Anxious Attachment

Hi guys,

I suffer from anxious attachment style. Do any of you as well? If so, do you have any recommendations for how to stop dating avoidant attachment styles? It seems like every time I get close to someone and want a relationship they pull away, and on the other hand people who want to be with me are never the ones I want to be with. I feel trapped in a cycle.

I listened to a podcast last night with Paula Sacks on beauty is eternal which helped me understand it but I can't afford to see a therapist. Any books or advice on what I can do?

Hello blueberrypanda: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central.

I don't know a lot about attachment styles myself. Perhaps other PC members will have some insights they'll wish to share. In the meantime, however, here are links to 7 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of attachment styles & their effects on relationships:

What Is Attachment and Why Is It Important?

What Is an Anxious Attachment Style and How Can I Change It? | Happily Imperfect

How to Change Your Attachment Style

Does Your Attachment Style Keep You Feeling Lonely?

How Attachment Styles Affect Romantic Relationships

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knott...chment-matter/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/attac...ionship-style/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I don't know what kind I am. The kind that does not attach to anyone, I guess.

Hello,

I don't know a lot about the different attachment styles but reading the basic overview, I say I'm the 'avoidant'.

All the best addressing your issues, blueberrypanda, it must be frustrating finding the right person.

Hi @blueberrypanda ,


yes, I have some book recs for you. 1.) The book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. In it they talk about your own conundrum. People with anxious attachments and avoidant attachments are drawn to each other, like a magnet, and they are also unhealthy for each other relationship-wise, in particular, the avoidant attachment is unhealthy for the anxiously attached, and dating someone with an avoidant attachment can bring a lot of stress, depression, anxiety, etc, to the anxiously attached. If you are dating online, there are a ton of avoidants out there, too. It also talks about how to be more securely attached, and how to avoid those with avoidant attachment, how to break up with someone with avoidant attachment (if that's what you choose to do), and it defines secure attachment and what to look for. This book also empowers those with anxious attachment. Often they hear that they need to change. This book says "it's okay to be you, and it's not your fault." While at the same time, giving tools for better communication etc.


2.) there's a book called Insecure in Love. I have not read that one, but I heard it's good, and that it's about the anxious attachment. There's another book called Anxious In Love, but I've heard Insecure In Love is better, and doesn't try to change who you are.