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Default Apr 19, 2020 at 07:42 AM
  #1
I have this ongoing issue with my wife where she triggers me talking to single guys. I used to try and talk to her about it calmly but it got nowhere. We even would do couples therapy over it. Now I've basically given up and have been trying to do therapy on my own so that it doesn't trigger me as hard. I don't know what else to do. She just won't stop and I've accepted that, but therapy is a long slow process. I just struggle for days or sometimes weeks at a time trying to hold the hurt inside until I am able to feel normal again. It is slowly getting better, it's just hard because nobody seems to truly understand. Everyone I talk to eventually gets tired of hearing me talk about it, even my therapists. Everyone eventually gives up and tells me that you can't change another person. They tell me that what she is doing is harmless and that I just don't trust her. I completely understand that, but it still hurts. I know it's my issue. I am getting stronger and it bothers me less and less, but the relationship suffers because it is slowly becoming more and more superficial. I stopped sharing my opinions with her on pretty much anything. The weird part is, she seems to be fine with that. Maybe she just isn't mature enough to handle my thoughts and opinions? Maybe she just doesn't want a deep relationship? I don't even tell her what I want to do from day to day. I just wait for her to give me some options and I just go with the first option. I really don't care. If I want to do something I like to do I just wait until she is not around. Most of what I like to do doesn't require two people any way. Sometimes she'll tell me I look sad and ask if I'm ok. I tell her that I'm just calm. She shrugs her shoulders and just keeps on with the day. Today my kids asked me if I was ok and said I looked sad. It made me want to cry. Any thoughts?
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Default Apr 19, 2020 at 08:13 AM
  #2
I am sorry to hear you are struggling. Could you clarify? Who are these single guys? Where does she meet them and how is she talking to them, online, in person? I assume there are not coworkers (that would be ok)?
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Default Apr 19, 2020 at 09:05 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by guy1111 View Post
...she triggers me talking to single guys...I just struggle for days or sometimes weeks at a time trying to hold the hurt inside until I am able to feel normal again...Everyone eventually gives up and tells me that you can't change another person. They tell me that what she is doing is harmless and that I just don't trust her. I completely understand that, but it still hurts...I am getting stronger and it bothers me less and less, but the relationship suffers because it is slowly becoming more and more superficial. I stopped sharing my opinions with her on pretty much anything......Sometimes she'll tell me I look sad and ask if I'm ok. I tell her that I'm just calm. She shrugs her shoulders and just keeps on with the day. Today my kids asked me if I was ok and said I looked sad. It made me want to cry. Any thoughts?
Much of this strikes me as self esteem issues.

Lately, I have learned to be grateful for my husband and not worry about what is in store for the future of our marriage but to take things one day at a time. I am trying to look back less at what hurts and just recognize my emotions as they happen. When we get triggered, a lot of it can be about what happened in the past or fears about what might happen in the future. You are married so she chose you and if she is getting more emotionally involved (I don't know if she is--maybe she is just more extroverted) with others than you then she might also have fears about getting hurt if she gets to close and fully committed to the marriage. Also, remember to work toward being closer by doing things together and making plans for the future. Spending your time worrying about if you are interesting enough, etc. is ruining the moments of your beautiful life. You have a wife and children--so many people want this. Enjoy it! If you can't then perhaps seeing a psychiatrist (unless you already are) in addition to a therapist might help. Also, I have found that I few of the conversations I have had on PC--are just as good as a therapist--and they are FREE.
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Default Apr 19, 2020 at 01:38 PM
  #4
I'm curious to know how you know these guys are all single? Do you know them personally? Does she?

I really feel for you because it sounds like she's being a bit insensitive to your feelings but, at the same time, I don't know the full story.

Is she outgoing and talks to people in general but "single men" are a trigger for you? Is there a concrete reason why you don't trust her? Is she bluntly being disrespectful about it in front of you?

You have kids in the picture so it's not as easy to pack up and leave, as I would suggest at this point. At the end of the day, her behaviours are a trigger for you and you've closed yourself off. Move on.. but yes, it's always hardest when there's kids.

If it's your own baggage, you'll come across this in every relationship you'll encounter so it's great you're seeking therapy. Keep working on yourself and build your own self confidence.

I don't really have any solid advice but feel your pain. It's hard. Big hugs!
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Default Apr 19, 2020 at 02:16 PM
  #5
I read in what you have shared in other threads that you struggle with ptsd. Unfortunately, pstd is a disorder where an individual tends to experience more emotions than they want and they desire to be able to sit and talk out their often overwhelming emotions for comfort. The problem with that is that the average person doesn't understand ptsd, that a person is emotionally sensitive and is often affected by things the average person doesn't have problems with.

Some of the ptsd symptoms can come from a history of being disrespected or treated badly for things that were never your fault, but instead the other person was dysfunctional/disordered. This makes you more susceptible to feeling hurt when your wife dismisses things that are important to you.

Other posters including myself would like you to explain more about the single men your wife talks to, who are they and how is her discussions with them happening? This way posters can have a better idea of what is challenging you so much.
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Default Apr 19, 2020 at 10:44 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by TunedOut View Post
Much of this strikes me as self esteem issues.

Lately, I have learned to be grateful for my husband and not worry about what is in store for the future of our marriage but to take things one day at a time. I am trying to look back less at what hurts and just recognize my emotions as they happen. When we get triggered, a lot of it can be about what happened in the past or fears about what might happen in the future. You are married so she chose you and if she is getting more emotionally involved (I don't know if she is--maybe she is just more extroverted) with others than you then she might also have fears about getting hurt if she gets to close and fully committed to the marriage. Also, remember to work toward being closer by doing things together and making plans for the future. Spending your time worrying about if you are interesting enough, etc. is ruining the moments of your beautiful life. You have a wife and children--so many people want this. Enjoy it! If you can't then perhaps seeing a psychiatrist (unless you already are) in addition to a therapist might help. Also, I have found that I few of the conversations I have had on PC--are just as good as a therapist--and they are FREE.
Thank you! Sorry, it will take me some time to get back to all of you but I appreciate your reply. This is very encouraging to me! I am trying my best not to give up like you said, because I know this marriage and family are important. I am having a hard time enjoying the moments unfortunately, but sticking with it for the long haul is my goal right now. I agree, it is a self-esteem issue. I was abused in the past and made to feel worthless.

I'm not sure about her motives, whether she is insecure as well and afraid to get closer in our relationship. That is an interesting insight. I know she is not trying to hurt me maliciously.

Thanks again!
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 05:44 AM
  #7
Hey @guy1111:
Quote:
Originally Posted by guy1111 View Post
I have this ongoing issue with my wife where she triggers me talking to single guys. I used to try and talk to her about it calmly but it got nowhere. We even would do couples therapy over it. Now I've basically given up and have been trying to do therapy on my own so that it doesn't trigger me as hard.
I am really struggling to understand...are you a man? What does she want you to talk about?
Quote:
I don't know what else to do. She just won't stop and I've accepted that, but therapy is a long slow process. I just struggle for days or sometimes weeks at a time trying to hold the hurt inside until I am able to feel normal again. It is slowly getting better, it's just hard because nobody seems to truly understand. Everyone I talk to eventually gets tired of hearing me talk about it, even my therapists. Everyone eventually gives up and tells me that you can't change another person. They tell me that what she is doing is harmless and that I just don't trust her.
I think if I better understood what you mean and what she wants you to talk to single guys about I could comment better.
Quote:
I completely understand that, but it still hurts. I know it's my issue. I am getting stronger and it bothers me less and less, but the relationship suffers because it is slowly becoming more and more superficial. I stopped sharing my opinions with her on pretty much anything. The weird part is, she seems to be fine with that. Maybe she just isn't mature enough to handle my thoughts and opinions? Maybe she just doesn't want a deep relationship? I don't even tell her what I want to do from day to day. I just wait for her to give me some options and I just go with the first option. I really don't care. If I want to do something I like to do I just wait until she is not around. Most of what I like to do doesn't require two people any way. Sometimes she'll tell me I look sad and ask if I'm ok. I tell her that I'm just calm. She shrugs her shoulders and just keeps on with the day. Today my kids asked me if I was ok and said I looked sad. It made me want to cry. Any thoughts?
Can you explain more about this so I can comment better? Like what does she want you to talk about and what is the point of talking to single guys?

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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 07:47 AM
  #8
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I'm curious to know how you know these guys are all single? Do you know them personally? Does she?

I really feel for you because it sounds like she's being a bit insensitive to your feelings but, at the same time, I don't know the full story.

Is she outgoing and talks to people in general but "single men" are a trigger for you? Is there a concrete reason why you don't trust her? Is she bluntly being disrespectful about it in front of you?

You have kids in the picture so it's not as easy to pack up and leave, as I would suggest at this point. At the end of the day, her behaviours are a trigger for you and you've closed yourself off. Move on.. but yes, it's always hardest when there's kids.

If it's your own baggage, you'll come across this in every relationship you'll encounter so it's great you're seeking therapy. Keep working on yourself and build your own self confidence.

I don't really have any solid advice but feel your pain. It's hard. Big hugs!
I really appreciate your sympathy. The issue isn't trust for me. That's another thing people don't understand. It is like you said, the insensitivity. I don't think she would go out and cheat on me at this point. If I can't get a handle on this issue, I may drive her to that, I don't know. What other issue of trust is there, I don't know.

Thanks for the encouragement! I am seeing my therapist today, so hopefully I get some relief there.

Thanks, again!
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 08:07 AM
  #9
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Originally Posted by guy1111 View Post
I really appreciate your sympathy. The issue isn't trust for me. That's another thing people don't understand. It is like you said, the insensitivity. I don't think she would go out and cheat on me at this point. If I can't get a handle on this issue, I may drive her to that, I don't know. What other issue of trust is there, I don't know.

Thanks for the encouragement! I am seeing my therapist today, so hopefully I get some relief there.

Thanks, again!
Who are these single guys she is talking to?
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 10:13 AM
  #10
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
I read in what you have shared in other threads that you struggle with ptsd. Unfortunately, pstd is a disorder where an individual tends to experience more emotions than they want and they desire to be able to sit and talk out their often overwhelming emotions for comfort. The problem with that is that the average person doesn't understand ptsd, that a person is emotionally sensitive and is often affected by things the average person doesn't have problems with.

Some of the ptsd symptoms can come from a history of being disrespected or treated badly for things that were never your fault, but instead the other person was dysfunctional/disordered. This makes you more susceptible to feeling hurt when your wife dismisses things that are important to you.

Other posters including myself would like you to explain more about the single men your wife talks to, who are they and how is her discussions with them happening? This way posters can have a better idea of what is challenging you so much.
Thank you for your insights! I definitely see how the ptsd plays a part in this. I have found a lot of relief from journalling my feelings. I do this by keeping an audio journal during my commutes to work.

I appreciate what you are saying about how my wife doesn't seem to have a grasp on the intensity of the feelings that her actions can cause me to feel. I also read somewhere in here that women in general can have a hard time dealing with men when they share their emotions. Just like it is well known that men have a hard time dealing with women when they share their problems. We naturally want to fix them.

It's nice to just be validated here. Thank you very much!
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 04:12 PM
  #11
The general question everyone seems to be repeating is, who is she talking to and where is it taking place. She understands clearly who they are, so there's no confusion. Can anyone explain why this is relevant to the topic? Not trying to be disrespectful. I just want to understand. I want to be a better husband.
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 04:24 PM
  #12
It matters if she is having emotional affairs with single guys or if they are just guys that are work colleagues and it’s nothing to be concerned about.
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 04:33 PM
  #13
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Originally Posted by guy1111 View Post
The general question everyone seems to be repeating is, who is she talking to and where is it taking place. She understands clearly who they are, so there's no confusion. Can anyone explain why this is relevant to the topic? Not trying to be disrespectful. I just want to understand. I want to be a better husband.
I believe it’s relevant. Let me explain

I do not tend to be triggered by anything

But if my husband talked to random single girls or meet them in whatever maybe inappropriate setting then I would find it extremely inappropriate and we’d likely not remained married. It would be completely his fault and in no shape or form my fault of feeling furious about it

But if he for example talked to female co workers working on the work project completely innocently and they happened to be not married then I don’t see any issue. But if I feel jealous or want him to stop then it’s not his fault I feel this way. Then I am being unreasonable demanding he stops working in a work project with single women

That’s why in order to determine if it’s you being unreasonable or it’s your wife being inappropriate, we need to know who are these single men

You said it is “your” issue. Yes in a scenario when she had a work project and innocently talks about work project to a coworker or innocently says hello passing by a neighbour, then yes it’s “your” problem

If she is inappropriate wuth some guys then it’s not “your” issue. It’s “hers”

Hence the question. Who are these people? We can’t help you without understanding what’s really going on
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 08:24 PM
  #14
Good news! I just got out of my therapy video session and I made a lot of progress! I used to do EMDR with her in person and she is now doing it through the video! She holds the paddles (if you don't know what I am talking about, it is light and vibration stimulation of the left and right brain) up to the screen. I follow the light with my eyes and tap on my knees for the physical stimulus. It was still pretty intense!

Anyways, I was able to realize that while my wife's most recent single guy chat incident had wounded me, I can be proud to know that I am brave enough and strong enough to know that the pain stems from my past wounds from others. I had a panic attack, but it is over now. I can begin to heal. I can become stronger. I have made alot of progress in this area. Whether she ever understands how her behavior affects me or not, whether it happens again or not, I am a good person and these wounds and scars do not define me. They only tell of what has been done to me and what I have recovered from.

I realized, too, that I was playing the incident over and over in my head and hurting myself because self-hurt is part of my past and where I am very comfortable. Now I can catch myself when I think of it and replace those thoughts with positive self-affirmation!

Thanks again everyone for opening up my eyes to see that this is a big self-esteem issue. Her behavior might be part of her own self-esteem issue.

As to the details, the last poster made, I figured that was where the questioning was headed. I have seen this conversation on PC too many times. If we all decide in our own eyes that she crossed a line or I am being too picky, what does that get us? Do I go to her and say, everyone on PC thinks you're out of line? Or if we decide I am wrong then we tell me to get over it? Everyone has their own definition of right or wrong behavior. In one culture a wink from a girl could be punishable by death. In another culture having a mistress might be the norm. Feel free to comment on this. I don't mean to be disrespectful.
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 08:40 PM
  #15
I don’t think it really matters what we think on PC. What matters what you think.

Of course many things are cultural. I think I misunderstood you that her talking to single guys was an issue and was something bothering you. It sounds like it’s not a concern for you at all. I am not sure why you brought it up if it’s no big deal but again maybe I misread it.

I am happy to hear that things are good now and you are content and happy with your wife in your marriage. It’s excellent.
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 10:54 PM
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I don’t think it really matters what we think on PC. What matters what you think.

Of course many things are cultural. I think I misunderstood you that her talking to single guys was an issue and was something bothering you. It sounds like it’s not a concern for you at all. I am not sure why you brought it up if it’s no big deal but again maybe I misread it.

I am happy to hear that things are good now and you are content and happy with your wife in your marriage. It’s excellent.
I think it does matter what is said here. That is why I am asking for help. It very much does bother me. Like I said, the last incident sent me into a panic attack. That was last Wednesday and I am still coming down from it. I am not content and happy with my wife and marriage. I am content and happy (for the moment) with myself and my progress with thanks to you guys and my therapist!

I am interested in learning more about working on my self-esteem. I looked in the topics for this issue and the closest thing I found was the "abuser" topic. I peeked in there and saw some things I could relate to about being told by others that I am worthless and some effects abuse has on people that I could relate to.

Is there anywhere else I can look for help with self-esteem?
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Default Apr 23, 2020 at 02:34 PM
  #17
I started reading a book called The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. It is very academic, but is teaching me some basic ideas that I didn't know I should have been aware of. On the one hand it teaches that the lower our self-esteem, the more we are prone to irrational and excessive needs from others. On the other hand as I read it, I can't help to keep thinking that I need to tell her again that what she is doing is bothering me.

Do I stand up for myself even if I may end up pushing her to actually cheating on me or leaving me?
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Default Apr 23, 2020 at 03:06 PM
  #18
Guy111 I think it could be helpful if you share more about how your wife is actually interacting with other guys that is causing you to experience these triggers you are experiencing. It can help members come up with some suggestions about ways you might better communicate to her how whatever she is doing is affecting you.
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Default Apr 23, 2020 at 03:21 PM
  #19
You can’t push anyone to cheat. People are either cheaters or they aren’t. Nothing you can do to push anyone.

Yes you stand up for yourself and speak up. If you’d goal is to build your self esteem up, that’s the first thing people with healthy self esteem do: speak up and stand up and don’t tolerate bad treatment.

Of course if whatever she does with these single men falls into a bothersome category. You aren’t telling us who they are and what she does with them. If they are fellow chess players in a chess club then I suggest you examine why you are upset. If they are people in “adult” chat rooms and conversations are sexual, then yes it’s inappropriate. So again it all depends on what you decided on nature of your marriage. Some people have open marriage or whatever other arrangement

You need to be on the same page
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Default Apr 23, 2020 at 11:55 PM
  #20
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I am interested in learning more about working on my self-esteem. I looked in the topics for this issue and the closest thing I found was the "abuser" topic. I peeked in there and saw some things I could relate to about being told by others that I am worthless and some effects abuse has on people that I could relate to.

Is there anywhere else I can look for help with self-esteem?
How about one of those Dialectical Behavioural Therapy workbooks? I mentioned this to someone else today. There's different topics to choose from.. Anxiety, Borderline Personality.. and others. A lady friend of mine made a mention of this which recommended to her by her trauma specialist. It's similar to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy but is more in-depth. I'm thinking of buying one, myself (Amazon).
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