you".