Can't talk to my wife

Well your wife clearly likes getting attention. And she doesn’t seem to care who it might bother

Yes, I have told her in the past. She always says she's not doing anything wrong. She always tries to put it back on me saying I have insecurities and I need to get over it. Well, I don't react, and I calmly keep coming back to her and keep pointing out the same issue over and over. Sorry, but after a while of coming to someone calmly, I think it becomes their issue. Zero regard. Now she just tries to convince me that it's ok, because it doesn't bother her if I contact one of the kids moms.

This behavior, while in itself seems nice, reminds me of my ex who was worse. She used to say that she wouldn't be upset if I had a one night stand as long as I didn't fall in love. What!? To me my current wife is doing the same thing. She is trying to convince me that what's good for her is good for me. That's nice, but it doesn't help a person who struggles with something. Thats like telling an alcoholic that, hey I can drink, so can you!

Exactly. Those posts on fb are bs to me. If you are struggling, call a girlfriend or a private group. Sending out an APB on fb letting everyone know you are vulnerable is bs to me. If I let out my issues on fb instead of this anonymous forum I guarantee she would have a problem with it.

Great, she just came home and was mad because I was home all day and the house was messy. Ok, fine. She starts talking all sarcastically. Another ironic coincidence, all the kids were on their ipads so I said, the kids are busy, do you want to talk about it? She said, "no, what's the point, you don't care".

I calmly said ok. She ranted for another minute and then walked away. So, basically what we talked about with HER issues instantly went out the window. I was supposed to come to her on HER issues when the kids were busy. I did exactly that and she still won't let me talk.

Sorry, I'm not meeting her halfway on this one unless she apologizes. I tried and tried. I just can't talk to her. Not on my issues, not on her issues. Total stonewall. Total bs.

She batters you... not in the physical way, but it is a battering you get. You are a saint to put up with that. You deserve better.

guy, it's time to take some deep breaths as I can tell you are getting upset again. Honestly, the more you share about your wife, the more I see some strong narcissistic traits. With these individuals the only thing that really matters is how THEY feel. That's why some of the behaviors she exhibits keeps triggering you. It's a constant reminder of feeling "emotionally neglected".

This guy that responded to her when she boo hoo'd on FB? She doesn't care about him either, it's the ATTENTION she is thinking about that he gave her. She gets BORED without getting narcissistic ego feeds. If you are expecting her to be genuine and honest, forget it, aint going to happen. And she will continue to be impulsive as her priority is that narcissistic feed. She will also continue to go over your head constantly too as often all this kind of person does is see you as an obstacle of getting what THEY want. For example, she walked in and you were home all day and she got angry because the house isn't clean? Well, she wanted to walk into a clean house, did not get what SHE wanted so now you are the bad guy because she DOESN'T CARE how your day went or HOW YOU FEEL. You are only going to get praise or her fake petting when SHE is fed and satisfied, she has to have the control, even in therapy or else she will rage and rant. HER ego is what is important to her, not yours or that other guy's. She is a "consumer", not someone who thinks about how others feel UNLESS the other person can service her in some way, then they are useful. Otherwise, they are just 'bad" people to her. This therapist will only be worth it to her if HER EGO is fed, otherwise she won't like him/her. They are ok with not being nice to others, but NO ONE is allowed to have their opinion or feelings about things, it has to go along with HER agenda otherwise she is unhappy and the other person is wrong or bad. It's the only way they know how to cope and they are always looking for a feed otherwise they get bored. And they work hard on justifying this need for ego feeds, even to themselves. So, they often even gaslight themselves because they NEED that high. No, she doesn't think there is anything wrong with connecting with this other guy because he FED HER EGO.

Your triggers tend to present when you are being "emotionally neglected" guy. A part of you is also jealous in that now this other guy will get her attention, and that's what you need from her. But, it's important to understand that she doesn't really CARE about this other guy, instead ALL she cares about is getting her "supply". She set up bait of the "oh poor me" and she got a response she can feed off of. She doesn't care how that affects YOU guy, she just needs that FEED. Not everyone is a full blown narcissist, but there are individuals with some strong narcissistic traits. That means they often have fragile egos and need to get a feed to function. It's similar to binge alcoholism where the person doesn't drink every day, but, binges. This person doesn't think they have a problem because they don't drink everyday. So that allows them to embrace denial and will even say "I can drink less" or "I can go without for several days or longer".

People with narcissistic traits don't care to talk about YOUR emotions, that is unless your problems are similar to theirs and they can get validated through you. So, anytime you have a discussion you will get stonewalled unless she is talking about HER needs. What she is doing with you is spinning conversations and circling back to HER and back to focusing on HER needs. This is going to leave you once again feeling frustrated and emotionally neglected. The ONLY praise you will get is if HER ego is getting fed guy. Same as with your ex.

She may do her fake petting with you to keep you around, but, it's always going to be about HER needs. And if you want more you will end up getting one of her temper tantrums that tend to be nasty and full of sarcasims.

Ok, that makes me feel slightly better. I do see a little bit that she doesn't really care about this guy except for what he is doing for her, like nothing about his personal attributes. It just stinks that I have to go to outside help for validation of my feelings. Basically from what you are saying, she will never be able to validate me because that would require her to admit that she is being selfish. She would have to say, "I'm sorry my interactions with single men trigger your insecurities, but rest assured I am only using them to feel better about myself. I don't care about them at all." Even then she would be admitting that nothing I say will ever be enough to make her feel good about herself.

I don't even care that she acts selfishly away from me. Do whatever you want, it's your reputation not mine. If you want to be selfish around your family, girlfriends, kids, job, etc. go right ahead. It just hurts that she can't limit herself from one group (single men) even though I've told her how much it means to me. It's literally the one thing I ask. I'm a pretty strong guy. I work hard, I raised kids almost by myself, cook, clean, handle finances, take care of myself. I'm not jealous of anything else, her girlfriends, family friends, attention from kids, her alone time, etc. Just makes me sad.

Guy, I’m going to be super honest here. Your wife is very dysfunctional and unbalanced and so is your relationship and marriage. I don’t see her changing unless she can truly own up to her behaviors- all of them. Then she would need to work on making radical changes. An apology for her bad behavior and wanting to hear you out are two good first steps. But full ownership of the bad behaviors and changing those behaviors to healthier ones are another step she needs to take. You don’t need to put up with her need for attention from single men OR her ranting and yelling at you. What you need to do is take a strong stand on both. These are unacceptable behaviors within a healthy marriage.

Well the truth is guy that your wife probably doesn’t even realize she uses to get her ego fed. It often boils down to a lack of self awareness. It’s more than likely something she has done for a long time and part of her character.

Now if you flirted with other women younger than her she would not like it either. Usually people don’t get it until it happens to them.

You are right. It's not my fault. My self-esteem has been really low since this last incident. I keep feeling like it's going to get worse and she's going to leave me. I see my therapist today so that's good. Thank you so much for your insights. You are very kind.

You are right, too. She's totally in denial and blind to how she treated her partners in the past. She's told me some stories about how she was treated badly and all I got out of it was that I sympathized with her bad exes. Not for their behavior, but for why they got upset.

Thanks again for all your help. You are very insightful. I would be in a much darker place without your care.

No, it's not your fault. These are issues that your wife owns. She may stir up feelings of insecurity in you, but it's because she is repeatedly seeking attention very inappropriately from single men. That is not acceptable behavior within a marriage (in my opinion). It's clear that she has trouble feeling good about herself since she needs external validation from all these different men. She needs to work on her own self esteem issues. She also needs to learn how to communicate in far healthier ways within the relationship, without needing to rant and yell for days on end. She has a lot of anger that needs to be resolved, in her own therapy. She has a lot of work to do internally and on herself, if this marriage is to survive.

I would think also from your own shoes: do YOU want to continue dealing with her unhealthy and toxic behaviors that are wearing down your own self esteem, self worth, and ability to feel happy and stable within the relationship?

The marriage will destruct at some point if these issues cannot be resolved, unfortunately. You may reach a breaking point. Don't hold on for the sake of keeping a marriage together. You've got to also think of your own mental health and your happiness.

But most importantly right now, your wife needs a lot of help to change her ways and to feel better about herself all on her own. And remember, it's not your job to make her feel good about herself. It's HER job. She needs to accomplish this all on her own.

Hugs to you. I feel for you right now.

I hope therapy is helpful to you today.

I am thinking she would benefit from individual therapy more than couples therapy as she needs to address her issues first. But if she isn’t interested in doing so, there isn’t much you can do. Can’t force people to seek help. She might be just who she is, a person who seeks attention from the opposite sex. I’d not want partner like this but i know women married to men who flirt with every female, that’s who they are. I doubt she’ll change. You can either accept it or move on. I hate being pessimistic but I don’t see what else could be done, it’s not you and it’s not your issue. Of course you could give couples therapy more chance

I am glad that you are working with your own therapist though.

I agree that she needs individual therapy. She needs to work on her own issues.

Well, there are things built into a person's character that you are never going to change about them. And YES, there is ALWAYS an element of someones own behavior that results in their experiencing relationship problems. And often they decide that the problem is the other person and not them.

At least you are examining your own challenges and triggers and been working on trying to manage your challenges. However, given her behavior it's totally understandable that it's the emotional neglect from your history that tends to get triggered. Well, from what you have shared about your wife, she tends to be insensitive when it comes to other people's emotions yet does respond with petting when HER ego is being fed while the attention is focused on HER.

I see this a lot where people gravitate to someone simply because that individual constantly hands them petting when they pay attention and give a feed. Your wife learned ways to lay bait to get her desired feed. This other guy simply grabbed the bait and he doesn't know all your wife wants is the "feed" from him. I am glad that you recognized that your wife doesn't really CARE about this guy other than getting a feed off of him.

There is actually a very simple test when identifying this type of person. That's to get them to recognize something they did wrong or was offensive in some way. The result is often anger and even rage as you have shared your wife exibits. I often use the example of a box when I describe this as that's typically the reaction where this kind of individual proceeds to fill a box/space environment with their rage rantings and negative body language. This is often described as a toddler temper tantrum. Then it's disengaging and leaving the space and slamming a door to say you are now being ignored. After all, if you can't provide the magic and feed, you are not welcome and it doesn't matter if YOUR feelings get hurt either. In fact that's desirable.

You know guy, thinking you can change this in someone is futile. This type of individual is looking for a servant, not someone that requires actual emotional support and thoughtfulness. Often it's not intentional abuse either, instead it comes from that person's lack to be able to think about others in a respectful caring way. Instead they "use" others and typically have a patsy list of those individuals they can use and get attention from. Their memory is mostly of whatever "feed" another person provided for them. That's what they consider a friend and it's not really a true give and take relationship/friendship. If a positive happens, it's usually about their own need, not really about the other person's need. And that's why your wife was so negative when the house was not cleaned when she walked in. HER NEED, not yours, she needed you to "service" that need FOR HER. That's probably the extent of her awareness guy.

Ya, I've been watching her and listening to her through the picture you have painted and I notice it more in little things now. Very scary. It makes it a little easier to ignore. Unfortunately it also makes the relationship feel more hollow.

Funny you mention the box. I think of my marriage starting out as this treasure chest that was full of treasure. Over time I noticed the box was empty but still looked pretty on the outside. Now it just looks like a beat up cardboard box.

Hope I can refill it again some day and maybe paint it and fix it up.

Remember I talked about the well with you ? How it’s pretty looking from the outside but shallow and you have to carry buckets to it in order to have water in it so once in a while there is a little there to sip on? Yet you always end up thirsty cause it too shallow to sustain you.

A lot of people get tired of lugging buckets with shallow wells.

The buckets are getting heavier. Thanks for your insights

The truth is guy, the only one we can achieve that with is ourselves. We can only support others that are trying to work on improving themselves but we can't change them, especially if they don't want to change. Life has a way of teaching us that when it comes to other people we encounter.