Can't talk to my wife

Have Hope · Jun 22, 2020 at 01:46 PM

I feel for you. How was the weekend away with friends? I am feeling pretty alone with my marital struggles myself.

Have Hope · Jun 22, 2020 at 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

I keep fantasizing that we go to couples therapy and I open up and the therapist mediates so she can't get mad at me. Then I get a chance to share all that she is putring me through and the therapist makes her listen and acknowledge her behavior.

Then I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up. Otherwise I will build a case against her in my head and drive myself crazy.

Thanks for validating my feelings. It's nice.

That's IF you have a good therapist. One who makes your wife acknowledge and recognize what she's doing with her behaviors. But then, your wife also has to own up to those behaviors, which to date, she has been unwilling to do.

guy1111 · Jun 23, 2020 at 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I feel for you. How was the weekend away with friends? I am feeling pretty alone with my marital struggles myself.

It was pretty good. No major triggers. It was nice to enjoy the kids, play with them, take them swimming, etc. I think I'm just tired right now. Probably for the better. I don't have the energy to get upset right now. My wife started telling some story that reminded me of a past infatuation she had and I just kind of zoned out and nodded my head. I went to bed tired.

Have Hope · Jun 23, 2020 at 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

It was pretty good. No major triggers. It was nice to enjoy the kids, play with them, take them swimming, etc. I think I'm just tired right now. Probably for the better. I don't have the energy to get upset right now. My wife started telling some story that reminded me of a past infatuation she had and I just kind of zoned out and nodded my head. I went to bed tired.

guy1111 · Jul 11, 2020 at 11:26 PM

Im gonna need some ears to listen this week. I am going on our 1 yr anniversary vacation and I'm in a volatile state. I don't know if I can keep up with my wife's insanity one on one for 4 days alone. Hopefully someone out there hears this.

divine1966 · 03:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

Im gonna need some ears to listen this week. I am going on our 1 yr anniversary vacation and I'm in a volatile state. I don't know if I can keep up with my wife's insanity one on one for 4 days alone. Hopefully someone out there hears this.

Do you have to go? You have a good excuse to cancel, afraid to travel etc. I’d not go on vacations when I feel like this about a person.

You’ve been only married a year? I take it your children are from your first marriage? You said you don’t want kids to go through divorce but these aren’t even her kids. Or some are hers?

Was your first wife respectful and considerate or was she similar to your second wife? Is there a pattern in choosing these women (stemming from family of origin). There has to be a way to break this pattern. Your wife’s behavior is not typical and i ensure you there are many women who do not behave like this

Have Hope · Jul 12, 2020 at 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

Im gonna need some ears to listen this week. I am going on our 1 yr anniversary vacation and I'm in a volatile state. I don't know if I can keep up with my wife's insanity one on one for 4 days alone. Hopefully someone out there hears this.

Can you possibly establish some ground rules with her Before you go?

guy1111 · Jul 12, 2020 at 09:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Do you have to go? You have a good excuse to cancel, afraid to travel etc. I’d not go on vacations when I feel like this about a person.

You’ve been only married a year? I take it your children are from your first marriage? You said you don’t want kids to go through divorce but these aren’t even her kids. Or some are hers?

Was your first wife respectful and considerate or was she similar to your second wife? Is there a pattern in choosing these women (stemming from family of origin). There has to be a way to break this pattern. Your wife’s behavior is not typical and i ensure you there are many women who do not behave like this

I already took time off work. I can't go back on it. 2 kids are from my ex. She was worse! So I am grateful for that. Ya, my picker is broken. One kid is from her ex. It's a mess.

She has been super angry lately. I know it's something from her past. I step back from the moment in my mind while she is ranting and I look at her and I think "this is a very angry person".

Normally I can just tune it out and start listing all my good qualities and sometimes I actually feel better than when she starts in. Haha.

The last couple weeks she has been almost daily just ranting and raving. Hitting things, hurting her hands. It's crazy. I think she is stressed out. That's no excuse. At this point I honestly don't even care why she is so upset. The things she says she's upset about are petty. There's something going on with herself. She needs help.

guy1111 · Jul 12, 2020 at 09:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Can you possibly establish some ground rules with her Before you go?

I was thinking that. My nerves are starting to get rattled, so I am afraid I might say something I regret though. I am hoping if we can at least get to our destination and go on a hike and get some exercise I might feel good enough to set some groundrules for the rest of the time without saying something hurtful.

MsLady · Jul 12, 2020 at 09:04 AM

Are you going to a place filled with activities (during covid?) or a "sit and relax" getaway? Would you both be interested in participating in some meditation together? Ground rules would help, for sure.

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

I might feel good enough to set some groundrules for the rest of the time without saying something hurtful.

Can I suggest you set the ground rules before you go? Keep the trip itself, positive.

Have Hope · Jul 12, 2020 at 09:13 AM

That is not normal behavior. To be hitting things with her hands? Angry all the time? Does she see a therapist? She does need professional help. Maybe even medication.

divine1966 · Jul 12, 2020 at 11:45 AM

Taking time off work doesn’t mean you must go on vacation . I’d stay home and read books, do projects and go for walks. No way I’d go anywhere with people acting like it. Nope.

Have Hope · Jul 12, 2020 at 12:28 PM

Good point. If she’s so out of control with anger, and you’re dreading and fearing the trip, why go? There should be consequences for poor behavior.

Maybe it’s time to lay everything on the table. Either you shape up, or I’m leaving you and we’re divorcing. Sometimes it takes going there and mentioning divorce for someone to be shaken up.

guy1111 · Jul 13, 2020 at 08:14 AM

Well, we already left and spent the first night so we are here far away together. She started to get crazy on me again in the car. I just kept my composure. I wasn't going to let her get me upset. She finally ran out of steam. This is the first time in a long time we are alone no kids for more than a day. Now she is calm and lovey dovey. Nothing really got accomplished but at least she is mellow for now. Ugh.

Thank you guys for listening! I don't think I would make it without your help and suggestions. We'll see where the day goes. Maybe I get to tell her the car ride was unacceptable.

MsLady · 11:48 AM

I'm wondering if she was feeling stressed about this trip, too, and handled it by letting out steam? In this case, I'd just focus on enjoying your time, appreciate the "lovey-dovey" as it comes, and let the car scenario go while on vacation.

Have Hope · Jul 13, 2020 at 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

Well, we already left and spent the first night so we are here far away together. She started to get crazy on me again in the car. I just kept my composure. I wasn't going to let her get me upset. She finally ran out of steam. This is the first time in a long time we are alone no kids for more than a day. Now she is calm and lovey dovey. Nothing really got accomplished but at least she is mellow for now. Ugh.

Thank you guys for listening! I don't think I would make it without your help and suggestions. We'll see where the day goes. Maybe I get to tell her the car ride was unacceptable.

I would definitely tell her at some point that her behavior in the car is unacceptable. Draw a line with her.

I disagree with just letting it go... she has been ranting and raving at you, is hitting objects and clearly is out of control with her anger. Something needs to be done here. Limits must be set if you two are going to survive.

guy1111 · Jul 13, 2020 at 04:25 PM

Well, she had another fit. We are both being civil and guarded right now. Maybe if I brought up the hitting? I don't know what to say without sounding insulting. She was concerned she was going to break something in the rental.

guy1111 · Jul 13, 2020 at 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsLady

I'm wondering if she was feeling stressed about this trip, too, and handled it by letting out steam? In this case, I'd just focus on enjoying your time, appreciate the "lovey-dovey" as it comes, and let the car scenario go while on vacation.

Yes, I think travel stress is a big factor. I do feel better now that we went on a big hike. Like, before I was worried that I would say something I would regret. Then she had another little fit while we were here and I felt much calmer after the hike. I just watched the trees waving in the wind through our window. Very peaceful and serene

MsLady · Jul 13, 2020 at 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

Well, she had another fit. We are both being civil and guarded right now. Maybe if I brought up the hitting? I don't know what to say without sounding insulting. She was concerned she was going to break something in the rental.

Instead of addressing the hitting, how about suggesting activities that may help her feel better? Going for a hike was a great idea. Is there a hot tub or swimming pool.. or little shops to explore? She sounds like she's out of her element and is stressed about. Sometimes the better idea is to just offer options. You're on vacation. You can also split up for an hour and reconnect.. reset?

divine1966 · Jul 13, 2020 at 05:58 PM

I think if vacation stresses her that much, it’s not wise to vacation together. If you aren’t interested in ending this marriage, I’d stop traveling with her. I assume vacation costs money. I’d put that money into something else. At the very least I’d insist she seeks psychiatric help or at least therapy before I get in the car with her

She needs to seek some serious medical help. What’s with meltdowns and throwing fits. It’s not normal. Her talking to guys is the least of the problems. She sounds out of control

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Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,092 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,628 hugs given	Jun 22, 2020 at 01:46 PM #141 I feel for you. How was the weekend away with friends? I am feeling pretty alone with my marital struggles myself. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes
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guy1111 Member Member Since Apr 2018 Location: US Posts: 422 6	Jul 11, 2020 at 11:26 PM #145 Im gonna need some ears to listen this week. I am going on our 1 yr anniversary vacation and I'm in a volatile state. I don't know if I can keep up with my wife's insanity one on one for 4 days alone. Hopefully someone out there hears this.
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Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,092 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,628 hugs given	Jul 12, 2020 at 09:13 AM #151 That is not normal behavior. To be hitting things with her hands? Angry all the time? Does she see a therapist? She does need professional help. Maybe even medication. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,376 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Jul 12, 2020 at 11:45 AM #152 Taking time off work doesn’t mean you must go on vacation . I’d stay home and read books, do projects and go for walks. No way I’d go anywhere with people acting like it. Nope.
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MsLady Poohbah Member Since Mar 2020 Location: Earth Posts: 1,143 4 360 hugs given	Jul 13, 2020 at 09:13 AM #155 I'm wondering if she was feeling stressed about this trip, too, and handled it by letting out steam? In this case, I'd just focus on enjoying your time, appreciate the "lovey-dovey" as it comes, and let the car scenario go while on vacation. Last edited by MsLady; Jul 13, 2020 at 11:48 AM..
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guy1111 Member Member Since Apr 2018 Location: US Posts: 422 6	Jul 13, 2020 at 04:25 PM #157 Well, she had another fit. We are both being civil and guarded right now. Maybe if I brought up the hitting? I don't know what to say without sounding insulting. She was concerned she was going to break something in the rental.
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