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Newly Joined
Member Since Apr 2020
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 2
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Apr 08, 2020 at 11:25 AM
#1
Hello,
I'm at a loss. My fiance and I have been together 3 years and I'm barely hanging on at this point. I am completely unhappy but hoping things will change. There is 0 intimacy and that has always been the case to be honest. Its not as though I'm shocked at this behavior. He showed me exactly who he is when we first met. He's 40 and still likes to "party". Things have escalated over the years and he continues to gaslight and berate me at times. He has actually told me he thinks I'm a terrible human being. He has never apologized or owned that behavior. I am no angel either. Just to be clear. I have said some vile things as well. I am just at a loss. I'm working on communicating and initiating emotional intimacy but I am shut down every time. He rejects me physically and emotionally. Now I understand why people have affairs. |
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 Bill3, Gasplessy, Open Eyes
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,116
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Apr 08, 2020 at 01:02 PM
#2
Quote:
Do you really believe that's the best you can do? Do you really think you have to give up your self worth to someone who has clearly shown you he doesn't want to CARE about you? He most likely prefers to drink and party his life away, he doesn't want to grow up and be responsible for you or even himself. That's not someone that is capable of seeing you or caring about you. You need to see a therapist so you can learn why you are so willing to stay with this kind of person so you finally have it in you to walk away and commit to working towards healing and having a healthier life instead of being someone elses emotional punching bag. |
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
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Apr 08, 2020 at 01:03 PM
#3
Given what you said, I am wondering why you are still with him, and engaged. What if you ended the relationship?
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Gasplessy
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Disreputable Old Troll
Member Since Oct 2015
Location: The Star of the North
Posts: 32,762
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Apr 08, 2020 at 01:07 PM
#4
Here are links to 7 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subjects of emotional abuse, verbal abuse & gaslighting:
Signs of Emotional Abuse 11 Warning Signs of Emotional Abuse in Relationships Signs You Are Verbally Abused: Part I Signs You Are Verbally Abused: Part II What is Gaslighting? | The Exhausted Woman https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...f-gaslighting/ https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-ways...h-gaslighting/ My best wishes to you... 
__________________ "I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
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Open Eyes
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,375
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Apr 08, 2020 at 01:15 PM
#5
I am sorry to hear that. Emotionally neglectful fiancée will be emotionally neglectful husband. Not a good prospect. He sounds very rude too.
I don’t know what you mean by partying. If he likes you two to go dancing and restaurants and attend parties together or have people over, then it’s not bad at all. In fact people in happy marriages have fun together. I don’t believe sitting home staring at each other is necessary for a good marriage at all. BUT if by “partying” you mean he likes it without you and perhaps behaves badly when partying (like does drugs etc) then it’s a different story. Have you considered ending it? He doesn’t sound like a man you want to spend your life with. Plus the key is that you are not happy. Life is too short to be unhappy. I hope you are employed and financially independent and don’t have to rely on this man, otherwise leaving might be more problematic Good luck, let us know if we can help to get you through this |
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Gasplessy
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,089
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Apr 08, 2020 at 03:27 PM
#6
I am very sorry to hear this as well. I would not marry this man. He is not treating you well, and you deserve happiness with the person you are about to marry. Also, people do not typically change, so I would not hold onto the hope for a miraculous improvement in how he treats you, unless he got serious about i, owned up to his behavior, and went to therapy.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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