Relationship. What am i doing? Long post

I've been in a relationship for almost a year. Next month would be a year. We've had our issues.. From the beginning she had trouble trusting me because her best friend at the time kept telling her lies. I continuously had to prove the rumors false. And i did. She constantly went through my phone and found any small thing to fight about. But still, i loved her. We got passed that. We set boundaries. I changed my passcode. Well, a month or so ago she started being funny with her phone. Wouldn't even let me use the flashlight on it. I've been cheated on SEVERAL times. That really got me insecure. I let it go. One night she said she was visiting with a friend. I woke up in a heavy panic attack, drove to her house (she lives down the street) car wasn't there. I drove by her friend's house, of which she visited. Not there. I called, she refused to answer phone but would text. She was adamant that she was at that friend's house. 20 minutes tried to convince me. Then confessed she stayed with her mother. I don't believe that.

Stupid me put a tracker on her car. It was on there for 3-4 days. That week was great. Spent a lot of time together. All lovey dovey. I didn't need the tracking device bc she was with me the whole time. WELL, she got the code to my phone, went through it and found the tracker app. All hell broke loose. We didn't speak for a couple days. She said some horrible things so i had blocked her number. She found ways to text me "i love you so gd much. This feels like someone has died" etc. During the time we weren't in contact, i created a tinder. Had it maybe an hour and deleted it. So after that text about loving me and all, she came over and we had a good night holding each other and talking. The next day someone sent her a screenshot of my tinder profile. Back to another rage. That was a few days ago.

Last night she sent me sexual messages. She wanted to come to my house. I go to hers instead. She wouldn't let me in. Said she's scared of me. I asked her to come out to talk. Nope. She agreed to follow me to my house to talk. She brought a gun. That scared the f out of me. It was middle of night she said she needed it for protection. We talked. She said she didn't want anything more to do with me. Like forever. Because I'm crazy and scare her. Of course it hurt me. I cried then she wanted to kiss me and come inside. We had sex and i gave her a massage. She called me crazy And meant it. She went back home then said i manipulated her back into my life.

WTF? Now i DO feel crazy. I know I'm stupid for the tracker and i really messed up there. I owned up to it and genuinely sorry for it. Being called a manipulator because my heart is broken and i cried, that REALLY bothers me. Am i crazy? Did i manipulate her?

Dear Adelaydachic.

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation which you described. Relationships are probably one of the most difficult things for human beings to maintain. Not being very successful at it myself, I am the last person on earth to offer you advice or insight. I do want to say, however, that I hope everything eventually works out of for you. Hopefully others here with more insight and wisdom will be able to have better words for you than my poor words!

Sincerely yours, -- Yao Wen

Hi Adelaydachic, welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you are being so challenged right now and when you try to own up to things you seem to get into more upset with this gf.

What is very concerning for me in what you shared is her choice to visit you and bringing a gun with her. I can't blame you for being scared by that. And that most definitely can get dangerous too. I had sought counseling from a therapist, actually marriage counseling and later I found out not only was he having an affair but the woman he was having an affair with met with him, brought a gun and shot and killed him. So, there definitely is a true danger when it comes to interacting with any unbalanced person who chooses to bring a gun into the mix.

In my honest opinion, this individual is very unbalanced and could prove to be dangerous. I recommend you end this relationship and reach out for therapy for yourself so you learn to understand your own part in the dysfunction you experienced so you don't repeat that with this individual or anyone else in the future.

Thank you for your reply. I once again blocked her number from my phone to distance myself. She knows how to contact me while blocked. She blocks her number so when she calls, it says no caller ID. And she also uses an app that creates a fake number to text me. She just called me after i blocked her to ask why. I told her i made the decision after she brought a gun, called me crazy and manipulative. I don't think we should talk. I think we should remain apart. The hardest part is we actually work together. I'm changing my schedule to have opposite off days. I needed clarity. Thank you. I fear this is long from over since we work in the same building. I'm gonna need all the support i can get. Facing the reality that it's over. Rebuilding self esteem. Trying to feel worthy again. And survive.

I'm sorry you had to go through that as well. I can't imagine

The fact that she called you a manipulator is less of a concern in my view than the ultra volatile and dangerous nature of your other interactions with her.

I agree with Open Eyes. Ending this relationship, staying away from her (including blocking her), and seeking therapy is the way to go in my opinion.

P.S. I trust you don't believe that she was with her mother...

I don't. It feels terrible to be cheated on and lied to. My biggest pet peeve is dishonesty. And sometimes that's a hard reality to face. Thank you for your words.

I'm so sorry.

It sounds like she manipulated you, by asking you to come inside and kiss, etc. I would stay away from her and exit fully from the relationship. This relationship seems unhealthy and unstable.

She sounds quite dangerous, and she appears excitement and drama seeking type of person. I’d be worried what else she could do. I honestly would end it. If she continues pursuing you after you block her, maybe you could talk to your local police station. If you feel unsafe around her, you could seek support from law enforcement.

Stay safe.

Any person that uses sex to manipulate you like that is already dangerous. Any person that says "I'm inviting you over, but I need this gun for protection from you while we're together," has got some twisted fantasies going on in their head, and you need to stay the heck away from that. This is coming from someone who is very familiar with firearms and believes in the right to bear arms. What she's doing is well outside acceptable. A firearm is a last resort, you don't invite over someone you think you need to keep a firearm trained on if you're actually worried about your safety. Keep your head on a swivel, keep yourself safe!

Fwiw I thought she meant that she needed it for protection during travel. Perhaps I was mistaken.

Adelaydachic, what did you take her to mean?

Ach, yup, I may have misread that, thanks for the heads up Bill3. Regardless, if this is the first you've been aware of her carrying a firearm "for protection" in the year you've been involved with her, and she decides to make you aware in that context... still screams "RED FLAGS" for me.

About the firearm. She first said she brought it because i "scare" her. Then she said because it's late. 🤷🏼*♀️ she messaged me again from another fake number today wanting to get back together and said she would change. I said no. She admitted to all the lies as well. Thank you guys for being here. It's not easy. It seems like it should be! But it isn't.

Thanks for the update. Hang in there!

Good for you making smart choices not to continue this. Very wise. Sending you hugs

Wow, I'm Canadian so carrying guns like that is so not part of my reality. She could have had herself shot considering she was "afraid" of you. Her actions don't at all sound rational or safe. This story actually creeped me out.

I would go as far as changing your number and explaining to your higher ups the importance of keeping your new number confidential.

I get the whole coronavirus issue.. but are you able to take on a different job?

I agree with everyone.. stay away from her. Maybe the tracker was uncalled for but I suspect your gut instinct told you something was not right. Maybe next time, instead of the tracker, dump the woman. If you're having trust issues again, no amount of dialogue is going to change that.

I'd also work with a counselor to work on the trust issue so you can be more open and aware of the red flags coming at you before investing any great deal of time with trouble.

Sorry all this took place. I'm a bit disturbed now.