Can't talk to my wife

Interesting point. Every time I look at the marriage or her I get depressed. Then when I remember to focus on my own progress and personal goals I suddenly feel better.

A friend of mine, too, was telling me that I put her on a pedestal. Maybe I am putting the marriage on a pedestal.

Thanks again!

Yes, maybe you had an ideal of what you wanted your marriage to be and that you would have a partner that would value and appreciate you and love you and be loyal to you. So all you needed was the person to fit into that spot you had and your wife looked pretty enough and showed appreciation for how you were adoring her, much like she does with anyone who compliments her. Then you think you have what you wanted and you find out the partner isn't what you thought and doesn't really fit into the picture you had painted of your ideal. Well, this happens all the time guy. Hense the saying "Love is blind". And putting another person on a pedistal will surely end up with disappointment when the flaws begin to surface.

@guy1111, yes, it's wonderful to focus on your own personal progress and goals. I am glad that helps you to feel better because if anything, you are growing as a person. However, you are in a partnership and marriage. And the marriage is unhealthy. Your wife also needs to work on herself in order for the marriage to be a happy, fulfilling and healthy partnership for you. As things stand now, it is not that way.

And yes, we can sometimes place our partner on a pedestal. It's important to be realistic and objective about where and how she is falling short. She needs individual therapy, and I hope that somehow that can be accomplished. And if the marriage also has been on a pedestal for you? Sure, all couples have their issues and problems to work out. But the key ingredient is that those problems ARE resolved. So far, you have no resolution. She has taken a couple of steps, which I imagine is encouraging for you, but more work needs to be done, especially on her part.

But we cannot control other people or other people's behavior. They have to WANT to change for the sake and health of the marriage and partnership. Her WANTING to change is what will deliver progress and resolution.

As bad as the first marriage was, I at least had about 14 years experience when I started this new one. This girl is coming with zero. I know you said that's no excuse for treating someone badly, but you learn to deal with people's issues when you realize it's not just a little fling that you can run away from. You learn to adapt and change over time. I know it sounds silly but sometimes I feel like I'm in Interview with the Vampire and I've been alive for a thousand years and trying to be patient with her is so boring sometimes. Just even with daily life, watching her try and figure out how deal with sharing household chores or aligning ourselves with parenting rules. It's so frustrating.

I thought you said your wife had more than one failed marriage.

From you post it sounds like you feel if you teach her then you will create what you want?

I might have said failed relationships, but no, she was never married.

Yes, I know I have control issues. I try to give her as much freedom as possible, but it drives me nuts inside sometimes.

Yes, I agree! This is all very frustrating to me. We did end up signing up for a new therapist. She didn't like using my personal therapist. We'll see what happens. Maybe I get some movement on her part. Ugh. Thanks for understanding.

Just out of curiosity guy, what do you like about your wife?

I like a lot about her even her quirks. She is good with children, has a great sense of humor, we have good physical chemistry, she can be very calming, generous and independent. Our families get along. Our kids get along. We have the same religious beliefs.

So, ya, she just happens to trigger my insecurities and is in complete denial of her behavior. This covid business has given me a little break from the behavior since we don't get to socialize as often. It's mostly online now, so I quit facebook. I try to focus on personal growth while I have the chance.