Bad Phone Call

Had a terrible phone call with my brother. He started yelling and cursing and hung up on me. Totally out of character. I called him back and we talked some more and ended the conversation on a civil note. Awhile later he started texting me about some difficulties he was having with a female friend. Again, I could not really understand him. He was using a text as a long email but not spelling out all the words. I could not really understand what he was trying to communicate. And I was still angry about him hanging up on me. The whole thing upset me all weekend.

I have found phone calls and texts with certain people, not all, but a few people...have been totally off. They are not acting like themselves.


With other people it is fine. It is easy to see that some people are coping well...while others are not. I suspect those who aren't coping well might be abusing alcohol or drugs.


I am still angry about my brother cursing at me and hanging up on me. When I called him back he didn't apologize. I feel kind of bad that I did not state that this kind of behavior is unacceptable. He seemed to think it was okay and that he was in the right. The point is...I really do not tolerate this kind of acting out. I feel like I made an exception because this is such a tense time.

I did tell my brother in a text I felt his behavior was inappropriate. We merely had a difference of opinion on something. I don't recall him ever hanging up on me before this. I am worried he might be drinking although he sounded sober on the phone.

Actually, that can be the case unfortunately. There are people that have been sober and yet got so they could not handle the stress and isolation so they began drinking again. My husband has been sober now for over 28 years, he has helped countless people learn to live their lives sober. I am watching him get calls and some have gone off the wagon and others don't know what to do about it and they too are struggling but don't want to drink.

I actually have a young man here that is doing things here on my farm who is trying to stay sober and keep busy and feel productive. ugh, his story is so sad too Dechan. And he is semi homeless and he is lost because he pretty much grew up a ward of the state and the one family mentor figure he did have a male uncle just passed away two months ago. And I just learned yesterday that he also may be a child born with alcohol fetal syndrome. My husband said once someone points it out to you and you see it, you can tell when you see it in others.

Ya know, sometimes my heart just aches for people so much that I don't know what to do with it.

I do know what it can feel like to experience a bad phone call and the other person basically dumps their meltdown in your lap like YOU are the problem when you are not. And if they are under the influence, they can get especially mean too. Some can get really mean when they drink and can lash out in an alcohol enduced rage filling some space with their alcohol fueled rage rants.

It is difficult to help others. I have always found that the best way is first to be very grounded myself...and, of course, I , too, am struggling these days.

My brother is very secretive. (If horoscopes fit the person than his is the perfect fit. He is a Cancer.) I doubt he is drinking. He usually ends up making a lot of phone calls when drunk, and I did not feel that energy coming from him. But he might be having mental cravings or something...maybe even cravings for other addictions I don't know about. Not exactly a dry drunk but maybe missing the "holiday" from difficult emotions that alcohol brings.


Or...he is drinking but secretly. Now this is where I bow out. I have no patience for people's secret addictions. Let them go to AA or NA or Alanon or Rehab or church or whatever. I am not an addictions counselor. And I can't parse someone's secrets and try to use telepathy to figure out what is going on with them. If they are not forthright then communication is impossible. My brother never went to AA but he does see a counselor at the VA center as he is a vet with PTSD.


At this very moment I am writing and using a blue light box this brother sent me right at the beginning of lockdown. He knows my apartment is dark and he sent me this as a way to keep me cheerful. It seems to be working. I don't know how it works but I find the blue light both relaxing and energizing.

This is the brother I know. He is generous and sensitive to the needs of others. He walks the walk. He doesn't just say he is going to do something...he does it. The blue light is an example. He said he was going to send it and he did.

He is probably having difficulties with...what...I don't know...but I will keep him in my prayers. 80% of our conversation was good.

I really don't know how much people are using and abusing drugs and alcohol to cope during this time. I am not reading too much about it.

I have another friend who I am purposely not calling because in the best of times her husband has a serious drinking problem. She is also sending long kind of crazy texts to me.

I know her husband well. His father was a raging alcoholic.

We were all teenagers together. Knowing how his father was...I can't believe he started to drink as an adult. It is ruining my friend's life. She has started to drink herself which is a completely new habit.

I can't even think about them without wanting to cry. They are both good people. Someone needs to do an intervention on this guy...but I don't live near them. They both kind of need intervention.

I don't know how prevalent this abuse of substances is now. These people really need professional help.

Well, unfortunately there is still a lot of drug and alcohol abuse going on. The AA rooms are full, or were full until this virus changed things. Yes, some people that abuse alcohol are nice people that ended up self medicating with alcohol to help them get a break from their stress/anxiety/life challenges. They don't realize the alcohol only makes it worse and often they have to literally lose pretty much everything before they are willing to admit their lives have been destroyed by their disease/addiction. Some never stop sadly.

A lot of individuals that have issues with alcohol are having a hard time with what is happening due to how this virus has changed how so many live their lives.

So sad. I am afraid this guy I was talking about is going to drink himself to death. But it is kind of random. Some people drink themselves to death very young...while others just drink on into late age. The problem is my friend is just tolerating it. I suggested more than once she go to Alanon. I went to Alanon in the past to deal with family member who had drinking problems...and I truly loved Alanon. It gave me the tools to cope.


But my friend isn't doing anything to cope...except drink herself!

It is great that for people who want it there is AA and Alanon and NA. But I guess a lot of people are in denial. My brother got sober but never went to AA...which is kind of dangerous I think because he self-isolates.

So many problems. So many people need our prayers.

I am sorry that you have been exposed to that Dechan, it's tough when you can't do anything about it too.

I had a friend that had a problem and I tried to help her, she brought her horse over and we rode and talked. I even helped her get some jobs to do with her pony so she had something positive and productive. We brought her to AA meetings too. Then one night I got a call and next thing I know I have to get in my truck because she had done a job at a farm that I found for her to do and she worked that pony all day and that pony doesn't drink water until it gets home, some are like that. After she had that pony work all day she proceeded to stop at a bar and drink alcohol while that pony was out in her horse trailer and had not drank any water since early morning. She ended up getting pulled over by the police who would not let her drive and also her car was not registered so she was not supposed to even drive it. She was parked in a gas station and when I got there she was all drama and pissing the police officers off.

Well, she kind of did that, she was always the victim and tended to go into her victim drama. I had to deal with the police that literally yelled at me when all I was doing was making sure that pony got home safe. She was out walking around being the victim and as soon as I got close to her I could smell the alcohol. I had to calm her down and get her SUV unhooked from the trailer so I could hook up my truck. The police were so rude towards me as if her dilema was somehow my fault. I finally got my truck hooked up after I had to spend my own money for fuel to haul her horse trailer home which was a bit of a drive. She sat next to me while I was driving and I could smell the alcohol and this was after midnight I had to do this. I was so mad at her for only caring about herself and drinking while that poor pony should have been taken home so it could drink some water and rest. After that, I just could not be around her anymore and she ended up dying from the alcoholism and she was still young.

I do hear a lot of things because my husband is in the program and does support so many people in their effort to stop drinking and stay sober. Just yesterday I heard him talking to someone who shared that someone who had been sober is back drinking because of what is going on with this Covid and he suffers from what is called "wet brain" and he isn't supposed to drink but he did anyway.

People from all walks of life develop this problem, most don't even realize how prolific it really is Dachen. The worst are those that get mean and angry when they drink and they go on these angry rage rants. They blame everyone and can say so many mean things when in reality the real problem is THEM. I had another friend that used to do that, nice person until she drank and she did drink. I do have some trauma related to that challenge, and I am ok if someone is sober and behaving, but I can get triggered when they drink and start to do twisted things because they are drunk Actually, my husband is giving a video meeting right now for all those who need support due to the Covid virus and how it's affecting them and they are so worred and stressed. Personally, I don't drink, maybe once a year, if that, I buy a bottle of peach wine because I love peach wine. (I love peaches period, including peach pie and preserves and peach iced tea).

Alcoholism challenges has been present in mankind for a very long time. People would be surprised how many different kinds of people that seem functional have a problem, doctors, lawyers, nurses, all kinds of professionals including some therapists, all kinds of people Dechan. Yes, a lot of difficult phone calls I am over hearing. Lots of people struggling.

Yet, I see lots of people supporting and helping people too, stay sober and take things one day at a time. My husband has been setting up video meetings a lot and I hear them talking and helping each other, many caring people committed to supporting others to learn how to live their live sober.

Open Eyes, God bless your husband for his good work.

I have a long history with this problem with regards to family history of drinking, friends, in-laws etc. I did the hard work in Alanon. I straightened my life out with regards to co-dependency issues. I moved on. The destruction addicts and alcoholics cause on innocent creatures (animals...horses!) is disgusting.


To tell you the truth I unofficially retired from this world of drunks and people with abuse substance problems. Part of the reason I have an empty life now is that several people I related to had problems with one substance or another and I just wanted done with it so I let go of these people. Many many people in my state are now using (legal) marijuana addictively.


I also distanced myself from family members who were not recovered. My sister was an ICU nurse and came home from work every night and drank a bottle of wine then called me at midnight drunk...when I had young children at home, had a job, husband...household to run. She selfishly did not care about my life and that I had to get up at 6AM...it was all about her victimization...having married two alcoholics in a row!!! She only quit drinking when she got terminal cancer. But she kept smoking cigarettes to the end. An ICU nurse!


That's why I am not really informed as to what is happening in this world anymore. I dropped out of this world altogether.


So I am not informed as to how Covid 19 is affecting people with addiction issues. However, it does seem to be affecting my brother and my best friend. I have to detach.

It is hard for me to believe I actually used to volunteer at our local detox center.

I am done with all that. I am glad there are people like your husband in the world. But that work is not for me. I don't want to have anything to do with it. Gone are the days of family members calling me in the middle of night drunk. No. I simply don't tolerate it.

Your husband is working on the front lines. I hope he is taking care and that both of you are...as his work is also part of your life.


Blessings, both of you!

Everything my husband does is all volunteer when it comes to helping others with alcohol addictions. I have met a lot of different people through him and they do tend to work together when they need work too. It's actually a pretty big support network that many don't realize unless they are exposed to that world via a spouse or loved one. A high percentage of them have adhd and ptsd challenges and they self medicated with alcohol. Then there are ones that have underlying personality disorders too and while the AA program helps, it's best to do that along with therapy too.

Yes, there are many people that now use marijuana to self medicate with. I don't really get into that because I don't want to face some huge debate about how it has medicinal values yada, yada. Corporate companies do use drug tests before they hire so there is that too.

I totally understand why you chose to distance from it altogether, it's hard on the partners and family members who don't have a problem and have been forced to deal with how destructive it can be. Certain behavior patterns can be a red flag to me and I just can't engage with someone who is actively using, can't handle the mood swings and denials and especially not the alcohol fueled rage rants or dry drunk rage rants. Too much for me, and I just have to distance from it.

Open Eyes, I wanted to thank you for responding to this thread. Frankly I have a hard time detaching from my brother. Probably some co-dependency issues there. He is a Vietnam vet and has PTSD. When he came back from the war he married and had two babies and they both died from crib death. As there was no history of this is our family we suspected it had to do with his exposure to Agent Orange...as there were reports.

As you can imagine he and his wife went kind of crazy. They divorced but remained close friends and are friends till this day and live in the same town. I don't live near him.

So I don't know what is happening to him and don't have his ex-wife's number and can't call her and don't really want to get triangulated.

I don't think marijuana has done a damn thing for my state...and I used to smoke it back in the day but...it isn't some kind of miracle herb. It is just another substance. And there are laws here, too, about drug testing on the job.

Anyway, thanks for talking to me. My brother has a good heart but I just want no part of addiction issues...as it is, I feel, a spiritual issue, and it troubles me that he refuses to go to AA, which is a group I highly respect. I mean AA helps with continued sobriety and as I said earlier...my brother self isolates. If I knew he was attending AA meetings (online) I would not even be having this conversation, I guess.

I'm sorry that you were treated this way. No one should ever call a person up especially a family member and tell at them cuss them out of hurt them in any way. Big hugs hug: :sadhug.

Thanks. As you can see Open Eyes gave me a lot of counseling about this which really helped. THANK YOU OPEN EYES. I can forgive, sort of, but not forget so I guess it will probably be a long time until I choose to talk to him on the phone. It was really...uncalled for, I agree.

I am sorry to learn your brother struggles with ptsd from vietnam and then had to face a parent's worst nightmare. I can't even imagine the complete devastation that comes from not only losing one child but two? How does one get past that kind of trauma?

In all fairness to your brother, when someone struggles with ptsd they do tend to isolate in order to reduce the symptoms of often being so sensitive to interacting with others, let alone a group of people in an AA meeting. Some people have it worse than others, I can't go into a busy restaurant or a crowded movie theater. I never was like that until I developed ptsd.

I came across this article and posted it, but I think you may benefit from reading it so I will post it here too.

5 Reasons COVID-19 Makes Your Emotions Feel Out of Control

Perhaps your brother is REALLY struggling with his sense of control and his behavior pattern is one thing he swings into in order for him to have a sense of control.

He should not be ranting at you though so you did what you had to in order to have your own sense of control.

Thanks for this, Open Eyes. My brother did attend a PTSD group and made friends with a lady there. She was watching her grandchild...and through a bit of absent-mindedness on her part, the child had an accident and died. So he visits this woman and spends time with her. They are old friends.

That period of time when his babies died...first the little boy...then the little girl...it sort of gave the whole family PTSD! Such a dark time.

His former wife was lovely...a big hearted Texan gal. He also goes and visits her.

He has more friends than I do.

I don't know what his problem is. He isn't forthright and I am not an addictions counselor. He calls me because I once did pastoral care and he does like to talk to me about spiritual issues.

However, his actions were inappropriate and disrespectful. He has never yelled at me like this and has never hung up on me...so this isn't really normal behavior. I will read the link you provided. I will probably keep my distance from him as I don't need that negativity in my life right now. Thanks for all your kind words and wisdom around this issue.

What did you want when you became a pastor Dechan?

I was a hospital chaplain specializing in spirituality and mental health. (True...have an MDiv degree)

Ok, I see, but what did YOU want from doing that function?

What was empowering in your doing that function for you?

Oh, that's really not something I want to go into on this site. I am not willing or able to talk about an important 25 year journey online...even on PC. I also don't view it in the way you couched the question. Anyway I am going on retreat starting at dusk tonight - through Easter. I will be able to attend Easter services online and I hope others have the same opportunities.

My brother and I have exchanged several texts...so that is good. He is the only member of my family (besides myself) who knows when to forgive and move on. I will continue to be a little wary of his behavior...but when he sends me text photos of his adorable little dog...that's a message of love.

Hope everyone here on PC finds a sense of community if celebrating Passover or Easter. We can find it in our hearts and minds.

Oh, ok Dechan, I understand that it may be too complex and private to discuss, have some things I don't share here myself because of that.