Venting and sorting thoughts.... Kinda long

I just want to add here that none of the members here are professionals. Everyone is offering support based on their own experiences and what they have learned. What you shared about your wife’s behaviors is concerning. How these behaviors are affecting you is also concerning.

No one is hearing anything from your wife either and with that while I find her behaviors concerning I do not feel comfortable telling you what to do wth your marriage other than feeling you do really need to reach out for professional help and as I mentioned counseling for your children too.

I struggle myself with ptsd and I had some major health challenges and am lucky to even be alive. I had major surgery where I was completely opened up and my body cavity was full of toxins. They did not even know if I was going to make it even after the surgery. It took me over a year to get my strength back and several months to feel normal as it takes a long time for the anesthesia to leave the brain and I two surgeries in ten days. Health challenges can be an extra challenge that some may not consider.

I had other big health challenges too that challenged me. And years later my daughter shared how lonely and scared she was and my husband never talked to her and assured her. That was always what I did and I learned no one did that when I couldn’t. So I know it’s very important to pay attention to children and their feelings during challenges. its surprising how quickly a child can feel abandoned and frightened.

As I said, I think it was a good idea to reach out for support. Aside from members sharing what they learned there are many articles in the PC archives and some are shared in the ptsd forum as well as visiting the childhood emotional neglect forum.

It’s time for you to learn about mental illness and codependency and things that are important to children that you may not know yet.

You now have a place you can reach out for support. I think it’s best to gain knowledge before making big choices in your relationship.

I came across this article that may be helpful for you to read and then sit and think about and see if there might be things in your relationship that are laid out in this article. My sharing this is not an attempt to label your wife, but more to help you sit and think about how you may be trying to fix something you can never fix and the guilt and shame you may experience when nothing you do improves your relationship.

5 Manipulative Stuck Points Narcissists Encourage In Their Victims To Keep Them Hooked

Maybe post this in the NDP forum?

I was going to ask the same thing. does she have a mental illness?

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966 Is she on disability if she is unable to work?

She does have anxiety and depression according to OP. He also said she has physical ailments. I was just wondering about why isn’t she on permanent disability if she is completely unable to work and cannot do anything at home and needs to be served hand and foot.

The OP shared that his wife struggles with ptsd. So, that's more complex than an anxiety disorder. Some individuals can have it worse than others so there is no true all people with Xchallenge are XYZ. What can trigger one individual with ptsd can be very different than what may trigger another person struggling with ptsd, a lot depends on what kind of trauma a person experienced.

For example, I was a lead singer in a band, and I had some crazy guy from the audience rush on stage and attack me and others had to pull him off of me. That STILL is something I deal with in the ptsd I suffer from amongst other things that are not things that may trigger someone else. My agent got me alone and tried to molest me. That's not something another person is going to understand, I had a lot more than "just" anxiety about performing on stage or feeling safe with an agent, I had actual trauma related challenges that contributed to my not feeling "safe" in that career. I played the guitar and wrote songs too. I just froze, the guy pulled me right down on stage attacking me until they pulled him off. It left me changed, fearing how some person could suddenly charge on stage like that, you never feel the same after something like that. And it left me sensitive to anyone charging at me and invading my space too.

When my daughter was young I even wrote songs for the girl scouts. They asked me to go on stage and perform with my guitar and sing a song I wrote for a big gathering. No ONE knew what it took for me to do that, be on stage and sing again like that. Sigh...just that memory of what I had experienced that traumatized me, not something people shared back then, not just stage fright, not anxiety, but not wanting to feel or be reminded of the trauma I had experienced that forever changed something I had once loved doing. What may be a genuine challenge to one person may mean nothing to another, especially back then when no one talked about ptsd challenges that happen after a trauma like they do now. One person can have a lot more trauma related issues than another. When people say "oh I have ptsd I know", that's not necessarily true, a lot depends of the amount of trauma involved and one person can have ptsd worse than another person.

I'm so sorry to learn about what you experienced and have had to endure.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through RDM. I admit that it took me a while to read your whole post as there are many similarities between what you are going through and my marriage, which I describe as a mess. Just reading what you describe made me grit my teeth.

I can really empathize with what you say about the anger issue. I've told our counselor that he's not happy unless he's not happy. He loves to be up on his high horse, pointing down at me and drilling into me all of my faults. I have tried everything I can think of and everything that the counselor has suggested. It's gets better, then goes back. The only thing that worked for me was a strategy that I called Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD). When he would find fault with even the most minor thing, looking to start a conflict, rather than be conciliatory like I had been, I would escalate to the point of divorce over crumbs on the counter or some weeds in the yard. It actually deterred future aggression.

My husband works less than me and, with covid, he works 6 hours a week while I am essential so I still work full time. I get home and he is all fired up. I totally understand how you feel unfairly treated and that the burden is on you to carry the family.

I would also classify my marriage as sexless, rare and one sided. Not by my choice. Sex is a basic human need as is love, belonging and emotional intimacy. I have a very high libido and it's driving me insane. I have to admit that I've looked around and have thought about divorce. It seems exceptionally selfish of her to deny you and then make you feel guilty and ashamed for trying to find some other means of meeting your needs, both physical and emotional. Mine would get jealous once upon a time, but it seems like we have reached this cold war detente where there is less conflict, but little intimacy. I have a stalker that tosses his bananas in the fire if I so much as interact with another man, but that's a whole other story. But I do know what being on the receiving end of jealousy is.

I guess the question for both of us is, can we see ourselves in this situation in five years? In one year? I admit that it's a difficult question for me as it's a good financial arrangement and I would stand to lose a lot in a contested divorce.

I just want to offer a warm hug and know that I do empathize deeply with so many of the things you are going through.

I've said before.

I'm giving this my all for one more year....

No, for one MORE year....

For another year.....

I spilled over and gushed a bunch of stuff at her a week or so ago. I think it kind of floored her in some ways. There was a lot of evidence in my favor and she couldn't deny a lot of it.

Things have been different around here. For the first time in years, things have been different.

The big one is that I am different. I'm not scared like I was. I had a fear of losing her and of being alone. Once I took a couple of days to really confront that one, and came to the realization I'm OK, I'll survive, the fear began leaving me. Now, I'm not in as much of a hurry to "make things right", to apologize for supposed slights, or to seek affection. She's been coming to me a lot more. I've also been doing less around the house, and she's been doing more.

There are good qualities in her that I saw long ago that are still there. I want to love her for those qualities. To a degree, love IS a choice. I've been so overwhelmed by her negativity for so long that it's been hard to see those good qualities.

So.... Here for... say it with me... "one more year." But this time, I'm not giving it MY all. I'm relaxing a little and seeing what happens.

My rush to do things and look after things may be contributing to the global anxiety she feels in our home and between us. Maybe she needs less anxiety, and more of me being, just, present.

I have to break the pattern of this co-dependency, and give up my anxiety about getting everything right.

Thank you all for hearing me out. This stuff is hard to talk about even with a professional counselor, but the anonymity on here helps. Thanks for not villifying me for looking at pornography. When she found out about my usage, she found the burden too hard to carry on her own, and she talked with people close to her and I, including her best friends, family, and my family. I've been the "bad guy" to a lot of people. And you know what, I'm not a bad person.. I'm a good person who had a weakness. I wouldn't despise anyone else for the same, so I'm done hating myself.

@ARaven0137 thanks for your story. I hope you find a way for things to improve.

RDM

(((RDMercer))),

It's good to hear from you and also good to know it was helpful to you to be able to vent here anonymously too.

It sounds like you have given things a lot of thought and have decided to allow yourself to have your OWN feelings instead of being stressed all the time thinking you constantly have to accomodate your wife or you will lose her.

Good for you, your feelings are important too!!

Good for you. I've learned that we cannot change the behavior of others, but we can certainly change our own behavior that then, may in turn, influence a partner's behavior for the better. We can only control ourselves, after all. So, time will tell, and you're changing your ways. I say kudos to you, and good for you for speaking up to your wife!

I am doing the same with my husband, and it seems to be helping. And I am happy for you given the recent changes you describe.

I'm just posting this as a follow up.

I really, really appreciate the help and support from you all. I've re-read these posts quite a bit in the last 6 weeks.

I felt validation, I felt like it was OK to be human, to have made bad choices, but human choices. Thank you for seeing me as a person who's trying.

Things continue to just be.... really different around here.

I genuinely stopped being afraid of being left, or at least tried to stop being afraid.. I quit frantically trying to hold everything together in our home. I began saying things like "I don't know how that's going to get done. I can't take on any more. I don't know where the money is going to come from for that. I can't take on any more. I don't know how you're going to get that course done. I can't free up the time to jump in." And I began sitting more.

And stuff is getting done.

She's doing more, and taking more responsibilites. When I'm working on a home project, things are going more smoothly because I'm less stressed.

The kids are happier.

My wife told me that she disagreed with my jumping in and pushing through the Covid shutdown, and home schooling the kids, because the most important thing was to mitigate their anxiety. We have years for them to get caught up on school again. I listened and chilled out. OK. Let's just keep them happy and positive. Maybe I tried too hard on that one.

When the kids have been disrespectful towards me, I haven't disciplined them. I've said, "I've done too much for too long to be spoken to like that, and so has your mother. I deserve better than that." In front of their mother. Without fail, it's worked. They have apologized every time.

When my wife has gotten really angry and started cutting me down, I have said, "You don't get to be right about everything and win every argument because I did something that hurt you. I've done my apologies and made my amends. If that isn't enough, then I can't do more. I'm not chasing you any more. There's no games. I want to be here, with you. But I'm not going to chase you and beg you to stay, or keep apologizing for the rest of my life."

Also, during these times, if she has pointed out a failing of mine, I've pointed out a strong quality, like, "Yes, maybe I got that wrong, but I've tried to make things right. I'm a good dad, I'm a hard worker, and I'm a pretty good husband. There are a lot of things I do right." I have never counter-attacked her weaknesses, but I won't accept this stuff from her without standing up for myself.

The anger stopped. It took several weeks, but things really feel different these days.

My wife began leaving hand written notes of appreciation on my pillow. She has told me she has made a lot of mistakes for a long time, and has told me she is happy I'm with her.

She buys me thoughtful little things to surprise me when she goes out. A little bottle of my favorite whiskey, or something I like to eat.

In the last few weeks an aquaintance lost her husband very suddenly, and it left her in a bad financial way. My wife and I contacted her and have been helping her through this, helping with arrangements, helping with work on her home. We went to express our condolences, and realized there was a need, and just offered,

Since then, I've talked with my wife about all that I have in place to ensure she and the kids are looked after should anything happen to me, and told her I want to expand it to make sure they are looked after so that, if I'm gone, she will never have to worry about working. I know she has health concerns that limit her. Adult love isn't just romantic. It is about responsibility, and I don't run from responsibility. That conversation produced a lot of appreciation from her as well.

I don't know if this is going to change again, or if this is the start of something long term. It's good though.

Thank you. Talking with you all, and your insights, and your validation gave me some footing for this. It was important for me to change me. Because she is someone who has been through trauma, it was important for me NOT to counter attack her. She needed validation too, and even when arguing I've been giving that, but not accepting the insults.

RDM

I'm so happy to read your inspiring and heartwarming update!

Thanks so much for letting us know!

Excellent report and excellent progress! Thanks for the update, and well done on your behalf! I'm proud of you.