Can't talk to my wife

That is a step!!! When one’s feelings of hurt are expressed explicitly, the caring, loving and respectful response should be: I’m sorry and I’ll be sure to not do that again. I don’t want to hurt you. I love you and want you to be happy..

LOL I have to laugh because I hear these words on a regular basis. This time though, he's addressing the right topics with his counselor.

(Sorry for the hijack)

Giy111 would your wife read the kind of letter that MsLady wrote to her partner? Sometimes reading it in written might be helpful as it allows time to process the information

It’s a step in the right direction

Words become meaningless if their actions do not match the words. What matters most is changed behaviors once it’s been discussed. If a pattern keeps repeating itself with the same hurtful behaviors, it’s a problem. Trust also goes out the window when behavior doesn’t match the words. Know what I mean?

That’s a great suggestion for the OP!

Yes, I will address everyone as I have time. Thank you so much! I feel better. I feel scared, but more understood!!

That’s actually good that you shared the fear you are experiencing. In the example you gave it showed how your feelings were ignored and instead you had to eat the spinach anyway. Also another challenge with that tends to present as if you can’t just deal with that then you are weak and you are not a strong person.

It can be hard when you are constantly expected to think about the emotional needs of others and when it comes to your own there is very little genuine caring and comforting and respect. Instead it’s more about don’t feel and just deal and eat the spinach.

It sounds like your wife keeps sending you the same message of “you are not enough”. Even though you love her and let her know she is beautiful that’s not enough and she looks for that elsewhere. You are not enough to fill her ego. Yes that can hurt and you would like that hurt heard instead of ignored.

When someone suffers from emotional neglect the last thing that person wants to hear is “don’t feel comments”.

I have an extremely abusive and narcissistic older sister. Things she has done has genuinely traumatized me. The last thing I need is to have another person say to me is how a toxic person like my sister would not bother them. And that other person proceeds to go on and on about themselves without realizing that all that person is doing is undermining my trauma and hurt and deeply disturbed emotions. To make matters worse I have even experienced this same kind of presence even joke about it. All that does is only further undermine my hurt and often even can suggest I am actually stupid for ALLOWING such a toxic presence to hurt me.

What can be triggering about experiencing that kind of response is that it’s actually the same kind of mentality that caused the hurt in the first place.

I have a strong feeling that is part of the fear you have when you do try to share. This is especially true when a person struggles from ptsd resulting from emotional neglect and abuse.

With all that being said guy111 it very well may be that your wife will always need reassurances from several individuals and that one individual will never be enough for her. That can be hard for a person that desires being enough to filling that kind of need in another person. It CAN produce a lonely feeling and a feeling of not being adequate enough.

I'm meaning to respond to everyone. I really appreciate each person's replies. I will get there. I just have to share that I am feeling really defeated today. I try so hard to be the nicest person I can be. I know it's my self-esteem. I just want to feel good about myself again.

Maybe, when I feel strong enough to do that. It is a very precise letter that doesn't give the other person any wiggle room to deflect. All I can do is keep calmly and lovingly presenting the issue. Either I push her away or she changes, or I eventually get strong enough that it doesn't bother me any more.

You are on a right track. Hang in there.

Trying my best. Just want to cry right now. Im so tired. I don't want to give up. I feel like I can do this. I don't know how. I have to give it to my higher power.

Ya, I hate that "not enough" feeling because I was never really good with relationships. I feel like I try so hard. I know she sends me other signals that I could pick up and say, ok, I guess I am good enough. She hasn't left me for someone else.

YES! How do you combat that? What do you say? If it's a big deal to you, it's a big deal period. You can't handle your sister, why would someone say, get over it. It's like, thats why I'm reaching out for help! Now that I think about it, our marriage counselor made me insist it is MY problem. Well, yes, if I am reacting badly it is, but if I am calm and just stating how her behavior hurts my feelings then I say NO!

Ok, I see your point. I am an al-anon person so I can understand acceptance. I might just have to separate body image from sexuality I suppose. I am pretty sure she is not physically cheating on me. The two are just so closely tied together for me, especially being a man. I am very much a visual person.

I get why some people don't care. Some people are more open. If I was married to a model or a porn star I would have to be ok with other men gawking. This is not her business though. She works in an office.

Like MsLady, it's like, the little flirty behavior in restaurants or parties, it's not blatant in your face cheating. It is however triggering. I just see some couples where the one partner behaves poorly and the other just rolls their eyes and says, that's just Joe. He does what he does. What is that!? Maybe if we both did things that we each had to tolerate. She hasn't expressed to me anything that I have responded by saying, oops, sorry, gosh, you know me! I'm just guy111 I do what I do. I'm not going to be like that. I excpect the same from my wife. I don't think that's asking too much. I literally tolerate everything else she does because that is the one area I struggle really hard with.

Thank you so much for validating my thought and feelings. I need to know that I'm not insane, that I am a good person. I deserve basic respect.

Sadly many people are quite flirty with others despite being married and often even in front of their spouses. I am not a flirty type and married to not a flirt so I can’t always understand it. But it’s something people do and they don’t think much of it.

Now I don’t really know if their spouses are just open to that. They might be embarrassed how their spouses act but don’t want to cause a fight so they act like it’s no big deal. Deep inside who knows what they feel.

I knew this couple, he always flirted with women. I remember his wife asking him once in a restaurant “how do you think it makes me feel that you flirt with every waitress?” And he was just laughing

Some people put up with a lot of upsetting and hurtful things in their marriages if they don’t want to get divorced or constantly fight. It doesn’t mean they are ok with it. They are just putting up with it. Of course there might be people who don’t get bothered by such things, but I bet there are very few. I’ve never met people who are ok with their spouses flirting

PS people who just roll their eyes when their spouse acts like an idiot might be doing so out of embarrassment, not because they think it’s ok

Maybe it would help explaining what exactly she's doing (and I apologize if it's been said already) when she's flirting. If it's an innocent and subtle flirtation, I think we're all inclined to do so to a point, and we need to feel secure within ourselves to know it's nothing threatening to ourselves and our relationship. If you were to have a solid foundation between you two, this may not be an issue? I'm not sure.

My partner is particularly attracted to young women in yoga pants. What he'll do is track their privates as they move across space until they're out of his sight completely. He is no longer present with his family during this time. On my birthday, he stood up out of his seat and turned around, in order to continue watching a woman through a window, who had just left the restaurant (of course, in yoga pants). If I'm blocking his view, he'll crank his neck over me so he can continue watching someone in a sexual way. I can see his eyes scrolling up and down a young woman's body. Walking in parks and beaches is embarrassing.. total disrespect towards women, period. He claims he's "unaware" and must be doing so, "subconsciously".

Anyway, I'm mentioning my experiences as examples of what is NOT everyday "innocent flirtation" amongst 2 consenting adults. Is your wife behaving similarly? If so, you have the right to be concerned and upset.

At the end of the day, you'll have to question the severity of her behaviours and if she's truly being disrespectful. If not, then maybe there are other areas in your marriage that's making this scenario feel more threatening to you.

First of all a marriage counselor typically doesn’t specialize in trauma therapy. IMHO if someone struggles with ptsd their spouse should learn to how to be considerate of that. Ptsd is a challenging condition a person puts a lot of effort into managing.

Second, flirting with other men in front of your husband is bad manners and disrespectful. It’s inappropriate behavior period. It’s not unreasonable that your wife engaging that way bothers you.

It’s one thing if your wife is attractive and other men notice her and tell her she is attractive. But when a woman starts to pursue that attention on a regular basis she becomes a tease and most spouses don’t like that behavior.

The reason this behavior is offensive is because it typically sends a message of not being satisfied and content with ones spouse. Both males and females tend to dislike when their spouses engage this way.

For someone who struggles with ptsd from emotional neglect and abuse this behavior can most definitely be triggering. It’s inappropriate behavior to begin with and is not relationship friendly respectful behavior.