Can't talk to my wife

Tell her she is out of control, she needs professional help, and that you will not tolerate it any longer. That's what I would do.

Well, I didn't get up the courage to tell her to stop her behavior, but she asked me yesterday what I would like to see different in our marriage a year from now. I said better communication and overall improvement on our behaviors. She then asked me if I was still interested in couples therapy. I told her I will ask my therapist to make an appointment when we get back. Weird!

She claims that our last therapist said she couldn't help us because we hit a wall. This is not true. Oh boy. Here we go.

Progress!

So she says something happened in therapy and it really didn’t? She lives in her own reality.

That is progress!

However, I am wondering why you said improvement on our behaviors, when it's her behavior. that is problematic for you? Are you afraid to confront her on the issues you have with her anger, her lashing out at you, hitting things, going ballistic, etc etc?

I think it's a huge positive that she wants to go to couples therapy though. That's big.

I'd think it's to keep things neutral and keep her open in conversation instead of going into defense mode.

I am very direct when there's a problem I have with someone. I believe in being direct and upfront, because if one tip toes their way around an issue, it never gets fully addressed OR resolved.

The problem is not his behavior. It's hers. Perhaps she does have issues with him, but she does not voice it, or at least it hasn't been openly discussed on here what those issues are.

If it were me, I would be telling her that her behavior is unacceptable, that it needs to be addressed, and that she needs professional help. I would insist upon it, or I would insist upon separating if the behavior is to continue. This marriage cannot keep going on the way it is. It is toxic, and it's coming from her behaviors. Normal people do not hit objects in anger and rant on for days on end out of anger. She has issues that need professional addressing.

So I believe in confronting an issue head on, with 100% honesty even if it's brutal honesty.

I think timing and setting is important. They're on vacation and it sounds like guy111 is trying to maintain the peace, and probably for the sake of his own wellbeing?

I think they've both contributed here. From his end, he mentioned about enabling her (am I wrong?) So I'm inclined to think saying "our" behaviour vs. "your" behaviour was smart on his part. They can then discuss in greater detail, with their therapist, what those behaviours are. Just my opinion, anyway.

Yes, I would tend to agree with that perspective generally, but in this case, since she went "crazy" in the cab ride while on vacation already, and her "crazy" came out again, it was a perfect opportunity to say something. Sometimes it almost doesn't matter when or where it happens.... it just has to come out somehow.

Confronting someone who is being "crazy" is not going to de-escalate a situation nor will it bring about any harmony during their vacation. This is her way of dealing with stress and I believe he recognized that. There's a bit of empathy in him around this, at least from what I can tell.

I'd definitely have a discussion around this trip once they're home and are both at baseline. If traveling is stressful for her, it's best not to add to her plate while she's already feeling out of her element, being away from home, and out of her predictable routine. Timing. IMO

I think if going on a short vacation with her spouse causes her to act out, then she either has a serious mental issue that needs to be immediately addressed with medical professional or she should never go on vacation ever again. She isn’t a child. If the issue is her going on vacations, then she knows it by now and should stay home. If she simply isn’t enjoying her husband, she shouldn’t stay married.

Sure we can look for right timing and walk on egg shells and tip toe around abusers for years but clearly this marriage isn’t getting any better. It’s not like she acted out once. She behaved inappropriately the entire duration of their marriage. What is this tip toeing accomplishing besides giving her green light to continue acting out of control. There is zero wrong with telling poorly behaved people to stop their bad behavior.

Of course if it’s unsafe and dangerous to address issues with your spouse, it’s a valid concern. But why would anyone want to be married to someone they are afraid of?

Yes, exactly. I am always all for any improvements I can make on myself anyways. I wish more people were like that. These forums would be alot more empty.

It's more of the social/flirtatious stuff that bothers me. But any time we talk about that stuff she gets defensive and that's when her anger shows. But I am afraid of confronting her, period. Everything is always my fault. It's always denial with her. She admits her anger issues and will occasionally apologize. Problem is, I have never brought it up to her as an issue, only the sexual stuff. Yet, somehow she can't seem to get it in her head. It's like, if your spouse always left the toilet seat up/down and you keep bringing it up and they say, sorry for leaving dishes in the sink.

She sounds abusive, to be perfectly honest. If you're afraid to confront her and if everything is always your fault in her mind, she is abusing you.

Being afraid to confront ones spouse is a sure sign of unhealthy marriage.

I agree with everything you said here.

You guys are right. I know. I don't know what to do about it. Hopefully she goes through with couples therapy and works on herself.

We just got back from vacation. I am too tired to think about it. Thank you all for your help. I really appreciate it. I don't think I would have made it through that without your support.

Do give therapy a chance.

From what you have shared, it sounds like your wife has some very deep insecurity issues. At one point a therapist mentioned she suffers from a disorder right? I think you mentioned body dismorphic issues? It sounds like she genuinely struggles to settle into herself and seeks a lot of attention because she needs it to gain comfort she simply can't find within herself. There is nothing you can really do to fix her disorder either, and yet you keep trying to find ways to not allow it to bother you? You cannot change yourself to fit into something that simply isn't healthy for you guy. That is what you have been doing on this vacation with her, no vacation, no togetherness enjoying a vacation.

This woman you married is not comfortable within herself, won't matter who she is married to. This is similar to your other relationship that came to an end too correct?

I tend to think of a box that people interact in and see who fills it the most, that tends to be a "needy" person who needs constant attention. This kind of person tends to fill the box with themselves, pushing others to the walls of the box or down underneath them on the bottom. A disordered person takes over the box, fills it with themselves guy, that's what you are experiencing on this vacation. If you try to get "normal" and step into the box, you end up with a person who rages and blows up the space in the box fighting to fill that box up again with themself. So you are supposed to learn to feel comfortable pushed to the wall or the bottom of the box? Why, so this person can keep filling the box with themself?

Well, you got out of one box and stepped right into another one with the same kind of person. That is what this vacation is showing you. And you need to get into the woods hoping for SPACE so you are not stuck on the wall or at the bottom of the box?

Something to think about.

I feel sad for you because you want an actual companion and that's not what you have guy. You struggle wanting her to hear you and actually care, but she just fills the box with herself and you are either stuck to the wall or pushed to the bottom. But that is what happens when dealing with a person who is very insecure and struggles to be in "themself". You only get little empty "oh that's too bad" or a pat on your head or some kind of fake "petting". You know, this is also what she does with others right? It's what she needs to keep her at least somewhat grounded and have a sense of relevance.

Even a very attractive woman can have this problem, it's not how they look, it's how they feel and not being capable of settling into their own "self/presence". Hense needing constant attention and praise not just from you but others.