What disorder is this?

Hi all,
I am new here. I am having serious problems stemming from my relationship with my mother and need some advice, for my sanity. This will be long but I feel that some background is needed.

My mother and father divorced when I was 10 and and my brother and I moved in with my father.
I didn’t have much of a relationship with her for the next several years as In 2004, my grandfather died and she and I had a falling out when she brought her husband to the funeral. I didn’t speak to her for six years after this until I got pregnant with my second son and decided that I would try to reconcile.
Things were going OK until I started realizing how manipulative she was. She came over and kept my son and daughter one day so I could go to the doctor. I came home and my son had disobeyed and upset her. He is one to take his punishment and forget about it and go about his day. She kept pushing and asking questions about why he did it and it got ugly. She wrote me a note telling me how she was feeling. I don’t think she understood that this was not about her at all.
After that, I kind of put her at an arms length because I realized how controlling she was. Admittedly, I became hostile and angry towards her for many more reasons than I have mentioned here. I did not intentionally hurt her however, I stopped walking on eggshells and started telling her what I thought about whatever situation came up. A couple of months ago, she told me that I was hurting her by being honest (to her I was being mean) and she didn’t understand what she had done. I realized I couldn’t tell her exactly what the problem was because she would never own up to doing anything wrong. I have once again tiptoed and made sure I didn’t say anything cross to her, but I’m always still screwing up and hurting her feelings even when I do not intend to.
A few months ago, she wanted to take my four-year-old daughter with her to visit a relative that is about an hour and a half to two hours away. At first I went along with it because I never thought she would actually do it, but then she started planning it. I realized that I absolutely did not trust her to take my daughter, probably because of my history and her lack of protectiveness over me. I initially blamed it on my husband and she was angry with him, however I did confess that because of past circumstances that I wasn’t comfortable with it. She gave me a guilt trip about never being able to be a grandmother. Mind you, she is still so my children do not go to her house to visit at all.

Most recently, I gave someone a damaged furniture item that I had told her I would give her. I want to add that I have always given her what I told her I would give her, which is many, many items. She is a hoarder and takes everything that I try to get rid of. I was trying to help the person as they truly were in need of the item. My mother did not need it they told me she wanted it even though I did not offer it to her, and I said ok. The problem came in when I told her that I had given away the item to someone in need – never mind that it had been 2 1/2 months since she had asked for it. I knew I had done wrong by her and apologized over text a couple of times. Her response- “I wish I could say that my feelings aren’t hurt and I don’t care, but I do. I guess the difference between us is that if I give you something, it is yours and I would never give it to someone else. I look out for you first.” That was literally copied from the text.

My question is first, with what little information I have shared, what would you say is her dysfunction? Second, how can I deal with the guilt trips she gives me? It works awesomely on me. I want to tell her the way I feel but I bite my tongue. I feel like if I tell her the truth, which in this last case would be that she did not need the furniture and I was trying To help someone that did need it that she would once again say I was intentionally hurtful to her. I did not give it to someone else because I don’t love her, I gave it to them because they needed it. And as far as what she said in her text - my grandmother left me some jewelry that my mother was supposed to have given to me yet I have not gotten it yet. I have asked her for several times but she has not given it to me. I have also asked for the diamond that my dad (who passed away 2.5 years ago and she never had a nice word to say about him when he was alive) and she recently decided she was going to have it set in a ring. I have very little that my dad gave or left me and it would mean the world to me.
I have left so much out; there is a lot of resentment on my end, from the way she spoke about my dad to how I was treated in my childhood.
I know I need to see a psychologist, I really need to talk to somebody but right now I don’t have that option. I would love some insight. I really appreciate you reading my long post.
.

You know, none of us can really diagnose your mother. It sounds like she certainly enables abuse (her husband) and that she has some kind of mental illness. But what that is specifically, none of us could really tell you.

What's important is to recognize that her behavior is abusive and that she seems unable to respect reasonable boundaries of you and your children. Guilt-tripping you is a way of pushing those boundaries. The only way to really deal with it is to hold firm to the boundary you've set. And remember that boundaries are for you to uphold, not for her to uphold. She will likely push them even harder if you stand up for yourself, and you will have to maintain your boundaries even still. And it's important not to give in because you'll be even more miserable with her breaking your boundaries than if you uphold them.

I think your best bet with your mother is to take on an attitude of "medium chill." I've heard another member here refer to it as "grey rock." It basically means not letting any comments she makes have an emotional affect on you. Know that her goal is to get a rise out of your or a reaction (whether that's giving into her request or feeling guilty). You basically have to let it roll of your back with no reaction and no that she's going to just say whatever she can to get the reaction she wants.

I'll write more later. Maybe some others can chime in with more feedback too.

Doesn't matter what we think, we can't diagnose anyone. The only thing you need to do is go minimal or even NO contact with her and NEVER let her be with your children out of your sight. Even at your own home (watching them while you go to an appointment). Pay for a sitter instead. If she tries to guilt you, go even less contact or no contact. You can't fix her.

I am mortified that her husband didn’t go to jail and more so they are still married. I can’t even...

I don’t know what she has and can’t diagnose (most likely personality disorder of sorts but it doesn’t matter) but I sure know she cannot ever be around your children. No babysitting and no visiting under any circumstances

Honestly I understand that we can’t always cut contact with family so in these cases I recommend people to limit their contact to a basic minimum.

But in a situation that you described in regards to her husband and them still being married , I’d recommend to go completely “no contact.”

Thank you all for the input. I guess I don’t really want a diagnosis, I just want a direction. I am trying to figure things out, undersecretary if you will, what makes her tick. I am not sure if she is borderline, narcissistic, etc.
As far as her husband going to jail; he did- for 5 years. 5 years for ruining 4 or more children’s childhoods. She had that time to leave and still didn’t. She and pedo had 2 other children, and they are really screwed up now.
But thank you all for the insight. It truly helps to have outside opinions.

NEVER would I EVER let my children be with her alone under any circumstances. No way would I go near any pedofile with my children EVER.

A simple visit so she can see the children maybe while you are present, but nothing more.

Hello Shedoesntknow: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central.

I take it, from what you wrote, that you were perhaps sexually abused as a child? Assuming that is the case, the Survivors of Abuse forum, here on PC, may be another forum that will be of interest. Here's a link just in case that is something you care to post on:

https://psychcentralforums.com/survivors-of-abuse/

In your post you asked what type of "dysfunction" your mother might have. And of course as has already been mentioned, I believe, we here on PC cannot offer mental health diagnoses. Plus I'm not a mental health professional. However here are 7 links to articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of help with putting what you are experiencing into some perspective. The first 2 links are to articles on healing from an emotionally abusive mother & healing from childhood sexual abuse. The third link is to a blog, here on PC, on the knotted mother-daughter relationship. The fourth link is to a second blog on the good-daughter syndrome. And then there are links to 3 additional articles on toxic parents & manipulative relationships:

Healing from an Emotionally Abusive Mother

Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse

Knotted: The Mother-Daughter Relationship

The Good Daughter Syndrome | A blog about the good daughter syndrome and difficult mothers

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...toxic-parents/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...toxic-parents/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-warn...dium=popular17

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

They had more children and he was allowed to be there full time? Isn’t he on a sex offender list forever? In my (not personal but long job experience related) experience he wouldn’t be allowed to be a full time father to minor children if he was found guilty of sex crimes against minors. I am not understanding this situation. Am i missing something here

It doesn’t matter what makes her tick. She condoned child abuse and had more kids with the man. She shouldn’t be around kids. What does it matter what personality disorder she has

It sounds like she has no problems telling you her truth and doesnt like it when she hears your truth. It sounds like she has many issues but it doesn't matter what they are. The only person that you can work on is you. It would be good for you to maybe see a therapist to work through issues your own stuff.

I agree with possum

I agree as well Possum! I will try to find one as soon as this pandemic ends.

Skeezy: thank you so much for the links. I am almost to the point that the relationship is not worth the worry and hurt. But I am going to try therapy first before I cut ties.

Divine: they had children before he went to prison (he was actually military and went to Leavenworth- ironic considering we lived within sight of it when we were in KS!) I am not sure how he was able to stay around the boys, but once again a failure on my mother’s part. She insisted he had changed. Though as mentally messed up as my half brothers are I will bet he was at a minimum mentally abusive, if not physically and sexually as well. He is in the sex offenders registry now.

Open Eyes: I have never allowed my children around her husband. Not even once. She also knows that they are not to be around him under any circumstances. Deal breaker right there.

Again, thank you all for the validation. It helps just to have your opinions. She has made me doubt myself but I know that I need to stand by what I have said, even if she pulls her stuff.

I don't think you're understanding what's being said. She has shown that she is not a safe person, so your children cannot be with HER either. Never. You are hearing "her husband" but people are telling you she cannot be with your children alone either.