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guy1111
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Location: US
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#181
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Open Eyes
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Member
guy1111
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#182
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3 more days to go. We will see. I just can't get my hopes up. If she doesn't go, I will take the session for myself for my regular EMDR, then try again next week. I just hope that somehow I gain the courage to stand up to her. I have a feeling it's gonna get ugly. |
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Have Hope
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Have Hope
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#183
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__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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guy1111
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Member
guy1111
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#184
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Member
guy1111
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Location: US
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#185
Well, we did our first couples therapy ina long time. At first glance it seems everything went in one ear and out the other with her. She was upset with me afterwards and said the therapist was picking on her and it's all crap and if she could go back in time she wouldn't have married me. So that's that. Time will tell.
I wilm explain more in detail when I have time. |
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divine1966, Have Hope, MsLady
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Have Hope
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#186
Quote:
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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guy1111
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Location: US
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#187
Not right now. I have to journal this out. This was hurtful. I let her go first in the session. We spent most of the time on her issues with me. When we got to my side, all I said was that I wanted to be able to share my thoughts and feelings with her without feeling like I was being punished for it. She didn't say anything. When we got outside, she was mad. She didn't want me to come with her to pick up her son. She called me a few minutes later on the phone and that's when she ranted on me. She hung up the phone on me. Called me back, said she was sorry she hung up the phone. She ranted some more and hung up the phone on me again. It wasn't until the very end of the night that she made a vague apology for "hurting my feelings".
She proved my point. |
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Have Hope
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#188
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That is hurtful. She seems to be very difficult... if not impossible to work with. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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guy1111
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Open Eyes
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#189
I am sorry that your session revolved around your wife. However, it's important to listen to what she shares because you will learn important things about her, things you cannot change. And things she will not want to change in your relationship. This is when you find out if the relationship has any hope to repair or if it's healthier for you to end it. Sometimes, no matter how much we want another person to be "the one" it can turn out to be they simply don't have it in them to ever be "the one".
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Member
guy1111
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#190
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Member
guy1111
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#191
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I know my insecurities with sexuality are not all her problem. My reactions are my problem, but at this point, I refuse to own any more of her behavior. She is kicking and bucking but refusing to even look at her behavior. This, I know, I cannot change. |
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#192
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guy1111
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Member
guy1111
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#193
Well, I was patient with her and after a week of her anger outbursts she ran out of steam. She finally gave in to telling me when is a good time for her to talk about her issues calmly. We then went for a walk and she presented her problems and let me speak my side and she apologized for her bad behavior.
I am glad I didn't give in all this time and play the puppy dog and cry "what's wrong, why are you mad at me all the time, boo hoo". That's what she really wanted. I thank everyone here for telling me to stand my ground! I will keep in mind that this is just her being civil in talking about HER issues, and only for a short while. We will see how long this lasts. Also, I still am not going to talk to her about my issues yet, because I don't trust her still. She at leasts knows I refuse to open up. I will be stone cold until she can prove to me she can be an adult and allow me to give her constructive criticism without freaking out. This is a slow and painful process, but I need to remain together with her as long as I can bear. Thanks again everyone for your great advice, I would have given up otherwise! |
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divine1966, Have Hope, Open Eyes
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#194
So, what did she share with you in this conversation about "herself"?
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guy1111
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#195
She shared her issues with me. All misunderstandings in my opinion. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't come and apologize for things that hurt her feelings or explain myself when she thought I screwed up plans "we" made. My problem was that she would rant and rave when she was upset and when I calmly asked her if she wanted to hear what I had to say about it, she would say no or just leave the room or hang up the phone. She was just expecting me to come to her the next day or when she was calm and bring the issue back up which I found bull--- because why is it my job to try and guess when she is calm and ready to talk about HER issues? I tried that once or twice and it backfired on me. I explained in therapy that I need her to tell me when she is calm and ready to talk. She didn't like that the therapist agreed with me. It took her a week to get over this fact. That's when I finally cornered her into telling me that the next morning when she wakes up or when the kids are playing on their ipads or whatever that she wants me to come to her. So that's exactly when, and ONLY when I will come to her. If she is still upset or thinks I should have come to her sooner then that's on her. She can't blame me for coming to her at a bad time.
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guy1111
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
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#196
Got triggered again yesterday. My wife told me that she posted a cry for help on fb, something like, "feeling down blah blah" and this guy who is a single dad responded by calling her on her phone. She set up a playdate for his son and our son and planned on dropping him off at his house after work.
She gave some bs reason why they have eachothers' numbers. She invited his son to our son's birthday a couple years ago but said she contacted him through fb because she didn't have his number. Now all of a sudden she has it mysteriously even though they've never met up playdate or otherwise to my knowledge. I know that to most people this is a benign interaction, but if you've read this thread you know how sensitive I am to her interactions with singles. She also knows that I like to keep playdate contacts same-sex. So like, if the kid's mom wants to make a playdate, I give them my wife's number and vice versa. Ironically our daughter had a playdate in the works the same day from a friend who couldn't make it to her birthday party. I gave my wife the mom's number as I always do. She told me that I don't need to do that because she trusts me. She said I know you like to keep parents numbers to the same sex but it's no big deal to her. Again, it all sounds great to the average person but I am very sensitive because of my past. She seems to know this but just doesn't care. I had to blank out so I didn't react while she is telling me this playdate story. I then had to excuse myself to the restroom and spent 20 minutes in there calming myself down because if she finds out that I am upset she yells at me. I am dreading this "playdate" because my imagination runs wild if I know she is going to be alone with a single guy at his house even if it's just for a minute to drop our son off. I'm starting to become cynical and wonder what it would be like to be a cheater. I've never come close to cheating on anyone but only because I am horrified by how it feels to be on the other side of it. I've never had to stop flirting with someone because I feel like it's going too far. If I'm attracted to someone or can sense they are attracted to me I always try to cut interactions off immediately. I feel awful and trapped and I feel like the only one who understands is my therapist. She probably is just patronizing and thinks I'm crazy just like everyone else. I hate this awful feeling. |
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Have Hope
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#197
Have you said point blank that these types of interactions with single men bother you? I think she’s doing as she pleases without regard to how it may make you feel. It’s most insensitive. And if you express your feelings and she yells at you for that? That is very unfair and is toxic behavior. It gives you NO voice, opinion or right to your feelings in the matter. She does as she wants.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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guy1111
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divine1966
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#198
So this isn’t a family friend? It’s somebody she met on FB?
You’ve been only married a year so how are you having kids together? Whose son is it? Yours? I’d not allow it. I’d not tolerate it if my husband was meeting women on FB snd go to their houses with MY daughter. If you don’t know this man, it’s highly inappropriate for your wife to be meeting with him. My husband has female friends (he is in a traditionally female profession so these are current and former colleagues or former classmates who became friends, he also has mostly traditionally female hobbies so some are hobby group people) but I know them too and he isn’t going around meeting them alone. We do group outings. Me and him and they with their husbands/boyfriends |
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#199
I agree that her posting about feeling low on Facebook and getting a call from this single male parent is bothersome. And equally bothersome that she made a connection through a play date with the children taking your child to this single male parents home.
So find out the day and time and go with her and make it a point to meet this man. I did not let my child play with other children unless I first meet the parent. You don’t know who this guy is. Nothing wrong with finding out who he is and meeting him. |
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guy1111
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Location: US
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#200
Just for clarification, I know who this guy is. He goes to our church. But that's the only connection. I know he likes her because he chats it up with her on facebook. Only when we got married and she posted pictures of our wedding, his likes and comments stopped. Now apparently he's warmed back up to her. Most likely because I quit fb about a month ago. What a coincidence.
Also, we are a blended family is why our kids are older. |
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Open Eyes
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Open Eyes
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