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Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#221
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A friend of mine, too, was telling me that I put her on a pedestal. Maybe I am putting the marriage on a pedestal. Thanks again! |
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Open Eyes
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
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#222
Yes, maybe you had an ideal of what you wanted your marriage to be and that you would have a partner that would value and appreciate you and love you and be loyal to you. So all you needed was the person to fit into that spot you had and your wife looked pretty enough and showed appreciation for how you were adoring her, much like she does with anyone who compliments her. Then you think you have what you wanted and you find out the partner isn't what you thought and doesn't really fit into the picture you had painted of your ideal. Well, this happens all the time guy. Hense the saying "Love is blind". And putting another person on a pedistal will surely end up with disappointment when the flaws begin to surface.
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Wise Elder
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Location: Eastern, USA
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#223
@guy1111, yes, it's wonderful to focus on your own personal progress and goals. I am glad that helps you to feel better because if anything, you are growing as a person. However, you are in a partnership and marriage. And the marriage is unhealthy. Your wife also needs to work on herself in order for the marriage to be a happy, fulfilling and healthy partnership for you. As things stand now, it is not that way.
And yes, we can sometimes place our partner on a pedestal. It's important to be realistic and objective about where and how she is falling short. She needs individual therapy, and I hope that somehow that can be accomplished. And if the marriage also has been on a pedestal for you? Sure, all couples have their issues and problems to work out. But the key ingredient is that those problems ARE resolved. So far, you have no resolution. She has taken a couple of steps, which I imagine is encouraging for you, but more work needs to be done, especially on her part. But we cannot control other people or other people's behavior. They have to WANT to change for the sake and health of the marriage and partnership. Her WANTING to change is what will deliver progress and resolution. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Member
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#224
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Open Eyes
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
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#225
I thought you said your wife had more than one failed marriage.
From you post it sounds like you feel if you teach her then you will create what you want? Last edited by Open Eyes; Aug 17, 2020 at 10:30 AM.. |
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Member
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#226
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Yes, I know I have control issues. I try to give her as much freedom as possible, but it drives me nuts inside sometimes. |
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Member
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#227
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
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#228
Just out of curiosity guy, what do you like about your wife?
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Member
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#229
I like a lot about her even her quirks. She is good with children, has a great sense of humor, we have good physical chemistry, she can be very calming, generous and independent. Our families get along. Our kids get along. We have the same religious beliefs.
So, ya, she just happens to trigger my insecurities and is in complete denial of her behavior. This covid business has given me a little break from the behavior since we don't get to socialize as often. It's mostly online now, so I quit facebook. I try to focus on personal growth while I have the chance. |
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